<center>“Excerpts from my mother's journal”</center> <center>July 12</center> _This year, the first of our marriage has been hard. Andor’s training first at The Basic School, and finally Infantry Officer Course (IOC) has meant that he has been gone too much. I feel like I hardly see him and when I do he is exhausted and stressed. I decided now was the best time to pursue my Masters. Originally I thought I would wait a few years before undertaking my graduate degree. But he is gone so much I needed something to distract myself. He only graduated from IOC last month and just last night he found out that his unit is being deployed to Syria in a few months! I am freaking out inside, I want to be supportive but there are so many what-ifs running around in my head right now._ <center>October 9</center> _Andor’s unit left last night. I was there to see him off. When the big white bus that was driving him to the airfield faded out of sight I sat on the curb and cried. Another woman came over and hugged me. She said that this was her husband's fourth deployment, but his first as a company First Sergeant. She said that everything was going to be alright and gave me her number. We are having dinner next week…_ <center>February 14</center> _Today is Valentine's Day and I am alone. It is raining outside. A dreary and cold day to match my mood. I miss Andor and I am really worried about him. His unit was ambushed a few days ago. On the phone he sounded checked out - distracted. He said he was tired. He just didn’t sound like his usual upbeat self, which is scaring me._ <center>May 28</center> _The last week has been a blur of horror and worry that has probably taken ten years off of my life - at least. This morning I noticed a gray hair in my bangs! The stress of Andor being wounded and then having to have his arm amputated has taken its toll on me. The doctors at Walter Reed Bethesda Medical Center said he will be here for at least four months. The hospital’s housing office helped me find a small apartment near the hospital. It is within walking distance so I can see him anytime. Next week they said he should be well enough to leave the hospital and move into our temporary apartment. I cannot wait to have things get back to some sort of normalcy soon._ <center>July 4</center> _Andor is doing so well with his physical therapy the docs are saying he might be able to go home early. I am so excited! Meanwhile, I am fighting my school because they said I withdrew from classes past the cutoff date and are refusing to reimburse my tuition for the semester. I stopped by the Navy JAG office (legal office) and they are helping by sending the school a letter asking for an exception._ _Last night Andor suggested that when he gets cleared to go home we should go on our honeymoon. We have been married over two years now and still haven’t had the time to go. We talked a bit about where we would go. Either a cruise in the Bahamas or heading up the west coast into Alaska. I kind of hope he picks the later one…_ <center>September 1</center> _Andor and I got home last night! I can’t believe that we are back home in San Francisco together again. We went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant last night. The manager remembered us and was shocked to see what had happened to Andor. A patron at the restaurant paid for our dinner and the manager provided a complimentary bottle of their most expensive tequila for us to celebrate his return. It was a magical night. My head is killing me though because I drank way too much last night. I couldn’t find my clothes this morning and Andor informed me I stripped naked and tried to have sex with him in the elevator…. Tequila and Lilli don’t mix well…._ <center>September 21</center> _We are in Juneau, Alaska today on day three of our honeymoon! It has been an absolutely magical time. My school finally sent the reimbursement for the spring semester's tuition. The president even called me to apologize. His dad was in the military and he said the school now has a much more military friendly refund policy. He even offered me half tuition for the remainder of my degree program as a token of goodwill from the school for the debacle they put me through._ <center>December 21</center> _We moved out of the city today to our new home in Sausalito just in time for Christmas. Dad helped with the down payment, which was great because there is no way Andor and I could afford the home without dad chipping in all the money he did. We had to move because the city was just too stressful for Andor and it was impeding his recovery. I really hope moving here helps - I loved living in the city but seeing what it was doing to Andor I knew we had to move. In sickness and in health…_  <center>March 12</center> _Andor recently started having hallucinations and it’s really starting to freak me out. The other night he attacked an apparition in the middle of the night. He was going on about some dead guy he saw in Syria. Then again a few days later he was screaming and fighting with nothing in the kitchen. In broad daylight I might add. He said he talked to his therapist about it and that she prescribed some meds and encouraged him to start journaling. I hope they work because I am getting really worried about him._ <center>March 27</center> _Just when it seemed that Andor’s neurosis was behind us I began having the most vivid, horrific, and terrifying dreams._ _I am walking in a park when suddenly the night sky is lit up with flashing oranges and reds. There’s a dull roar in the background and I turn and can see San Francisco engulfed in flames and smoke. The cacophony of horror then crescendos with the screams of countless people. The horizon is filled with the silhouettes of burning skyscrapers engulfed in flames and collapsing into the streets, crashing into one another like dominoes. The Golden Gate Bridge is drifting in and out of the orange mist when a wall of water several hundred feet high slams into it. The bridge oscillates back and forth like a wet noodle, cables snapping off and splashing into the sea before it collapses with a terrible roar of crashing steel. The wave continues inland, carrying a huge cruise ship at its crest before smashing it into Slackers Hill in Sausalito like it was nothing but a child’s toy. Then there is a flash of bright light, and everyone in the park disintegrates into ash. Somehow I survive this ordeal only to see this most horrific beast emerge from the smoke. Its eyes are blood red. It picks up a car and throws it at me and then I wake up, soaked in sweat, my mouth agape, a scream etched across my face but no sound coming from my throat._   _I’ve had this dream at least once a night every night for the last week. It is so terrible I cannot sleep. I feel like I am losing my mind. I dare not speak about it to Andor. I don’t know why but I have this feeling that this dream is connected to his psychotic break. I don’t want to say anything that could cause him to relapse._ ![[theDream-ii2.jpg]] That was the last entry in my mother’s journal and honestly it left me with more questions than answers. I needed to know more. _Whatever happened with the dreams?_ _Did my dad fully recover from his episodes or did he relapse?_ _Why did my mom think her dreams were linked to my dad’s episodes?_ I knew talking about this was hard for mom so I put it off as long as I could. However,  one quiet Sunday morning we were having breakfast together. “You’re not your usual talkative self this morning. What’s going on?” she asked. I twirled the spoon in my hot chocolate gazing at the brown liquid as it sloshed and frothed in my mug. “I need to know about yours and dad’s dream. I found your journal in the box in the attic.” I stammered as a weight slipped off of my shoulders. I had felt incredibly guilty about reading her journal and confessing it to her brought instant relief.   She smiled at me, and took my hand in hers “Alright sweetie, I think you’re old enough for me to tell you..” then with a deep breath she told me everything I wanted to know… ### Next Chapter: [[10 - Happiness and the Dreams 💭]] ### Previous Chapter: [[9 - Reality 🩼]]