*Final Fantasy 7: Rebirth* is the most disappointing Final Fantasy I've played since [[Final Fantasy XVI is Exhausting|Final Fantasy XVI]]. This sucks. It sucks more than when I played *FFXVI*, because *FFXVI* wasn't one of my most anticipated games of that year. I went into that game pretty much certain I wouldn't like it all that much. *Final Fantasy 7: Rebirth* (which I'm gonna write as *FF7R2* or *Rebirth* from this point) was a game I was unbelievably excited for. **Was**. So what happened? In a phrase: open world bloat. Oh and terrible fucking mini-games. So two phrases, I guess. ## 4 Years for a Checklist *Final Fantasy 7: Remake* is a tightly-paced experience, which is a big part of what I loved about it. It had some annoying bumps along the way - *cough cough* train graveyard *cough cough*. But compared to *FF7R2* those bumps may as well be pebbles on the road. From the jump, *FF7R2* decides to go the open-world game route. And rather than crib from, like, good open-world designs - your *Breath of the Wild*s, your *Elden Ring*s, etc. - Square Enix decided to steal from *Ghost of Tsushima* instead. By this I mean you do not explore each area naturally. Instead you go from map marker to map marker, do a thing, and check it off the list. Doing these things isn't required - and we'll get to what that exactly means in detail later - but checking stuff off the list is useful because it gives your party experience points, items, and so on that make your journey easier. The gameplay loop becomes you doing groceries for a robot boy for 8 hours in between the actual cool set-pieces and shit. Now, I might not mind this checklist if it integrated your work into the lore and it felt good to move around the game world. Except neither of these things are true, so they suck ass. ## I Will Wring Chadley's Neck I Do Not Care He is a Child Fuck this little clown. His entire existence is probably 40% of the reason I don't enjoy *FF7R2* at all. Who's OC is this? Scrappy-Doo-lookin' ass. Chadley fucking sucks because he's the reason you do all these checklists. He's constantly popping up on your pseudo-facetime-phone to tell you how decimating the Grasslands' local wildlife will be good for his research or whatever. He sucks up all the screen-time that could have gone to the party, and removes any potential for natural exploration. Why can't I go dungeon-delving with Barret and get his opinion on the Gods before we stumble upon and fight Ramuh to get his summon materia? Because Chadley has Ramuh downloaded in his stupid, bland arena on his computer. Why can't we get Red XIII's thoughts on the fiends that Chadley wants us to hunt down? Because Girl!Chadley has to get on her podium and become the Mayor of Yappersville as you fight. And the worst part is, they do this for the actual side-quests! There's some wonderful stuff in the side-quests, like Cloud and Barret talking about Marlene growing up, Aerith and Cloud's feelings for each other, and Tifa telling us what a good breakfast routine is to get shredded. But you only get 4 side-quests on average in each region, compared to the obscene amount of busywork that Chadley has you doing every time you get into the open world. It feels like SQEX knew that people would be pissed if *FF7R2* wasn't gigantic to match the open world that appears after you leave Midgar. I guess they're right - I seem to be in the minority about hating all the busy work, barring this [Polygon review](https://www.polygon.com/reviews/24078968/final-fantasy-7-rebirth-review) that matches my thoughts almost exactly. But personally I just can't stand it. It's not fun. ## But Mint You Can Just Skip It Well aren't you clever???? That's crazy I never thought of that! Except here's the thing: There is a very big difference between a game that is clearly telling me I have a checklist to complete and very specific things that I've yet to do, compared to a game like the original *Final Fantasy 7*, which doesn't do this. Speaking more specifically, the original *FF7* completely opens up before the final boss, as most games from SQEX in that era did. There are a bunch of things you can do here that one would call "optional," but I, as the player, don't know what those things specifically are. I could easily go and finish the game without dealing with any of those optional things, and feel like I've "completed" the game, even if I left stuff unfinished. It's a psychological thing when it comes down to it, sure! But games can succeed without making you feel like you're going through busy work. It comes down to how *FF7R2* sets expectations. Much like *Elden Ring* and *Breath of the Wild*, if the game presented itself as containing a world where you can discover things - you know, like the original fucking game - I'd probably enjoy the open-world stuff a lot more. I get to feel like I'm an adult, at least being given the freedom of choice. But instead I am given a checklist of same-y tasks, and a glaring unclosed circle for each task I don't check off the list. And because maneuvering around the open-world sucks ass with bad chocobo controls and annoying geometry, the act of moving from checklist to checklist isn't even enjoyable!!! None of it is! AHHHHHH- ## Jak II & Like a Dragon Okay so I know *FF7R2* is supposed to harken back to the days of yore. This is a nostalgia grab in every sense of the word. What I didn't know is that it would try to recapture the ridiculous difficulty of PS2-era mini-game segments like you'd find in *Jak II*. I'll just say it plain: there are too many mini-games in *Rebirth*. There are too many, and most of them suck. There are too many, and most of them are needlessly difficult. Queen's Blood sucks. Hunting Moogles sucks. The sit-up mini-game sucks, even if it involves watching Tifa work out. Every five minutes there is a mini-game in *Rebirth*. This is barely an exaggeration. I understand that this is meant to capture the vibes of the original game. But the difference is that the mini-games in *FF7* lasted 15 minutes. [In fact, this video of some guy playing Fort Condor in the original game is exactly 16:16 seconds](https://youtu.be/NMbmnKSytDE). In *FF7R2*, Fort Condor will take you anywhere between 1 and 4 hours, depending on how much it beats your ass to finish its related checklist for ~~that miserable piece of shit robot~~ Chadley. I am all for mini-games that break up a gameplay loop! I just like that sort of thing to be done well. With that in mind, let's compare to *Like a Dragon*. In *LAD*, mini-games are done perfectly. This is because the game does this: 1. It introduces the mini-game in the main story 2. You play the mini-game's tutorial 3. You are now free to devote your entire life to playing it, or fuck off and keep going with the main story You don't need to sacrifice your soul to the behelit to finish any of the mini-games, because they're actually balanced when it comes to difficulty. And the rewards aren't as stark either: usually they're a source of money, or a way to get an end-game material if you don't want to grind for it elsewhere in the game. *FF7R2* is not like this. You **must** finish Fort Condor's hard mode if you want Chadley to get off your back. You **must** play the pirate shooting game that hurts your hands if you want some of the better materia. You **must** beat Wild Run if you want one of Red XIII's weapons. But don't worry! "You can just skip it"! It's fine! It's not like you paid for the game and feel like you need to get your money's worth, right you fucking clow- ## Is there anything you *do* like? ### YES!!! When *Rebirth* isn't pulling all this dumb shit it's phenomenal! The combat is better than ever! The banter is witty and leads to my favorite party in a game since *Tales of Berseria*! The plot is wild and mind-bending, just like I wanted! But unlike *Remake*, you're not getting that the whole time you play *Rebirth*. There are gigantic gaps where I'm expected to putz around doing chores for so long I literally forget what's going on in the story by the time I'm done. You can even go 20-30 minutes not fighting anything. In a game that has the best Action-RPG combat I have *ever* experienced, bar none. Why would you do this? I don't think I'm going to finish *Rebirth*, which is a wild thing to even say. I just can't stand it anymore. Which sucks! But I got enough homework doing my Master's last year - I'm not willingly doing more.