# Attachment needs > [!tip] This project grows through feedback > This wiki develops the way systemic ideas do — through feedback and circularity, not a fixed final version. If this page helped, confused, or fell short, that's worth knowing. [Give feedback →](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScrBMoa6DxSrVKz8yJSHonEA7jK_Ho0CIWqgH2ppkRN7omVjA/viewform?usp=publish-editor) ## Short definition [[Attachment]] needs are the fundamental, lifelong needs for accessibility, responsiveness and engagement from significant others — EFT's premise that beneath almost every relationship conflict is a bid for reassurance that "you're there for me, you see me, I matter to you." ## Level [[LEVEL 2 — CONCEPTS]] ## Expanded definition Building directly on [[Attachment]] theory, EFT treats adult romantic and family relationships as attachment bonds in their own right — not childhood needs a person should have outgrown, but lifelong, legitimate needs for a secure connection. Johnson's central reframe of couple conflict is that beneath almost any specific argument (about chores, money, time) is an unmet attachment need — a fear that a partner is not reliably available and responsive. This is assessed directly through the [[A.R.E.]] framework: Accessibility, [[Responsiveness]], Engagement. ## Why this concept matters Treating relationship conflict as being about attachment needs, rather than the surface content of an argument, changes what a couple is actually working on — not who's right about the dishes, but whether each partner can trust the other to be there when it matters. ## Non-clinical example A recurring argument about a friend always being late isn't really about punctuality — it's a bid for reassurance that the friendship matters enough to be prioritised. ## Clinical example A couple's repeated arguments about household chores are reframed, in EFT, as being about a deeper attachment need — whether each partner feels like a priority to the other — which changes the entire conversation from logistics to connection. ## Core insight Beneath most relationship conflict is an attachment need for reassurance and connection, not the surface content of the argument itself — addressing the attachment need directly is what actually resolves the distress. ## Questions before a session - What attachment need might be underneath this couple's presenting conflict? ## Questions during a session - What are you really asking for, underneath this specific complaint? ## Questions after a session - Did the attachment need beneath today's conflict become visible and addressed? ## Related epistemologies [[Attachment-informed epistemology]] ## Related schools and models [[Emotionally Focused]] ## Related concepts [[Attachment]] [[A.R.E.]] [[Negative interaction cycle]] ## Related pathways [[Emotionally Focused pathway]] [[Attachment pathway]] ## Key theorists / contributors [[Sue Johnson]] [[John Bowlby]] ## Key texts / references - Johnson, S. M. (2008). *Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love*. Little, Brown Spark. - Bowlby, J. (1988). *A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development*. Basic Books. ## Notes / source material Johnson's key contribution was extending Bowlby's attachment theory, originally developed for children, directly and fully into adult romantic relationships. > [!warning] Review status > **Status:** Open for review > > **Review history:** > > *(No reviews yet.)*