Many of us in conservative religions have been taught that, if only society can return to having 'strong nuclear families', the world will be OK again. ## Nuclear family is a modern invention Before about 1920, the idea that a man, and a woman, alone, with 2.3 children would live in the suburbs alone, disconnected from tribe and the family clan, _didn't even exist_. In fact, that was approximately when the term "nuclear family" was coined. The nuclear family is a novel marketing and propaganda term that has wreaked untold havoc on society. Just as multiple sticks burn brighter together, a couple alone has far fewer emotional and physical resources to ensure their family's needs are met. Even more important for purposes of our current discussion, instead of having a wealth of different age groups, experience levels, viewpoints, perspectives, and people who love them, the nuclear family reduces the people who can effectively care for and help children to meet their needs to just two. Even if the nuclear family is 'emotionally healthy', which is extremely unlikely, illness or death of one caregiver immediately reduces the emotional and often the financial resources that can be dedicated to supporting the children by 50% or more. This is an extremely precarious and unnecessary situation to put children in. The result is the society we see now. It's clear that the death of what little community we had in the past has put the current world in serious risk. And yet, few people are considering the obvious solutions of bringing more people together to support each other, for mutual support and community and to meet children's needs more effectively. ## The idea was created to sell more stuff The nuclear (nuclear meaning smallest unit) family was invented after WW I, initially in the United States, ostensibly to sell more houses, washing machines, vacuums, and lawnmowers to people living in individual houses that they would buy in the suburbs. However, this type of relating and social structure had, as far as we know, never been tried in the history of humanity. It reduced the [[What is a circle of concern|circle of concern]] practically down to one other person and maybe some kids. While it has some possible benefits in terms of freedom, especially from difficult or abusive family dynamics, the cost to this change in human relating is incalculable. ## Humans used to live in tribes Humans lived in tribes for virtually all of unrecorded history. In those tribes, usually of around 150 people, everyone would take care of everyone else. There were no accountants. No bookkeeping of who owed whom what. If the hunters took meat, it was shared with everyone. If the women made blankets, anyone who needed one would receive one. There was no buying and selling. No 30-year mortgages on a teepee. Everyone "knew" that it takes a village to raise a child. They helped each other with every aspect of child rearing and teaching. I spoke with a friend in Peru the other day and she said, "They nurse each other's children." As in, it still is perfectly normal for anyone in the village, who all take care of the children, to take care of their community's children in any way necessary. ## Clans were the next step After that, humans lived in clans. The clan was the extended family, from the grandparents down. Whether matriarchal or patriarchal depended on the place. But, still, the _entire_ family helped each other with whatever was needed. Often now, people live in larger ethnic communities, if they can. Or they simply live as a family alone in the city or suburbs. ## Disconnection makes us sick In contrast, in our society, every type of addiction and mental illness is epidemic. We are suffering from a crisis of connection. People are the loneliest that they have been since we started tracking the idea. People have fewer friends, less support, fewer close connections, and _more_ to deal with. Banks. Insurance. Taxes. Retirement. And work (for both men _and_ women) outside the home. People are exhausted. Anxious. Depressed. Under-resourced. _And all while they are trying to live in a way that no society has in all of recorded history_. And Christians call it 'God's plan for humanity' while ignoring Jesus' actual words about the family and what _true_ community would look like. ## Marriage is collapsing In addition, fewer people are marrying than ever before. Marriage has become a financial trap to men, whose children often become weapons against them in divorce court, and actually often doesn't give women what they want either. Suffice it to say, "The good old days, never were", and that they ain't coming back either. What is that supposed to look like, in the world we have now? Are we just supposed to force people to marry when it endangers their actual financial and emotional futures 6/10 times? Are people supposed to buy houses with money they don't have to move into neighborhoods they can't afford with white picket fences while mom stays home to raise the kids (she had lots of help in times past--still does in tribal society)...and then..._what_? ## The "good old days" never were (and won't be) The so-called nuclear family is not coming back to save any of us. The reasons are abundantly clear for anyone who has been watching the world. Many Christian conservatives believe that, "If only we could get people to live as we live, the world would be perfect" while ignoring the beam that is in their eye about their own communities and families. It's a fantasy. Like fairies or unicorns. It didn't work in the past, for any length of time. Any vision about it working in the future is just that: wishful thinking. But it gets worse ## Nuclear family harms children The NF is horrible for children, for two reasons. 1. It reduces their resources for getting their needs met and thriving. 2. It is inflexible and lacks redundancy. Any sane society would construct a system to take care of its future, the children, with as abundant financial, but more importantly, emotional resources as possible. And, that society would create a system in which, if something happened to one of the parents (loss of income, illness, death), that abundant resources and people are available to pick up the slack. Our society does the exact opposite. Single motherhood and fatherhood is rampant, while people who have financial and emotional resources are isolated or isolate themselves from participating to improve the raising, nurturing, education, and emotional support of children in any meaningful, long-term way. It is evil. In the tribe, if a parent becomes ill or dies, there are numerous backups to step in and take care and teach the child. In a tribe, each person represents maybe 1-5% of a child’s resources. There are many backups and failovers. It's a flexible, adaptable system. If an extended clan lives close together, aunts and uncles, grandparents can fulfill the needs of children almost seamlessly if tragedy strikes. In our world, children only really have TWO PEOPLE who actually care about and take care of them at hand quite often. How many people see clearly abused children next door but “can’t get involved” or do anything to help? Family services is hardly an optimal solution. Even if the parents are loving, if one dies or becomes incapacitated, 50%+ of need-meeting resources are taken from the child at once. Resources that are already thinly spread out among however many children there are. I don't know how many children a couple can handle, but the more adults that are available to support the children, the better the results for the children. That is simply logic. ## We all need a village “It takes a village to raise a child” isn’t the whole truth. It **also** _takes a village--a large group of people--for any person to get their needs met!_ The resources necessary to have a happy and fulfilled existence are simply not available in the current nuclear model, despite virtually infinite financial and food resources. ## Parents are desperate Why do mothers and fathers feel frazzled, overworked, underappreciated, drained, empty, and miserable? Why do they seek distraction and comfort in things that really don’t fulfill them? Why do they work too hard? Get addicted? Or laugh so much when comedians make jokes about the chasm between the sexes? Because it’s true. Obviously. Because they feel exhausted and betrayed. Lost. Confused. Empty. Drained. Books to read: [Civilized to Death](https://www.amazon.com/Civilized-Death-What-Lost-Modernity/dp/1451659105) Go [[Live better, forever|back]]