# The Self-Driven Child (book) ## 🔗Connect 🔼Topic:: [[supporting independence]] ## ✒️ Note-Making ### 💡Clarify 🔈 *Summary of main ideas* 1. **Stress is an infectious disease** - stress is not just an unpleasant experience, it has a devastating effect on our bodies and mind, including the long term, and especially for young growing mind. It promotes helplessness, weakens our reasoning skills, and disables our emotional stability. Even worse, it is contagious 2. **Autonomy for the rescue** - we are less stressed when we feel in control of our lives. Paradoxically, it means letting go of whatever we can't control, and support the autonomy of others, i.e our kids. When they are able to make meaningful choices about their lives, we are detoxing their stress. We improve their sense of control, their capabilities, their intrinsic motivation, and make them more resilient to stress. 3. **Learn to let go** - For us parents, reducing stress counterintuitively is done through letting go. We shouldn't try to mold our kids the way we want to, or to micromanage their lives. They are the captains of their ship, they bear the responsibility, and they have the best knowledge about themselves. 4. **Parent as consultants** - our job as parents is more like an consultant. To help them make informed decisions, to create an environment that supports their independence, and take care of the challenges that are still too much for them to handle. 5. **Treat them as an adult** - First of all, trust and respect works both ways, so be a role model of positive, healthy behavior. Talk to them at eye level, try to understand, and try to let them determine their limits and boundaries as much as possible. 6. **Practice healthy habits** - to make good choices, we need both the motivation, and the capability to do so. To maintain motivation, it's important to help them find and pursue their passion. However, this pursuit can't be too taxing. Remember to include time for sleep and downtime to recharge. To keep emotions from overloading them, talk with them about goal settings, having a plan B, self compassion and how to reframe obstacles. ### 🗒️Relate ⛓ *Life lessons, action items* ### 🔍Critique ✅ *by following this method, what will happen?* 1. Less stressful parenting - both you and your child would experience less stress 2. Capable kids - by letting them have control over their lives, we help them develop good decision making capabilities ❌ *the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...* 🧱 *Implementations and limitations of it are...* ### 🗨️Review 💭 *my opinions on the book, the writers style...* The writing is engaging, the chapters are focused and clear. I really like the "faq" and "what to do today" sections at the end of each chapter, they really add valuable content and more practical examples that are sometimes missing throughout the chapter. The second/third section of the book, from chapter 11 onwards has less relevance and less novelty than previous chapters. It turns into an index book which I dislike, and it caters more for the American audience. ### 🖼️Outline ![[The Self-Driven Child (book).webp]] ## 📒 Notes ### Why a Sense of Control is such a Big Deal A sense of control is essential for a happy and successful life. We need (Related:: [[Agency|Autonomy]]), without it, all we have is a feeling of (Jump:: [[helplessness]]) and (Jump:: [[stress]]). We need to feel ownership over our lives. **Even if we can't control all that's happening, at least we control the direction we are going**. That's when parenthood can be problematic, if we don't (Related:: [[validation|allow]]) our children to choose who they want to be and what they wish to do in life, we are setting them up for failure. There's no one path for success or happiness, and we are far from knowing what it is. (Reminds:: [[Happiness is contentment]]), so the best we can do is to support our child and help them find their own purpose (Related:: [[meaning is crafted]]) and inner source of (Related:: [[intrinsic motivation]]) > [!Quote]- Why a Sense of Control Is Such a Big Deal > - a healthy sense of control is related to virtually everything we want for our children, including physical and mental health, academic success, and happiness. ([Location 154](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=154)) > - Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned. ([Location 161](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=161)) > - Our role is to teach them to think and act independently, so that they will have the judgment to succeed in school and, most important, in life. ([Location 186](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=186)) > - Rather than pushing them to do things they resist, we should seek to help them find things they love and develop their inner motivation. ([Location 187](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=187)) ### The Most Stressful Thing in the Universe Stress can be harmful, especially if it's prolonged. The best answer we have to stress is to have a sense of control. **Once we recognize we are able to do something, stress goes away**. Stress can also be a positive thing, since it builds resilience to it if we have small manageable exposures (Jump:: [[Prevention]]). Therefore our role as parents is to mitigate stress for our kids. Not to shield them from it, but to support them. To give them the tools necessary for success, to listen to them when they need someone to talk to, and to intervene when it's a too great of a challenge for them. We have several systems in the human brain, the important ones are the: 1. (Aka:: [[Executive Attention Network]]) - this is our "self control " side of the brain, what we focus about, think about, try to do. This is the 'control center' of our conscious 2. (Jump:: [[Amygdala]]) - the "fight or flight" system, pure instinct, aimed to react to threats and avoid danger. The prioritization of immediate survival over everything else 3. (Aka:: [[Downtime brain|Default Mode Network]]) - our downtime brain that processes our lives in the background, the source of creativity and learning When we experience prolonged high levels of stress, we prioritize the amygdala over everything else. We lose control over ourselves, we can't learn, think critically, and literally destroy our bodies and mind to prioritize physical alertness and the enlargement of the amygdala at the price of other brain regions. This is why chronic stress causes a (Jump:: [[Negative cycle]]) that can end in (Jump:: [[depression]]), because stress leads to more helplessness, which increases stress. Stress is even more harmful in specific moments of our lives, pregnancy, early years and adolescence. Those are the moments where your "stress tolerance" is created. Usually at those years we are less tolerate to stress, and too much of it can change our brain for the worst. > [!Quote]- The Most Stressful Thing in the Universe > - If you have confidence that you can impact a situation, it will be less stressful. In contrast, a low sense of control may very well be the most stressful thing in the universe. ([Location 251](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=251)) > - Our role as adults is not to force them to follow the track we’ve laid out for them; it’s to help them develop the skills to figure out the track that’s right for them. ([Location 287](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=287)) > - kids need a supportive adult around, they need time to recover from the stressful event, and they need to have a sense of control over their lives. ([Location 329](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=329)) > - Under the amygdala’s reign, our behavior tends to be defensive, reactive, inflexible, and at times aggressive. ([Location 355](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=355)) > - Stress disorganizes the brain. It reduces brain wave coherence, the desire to explore new ideas and to solve problems creatively. It kicks our prefrontal cortex out of the driver’s seat and limits the flexibility with which we can pull ourselves together or learn. ([Location 372](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=372)) ### I Love You Too much to Fight with You **The parent as consultant** Giving them a sense of self control often requires us to give up of some of ours. Our tendency to treat their problems as ours has a (Jump:: [[Crowding Out]]) effect on their motivation. The more we try and force them, they less they want to do themselves (Reminds:: [[Micro-Management]]). The hard truth that we need to embrace is that we can't force them to do anything, and that by doing so we are robing their ability to cope with issues themselves. We have to let them fail, and (Related:: [[trust the process]]), knowing that it is those exact failures that will help them develop the ability to cope with them (Related:: [[Creative Destruction|Obstacles as stepping stones]]). This change won't happen overnight, and at first they will fail a lot, and what they will do will be not up to your bar, but that's part of the process of improvement (Related:: [[first batch trash]]) We therefore have to detach ourselves from the (Jump:: [[binary thinking]]) that it's either total permissiveness or complete control. We have to become their consultant, those who will be there for their kids, would help them thrive as they see fit, and will call us when they need to. For example, instead of "remember to do your homework tonight", shift to "what are your plans for tonight, and what do you need of me to make it happen?" This is not a lassie faire approach. We will only let them handle with what we believe that they are able to manage. We are there for them, we're not throwing them into the deep end and walk away. > [!Quote]- “I Love You Too Much to Fight with You About Your Homework” > - your job is not to solve your children’s problems but to help them learn to run their own lives. This reframing means that while we should guide, support, teach, help, and set limits for our kids, we should be clear—with them and with ourselves—that their lives are their own. ([Location 565](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=565)) > - If you act as if it’s your job to see that your child does his homework, practices the piano, or plays a sport, you reinforce the mistaken belief that somebody other than he is responsible for getting his work done. ([Location 588](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=588)) > - “I am going to do everything I can to help you be successful, but I’m not going to try to force you to do things because I say so.” ([Location 633](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=633)) > - The brain develops according to how it’s used. By giving your child the opportunity to make decisions for herself while still young, you will help her brain build the circuits that are necessary for resilience in the face of stress. ([Location 649](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=649)) > - The idea that once you hand over responsibility, your child will take it up with aplomb is mistaken. As the dynamic changes, it takes time for him—and you—to adjust and develop the skills needed to do things differently. ([Location 722](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=722)) > - we want our kids to be thoughtful learners, and want them to be self-disciplined, not well disciplined. ([Location 859](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=859)) ### It's Your Call **Kids as decision makers** When it comes to making decisions about our children, they are the ones who have both the incentive to make their lives happy and successful, and the best knowledge about themselves on how to get there. Therefore **we should allow them to make decisions about their lives, instead of making it for them**. Saying "it's your call", doesn't mean we allow them to make all and any decisions. They should not have to carry the burden of decision making in the house, and they shouldn't be able to say "chocolate cake for dinner every day". We should have (Jump:: [[parental rules|limits]]), but within those limits they can choose as they like. For example, it's okay to ask your kid "do you want to spend five more minutes at the park or go now?", it's not okay for them to call that they will stay for another hour, and it's okay for you to say "if you start fighting every time I tell you it's time to leave, we will come to the park less often". This is not a threat, but a way for them to understand the results of their decisions. Perhaps unsurprisingly, **when we help inform them about the decision at hand, most cases they will choose the better option, or find a creative solution we didn't think about**. So our role is to decide what are the limits of the decision, provide them information, and follow through with their choice. It's also helpful to let them come up with a plan b in case things go wrong, this will Kickstart their (Jump:: [[critical thinking]]), kind of like a (Jump:: [[Pre-Mortem]]). Also, remember that their emotions and feelings about things matter just as much as facts. That's exactly why we can't make decisions for them, because we are not them, we see the world differently. > [!Quote]- “It’s Your Call” > - “It’s your call. I have confidence in your ability to make informed decisions about your own life and to learn from your mistakes.” The trick is, you can’t just tell them this—you have to follow through. ([Location 901](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=901)) > - It’s our responsibility as parents to give the information and the perspective that we have—and that they lack—in order to enable them to make the best possible choices. Once properly informed, kids usually do make good decisions for themselves—and their decisions are almost always as good as or better than our own. ([Location 912](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=912)) > - How children feel about things and what they want are important components in their decision-making process—as important as the hard facts. ([Location 1063](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=1063)) ### The Nonanaxious Presence **How to help your kids find a sense of control by finding your own** Children (Jump:: [[Mirroring|mirror]]) our emotional state, whether we believe we can hide it or not, whether we are aware of it or not. Therefore our emotional state has a great influence on them, it's like a (Jump:: [[ripple effect]]), if we are calm, they are calm, if we are stressed, they are stressed. It's crucial for their development because it's not just how they feel "in the moment", it affects their brain development through changing their (Jump:: [[g[[Genetic Switches]]that are sometimes hard to switch back, thus changing their default behavior. You must handle your stress. Meditate, sleep, see an expert, journaling, whatever it takes to free yourself from that stress, and when you are with your child, focus on the happiness they bring you and you bring them, turn it into a joyful positive experience. > [!Quote]- The Nonanxious Presence > - Children don’t need perfect parents, but they do benefit greatly from parents who can serve as a nonanxious presence. ([Location 1312](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=1312)) > - When your home is a calm space, free of excessive fighting, anxiety, and pressure, it becomes the place to regenerate that your kids need. ([Location 1488](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=1488)) > - Your kid needs to feel the joy of seeing your face light up when you see him because you are genuinely happy to spend time with him. ([Location 1516](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=1516)) ### Inner Drive **How to help your kids develop motivation** External motivation might be helpful in the short term, but devastating in the long run. It crowds out creativity and creates bad incentives for success and grow. They will do the bare minimum to have the reward without actually benefiting from the work (Jump:: [[Goodhart’s Law]]). That's why we want to develop intrinsic motivation such that they will be their own fuel. This requires autonomy, competence and relatedness. In essence, this is a matter of having a (Related:: [[growth mindset]]), of creating (Related:: [[flow]]) like situations, and connecting their passion with things they can pursue in the real world. To nurture their internal motivation, we first have to see whether they are already passionate about something: 1. **Too little** - try to get them to explore the world, offer different classes or activities they can try to see whether they like it, and get them to reflect on their feelings 2. **Just right** - don't stand in their way, let them follow their passion, even if it's not school related 3. **Too much** - perhaps they have internalized external expectations, and need a moment to slow down ### Radical Downtime We need opportunities to clear our mind. If we constantly try to focus and do something, we don't give it time to refresh and relax. (Jump:: [[boredom]]) is more helpful than we think. We need to learn to (Jump:: [[Slowing down]]) and practice doing nothing. Either daydreaming or (Jump:: [[Meditation]]), to try and clear our thoughts, let go of our control of them, and just be present. This is one of the best ways to improve our focus, reduce stress and improve our wellbeing and health. So instead of constantly trying to fill the kid's schedule or checking your phone every available second, stop and let them (and you) be bored, to practice mindfulness and enjoy the quiet. To practice (Jump:: [[solitude]]). ### Sleep **The most radical downtime** (Jump:: [[sleep]]) is the most basic and essential need we have, it dictates our emotional stability, our health, our focus and our ability to learn. Due to excessive use of technology and social pressure, kids tend to sleep less than they should. Try to emphasize the importance of sleep, promote naps and have technology free evenings to help them get the sleep they need. > [!Quote]- Sleep > - An important part of high school is learning that you can’t do it all and knowing that your own well-being has to come first. ([Location 2502](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B072KBWB6G&location=2502)) ### Taking a Sense of Control to School Schools often have several problems that are counterproductive to development: 1. **Lack of choice** - students have low to no control over the curriculum, the method of teaching, or subjects they study 2. **One size fits all** - having the same progress for an entire class means that some would be challenged, some would be bored, and some would fall behind 3. **Too much homework** - we eliminate free time to explore and ponder by overloading them with homework 4. **Too many tests** - we have too many tests that bring pressure and competition 5. **Too much too early** - we try to reach developmental milestones much sooner than needed, which only cause more problems down the road. ### Wired 24/7 **Taming the beast of technology** Technology offers risks as well as potential benefits. Unfortunately teens are more susceptible to it's downsides and less capable of taming it. The (Jump:: [[attention economy]]) actively works towards making the children (Jump:: [[addiction|addicted]]) to it's games and social media. It causes to compare ourselves to others, to lose empathy and be exposed to endless negative comments, to replace face to face time and even sleep with screen time. It hurts their mental health. To reduce the use of technology and have better control over it: 1. **Talk at eye level** - don't belittle them and treat them as addicts, rather (Jump:: [[trust]]) that they are still able to make good decisions unless proven otherwise. Treat as a "we vs problem" and not a "Me vs you". Even play with them in their games, be part of their world and understand their motivation 2. **Show an example** - be (Related:: [[Role Models]]) to them. Only by showing how to manage technology in a healthy way, they will agree to do the same 3. **Use soft limits as possible** - the best case scenario would be to let the child find an appropriate solution to their technology consumption. Only if that doesn't work, you can try to limit it's use in a more rigid way 4. **Transparency is key** - you should always have access to their accounts, and let them know that you have it, it's a prerequisite for using it. ### Exercising the Brain and the Body Some mental models are useful as a preemptive method to make sure we are at our best capabilities to handle life's difficulties. Like stretching before a workout, a way to protect us while we experience hardships. Useful methods: 1. **Goal setting** - ask them to describe their goals, what are they hoping to achieve, how will they get there, and which obstacles will they face (Aka:: [[Life's Mission|Goal Setting]]) 2. **Have a plan B** - what will they do if things won't work out the way they planned? 3. **Listen to your emotions** - remember your emotions are a signal, but not always a useful one. Sometimes we are overridden by our amygdala and we should be aware of that instead of letting it control us 4. **Practice self compassion** - promote healthy (Jump:: [[self talk]]) and (Jump:: [[Self-compassion]]), be your own cheerleader 5. **Reframe problems** - the way we feel is the result of how we view the world and it's challenges. Have a (Related:: [[optimism|optimistic]]) mindset, view challenges as a way to grow, and put things in prospective. Most likely that these challenges won't kill or hurt you, but could be a useful lesson 6. **Play and exercise** - healthy mind in a healthy body. By incorporating physical activity in our lives we sharpen not only the body but also the mind ### Navigating Learning Disabilities For children with disabilities such as ADHD and ASD, it's even more important to give them a sense of control, having a supportive environment, and let them figure out their own solutions. Each person is unique, there's hardly a go-to rule for each disability. ### Standardized Testing Testing is scary, but the more we remove the novelty off of it, the more ready and less stressful we will be. Practice as many tests as possible, even see the location where it's going to be and simulate the experience so that you will be able to familiarize yourself with it, visualize yourself in the situation. Remember that no matter what, tests are only a numerical proxy, they don't measure intelligence, and hardly measure everything's that's important. (Jump:: [[McNamara Fallacy]]). Treat tests like a way to show your capabilities, rather than measure them. ### Who's Ready for College? College is potentially a toxic environment that can lead to lack of sleep, substance abuse, food problems and overall breakdown. This is because college is the first time they are truly responsible for every aspect of their lives. From doing laundry, to studying, social activities, and deciding how to spend your days. For those who are not ready, who haven't practice agency and running their lives before college, will have a hard time doing so in college. It's like throwing a child into the deep end, in most cases it will end in disaster. That's why the book promotes letting them have a sense of control, and practicing decision making early on, because it prepares them for independent living. If they are not yet ready, consider a gap year, which will be their intermediate step before college, a more structured environment to test out independent living. ### Alternate Routes There's no one route for success or happiness, neither we know it or them. Therefore the best we can do is to help them understand what they want to be or do right now, even if it might change later on. Remember that the answer might not be the most financially lucrative position, or even attending college. They should do what they are motivated to do, knowing that life is never a linear path, and it's hard to predict which steps we need to make, even retroactively every life story is complicated and full of turns. %% # Excalidraw Data ## Text Elements Autonomy ^h3nOl8he Stress/ Helplesness ^14cGgDQK It's your call ^pjIJXswP Consult, Don't mold ^JSu1avlf Healthy mind, healthy body ^YKCL7qfu Failures they can handle ^4ZFSA46t Their problem, their solution ^hseJf6Hh Inform only ^YQWnpXBE Support passion ^Ov821jct Sleep ^G1vhESSb Growth mindset ^h5sh3w3H Mindfulness ^PHLHbDhf Have a plan B ^yFu3DtZ3 Self compassion ^cvdcmIph Respect and trust ^BItEBKFq 😴 ^Z9i1GOFA 🌱 ^syhuxsDs 🪷 ^CcLYIw2Z 💭 ^M63KTf1L 🤗 ^F2Qpfvam 💪 ^Ai5G8VSp 🔑 ^5VZCXVw0 🛈 ^iUbktLRU 🔥 ^F8BEGU4x 🤝 ^BjmwpBpq ## Drawing ```json { "type": "excalidraw", "version": 2, "source": "https://github.com/zsviczian/obsidian-excalidraw-plugin/releases/tag/2.2.13", "elements": [ { "type": "rectangle", "version": 182, "versionNonce": 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