# Parenting with Love and Logic (book)
## ✒️ Note-Making
### 🔗Connect
⬆️Topic:: [[developing capabilities]]
⬆️Topic:: [[parental rules]]
### 💡Clarify
🔈 *Summary of main ideas*
1. **Let the consequences do the teaching** - The best lesson we can teach our children is the consequences of their actions. We shouldn't try to protect or rescue them from it, as long as it's not too dangerous, because by experiencing first hand the result of making a poor vs good choices, will strengthen their desire and skill to make better choices.
2. **Avoid lecturing, threats or I told you so** - Certain strategies are harmful to growth. When we confront rather than connect with our children, by lecturing, giving threats, or patronizing over them with sayings such as "I told you so" will only hurt your relationship, cause backlash and rebellious nature, and shift focus from the lesson to the power struggle.
3. **Empathize, but don't rescue** - It's hard to see our kids suffer. While it's important for them to suffer the consequences, it pains us to do so. That's why we have to truly empathize with their pain, to share it, but not remove it. We can't rescue them, otherwise the lesson won't be taught. The pain is a useful teacher, even though we want to protect them from it. The balance between empathizing and "doing nothing" is hard yet essential. Mistakes are the best teachers, and it's their responsibility to solve their problems, we can't do it for them.
### 🗒️Relate
⛓ *by following this method, what will happen? What is the goal of this book?*
1. Children who are able to make better decisions, that are more responsible
2. Easier parenting with higher ratio of cooperation
### 🔍Critique
✅ *relevant research, metaphors or examples that helps to convey the argument*
❌ *the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...*
Some of the advices in this book are plain mean, counterproductive or irresponsible. Like leaving your kid out on the road as you drive by to teach them punctuality, or to "tax" their allowance if they throw food away.
It's too "tit for tat" without mercy, after all, we make plenty of mistakes, and surrender to anger and temptations, so to expect perfection from our kids "or else" is as cruel as it is naive.
Also, sometimes the "listening" part is missing. We say "too bad, what are you going to do about it", no matter what's the child's state at that moment, no matter how much they beg or cry.
🧱 *Implementations and limitations of it are...*
More than half of the book is an index of examples on how they could implement this approach in different situations. While it sounds relevant and useful, in the end it's difficult to have 47 useful guides in such a short section (about 1-2 pages per situation)
### 🗨️Review
💭 *my opinions on the book, the writers style...*
This book lacks polish. The anecdotes serve more to fill the book rather than provide insights, and the main message is quite repetitive that even before halfway through I feel there's nothing more to learn.
### 🖼️Outline
![[Parenting with Love and Logic (book).webp]]
## 📒 Notes
### The Love and Logic Parent
#### Parenting: Joy or Nightmare
Every parenthood can and will face difficult moments. The goal of parenting with Love and Logic is to find (Jump:: [[win win situations]]), where the parents get to have a more peaceful parenting experience, with disciplined children without resorting to anger and threats, while the kids grow up to be responsible adults, capable of handling problems on their own, ready to face the world.
> [!Quote]- Parenting: Joy or Nightmare?
> - Parenting with Love and Logic is all about raising responsible kids. It’s a win-win philosophy. Parents win because they love in a healthy way and establish control over their kids without resorting to the anger and threats that encourage rebellious teenage behavior. Kids win because they learn responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems. Thus, they acquire the tools for coping with the real world. ([Location 363](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=363))
#### Mission Possible: Raising Responsible Kids
Making good choices is a skill, and like every skill, it takes time and practice to grow (Aka:: [[learning by doing]]). Kids who failed to get such chances while growing up will likely make bad decisions later on when they achieve independence. Also, making bad decisions as a teen or as an adult is much worse than bad decisions a toddler can do, so the sooner we start the better (Aka:: [[practice beats talent]]).
Here are some parenting types that don't help their children develop that skill:
1. **Helicopter parenting** - They do everything for their kid, with an excuse that they want the best for them, that they want every possible advantage that they can give, and why shouldn't they use their experience and wisdom to help their child in a moment of need? These parents either (or both) make the decisions for them, tell them what to do/think, and also (Jump:: [[dont jump to the rescue|rescuing]]) them for any potential (Jump:: [[failure]]). The child is more like an object passed through stations in their life, than a person with an opinion, a choice and with consequences for their actions.
2. **lassie-faire parenting** - These parents don't intervene at all with their child, they give them complete independence without any support.
Kids who grew up with either types of parenting grow up without the tools necessary to make good decisions on their own. They will either experience a crisis in which they can't make up their mind, or find someone to follow.
The book suggests that we should be **consulting parents**. To set (Jump:: [[boundaries]]), but to still allow for flexibility within them. To give choices (Aka:: [[Agency|freedom of choice]]), but not unlimited ones (that have the worst consequences), to advise what they should do, but not force them to do it. We have to let them fail while it's still "cheap" to do so, so that they could learn.
The cost of learning has went up recently, the more dangerous options kids have "out there", so if we try to protect them from it, to hide them and save them from failures, especially when they're small, we are not doing them a good service, we are not helping them develop, this is not an act of love, it selfishness. They do so to be needed, to be wanted, not for the betterment of their kid.
Loving them enough to let them fail - this is the real challenge of true love. However, this doesn't mean that we shouldn't care what happens to them, or to let them do 100% as they like (that's the lassie-faire approach). We need to estimate which challenges fit their current level, and which are too much and should be postponed to later years (but not skipped).
> [!Quote]- Mission Possible: Raising Responsible Kids
> - We must understand that making good choices is like any other activity: It has to be learned. ([Location 394](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=394))
> - Traffic tickets, overdue bills, irresponsible people, crippling diseases, taxes—these and other normal events of adult life usually do not disappear because a loving benefactor bails us out. Helicopter parents fail to prepare their kids to meet that kind of world. ([Location 413](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=413))
> - Drill sergeant parents tend to create kids who are followers because they have never learned how to make decisions for themselves. ([Location 447](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=447))
> - The message the helicopter parent sends is, “You are fragile and can’t make it without me.” The drill sergeant’s message is, “You can’t think for yourself, so I’ll do it for you.” ([Location 449](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=449))
> - Children need thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits. We set those limits based on the safety of the child and how the child’s behavior affects others. Then we must maintain those limits to help children understand that they are responsible for their actions and will suffer reasonable consequences for actions that are inappropriate. ([Location 477](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=477))
> - They ask their children questions and offer choices. Instead of telling their children what to do, they put the burden of decision-making on their kids’ shoulders. They establish options within limits.[2] ([Location 488](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=488))
> - Failure and success are two sides of the same coin. ([Location 510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=510))
> - it’s painful to watch our kids learn through natural consequences or, as we like to call them, significant learning opportunities (SLOs). But that pain is part of the price we must pay to raise responsible kids. We have a choice though: We can hurt a little as we watch them learn life’s lessons now, or we can hurt a lot as we watch them grow up to be individuals unable to care for themselves. ([Location 551](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=551))
> - Learning how to handle small things—and especially to fail at small things and grow through that affordable experience—is the best way to prepare our children for whatever they may face in the future. ([Location 569](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=569))
> - The problem is, rescuing parents often rescue out of their own needs. They like to heal hurts. They are parents who need to be needed, not parents who want to be wanted. ([Location 589](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=589))
> - The challenge of parenting is to love kids enough to allow them to fail—to stand back, however painful it may be, and let SLOs build our children. ([Location 594](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=594))
> - To help our children gain responsibility, we must offer them opportunities to be responsible. ([Location 601](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=601))
#### Responsible Children Feel Good about Themselves
Children's capabilities rest on their level of (Jump:: [[self worth|Self esteem]]), without it they wouldn't believe themselves, and without belief there can't be any improvement.
Their self esteem is deeply tied to how we see and interact with them. Our (Jump:: [[expectations]]) and phrasing has a lot of impact on them. To yell, to give them orders, to clinically question their decisions, to belittle and discourage them, to criticize their actions, are all ways in which we damage their self esteem.
Paradoxically, for them to want to improve, we first have to (Jump:: [[validation|accept]]) and love them as they are now (Reminds:: [[Reverse Thinking|Inverse]]).
We want to encourage, not praise them (Reminds:: [[how to give praises]]). It means to approach them with (Jump:: [[curiosity]]), rather than saying white lies in hopes to build their confidence. If they catch us lying, they won't believe us anymore. It's better to ask about the experience (Aka:: [[open ended questions]]), to see their point of view.
Also, to encourage a behavior, we should make it (Jump:: [[gamification|fun]]), instead of giving harsh criticism. Play with them, experience the moment, rather than saying (or implying) that they're not good enough.
We have to accept that they are capable of handling their own lives (to a degree)
We have to (Jump:: [[role models|model]]) the behavior we wish to see in them. If we sacrifice everything for them, than we are putting ourselves last, which means they will in turn out themselves last as well when they grow up.
> [!Quote]- Responsible Children Feel Good about Themselves
> - With love enough to allow the children to fail, with love enough to allow the consequences of their actions to teach them about responsibility, and with love enough to help them celebrate the triumphs, our children’s self-concept will grow each time they survive on their own. ([Location 625](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=625))
> - As parents, we play an integral part in the building of a positive self-concept in our children. In our words and through our actions, in how we encourage and how we model, the messages we give our kids shape the way they feel about themselves. ([Location 641](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=641))
> - Kids can’t get better until we prove to them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they’re good enough the way they are. ([Location 709](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=709))
#### Children's Mistakes Are Their Opportunities
The worst thing we can do is make their problems our problems. If they know we take care of it, they won't. There won't learn responsibility or the consequences of their mistakes.
However, the reverse is true. If it's our problem, it should be theirs as well. For example, we can't let them neglect a pet just to learn a lesson, we should step in to avoid having a disaster, but we still need to talk to them about it so that the lesson would sink in.
> [!Quote]- Children’s Mistakes Are Their Opportunities
> - Everything we fix for our kids, our kids will be unable to fix for themselves. ([Location 968](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=968))
> - Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. The statements are enforceable because they deal with how we will respond. When a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. ([Location 1022](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1022))
#### Settings Limits with through Thinking Words
Children need boundaries, stable clear rules to follow. They need it for their wellbeing as well as ours.
To create stable boundaries, it's better to use *thinking words* instead of *fighting words*. Avoid using threats that diminish in effectiveness with time or encourage rebellion in them. Instead suggest options, like "you can eat nicely or go play", "I will only pick up a bottle once, so decide when it's going to be".
Using fighting words can lead to (Jump:: [[reactance]]). They will rebel, either by passive aggressive, neglect or other overt and covert ways to avoid doing what you asked (Reminds:: [[organizational conflict]]).
To make our limits easier to be received, we need to use a more (Jump:: [[positive language]]). Turn a "no" into a "yes when" or "yes but".
For example: "can I go play outside?" "Yes, tomorrow" or "yes once you've done the dishes" instead of just saying no. Some things we have to say no to, but it's good to explain why, for example: "can I get this horse?" "Can you afford it?" "No" "than so can't I. I'm sorry, but that's how we must think when we consider buying expensive things".
> [!Quote]- Setting Limits through Thinking Words
> - They seek limits on their behavior; they feel secure when they know what they can and cannot do. ([Location 1193](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1193))
> - Kids seem most secure around parents who are strong, who don’t allow the limits they place on their kids to crumble. Children lose respect for adults who cannot set limits and make them stick. Kids who misbehave without having to face the consequences become brats. ([Location 1204](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1204))
> - When we issue such commands, we are calling our kids to battle, and in many cases these are battles we cannot win. ([Location 1335](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1335))
#### Gaining Control though Choices
Don't fight a loosing battle. This means choosing our battles wisely, but also shape them in a way where we cannot lose.
The best way to not lose a battle is to not make it a battle in the first place. By giving them choices and using thinking words, we can turn a battle for control into a win win situation. In contrast, using orders and fighting words would turn it into a rebellion where everybody loses.
Remember that not all choices are legitimate. This is the delicate balance we have to face as parents. To give as much freedom as possible, without enabling choices that are destructive or unacceptable by us.
By giving them choices, we show we (Jump:: [[trust]]) their decision making and respect them, and we encourage them to (Aka:: [[system 2|think]]) rather than just react. They get a say in what they do, which also increases their sense of (Jump:: [[ownership]]) and (Jump:: [[responsibility]]) over the events of their lives.
We don't control everything, and it's important to notice that. For example, we can't force our kid to eat, but we control when and how to offer them food. We don't control whether they do their homework, but we can choose to offer help or design a schedule that would facilitate it.
During the situation and afterwards we must stay unruffled, unfazed by their behavior. We have to avoid saying "I told you so" when the face the results of making the wrong choice, but we also must avoid backing down. If a child choose to leave without their coat, we don't say "I told you so" or "lets drive back and get it". We empathize with their pain, yet carry on. They must live through their decision in order to avoid making the same mistake again. The child will probably resist, but we must be strong. If we gave a choice and they choose neither, we must choose for them, and must follow through with conviction.
> [!Quote]- Gaining Control through Choices
> - The secret to establishing control is to concentrate on fighting battles that we know we can win. That means we must select the issues very carefully. We must pick areas where we do have control over our kids. Then we must offer choices in those areas. ([Location 1472](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1472))
> - teaching a child responsibility is not a free ride. We must steel ourselves for resistance and opposition. There’s a price we must pay. ([Location 1637](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1637))
#### The Recipe for Success: Empathy with Consequences
We have to let the consequences do the talking. No arbitrary punishment, and not lecturing. The real world doesn't work that way, so parenting shouldn't either. They have to learn the consequences of their choices. It's through (Related:: [[experience knowledge|experiencing]]) it that they learn best, through first hand pain or pleasure from their decisions.
It's best that the consequences would be related as much as possible to what they did. That we won't rescue them, and that we would truly express empathy when they are down, yet still won't come to their rescue, through sentences like "that's awful. What can you do about it?"
The goal of consequences is to teach them that they are the ones responsible, that they only have themselves to blame. This is the price of freedom and choices.
For example, instead of forcing your kids to go to sleep, let them have their way, and let them experience how awful a day without sleep is. Similarly, a chronically late kid is not the parents problem, they shouldn't be their personal driver and or problem solver. It's their problem to fix with their teachers, and find a way to be on time.
The pain is the lesson, but our love and support is what makes it stick.
> [!Quote]- The Recipe for Success: Empathy with Consequences
> - control and power are handled like money. We rejoice when the child handles them correctly, and we show empathy without rescue when unwise choices result in consternation, pain, and regret. ([Location 1731](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1731))
> - Consequences leave kids thinking very hard about their behavior and their responsibilities. Consequences lead to self-examination and thought. ([Location 1762](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1762))
> - Letting the consequences do the teaching isn’t enough. We as parents must show our empathy—our sincere, loving concern—when the consequences hit. That’s what drives the lesson home with our children without making them feel as though we’re not “on their side.” ([Location 1811](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1811))
> - The thing that drives the lesson into our children’s hearts after they make a mistake is our empathy and sadness. We put the relationship between us and our children foremost in our minds. Our love for them reigns supreme. ([Location 1879](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07T6C3R2Y&location=1879))
#### Light Camera Parenting
Love and logic parenting requires (Jump:: [[authenticity]]). We if fail to model good behavior, if we try to fake empathy without truly feeling it from the heart, we are perceived as cold and uncaring. Children see right through us. Saying the words without meaning them is counterproductive.
### Love and Logic Parenting Tools
Good parenting is a skill, and as every skill it requires practice. Not just with our kids, but also with ourselves. to envision how things might turn out, and practice our words, our tone, our choices (Reminds:: [[simulations]])
This section is a list of possible scenarios and what the theory suggest to do in each case. The suggestions are often obvious (as a logical conclusion), and yet I don't agree with many of them, nor are they memorable.
%%
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Don't punish, let reality
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