# Master of Change
## ✒️ Note-Making
### 🔗Connect
🔼Topic:: [[Change (MOC)]]
### 💡Clarify
🔈 *Summary of main ideas*
1. **Flexibility is key** - the world is ever changing, if we treat ourselves as something fixed, if we would expect the world to remain fixed, we would be filled with stress, anxiety and pain. We have to be flexible, to allow ourselves to adapt, to change who we are, to change how we view ourselves
3. **Flexible mindset**
1. **Change is inevitable** - don't ignore or fight it, work with it, switch from having to being mindset. Don't base your identity on what you have, not even what you are capable of, only on how you choose to respond. Your mindset.
2. **It will be hard** - happiness is expectations minus reality. The higher our expectations, the farther we fall. We should instead aim for tragic optimism - things might go wrong, but I can overcome.
4. **Flexible identity**
1. **Fluid sense of self** - identity is like water, changing shape when necessary. It is also never a single thing, but a collection of multitudes, a diverse range of aspirations and even contradictions. Flexible identity leads to stronger endurance of changes
2. **Flexible boundaries** - let your core values guide you during times of change, they will be the boundary of all your possible identity, and help you navigate which path to take. Flexibility is the harmony between the changing world and your values.
5. **Flexible action**
1. **Respond not react** - identity what's in your control and what isn't. Don't immediately react, use pause, process plan and proceed to gain distance from the situation, clear your mind and understand exactly what you can and should do.
2. **Making meaning and moving forward** - Growth takes time, first we need to recover from the crisis. With humility, asking for help, focusing on healthy routines, giving ourselves plenty of rest and self compassion we are more likely to finish the "recovery" part faster and better, and move towards "growth"
### 🗒️Relate
⛓ *by following this method, what will happen? What is the goal of this book?*
1. **Resilient, flexible identity** - one that withstands, if not thrives in moments of change. One that is able to accept change, yet has boundaries for it. That is able to convert trauma into growth
### 🔍Critique
✅ *relevant research, metaphors or examples that helps to convey the argument*
1. **Homeostasis vs allostasis** - we all remember homeostasis, the desire to return to a balance based on a fixed value no matter what happens, but true strength and stability is in allostasis. The ability to reach balance through adaptation, like developing muscles to withstands challenges.
2. **The river and the banks** - change is like a flowing river. If we ignore it we'll drown, if we fight it we will be crushed. We must go with the flow, yet have clear boundaries (the banks) on the limits of change we can embrace, based on the core values we wish to preserve throughout time
3. **SEEKING and RAGE** - mutually exclusive ways of thinking. We are either focused on feeling, on experiencing and going all out with our emotions, or we are seeking, gaining perspective and thinking clearly and creatively about the situation.
4. **Pause process plan proceed** - steps to take whenever we face a crisis, that will help us convert it into beneficial, wise action instead of just reaction. To pause (take a brake), to observe these feelings/situation (process), to think what we could and should do about it (plan) and execute it (proceed)
❌ *the logical jumps, holes or simply cases where it is wrong...*
🧱 *Implementations and limitations of it are...*
### 🗨️Review
💭 *my opinions on the book, the writers style...*
This book echoes deep, it is the "why" of change in a sea of "how",it's philosophical yet direct, honest, practical, and inspiring. The short summaries at the end of each chapter is nice, and the conclusion is a genuine quick guide summary.
Sure, the examples are sometimes just okay, and the metaphors are not always on point (or a bit forced), but this is still a must read, it could be one of those books that can help you find hope in a dark place.
### 🖼️Outline
![[Master of Change (book).webp]]
## 📒 Notes
### Rugged Flexibility
**A new model for working on change and identity over time**
**Change is the one true constant of nature and our lives**. On average once every two years something big changes in our lives. Those who think they can avoid it, either freezing time or themselves are at best misguided and at worst will suffer deeply from it. (Related:: [[life is change]]).
Change in itself is neither positive nor negative, it is up to our (Jump:: [[Judgment]]) to choose how to react and work with it, that will enable us to convert these moments into periods of growth. It requires us to be (Related:: [[adaptability|adaptable]]).
We are too fixated by the notion of (Jump:: [[Balance Extremes|Homeostasis]]), that we can always return or maintain the same state of something no matter what happens. That's why change often causes us to experience (Jump:: [[Reactance]]), we either ignore it or actively fight against it, trying to keep things how they were.
In reality, systems work in a process called (Jump:: [[Allostasis]]), which means they create a new normal, one that is best suited to the situation. Like (Jump:: [[neuroplasticity]]), the body adapts to the new situation by changing itself such that it's functioning would remain optimal. Like growing new muscles after a workout.
Change therefore is a process of (Related:: [[creative destruction]]), a constant process of order, disruption and reorder, or thesis, antithesis and synthesis. That's why flexibility is key. We can't treat change as an either or, we need to ditch (Jump:: [[binary thinking]]) and see both negative and positive in every change. We have to be (Jump:: [[Anti-Fragility|anti fragile]]) towards change, to be better for it.
> [!Quote]- Introduction
> - We tend to think that change and disorder are the exceptions when, in reality, they are the rules. ([Location 322](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=322))
> - though you may wish it weren’t so, you simply cannot pause time or control life. Trying to is a fool’s errand, utterly exhausting and a common cause of burnout and languishing for otherwise healthy people. ([Location 340](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=340))
> - change itself is neutral. It becomes negative or positive based on how we view it and, more importantly, what we do with it. ([Location 344](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=344))
> - hoping that we won’t be struck by change, that we’ll stay more or less the same, is misguided at best and leads to suffering at worst. ([Location 347](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=347))
> - Following disorder, living systems crave stability, but they achieve that stability somewhere new. ([Location 407](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=407))
> - Everything is changing always, including us. We are constantly somewhere in the cycle of order, disorder, reorder. ([Location 414](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=414))
> - you achieve stability not by fighting change or getting back to where you were, but rather by skillfully working with change and arriving at someplace new. ([Location 424](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=424))
> - life advances via adapting to continually changing circumstances. There is no going back to the way things were. Change is a constant. ([Location 433](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=433))
> - Non-dual thinking recognizes that the world is complex, that much is nuanced, and that truth is often found in paradox: not this or that, but this and that. ([Location 488](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=488))
> - Rugged flexibility recognizes that after disorder there is no going back to the way things were—no more order, only reorder. The goal of rugged flexibility is to get to a favorable reorder; to maintain a strong core identity, but at the same time, to adapt, evolve, and grow. ([Location 497](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=497))
### Rugged and Flexible Mindset
#### Open to the Flow of Life
**Change is never easy, but what makes it hard is our resistance or ignorance of it**. It leads to (Jump:: [[stress]]) and sometimes even (Jump:: [[Absurdity of existence|existential dread]]).
Meanwhile major philosophies around the world acknowledged the drawbacks of (Jump:: [[attachment]]), and the importance of (Related:: [[acceptance]]) of the circumstances of our lives, of how little we control and what we can do.
We must embrace (Related:: [[Life as Flow|]]), it's not about trying to control the world, but rather use what's happening to our advantage, to be the best version we can be with the cards we've been dealt with.
One way of doing so is to shift from a *having* to a *being* mentality, from basing your identity on what you have in life (could be your possession, and even the functioning of your body), to be, to connect yourself with your circumstances and find ways to express who you are. (Reminds:: [[external influence]]) (Reminds:: [[form vs essence|Image vs core]]).
Often what makes this shift easier is to accept the (Jump:: [[inescapability]]) of change. When we realize that **change is and will happen and there's nothing we can do to prevent it, we can shift our focus to "what do we do now"**. (Reminds:: [[Pragmatism]])
And to make it slightly more encouraging, the nature of change is what provides our life meaning, because it creates (Jump:: [[scarcity]]). It is because we know that we only have x years/months before something happens or ends, we cherish it more (Supports:: [[Fleetingness]]).
> [!Quote]- Open to the Flow of Life
> - it is not so much change itself that causes harm, but our slow uptake of it, or in some cases, our downright resistance and refusal. ([Location 596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=596))
> - the goal is to open to the flow of life and accept change, to assimilate the anomalous cards in our own respective experiences and get comfortable in a world that, at times, may seem upside down. ([Location 647](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=647))
> - life is change. If you fear change, then, in many ways, you fear life—and ([Location 715](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=715))
> - Once you accept something as an immutable reality in the present moment, you give yourself permission to stop wishing it away or trying to manipulate it on your terms. This allows you to direct all of your energy toward acceptance and moving forward. ([Location 825](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=825))
> - To live is to lose. And it is the certainty of loss21 that makes life meaningful. ([Location 881](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=881))
#### Expect it to Be Hard
Our (Jump:: [[subjective reality]]) is highly influenced by our (Jump:: [[expectations]]). Our mind constantly tries to (Jump:: [[prediction|predict]]) what is going to happen and prepares in advance as if it is already happening. When reality exceeds our expectations we are happy, and when it fails it we are sad and frustrated. This means that the best way to promote our wellbeing is by shifting our expectations first. (Reminds:: [[Happiness is contentment]])
That's why the worst thing for happiness is expecting to be happy all the time. Instead we should strive for tragic (Related:: [[optimism]]), which is to acknowledge the inescapability of pain on the one hand, yet know that we often have a way to handle it, like "it will be difficult but we will overcome". If reality turns out to be as bad as you thought, at least you are prepared. If it turns better than you thought, you will be happy and at ease. That's a (Reminds:: [[win win situations]]).
Expectations and especially resistance are like (Jump:: [[Multiplier]]) for pain. The more we resist to pain and (Jump:: [[Struggle|Challenge]]), the feeling of pain grows exponentially.
> [!Quote]- Expect It to Be Hard
> - our happiness in any given moment is a function of our reality minus our expectations. ([Location 939](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=939))
> - consciousness is not solely our experience of reality; it is our experience of reality filtered and modulated by our expectations for it. ([Location 996](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=996))
> - The bigger the mismatch, especially if expectations are rosier than reality, the worse the suffering. ([Location 1012](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1012))
> - the worst way to be happy is by trying to be happy all the time, or worse yet, assuming (and expecting) that you ought to be. ([Location 1078](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1078))
> - tragic optimism is about realizing the inevitability of suffering, that life gives us plenty of practice on its own, and also that we generally have at least some say in how we face it. ([Location 1096](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1096))
> - Wise hope and wise action ask that you accept and see a situation clearly for what it is, and then, with the hopeful attitude necessary, say, Well, this is what is happening now, so I will focus on what I can control, try not to obsess over what I can’t, and do the best I can. I’ve faced other challenges and other seasons of doubt and despair, and I’ve come out the other side. ([Location 1141](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1141))
> - suffering is not the same thing as pain: suffering equals pain times resistance. ([Location 1207](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1207))
> - Tragic optimism helps you set appropriate expectations. Wise hope and wise action allow you to move forward with grace and grit. ([Location 1261](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1261))
### Rugged and Flexible Identity
#### Cultivate a Fluid Sense of Self
A flexible, strong identity is a (Jump:: [[diversity|complex]]). When we focus too much on just one thing, when we tie our identity to a single pursuit, anxiety and stress follows. We become dependent on the one thing, and if it fails then so do we. That's why we should (Jump:: [[multitrack]]), to nurture several aspects of our identity simultaneously. For example being a good friend, playing a sport, have hobbies, etc. (Reminds:: [[Diversity]])
In addition to maintaining the richness of our inner identity (Aka:: [[A person is a community]]), so must we nourish our external one. We are forever influenced by the (Jump:: [[context]]) of our surroundings. We are defined (Related:: [[interpersonal identity]]) and think (Related:: [[extended mind]]) with others. By connecting, listening and being influenced by the world around us, we open ourselves for great development of character which would strengthen our resilience and flexibility.
**Our identity has to be dynamic, and we should change it based on whether who we are currently helps "us" or not**, if it is a hindrance to our wellbeing. (Reminds:: [[change starts from the inside out]]).
Always hold in your heart that we contain multitudes, we are both who we are now, and all who we want to be. Identity is more flexible and strong when we pursue (Related:: [[Breath beats depth|Range]]). When we combine, pursue and include multiple aspirations, skills and identities within us.
> [!Quote]- Cultivate a Fluid Sense of Self
> - when there is too great a fusion between one’s identity and their pursuit, then anxiety, depression, and burnout frequently result. ([Location 1347](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1347))
> - it is advantageous to hold our identities in two ways at the same time. There is the conventional self that is distinct, stable, and here right now. And there is the ultimate self that is constantly changing, that transcends any one endeavor. ([Location 1635](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1635))
#### Develop Rugged and Flexible Boundaries
**Fluid identity doesn't mean simply flowing without any direction**. Like a river, we need banks to make sure we are on the right track. For us humans these are our (Related:: [[core values]]), they are our guide into the unknown, when everything is changing, we can trust ourselves to follow these values and find the next step in each situation. (Reminds:: [[virtue theory]]). They make sure we don't "lose ourselves" due to over fluidity, yet are still capable of change. They are the glue between all our identities, present and future. They provide direction for our choices and actions. Flexible identity is therefore the harmony between the ever-changing circumstances and your values.
Values might change over time, but this is a long and deep process. More often, what changes is not our values but how we actualize or follow them.
> [!Quote]- Develop Rugged and Flexible Boundaries
> - Nothing can take your values away from you. They provide a rudder to steer you into the unknown, guiding how you differentiate and integrate over time. ([Location 1762](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1762))
> - Regardless of what you are faced with or what you are feeling, you can lean on your core values for support and to guide your next steps. ([Location 1783](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=1783))
### Rugged and Flexible Actions
#### Respond not React
First we must accept that some things are simply beyond our control. However it is not always easy to differentiate between the two. We might experience *target fixation*, we become so focused on something that we lose control over it. Whether it is an external goal we pursue or an emotion that it taking over us (Jump:: [[emotional hijacking]]). The key is to (Aka:: [[Zoom out]]), what the Japanese fall *zanshin*, to focus on your surroundings and how you interact with it instead of your goal.
We are constantly either focused on feeling, on experiencing and going all out with our emotions (Reminds:: [[System 1]]), or we are seeking, gaining perspective and thinking clearly and creatively about the situation (Reminds:: [[System 2]]). These modes of thinking are (Jump:: [[Crowding Out|Mutually Exclusive]]), so the more we focused on seeking, the less "enraged" we will be.
Another issue that can help us identify what's within our control is to simply try. Making a difference is often an issue of (Related:: [[momentum]]). **We don't have to be confident or motivational in order to start doing, it's the reverse. By doing we become motivated** and (Jump:: [[Self Worth|Confident]]). When we are more confident, change is less scary because we know we are able to do something about it. (Related:: [[Reverse Thinking]])
This doesn't mean that we have to instantly react to change. Instead we need to *pause, process, plan and proceed*.
First we need to (Aka:: [[Rest|pause]]), to gain some (Jump:: [[cognitive distancing]]) by noticing and (Jump:: [[Naming|Labeling]]) what we are feeling. Often just naming our emotions removes their control over us. Other options of pausing is taking a (Jump:: [[nature walk]]) or (Jump:: [[Meditation]])
Then we must process and plan. To use this distance from the situation to approach it with (Jump:: [[curiosity]]), as a riddle that needs an answer, and not a crisis that's overwhelming. Think of it as something that happens to a friend, what would you recommend to him? Or imagine future you years after this, how would he react?
Lastly we should proceed, which is to follow through with our plan the best way we can.
> [!Quote]- Respond Not React
> - we cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. ([Location 2036](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=2036))
> - you don’t need to feel good to get going; you need to get going to give yourself a chance at feeling good. ([Location 2219](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=2219))
> - Though we are conditioned to think that our being influences our doing, it is amazing how much the opposite is also true: our doing influences our being, too. ([Location 2227](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=2227))
> - if you are secure in your ability to respond to change, then you become increasingly at peace with it, and thus more likely to skillfully navigate whatever life throws your way. ([Location 2298](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=2298))
#### Making Meaning and Moving forward
**Converting a traumatic event to a moment of growth can't always be forced, and usually takes time**. If we try too hard to "see the bright side", we might be (Aka:: [[Gaslighting]]) ourselves and minimizing our experience.
At first, it is better to practice (Related:: [[Self-compassion]]) than anything else. To accept that sometimes life just suck, and not everything has clearly visible and convenient meaning. We should (Jump:: [[Validation|validate]]) our own emotions instead of trying to suppress them, and remember that like physical healing, mental healing also takes time.
The intensity of the situation and the (Jump:: [[Availability Bias]]), the fact that the trauma is the last serious thing we have experienced, causes it to feel stronger and longer than it actually was, and worst of all it causes to feel like this is the new normal, we would be depressed, fearful and stressed forever, and things will never change. **The most comforting advice is that what feels like forever now, won't feel this way in the future**. You will rise out of it, with time you could reflect back and search for meaning, and thanks to the (Jump:: [[Hedonic Treadmill]]) your feelings will balance back.
Common methods of converting trauma into growth
1. **Connection to higher power** - Feeling connected to something larger than ourselves, to shared humanity, to community, to nature, to (Aka:: [[surrender]]) our hopes of complete dominance over our lives, and understand that we are only capable of so much.
2. **Ask for help** - United we stand, alone we fall. We need to express our (Jump:: [[Vulnerability]]), to connect to others, to find those who experienced similar things and managed to climb out of the hole we are in, to make us feel heard, seen, understood
3. **Routines** - Find the small things that keep you in line, and even give you meaning and happiness. This could be work, training, reading, taking a walk, whatever it is that gives you structure. (Reminds:: [[trust the process]])
4. **Real vs fake tired** - try to notice whether the exhaustion your feel is physical or emotional. Try to do less and sleep more at the beginning, but if it doesn't go away, that means you are "stuck in a runt" and need to push yourself into doing, and further rest will only bring you down
5. **Control and compassion** - we need both (Jump:: [[Self-control|Self Dicipline]]) to push ourselves out of a crisis, but also self compassion to support ourselves through these hard times.
Suffering is never fun, but that's the price we pay for expressing our humanity, for loving, caring, daring and doing. There can be no one without the other. And the bright side is that it gets a bit easier with time, the more we learn to deal with changes.
> [!Quote]- Making Meaning and Moving Forward
> - changes that trigger arousal or intense negative emotions like depression, anxiety, loss, and grief can feel utterly pointless and like they will last forever—both while we are experiencing them and shortly after. But a few days, months, and in some cases, even years down the road, we tend to reflect on these experiences with at least some degree of meaning and growth. ([Location 2589](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=2589))
> - Whatever darkness you may be facing, perhaps the most important piece of knowledge to hold onto, even if just barely, is that what feels like forever now will not in the future. ([Location 2607](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=2607))
> - Surrender—and the humility it spawns—not only helps us to relinquish control and cease futile efforts to prematurely force growth and meaning on chaotic situations. It also sets us up to ask for and receive help. ([Location 2714](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=2714))
> - Suffering sucks. Period. But it is also part of the human experience, a nonnegotiable consequence of living and caring and loving in an impermanent world. Loss, grief, and sadness are the price we pay for love, care, meaning, and joy. ([Location 2889](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=2889))
### Conclusion
ask yourself:
1. where in your life are you pursuing fixity where it might be beneficial to open yourself to the possibility or inevitability of change?
2. in what parts of your life are you holding on to unrealistic expectations?
3. are there elements of your identity to which you cling too tightly?
4. how might you use your core values to help you navigate the challenges in your life?
5. in what circumstances do you tend to react when you would benefit from responding?
How to develop rugged flexibility
1. embrace non dual (binary) thinking - changing is neither resisting to change, nor just "going with the flow", it's intentionally adapting yourself to the situation while maintaining your core values
2. adopt a "being" orientation - define yourself not by what you have (aka circumstances), but how you respond to situations
3. frequently update your expectations to match reality - a gap between expectations and reality can cause great suffering, so try to be honest with how you view the world
4. practice tragic optimism - Remember that there's much you don't control about the world, yet you are always able to choose how to respond to situations
5. actively differentiate and integrate your sense of self - develop harmonic and communicative different aspects of your self
6. view the world with independent and interdependent lenses - my uniqueness vs my relations to others
7. respond to change with the 4ps - pause, process, plan and process
8. lean on routines to provide stability during periods of disorder - we need an anchor to stabilize ourselves when everything seems chaotic
9. use behavioral activation - get yourself out of a rote
10. Dont force meaning and growth, let them come on their own time - first step is always recovery, and it takes time, attention, care and compassion. Growth will come afterwards.
> [!Quote]- Conclusion:
> - It is unhelpful to rotely resist change, but it is also unhelpful to thoughtlessly go along with it, like automatons at the whims of forces larger than ourselves. ([Location 2924](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BQMY2PT5&location=2924))
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%%