--- # CHAPTER TWO : HAPPY SINGLEHOOD IN OLD AGE ## The Secrets of Happy Old Singles ### Taking Ownership of Singlehood in Old Age - Happy older singles are those who can come to terms with not having followed the traditional family path, finding meaning in the life they chose to live for, for widowed individuals, in the loss they had experienced. - In short, happy older singles simply stated that they never wanted to marry whatsover. They took responsibility for their lives and were satisfied with their social ties as a substitute for marriage. - Never-married individuals, involvement with friends, extended family, and community gave them the confident to feel that they did not "miss out" dispite all the prejudice against them. -- page 57 - Unhappy older always-single tended to attribute their relationship status to circumstances such as never finding the "right person", health reasons, or responsibilities that prevented them from dating.  - page 58 - It would seem, then, that sooner long-term singles can be at peace with the question "why am i single,", the sooner they can feel whole with the "lost" opportunity to make a traditional family, and can break the stigma and enjoy independence. - Some studies have found that the sense of wholeness with never being married correlates with reduced levels of loneliness. - 58 ### The silver line between "A lonely old man" and "enjoying my solitude" - Page 61 - Instead of feeling lonely and out of contact, the happy ones simply enjoy their solitude. - Happy older singles are capable of being at peace with solitary time, solitude does not mean loneliness or isolation for them but merely time spent alone. - 62 - If a married couple do not exercise their "solitude muscles", they may end up being more vulnerable to loneliness and social isolation than their single compatriots. ### "I am able to take care of myself in old age" - 64 - What distinguishes happy older singles is the ability to foresee possible emergencies and to prepare accordingly. - Some single interviewees described saving extra money, continuing to work, and even preparing their last wills to take control of such unpredictable situations. - 66 Idea -- putting an ad on local noticeboard - "student roommates wanted. Free rent and food in exchange for house chores and helping the retired landlord for a few hours every week." ### The Self behind prejudices and stereotypes against older singles - 69 - Happy older singles adjust their self-identities in order to deal with these societal pressures and prejudices - Never-married enjoy an advantage in their old age over other marital statues because they never used marriage as a form of self-validation, and because they often develop habits suitable to their social situation. - it was found that older never-married show fever signs of stress, are more likely to enjoy living alone, and report needing less social support than the newly single. - 70- positive psychology can improve happiness among older singles. Indeed, practical applications of positive psychology include practices such as positive affirmations, writing exercises,  and self-reward. ### I am surrounded with love - 72 - Keeping busy, engage socially.  "Being lonely has no age limits. Being sick has no age limits. When one lives their life in a way that is giving and supportive of others, they will receive love and support in their time of need. Conversely, if they live a more selfish, self-absorbed life, they might find themselves devoid of such support when needed. - 74 - I found that happy older singles actively prepared for singlehood in later life by investing in their wider families - in addition to investment in the extended family, community-based services are critical and effective in abating the feelings of loneliness and reducing the negative effects of the unique challenges facing older singles. ### Aging happily unmarried. - 75 - Those who remain unmarried possess a repertoire of frameworks that better prepare them for single living. - 76 - People's ability to adopt these strategies once they realise they will stay single for a long period of time was salient thoughout the interviews i conducted. # CHAPTER THREE - DEFYING SOCIAL PRESSURE ## Singles stigma and social pressure - recognise the power of unspoken stigma in society and whether i have internalised them - 82 - Singles internalize this discrimination, stigmatisation, and stereotyping spreading throughout society, practises that create negative social, educational, economic, and legal connotations for those considering going solo after divorce or the death of a spouse or simply choosing singleness in the first place.  ## Some examples of discrimination against singles - 85 - We are accustomed to viewing race, ethinicty and sexual orientation as reasons for discrimination, but being unmarried is perhaps just as common a reason for firing singles or not hiring them... even though private lives (why must answer to anyone?) - ... singles' nonprofessional lives are not as valid or important as those of married people, singles are also frequently discriminated against in everyday office life. (Married people time more important then single people time?) ## Defying social pressure and discrimination ### Increase awareness of discrimination against singles - 90 - simply noticing and identifying discrimination ... and understand effect on mental health. ### Positive Self-perception - 94 - The three components comprising positive self-perception described in this section --- self-confidence, optimism and feeling valuable -- demonstrate possible pathways for improving singles' self-perception. ### ### Avoiding negativity, choosing single-friendly environments - There are many trends in big cities that are normalizing singles living - In church, (Footnote 66) page 95 "in a church that was founded by a single guy, singles are terribly marginalised... " - 96 - Normalizing single lifestyles, these environment help reduce the singlism and matrimania that lead to reduce self-esteem in the first place. - 97 - It could be that members of the LGBTQ community, who are more used to social stigma, are actually less affected byu the pressure to marry that others face and, as a result, are more likely than hetrosexual singles to cohabit with friends.... - Singles who can find single-friendly environments are expected to gain not only the benefits of increased social captial but also the added value of being able to share with others and experience empathy. ### direct defiance of discriminatory practises - 98 "I do get the head cocked to one side and the sympathetic voice saying 'Oh, are you still single?" in return, say "Oh, still in a relationship? can't hack it on your own? It complete invalidates my life as a single person." ### empowerment - 99 - empower oneself by adopting a positive view about one's singleness rather than feeling neglected or unattractive. .. different from developing a positive self-perception, because of instead of focusing on the individual, in involves perception of one's situation as a single person. - Two group - Single by choice - who are happy with their relationship status and are not currently looking for a partner - Singles by circumstance - include those who desire marriage and are currently looking to be married - 100 - Empowering singles who are happy with their permanent or temporary singles is especially important, because they often face the most severe social problem. - Those who are single by choice are perceived as more miserable and lonely than those who are single by circumstances, and the latter are viewed as more mature and sociable. One explanation for these findings is that those who are single by choice may be seen as defying the social norms of matrimania and, thus, elicit others' anger, while singles by circumstance elicit empathy. - Need to have workshop to train singles to be at peace with their marital status, just like marriage workshop, or relationship workshop.. need workshop to cater to single lifestyle on how to take care of self and live happily. # CHAPTER FOUR: Sleeping Alone, Bowling Together. ## Being Alone - 107 "Often it is not the fantasy of being together that draws people into marriage but rather the fear of vulnerability - marriage as insurance for times of physical deterioration ## Is Marriage the Solution? No. ## The Networked Individual - 109 "Networked Individualism" # CHAPTER on WORK hard play hard. - Singles don't have to juggle work and personal/family life - but risk of burn out and marry to work - also need to take care of personal life. - Side interests.