Links [[Book - The Velvet Rage]] [[Books Index]] # Book Notes from The Velvet Rage ----- ## STAGE 3 : Cultivating Authenticity ---- #### CHAPTER 11: Mighty Real. Deconstructing Fabulous Moving from the place of shame, and process-addiction, there is now a new sense of freedom. [[shame]] [[Shame and Guilt MOC]] What is of value now have to be redefined, that can bring about confusion. Stage 3 gay men are akin to the archetype of the wanderer - - Like Moses, leaving Egypt, now in the desert looking for something else, not sure what he will find. - This is a period of ongoing ambiguity. Nothing is very clear or certain. Except that the old ways are no longer of interest to him. - The danger is in foreclosing ambiguity, and create artificial clarity, or too quickly defines an endpoint to his journey. **How does foreclosure look like?** - A sudden shift. A U-turn, that change track. As if he found a "silver bullet" to slay his demons. - Overly spiritual ? - Adopting a overly spiritual outlook. But after a while, not finding the answer there. - Eat-pray-love kind of experience - leave everything, travel and "find themselves". - Abruptly changing careers or lovers. - A "make over". It is important to be able to "hold" and tolerate this sense of ambiguity. **How does resolution look like?** - Slower and measured. Gradual and organic change. - "The underlying psychological conflict that is resolved in stage three is the complete acceptance of the self and elimination of toxic shame." - It is a manifestation of a gay man who no longer hold the core belief that he is flawed and unacceptable, and consequently spending most of his energy managing, silencing, and avoiding shame. - An integration, and acceptance that one has both "good" and "evil" elements, parts of self. - No longer seek to push away, hide his shortcomings. The end of stage is a sense of "contentment" and acceptance, no longer needing to be "fabulous" or "awesome", but being yourself. Being authentic yourself. #### CHAPTER 12: HEALING RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA **Root of our trauma** 1. Being a man in a hypermasculine culture 2. Being a gay man in a decidedly straight world. We must relearn everything we know about relationships in order to make them work. **What it means to be a man** - Where does these masculine stereotypes comes from? We first learned from our fathers. - "Resentment and admiration are always two sides of the same coin". - Our fathers gave less of what we craved for, our mothers often nurturing. She sensed our differences and tried to make up for our pain by giving us extra attention and care. - We got more time learning from woman, but there is a huge hole in our experience with men. Where were we going to learn how to relate to a man in a tender, loving and honest way? Where was our role model for maintaining a lasting relationship between men? - In our culture, women expected to be the "nurturing" one. We were deprived of a model of relationship between men. And also not given a "social assignment", a role like women. - When two struggling and wounded gay men in a relationship, there is no support that all new straight relationships almost often receive. **Marrying our fathers** - We are attracted, unconsciously, to key characteristics that recalled the feelings of safety and adoration, like our fathers (the first man we knew). - But if our fathers are "emotionally withdrawn, judgmental, and abusive", then we are perpetuating this cycle of failed relationships. **Innocence Lost** - "There is an extremely important lesson to learn here. Two deeply emotionally wounded people cannot form a healthy relationship. They may struggle, compromise, and even stay together, but until they each heal their own wounds, the relationship will always be a struggle. **What is the effect of relationship trauma?** - Emotional memories rarely fade - Affect the way we process similar stimuli after the trauma. (Like PTSD?) **What is trauma?** - It share a common symptoms like the more severe form of PTSD. - In a relationship, if too experienced trauma, sufferer may spend more energy "looking out" for signs, being vigilant then truly enjoying the relationship. - Which may bring about a "self-fulling prophecy" **Four primary types of relationship trauma experienced by gay men: ** 1. **Betrayal** 1. It calls into questions one's ability to perceive reality correctly and to judge the character of another person. If I couldn't "see" it, then I cannot trust all men. 2. Betrayer may start small, then the deceit into a life of it's own. 3. "One gay therapist I know says, "second only to HIV, betrayal is the most devasting gay epidemic." 4. Result in "Relationship hopelessness" 5. Working to heal from betrayal is both simple and complex. 1. Acceptance. 1. All men, and gay men in particular, have shortcomings. 2. Betrayal is a product of the betrayer's woundedness and not the fault of the betrayed. 3. Betrayal has a predictable and knowable cause: emotional woundedness (Heal their own wound). 4. It frees the sufferer self-doubt and invalidation when we recognized that it is the betrayer's wound that cause betrayal. It is something done TO US, not caused by us. 5. Acceptance is two-sided : If the other person is less wounded, then less chance of betraying. If wound can be healed, then betrayal can be prevented. 2. Truth is, we are also wounded, and can cause betrayal too. We can too cause pain to others. 3. How is this link to stage three men:? If we can accept and come to resolution of shame, and shame avoidance, then we no longer need to seek out other men to validate us (materially, sexually…) 4. While the "sexual interests remain, he may get excited at the prospect of new sexual partners, but he is not blinded by a craving for sexual validation as he may have been previously." 2. **Abuse** 1. Sexual abuse in gay men are under reported, 1. Many felt that they should blame themselves, and "asked for it". 2. Regardless of how it is rationalized, all these are sexual abuses, while not all creates trauma, maybe do. 3. “One symptom that is sometimes seen among survivors of childhood sexual abuse is the tendency in later life to use sex as a way to of attracting other people or getting what you want… Sex is learned as a way of controlling other people or as a way of attracting people who care for you." 4. "The introduction of sexual activity too early in a child's or adolescent's life interferes with his ability to develop adequate and appropriate coping mechanisms. What may have seemed like a harmless and even highly erotic act is often devastating psychologically." 5. "The gay male perpetrator of sexual abuse is almost always seeking control or reenacting childhood sexual experiences." 3. **Abandonment** 1. Abandonment is deeply wounding because it allows no room for closure and leaves myriad unanswered questions. 2. Gay man who suddenly abandons his partners, or cannot deal with anger -- root of it could be shame. 3. The person who "escapes" because he cannot face the shame. 4. Abandonment can be emotional. In a relationship, a partner create a private life, and present a skewed version of himself to his partner. 1. And complain that his partner do not understand him. 2. Emotional withdrawal can be triggered by perceived invalidation within a relationship. 3. When the person feel invalidated, he withdraws! 5. Two-edged sword - both abandon and the one who abandons both feel lonely, isolated and rejected. 6. First emotional, then sexual and physical abandonment. 4. **The ambivalent relationship** 1. Just like in a adult-child relationship, in a intimate relationship, they look to each other to validate emotions. But in an ambivalent attachment/relationships, it is confusing, and put the partner off-balance, because he is never quite certain why some emotions are validated only at certain times. Very disarming, and make him question his ability to understand and navigate relationships. ' 2. Gas-lighting can happen, and the partner may start to think that he is "too sensitive" and broken. 3. Could result in learnt helplessness (relational helplessness) thinking that all other relationships are the same. [[202011040909 Childhood attachment can influence adult relationships]] #### Chapter 13: The Road to Contentment Author said that what makes a gay man content are similar to anyone else, but the difference is, he have to get to "stage three", without the distracting influence of shame and guilt. (I wonder if heterosexual people have shame and guilt issues as well?) ==**Passion**== What is passion? Passion is the repeated experience of joy in doing something. When one discovers passion, it is usually because an activity seems to produce joy each time. (What are the things I enjoy doing all the time?) **The emotion of joy** - Other emotions tend to last longer. You feel --> think --> affect feelings - Joy is quick and fleeting. Usually fly past us. - First, learn to notice that emotion of joy. What triggers it. - What was the source of depression is not the lack of joy, but the lack of noticing joy! Joy Tracking **What skills are required to create and prolong joy?** 1. Making yourself vulnerable to joy 1. Put yourself in a place that is most likely to experience joy. 2. Rest, Appropriate nutrition, safe environment. 3. t can also mean, naps, music 2. Notice when you feel joy 3. Repeat the behaviors that create joy. **Confuse joy with satisfaction of validation.** - Is it external or internal validation? Am I seeking validation from others? - Validation come from being acknowledge by others of good job. Joy come when you are creating the work. - "Pursuit of joy is the primary objective, and validation comes only as a secondary benefit." ==**Love**== Love is about noticing joy in the presence of another person. During stage one and two, what you think is love is often more an appreciation for another person who assists somehow in your quest to avoid shame. You only like that person because he validated you. "When the gay man begins to truly experience love, it is because he is mindful of the subtleties in his partner that bring him joy. A look, a smile, a laugh, a walk, a touch. These consistently bring him joy and pleasure." Does this person bring me joy? ==**Integrity**== Integrity meaning integrate all parts of oneself, or more formally, the state of being undivided. It means, the absence of hiding parts of yourself, no longer splitting, and allowing all parts of yourself to be known. Mindful integrity requires monitoring all the ways which we may be hiding ourselves, no matter how insignificant, taking steps to correct them. Being clear and straightforward about who we are, what we want from others, and our intentions is the cornerstone of integrity. #### Chapter 14. Skills For Living An Authentic Life. - Insights into the "why" of problem does not necessary solve the problem, it takes skills to change behaviors and old patterns. - "mounting evidence that while attaining insight into one's childhood can be immensely satisfying and comforting, it is not sufficient to bring about a change in behavior.... Insight into his past experiences may explain why he has come to use alcohol as his primary coping mechanism, but it does not offer him a way to change.... AA offered skills... simple behaviors that could be practiced repeatedly until they became part of one's natural behavioral repertoire." - Meaningful life change comes from mindful practice. Just like learning to play an instrument, picking up a language, or a new sport, need constant practice of a skill. Not just insight. - Idea: Velvet Rage group, group of men come together to hold one another accountable for living "skillfully". Focus on what was done. ##### Life Choices Skills - Big changes, big moves create upheaval and distractions. Gradual is the way. Don't hold on to fantasy that a big change will be solve your problem. **The Man I would become** - When faced with an important decision, ask yourself: "What would the man I wish to become do in this situation?" **Inner peace above all else** - When trying to decide between two or more options in life, honestly assess which option is most likely to contribute to your inner peace. Choose the option that holds the greatest promise of bringing you peace in the long term. - Does this ___ contribute to my own sense of peace and contentment? **Never react while feeling an intense emotion** - When feeling an intense emotion. Always delay taking action until after the emotion has subsided. Rarely do we make the best choices when under the influence of intense emotion, and worse, it is at these moments that we are often convinced that we are absolutely right and must take action immediately. **Contentment over approval** - Choose those investments in life that contributes to your sense of feeling contentment, rather than those investments of your time and energy that promise to earn you the acceptance or approval of others. - Intrinsic value over extrinsic value. - Contentment is created when your behavior is consistent with your values. - Be align with your core values rather than trying to win approval from others. ##### Increasing Positive Emotions Skills **Accept reality on reality's terms - When life doesn't turn out the way you want, stop insisting that it not be so. - There really are no "should's" in the world, only what is. The "should's" are fantasies, large and small, and are not reality - they do not exist. - Of course we should try to improve status quo, but this skill requires us to first accept everything about reality before we even consider making a change. - Persistent and troubling feelings of unfairness are often based on one's unwillingness to accept some aspect of reality. - Acceptance is not approval. **One thing, one person, one conversation in the moment** - Make it your goal to do only one thing in each moment. - This skill not only helps to manage your own emotions but also is very powerful in building relationships with others. - When you aren't fully present, you can't feel joy. **Take a nonjudgmental stance whenever possible** - Actively resist temptation to place everything in your life on a "good-bad continuum". Instead of evaluating your experience according to your expectations, focus your efforts on being present for what is, rather thn what you wish would be. - This is a mirror of how I am relating to myself. - Taking a nonjudgmental stance means that you have first dealt with your own shame and have not intentionally modified the long-standing habit of pointing out the perceived flaws in others. - The more critical you are of others, the more difficult it is for you to reveal your true self to the world around you. Because if i do not allow others to be less than perfect, how can i be less than perfect? **Obsessing about pain creates more pain** - When feeling distressing emotions, make a conscious effort to let the pain subside. - Deliberately and intentionally take action that distracts yourself. - "Expressive" therapies by talking about it may strengthen those feelings. The more you act on an emotion, the more of that emotion you are likely to feel in the future. - When experiencing a distressing emotion, do something that elicits an equally strong, opposite emotion. - Emphasis is on the DOING. **Walk your way out of distress** - When feeling uncomfortable emotions like sadness, fear, or anger, deliberately engage in a behavior that changes the channel by engaging in behavior. Go for a walk. **Respect your body** - Honor your body as you would a precious possession. - Most gay men that i work with see their bodies through the lens of future attainments. I can only accept myself because in a few months time, it will look better. - It is about loving who you are and how you look right now, no matter what changes you might make in the future. - ==Training is a worthwhile hobby, not going to make you more desirable or lovable. == - Gay men with amazing bodies don't have more successful relationships than other gay men. - It is critical to come to terms with your body. The apparent motive for body building is to achieve a beautiful physique, however, the underlying motive is to relieve shame. Making oneself more acceptable and less flawed, in short, less shameful. **No feeling lasts forever.** - All feelings come and go, wax and wane, over time. Nothing last forever. ##### Relationships Skills **Don't let your sexual tastes be the filter by which you allow people into your life** ^911b3d - Actively fight the urge to reach out only to people you find physically attractive. A man's physical appearance has virtually nothing to do with who he is on the inside, his values, and what kind of friend he is likely to be. - When you use sexual appetite as your social filter, you miss a great many of wonderful people who will cross your path. - Many of the better friends in your life will be those people with whom there isn't even a trace of sexual attraction. - Remember, you are looking for people with whom you find a satisfying emotional connection. These are the people who will fill your life with joy and abundant possibilities. [[202011060909 Friendship]] **Be right, or be happy** - Asserting your own ideas is important, but when you do so at the expense of relationships, you hurt yourself and diminish your experience. - How important is it that I be right - and at what cost? - When you show only perfection, you create anxiety in others and play upon their own insecurities. - ==The dark side of a person often wants to destroy the perfection that makes him or her look bad by comparison.== - To ward off and compensate for shame, he puts forth a flawless image. But that put distances between others and him. **Always look first for the innocence in others** -See past the betrayal, anger, and dishonesty in others to find their core innocence. -"He is doing the best he can do", it lessens anger and makes the mistakes of others more tolerable. **In conflict, assess your responsibilities first.** - Whenever you encounter a problem in a relationship, consider and verbalize your responsibility first before focusing on the perceived error of the other. - Relationship interactions are circular, i always have a part to play - ==You don't own anything that isn't yours.== simply take responsibilities for what may have been your contribution to the problem. **Keep your inner circle sacred and safe** - allow only those people who are trustworthy into your inner circle of intimacy. - Relationships got contagion effect. - Deliberately seek out those friends who inspire to be better men and who are openly willing to own their own failures as well as successes. - Knowing who to let in and who to gently keep at a distance is an immensely important and necessary skill for positive growth. **Validate what is valid (and never the invalid)** - Seek to validate what you perceive is valid in another person. - Based on facts. **Own your side of the street** - You are responsible for your feelings and only your feelings. - Take responsibility for your feelings without pushing them off onto others. **Speak to the offender first (instead of everyone else)** - When experiencing conflict in a relationship, express your feelings to the person with whom you have the conflict rather than talking about the conflict with other people. - Don't seek validation from others to bolster your own position **Live in integrity** - Always strive to be as honest as possible. - Secrets create emotional distance. [[202103082054 Keeping secrets causes sickness]] - The fact that you know something creates effect on you and behavior. - It erodes trust in yourself and in your relationship; if i can keep a secret, he can also keep secrets from me. - Honesty is not expressing impulsive feelings in the moment, because feelings can change. It is about observable facts and enduring feelings that are consistent over time. - Honesty help the recipient to stay more connected with reality, with FACTS. **Default to forgiveness rather than resentment** - Always seek to allow others the space to be imperfect, and don't keep count of pass disappointments. **Embrace ambivalence** - We rarely, if ever, feel just one way about anything in life. - We are ambivalent creatures - We are open discouraged to have ambivalence feelings, and we hide them. These may grow and create distance. - Embrace ambivalence, especially in relationships. [[20201104 Daily Velvet Rage Practice Chart]]