# [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover]] #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 31](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=30) The book suggests that boys and men try to change themselves because they feel it's not safe or acceptable to be who they are. This behavior, known as the Nice Guy Syndrome, is a coping mechanism. Boys and men might think that being themselves is bad or dangerous. The book argues that during their early years, Nice Guys got messages from their families and society that it wasn't okay to be themselves. They were taught to believe they had to be "good" to be loved. This process starts very early in life, from birth to about five years old. During these years, a child's personality is greatly influenced by their environment, especially their parents and extended family. This is when a child starts forming their basic beliefs about themselves and the world. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 32](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=31) We need to start by understanding how the Nice Guy Syndrome begins. There are two key things to know about children. First, children are born completely helpless and depend on others to take care of their needs. Because of this, their biggest fear is being abandoned, which to them feels like it could mean death. Second, children are ego-centered, thinking they are the center of the universe and the cause of everything that happens to them. This combination of fear of abandonment and thinking they cause everything leads to a strong effect on children. When a child feels abandoned, he always thinks it's his fault. This feeling of abandonment can come from many situations like being hungry and not fed, crying and not being held, being ignored, or facing anger, neglect, unrealistic expectations, or abuse from parents. Every child lives in an imperfect world and family, so they all experience some form of abandonment. Even though it's not true that they are the cause of these painful events, children don't know any other way to understand their world. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 33](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=32) Toxic shame happens when young children, due to experiences of abandonment, believe it's not okay to be who they are. They think something is wrong with them, which is why important people in their lives leave or don't meet their needs. This results in toxic shame, which is more than feeling bad for doing wrong things. It's a deep belief that one is inherently bad, defective, or unlovable. Children develop survival mechanisms to deal with this. These mechanisms help them: 1. Cope with the emotional and physical pain of being abandoned. 2. Try to stop similar things from happening again. 3. Hide their internalized toxic shame from themselves and others. Children use various creative ways to achieve these goals. Since they have limited understanding and resources, these survival mechanisms can often be ineffective or seem illogical. For example, a lonely child might misbehave to get attention. Even if the attention is negative, it might feel better than being lonely or ignored. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 34](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=33) Trying to be "good" and what others want him to be is one way a boy might respond to childhood abandonment experiences and internalized toxic shame. This is part of the Nice Guy Paradigm. When I first looked into my own Nice Guy tendencies, I didn't see how everything connected. I thought I had a good family and life. I noticed other men with similar traits also didn't understand where their emotional and behavioral patterns came from. These men often say they had "perfect" or "great" childhoods. Yet, they learned to hide their flaws and try to be what others wanted. This suggests their early life wasn't ideal. Alan, Jason, and Jose are all Nice Guys with different childhoods and adult behaviors. But they all believed they weren't okay as they were. They felt shame and tried to win approval and hide flaws. They thought this was necessary to be loved, meet their needs, and avoid problems. Alan, the oldest of three in a single-parent family, never thought he caused his mother trouble. He did well in sports and school, believing this made him stand out and made his mother proud. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 35](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=34) Alan was the first in his family to graduate from college, which made him feel special. His father, who was abusive and an alcoholic, left the family when Alan was seven. Alan decided to be completely different from his father. He became patient, giving, and calm, always trying not to be angry or demeaning. Alan was a leader in his church's youth group and avoided alcohol and drugs as a teenager. Alan's mother, a strict Christian, raised him in a church that preached about hell and punishment. Alan grew up fearing eternal punishment for normal thoughts and actions. He tried hard to be a good Christian but was always scared of making mistakes. Alan saw his mother as a saint who did everything for her children and never criticized them. They often talked about the wrong things his father did. His mother wanted her sons to be the opposite of their father: giving, peaceful, and respectful towards women. As an adult, Alan remained close to his mother and always tried to help her. Jason thought he had an ideal childhood in a "Leave It To Beaver" family. But in reality, his parents focused on their children to meet their own needs. Jason saw his parents as perfect but strict and overprotective. He realized he was sheltered and naive about sex and possibly smothered by his parents. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 36](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=35) Jason's father was very controlling and still tried to control Jason's life. Jason, who shared a chiropractic practice with his father, was told what house to buy, what car to drive, and what church to attend. Jason saw his mother as loving, always involved with the kids. She didn't have friends of her own and relied on her children for company and to feel valued. Jason couldn't remember his parents being affectionate or taking time for themselves. As an adult, Jason worked hard to maintain a perfect image. He wanted to be seen as a good husband, father, Christian, and professional. However, he always felt he wasn't as good as his parents. Jose, a successful business consultant, was scared of close relationships. He was well-educated, had a high-stress job, and was physically active. He held back his anger and avoided upsetting others. He saw himself as controlling and sought recognition. Jose was drawn to dependent women, often incest survivors. He stayed in his current relationship because he worried about his girlfriend's financial well-being without him. Jose knew he came from a dysfunctional family. He was the second of seven children in a lower-class family. At about 14, he started taking care of his younger siblings. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 38](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=37) To understand the backgrounds of Alan, Jason, Jose, and other Nice Guys, let's review some child development principles: 1. All children are born helpless. 2. Their biggest fear is abandonment. 3. Children are ego-centered. 4. They all experience abandonment — their needs aren't always met properly. 5. When abandoned, a child believes it's their fault. 6. This misunderstanding leads to toxic shame, making them feel they are bad. 7. Children develop survival strategies to deal with abandonment, prevent it from happening again, and hide their perceived badness. 8. These childhood survival mechanisms show the child's powerlessness and naive understanding of themselves and the world. The transition from a perfect little boy to a Nice Guy generally happens in three stages: experiencing abandonment, internalizing toxic shame, and creating survival mechanisms. In the case of abandonment, Alan, Jason, and Jose all experienced it in different ways. Alan and Jose had angry or critical parents who made them feel not okay as they were. Alan idolized his mother, but she didn't protect him from his father's outbursts, leading him to think he wasn't worth protecting. He believed he had to be different from his father to be seen as good and loved by his mother. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 39](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=38) Alan and Jason were valued by their parents only when they did everything "right" and caused no trouble. This made them feel they were only lovable when meeting their parents' expectations. Jason, seeing his parents as perfect, always felt flawed and inadequate. Jose's parents didn't provide guidance, nurturing, or support, making him feel worthless. Both Alan and Jason's experiences in fundamentalist churches reinforced the idea that they needed to be perfect, as any failure would lead to eternal punishment. Jose believed he was only valuable if he was different from his dysfunctional family. All three - Alan, Jason, and Jose - grew up believing that others' needs were more important than their own. This is a common trait in families of "Nice Guys." These experiences represented a form of abandonment because they communicated to these boys that they were not okay just as they were. Regardless of the specific form of mistreatment - whether it was abuse, neglect, shaming, using, smothering, controlling, or objectifying - all "Nice Guys" end up believing it is bad or dangerous to be themselves. These messages could come directly from parents who were indifferent to their child's well-being or indirectly from overwhelmed or distracted parents who couldn't provide a nurturing environment. Sometimes, these messages were the result of uncontrollable circumstances. In all cases, the child interpreted these events as reflections of their own worth, believing there was something inherently wrong with them that caused these situations. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 40](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=39) Using child-like logic, a young boy might conclude, "There must be something wrong with me because..." and fill in the blank with reasons like: - When I cry, no one comes. - Mom looks upset. - Dad left and didn't come back. - Mom has to do everything for me. - Dad yells at me. - I'm not perfect like Mom and Dad. - I can't make Mom happy. These experiences lead the boy to believe, "I'm only good enough and lovable when..." and again, fill in the blank with things like: - I'm different from Dad. - Mom needs me. - I don't make mistakes. - I get good grades. - I'm happy. - I'm not like my brother. - I don't cause problems. - I make Mom and Dad happy. As a result of these abandonment experiences and their misinterpretation, Nice Guys develop survival mechanisms to: 1. Cope with the pain and fear caused by their abandonment experiences. 2. Try to prevent these experiences from happening again. 3. Hide their toxic shame from themselves and others. ==For Nice Guys, these survival mechanisms lead to a life paradigm where they believe that if they can hide their flaws and become what they think others want them to be, then they will be loved and accepted.== *** #### survival mechanisms Survival MechanismsAs a result of their childhood abandonment experiences and the inaccurate interpretation of these events, all Nice Guys developed survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things:1) Try to cope with the pain and terror caused by their abandonment experiences.2) Try to prevent these abandonment experiences from occurring again.3) Try to hide their toxic shame from themselves and others.For Nice Guys, these survival mechanisms took the form of the following life paradigm:• IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be• THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.It is this paradigm, formed in childhood, that guides and controls everything Nice Guys do in their adult lives. Even though it is based on faulty interpretations of childhood events, it is the only road map these men have. Nice Guys believe this map is accurate, and if they follow it correctly, they should arrive at their desired location — a smooth, happy life. Even though this life script is often highly ineffective, Nice Guys frequently just keep trying harder, doing more of the same, hoping for different results. [Page 40](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=39&start=612&length=583&search=Survival%20Mechanisms%0AAs%20a%20result%20of%20their%20childhood%20abandonment%20experiences%20and%20the%20inaccurate%20interpretation%20of%20these%20events,%20all%20Nice%20Guys%20developed%20survival%20mechanisms%20to%20help%20them%20do%20three%20very%20important%20things%3A%0A1)%20Try%20to%20cope%20with%20the%20pain%20and%20terror%20c) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [survival mechanisms](brain://api.thebrain.com/kjgVn6NjrE-c5TQM5I3ryw/cCshUvQRZEuDmv8L0EPFJQ/SurvivalMechanisms) | | 📚 | [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#survival mechanisms]] | | 🌲 | [[🌲Embrace risk and break norms to cultivate a bold, rule-breaking character#survival mechanisms]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#survival mechanisms]] | *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 41](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=40) Nice Guys believe they will be loved and have their needs met if they behave a certain way. This belief is based on how they interpreted events in childhood. They think if they follow this "road map" correctly, they'll have a smooth, happy life. Even when this approach doesn't work, Nice Guys often try harder, doing the same things, hoping for different results. There are two types of Nice Guys, based on how they deal with their feelings of abandonment and toxic shame: 1. The "I'm so bad" Nice Guy: This type exaggerates how bad he thinks he is. He's convinced everyone can see his flaws and can list examples of his bad behavior from childhood to adulthood. He tries to hide his perceived badness, but he doesn't believe anyone will really be fooled by his Nice Guy act. 2. The "I'm so good" Nice Guy: This type represses his feelings of worthlessness. He sees himself as one of the nicest guys and believes any flaws he might have are minor and fixable. He always tries to do everything right and follows all the rules. He hides his core belief about his badness deep inside. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 42](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=41) A Nice Guy often puts his feelings of "not being okay" into a hidden part of his unconscious mind. He covers up his deep shame by believing that the good things he does make him a good person. Both types of Nice Guys, regardless of how aware they are of their shame, follow the same life paradigm. They believe they're not okay as they are and must hide their flaws to be what they think others want them to be. To help both types see their distortions, it's important to understand they're neither as bad nor as good as they think. They're just people hurt by their childhood experiences and beliefs formed from incorrect interpretations of those experiences. To start changing this script, it's not necessary to find every experience that made them feel bad or unsafe. However, some understanding of where these feelings originated can be helpful. Reflect on the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose and compare them to your own childhood. Write down or illustrate messages from your family that made you feel it wasn't okay to be yourself. Share these with someone you trust and pay attention to your feelings during this process. The aim here is to identify and understand these experiences, not to blame. Blaming keeps you stuck, while naming and understanding these childhood experiences can help you replace them with more accurate beliefs and change your Nice Guy script. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 43](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=42) Every child experiences some form of abandonment, leading to various interpretations and responses. Becoming a Nice Guy is just one possible reaction to these experiences. While Nice Guys have always existed, recent social dynamics have led to a significant increase in their numbers. Several social changes since the early 20th century and after World War II have contributed to this increase: 1. The shift from an agricultural to an industrial economy. 2. Families moving from rural to urban areas. 3. Fathers being absent from homes more frequently. 4. A rise in divorce, single-parent homes, and homes led by women. 5. An education system largely staffed by women. 6. The emergence of women's liberation and feminism. 7. The impact of the Vietnam War. 8. The sexual revolution. These changes have deeply influenced American boys growing up in this period, significantly contributing to the widespread phenomenon of the Nice Guy Syndrome in the baby boom generation. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 44](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=43) In the last half of the 20th century, several social changes led to the rise of the Nice Guy syndrome in our culture: 1. **Separation from Male Role Models:** Boys were often separated from their fathers and other significant male figures. This separation made men feel disconnected from other men and unsure about what it means to be male. 2. **Raised Predominantly by Women:** With the absence of fathers, the responsibility of raising boys fell largely on mothers and a school system dominated by women. This led to men becoming more comfortable being defined by women and dependent on women's approval. 3. **Impact of Radical Feminism:** The radical feminist movement suggested that men were bad or unnecessary. This influenced many men to believe they needed to become what women wanted in order to be loved and have their needs met. This often involved hiding traits that might label them as "bad" men. **20th Century History and the Loss of Fathers:** - In the early 20th century, a third of all American families lived on farms. By 1940, this dropped to one in five, and by 1970, 96 percent of families lived in urban areas. - In agrarian societies, boys learned about being male by working with their fathers and other male family members in the fields. - After World War II, as families moved to urban areas, the connection between fathers and sons weakened. In cities and suburbs, fathers were often away from home for work, reducing the time spent with their sons and the opportunity to model male behavior. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 45](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=44) During the mid-20th century, fathers often left home for work and weren't around much for their sons. Various factors contributed to this distance: 1. Fathers' work commitments: Many fathers worked long hours and were physically absent from home. 2. Other distractions: Addictions to work, TV, alcohol, and sex also kept fathers away from their sons. 3. Divorce rates: Divorce among men tripled from 1940 to 1970, leading to more households headed by women and less father involvement. Many Nice Guys report not having a close relationship with their fathers during childhood. Their fathers were often described as controlling, angry, absent, abusive, addicted, or unfaithful. Many Nice Guys decided to be different from their fathers. Mothers often had to take on the role of raising boys alone. However, even well-meaning mothers can't fully teach their sons how to be men. As a result, many Nice Guys from the 1940s to 1960s were raised with a female perspective of masculinity, often having their manhood defined by women. The educational system also played a role. Since World War II, boys have mostly been taught by women in schools. The early years in school taught boys how to please women, reinforcing the female perspective on how boys should behave. This environment contributed to the development of Nice Guys who were more attuned to female expectations and approval. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 46](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=45) In the post-war era, boys were often surrounded by women in their educational settings. From kindergarten through sixth grade, many boys had predominantly female teachers, which aligns with national norms. Men make up about one in four teachers nationwide, and in primary grades, this number is even lower at only 15%, a figure that continues to decrease. With little interaction with adult males in daycare, preschool, and elementary school, boys who were already distanced from their fathers and conditioned to please women found this environment reinforcing their training. During the '60s, the Vietnam War deepened the divide between many baby boom boys and their fathers. The war led to conflicts between young men who protested and their World War II veteran fathers who couldn't understand their sons' refusal to accept what they saw as their responsibilities. This generation of young men often became the opposite of their fathers and rejected an establishment that solved problems with military force. The anti-war movement cultivated a new kind of male focused on love, peace, and conflict avoidance. Simultaneously, the Women's Liberation movement was emerging. Women started working outside the home more frequently, birth control offered new freedoms, and there was a growing movement advocating for women's rights. During this time, some mothers anticipated changes in gender roles. They raised their daughters to be independent of men and their sons to be different from their fathers - to be peaceful, generous, nurturing, and attentive to women's needs. This shift in upbringing contributed to the development of a generation with altered perceptions of traditional male roles. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 47](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=46) During the 1960s and 70s, radical feminism made strong generalizations about men, influencing societal views. Some feminists labeled men as the root of all problems or as unnecessary. While not all women shared these extreme views, the vocal minority created a social climate that made many men feel unacceptable as they were. Phrases like "men are pigs" and "all men are rapists" were common. Even milder feminist slogans implied men were unnecessary, like "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Men who were already conditioned to seek women's approval were particularly influenced by these messages. They felt pressured to change to be loved and have their needs met. Robert Bly, author of "Iron John," discusses how these social changes produced "soft males." These men are gentle, non-violent, and environmentally conscious, but often lack vitality. Bly notes these men are often paired with energetic, strong women. Camille Paglia offers another perspective. She observes that the last five decades have altered the roles of men and women. Hard-driving women may need to adjust their behavior at home to avoid overpowering their partners. Paglia notes that many middle-class women choose "nice, malleable" boy-men who won't challenge their authority. This dynamic further influences the roles and perceptions of men and women in society. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 48](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=47) Regardless of what we call them - "soft males," "sensitive new age guys," or "Nice Guys" - the combination of social changes after World War II reinforced the message many boys already received from their families: they weren't okay as they were. These social events further convinced them that to be loved, have their needs met, and have a smooth life, they needed to hide their flaws and be what others, especially women, wanted. This conditioning didn't stop with the Baby-Boom generation. More and more young men in their twenties and even teens show Nice Guy Syndrome characteristics. These younger generations have been influenced by the same social dynamics and, in many cases, grew up in single-parent families or were raised by Nice Guy fathers. It seems we are entering a third generation of Nice Guys. As a result of their family and social conditioning, Nice Guys struggle to get what they want in love and life. Their shame and ineffective coping mechanisms mean their strategies don't lead them to their desired outcomes. This is frustrating, but they often respond by trying even harder with the same approaches. I often tell Nice Guys, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always had." In summary, Nice Guys hinder their own success in love and life by seeking others' approval, trying to hide their flaws and mistakes, and prioritizing other people's needs over their own. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 49](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=48) Nice Guys often end up: - Giving up their personal power and acting like victims. - Separating themselves from other men and their masculine traits. - Creating unsatisfying relationships. - Experiencing a lack of fulfilling sexual experiences. - Not reaching their full potential. The following seven chapters offer a plan to help recovering Nice Guys change these patterns. These chapters will guide them on how to start achieving what they want in love and life. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 96](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=95) Talking about how we feel can be very powerful. When we had a problem with our car, sharing our feelings about it made us closer. It showed us how expressing emotions can heal. In "Breaking Free Activity #20", here are some tips for expressing feelings: 1. Talk about your own feelings, not the other person. Say "I am feeling angry" instead of "You are making me mad." 2. Use words that describe your actual feelings, not your thoughts. Instead of saying "I feel like Joe was trying to take advantage of me," say what you feel in your body, like "I'm feeling helpless and frightened." 3. Start sentences with "I" when talking about feelings. Avoid saying "I feel like," as in "I feel like you are being mean to me." Facing fears is important for people who are too nice. ==Fear is normal, but people who seem fearless also feel it.== ([[🗿Models - Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson#[Models - Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson Page 193](x-devonthink-item //EC6BE60F-8775-4C83-8E5A-D835EBA9766B?page=192)]])Healthy fear warns us of danger. But the fear that nice people feel is different. It comes from past scary experiences and is deep in their memory. ==This fear started when they were very young and helpless, and it grew in environments that didn't like risks and liked playing it safe. Life is messy and change is scary, so this fear is strong. I call this "Memory Fear."== Because of this fear from childhood, nice people see the world as dangerous. To deal with this, they often avoid risks and play it safe. *** #### memory fear Fear is a normal part of human experience. Everyone experiences fear, even those people who seem to be fearless. Healthy fear is a warning sign that danger may be approaching. This is different from the fear Nice Guys experience on a daily basis.For Nice Guys, fear is recorded at the cellular level. It is a memory of every seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of absolute dependency and helplessness. It originated in not having their needs met in a timely, judicious manner. It was fostered by fearful systems that discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism. It was heightened by the reality that life is messy and chaotic and any kind of change promises a journey into the unknown. I call this kind of fear, Memory Fear.Because of the memory fear created in childhood, Nice Guys still approach the world as if it is dangerous and overpowering. To cope with these realities, Nice Guys typically hunker down and play it safe. As a consequence of playing it safe, Nice Guys experience a lot of needless suffering.Suffering because they avoid new situations.Suffering because they stay with the familiar.Suffering because they procrastinate, avoid, and fail to finishwhat they start. Suffering because they make a bad situation worse by doing more of what has never worked in the past.Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the uncontrollable. [Page 96](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=95&start=837&length=970&search=Fear%20is%20a%20normal%20part%20of%20human%20experience.%20Everyone%20experiences%20fear,%20even%20those%20people%20who%20seem%20to%20be%20fearless.%20Healthy%20fear%20is%20a%20warning%20sign%20that%20danger%20may%20be%20approaching.%20This%20is%20different%20from%20the%20fear%20Nice%20Guys%20experience%20on%20a%20daily%20basis.%0AFor%20Nice%20) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [memory fear](brain://api.thebrain.com/kjgVn6NjrE-c5TQM5I3ryw/6ZVHaeQdIE6nzOH-ItFYBg/MemoryFear) | | 📚 | [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#memory fear]] | | 🌲 | [[🌲Embrace risk and break norms to cultivate a bold, rule-breaking character#memory fear]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#memory fear]] | *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 97](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=96) Nice Guys often suffer unnecessarily because they always play it safe. They suffer by avoiding new experiences and sticking to what they know. They suffer by putting things off, avoiding tasks, and not finishing what they start. They also make bad situations worse by repeating actions that didn't work before. They waste a lot of energy trying to control things they can't. Nolan is an example of how fear based on past experiences can stop someone from acting. He came to therapy because a friend suggested it. He had been separated from his wife for a year but couldn't decide about getting a divorce. Nolan was always confused and felt guilty. He worried about making a mistake, harming his kids, losing his friends' respect, and religious consequences. This confusion and fear kept him from making any decision. When the therapist suggested that Nolan was actually scared, not just confused, he didn't like it at first. ==But as they talked about his childhood fears of making mistakes with lasting consequences, he began to understand his fear. He thought he couldn't handle the outcomes of his decisions. The therapist helped Nolan list his fears and counter them with the idea that he could handle whatever happened.== The next week, Nolan said he had contacted a lawyer, even though he was still scared. *** #### no matter what happened, he would handle it. I sent Nolan home with his list of fears along with a more accurate statement about each: No matter what happened, he would handle it. The following week, Nolan proudly announced that he had contacted an attorney. Even though he felt tremendous fearand anxiety, he found courage in repeating his new found mantra: "I can handle it."Facing present day fears is the only way to overcome memory fear. Every time the Nice Guy confronts a fear, he unconsciously creates a belief that he can handle whatever it is he is afraid of. This challenges his memory fear. Challenging this memory fear makes the things outside of him seem less threatening. As these things seem less frightening, he feels more confident in confronting them. The more this confidence grows, the less threatening life seems. [Page 97](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=96&start=1806&length=249&search=I%20sent%20Nolan%20home%20with%20his%20list%20of%20fears%20along%20with%20a%20more%20accurate%20statement%20about%20each%3A%20No%20matter%20what%20happened,%20he%20would%20handle%20it.%20The%20following%20week,%20Nolan%20proudly%20announced%20that%20he%20had%20contacted%20an%20attorney.%20Even%20though%20he%20felt%20tremendous%20fear) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [no matter what happened, he would handle it.](brain://api.thebrain.com/kjgVn6NjrE-c5TQM5I3ryw/_T2Uetkhv0aAPda7Qv743w/NoMatterWhatHappenedHeWouldHandleIt) | | 📚 | [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#no matter what happened, he would handle it.]] | | 🌲 | [[🌲Embrace risk and break norms to cultivate a bold, rule-breaking character#no matter what happened, he would handle it.]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#no matter what happened, he would handle it.]] | *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 98](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=97) ==To overcome fear and anxiety, a man found strength in repeating "I can handle it." Facing current fears helps beat the fears from the past. Each time a nice guy faces a fear, he starts to believe he can handle anything he's scared of. This challenges his old fears. By doing this, things that scared him before seem less scary. As he feels less scared, he becomes more confident. The more confident he gets, the less scary life seems.== In "Breaking Free Activity #21", you list one fear that controls your life. Decide to face this fear and keep telling yourself, "I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it." Keep repeating this until you act and stop feeling scared. Developing honesty helps nice guys become more powerful. ==Most nice guys think they are honest, but they often lie or hide the truth. They might lie or not tell the whole truth and still think they are honest. Lying is based on fear, and it makes nice guys lose their power. Lying means not telling the whole truth.== Nice guys are good at making excuses for their lies. They might say things like "I'm pretty honest" or "I'm honest most of the time," not realizing they are contradicting themselves. Sometimes, they defend themselves by saying, "I didn't lie, I just didn't tell everything." *** #### dishonesty is a fear-based behavior Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. In reality, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. They have the ability to tell a lie or withhold the truth and still believe the illusion that they are basically honest people. Since dishonesty is a fear-based behavior, telling lies and withholding the truth robs Nice Guys of their personal power.I define lying as anything less than the truth. This may seem evident to most people, but it is important to define "lying," and "telling the truth," because Nice Guys are adept at creating definitions that justify their behavior. It is not unusual to hear them make statements like "I'm pretty honest" or "I'm honest most of the time" without the slightest awareness of their contradiction of terms. In almost a childlike manner, Nice Guys will often offer the following defense: "I didn't lie, I just didn't tell everything." [Page 98](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=97&start=888&length=893&search=Most%20Nice%20Guys%20pride%20themselves%20on%20being%20honest%20and%20trustworthy.%20In%20reality,%20Nice%20Guys%20are%20fundamentally%20dishonest.%20They%20have%20the%20ability%20to%20tell%20a%20lie%20or%20withhold%20the%20truth%20and%20still%20believe%20the%20illusion%20that%20they%20are%20basically%20honest%20people.%20Since%20dishon) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [dishonesty is a fear-based behavior](brain://api.thebrain.com/kjgVn6NjrE-c5TQM5I3ryw/wsHM1M49rkasvZqCqhPc6g/DishonestyIsAFearbasedBehavior) | | 📚 | [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#dishonesty is a fear-based behavior]] | | 🌲 | [[🌲Embrace risk and break norms to cultivate a bold, rule-breaking character#dishonesty is a fear-based behavior]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#dishonesty is a fear-based behavior]] | *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 99](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=98) Joel owned a successful construction company. Sometimes, he left work early to watch a movie in the afternoon before going home. He hid this from his wife because he was afraid of her disapproval. He even made up stories in case she called him while he was at the movies. Joel didn't realize he was lying to both himself and his wife. His lies created a relationship based on fear with his wife and made him lose his sense of personal power. ==I advise Nice Guys to be honest, especially about things they don't want others to know. These are usually the things they hide, but need to share the most. They might need to practice telling these truths several times. Sometimes, after being honest, they think it was a mistake because someone got angry. But telling the truth is not about making life easy. It's about living with integrity, which is easier than a life full of lies.== ==To recover from Nice Guy Syndrome, developing integrity is key. Integrity means deciding what feels right and doing it. The opposite is the "committee approach," where decisions are based on guessing what others think is right. This approach leads to confusion, fear, powerlessness, and dishonesty. There are two ways to lack integrity: not asking oneself what is right, or not doing what one believes is right. But there's only one way to have integrity: deciding what's right and doing it.== *** #### deciding what feels right and doing it Sometimes after telling the truth, Nice Guys will report that it was a "mistake" because someone reacted with anger. Telling the truth is not a magic formula for having a smooth life. But living a life of integrity is actually easier than living one built around deceit and distortion.Developing integrity is an essential part of recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.My definition of integrity is "deciding what feels right and doing it."The alternative is using the "committee approach." This method of decision-making and acting is based on trying to guess what everyone else would think is right. Following this committee approach is the quickest path to confusion, fear, powerlessness, and dishonesty.When applying the definition above, there are two ways to be out of integrity, but only one way to be in it. When a Nice Guy never even bothers to ask himself, "What do I think is right?" or uses the committee method, he will always be out of integrity. If he asks himself what he believes is right but doesn't do it, he is also out ofintegrity. Only by asking himself what he believes is right and then doing it does he become a man of integrity. [Page 99](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=98&start=1103&length=1043&search=Sometimes%20after%20telling%20the%20truth,%20Nice%20Guys%20will%20report%20that%20it%20was%20a%20%22mistake%22%20because%20someone%20reacted%20with%20anger.%20Telling%20the%20truth%20is%20not%20a%20magic%20formula%20for%20having%20a%20smooth%20life.%20But%20living%20a%20life%20of%20integrity%20is%20actually%20easier%20than%20living%20one%20built%20) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [deciding what feels right and doing it](brain://api.thebrain.com/kjgVn6NjrE-c5TQM5I3ryw/WVpz7vtQIUiUXtG1hKyg3A/DecidingWhatFeelsRightAndDoingIt) | | 📚 | [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#deciding what feels right and doing it]] | | 🌲 | [[🌲Embrace risk and break norms to cultivate a bold, rule-breaking character#deciding what feels right and doing it]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#deciding what feels right and doing it]] | *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 100](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=99) ==A person becomes truly honest only by doing what they think is right. In "Breaking Free Activity #22," you pick an area where you haven't been honest or done the right thing. Figure out why you're afraid to tell the truth or act correctly. Share this issue with someone you trust. Then, go tell the truth or do what's needed to fix the situation. Believe that you can handle it. Telling the truth might cause problems, but trust that everyone will get through it.== ==Setting boundaries is key for people who are too nice to feel powerful. It's crucial for their well-being. Teaching nice people to set boundaries is a basic skill I focus on.== I show this by placing a shoestring on the ground and telling the person I will cross their boundary and push them. They should stop me when they're uncomfortable. Often, they let me cross the line and push them back a lot before they react. Some even let me push them to a wall. This shows the importance of setting boundaries in life. Nice people usually avoid conflict, give in, and try to keep peace. They think if they step back, the other person will stop and everything will be okay. When they first learn to set boundaries, they might overdo it a bit. *** #### setting boundaries Setting Boundaries Helps Nice Guys ReclaimTheir Personal PowerBoundaries are essential for survival. Learning to set boundaries allows Nice Guys to stop feeling like helpless victims and reclaim their personal power. Boundary setting is one of the most fundamental skills I teach to recovering Nice Guys.I demonstrate the concept of boundaries by laying a shoestring on the ground. I tell the Nice Guy that I am going to cross his boundary and push him backwards. I instruct him to stop me when he begins to feel uncomfortable. It is not unusual for a Nice Guy to stand well back from the line, allowing me to violate his space several steps before he even begins to respond. Once I start pushing, it's not uncommon for a Nice Guy to let me push him back several steps before he does anything to stop me. Sometimes a Nice Guy will let me push him all the way to the wall.I use this exercise as a graphic demonstration of the need for boundaries in all areas of life. Nice Guys are usually more comfortable back-pedaling, giving in, and keeping the peace. They believe if they take one more step backward, the other person will quit pushing, and then everything will be smooth. [Page 100](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=99&start=559&length=1180&search=Setting%20Boundaries%20Helps%20Nice%20Guys%20Reclaim%0ATheir%20Personal%20Power%0ABoundaries%20are%20essential%20for%20survival.%20Learning%20to%20set%20boundaries%20allows%20Nice%20Guys%20to%20stop%20feeling%20like%20helpless%20victims%20and%20reclaim%20their%20personal%20power.%20Boundary%20setting%20is%20one%20of%20the%20most%20f) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [setting boundaries](brain://api.thebrain.com/kjgVn6NjrE-c5TQM5I3ryw/_fufNm3bzU6vDqGyn6ExpA/SettingBoundaries) | | 📚 | [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#setting boundaries]] | | 🌲 | [[🌲Embrace risk and break norms to cultivate a bold, rule-breaking character#setting boundaries]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#setting boundaries]] | *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 101](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=100) ==People often go from being too soft to too harsh when setting boundaries. They start by using too much force, like a sledgehammer. Over time, they learn to use only the necessary amount of force. They realize setting boundaries is about changing themselves, not others. If someone crosses their boundary, it's their problem. Nice Guys often let others cross their boundaries because of past fears. This teaches others that it's okay to cross their boundaries. As Nice Guys start taking responsibility for how they let others treat them, they change their behavior. This leads to others behaving differently, which helps relationships grow.== Jake's story shows how allowing bad behavior can harm a relationship, and setting boundaries can help it. Before marrying Kisha, she cheated on him. Jake forgave her and didn't talk about it, leading to Kisha doing whatever she wanted while Jake kept his feelings to himself. He was careful with his words to not upset her. Once, when they were out and Kisha got drunk, she insulted Jake and danced with other men. Jake finally confronted her when he couldn't stay quiet anymore. She ignored him, and he angrily left. *** #### kamikaze boundary setters It is not unusual for recovering Nice Guys to go a little overboard when they first learn about boundary setting. They have a tendency to swing from one extreme to another. They become Kamikaze boundary setters. They try to set boundaries with a sledge hammer or machete. They usually learn in time that they only have to use as much resistance as necessary to get the job done.In time, they also learn that boundary setting isn't about getting other people to be different, but about getting themselves to be different. If someone is crossing their boundary, it isn't the other person's problem, it is theirs. [Page 101](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=99&start=1739&length=138&search=%0AIt%20is%20not%20unusual%20for%20recovering%20Nice%20Guys%20to%20go%20a%20little%20overboard%20when%20they%20first%20learn%20about%20boundary%20setting.%20They%20have%20a%20tendency%0A%20%20) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [kamikaze boundary setters](brain://api.thebrain.com/kjgVn6NjrE-c5TQM5I3ryw/kO4gAGQvAU-vS43LUJquvA/KamikazeBoundarySetters) | | 📚 | [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#kamikaze boundary setters]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#kamikaze boundary setters]] | *** #### they teach people they will accept having their boundaries violated Because of memory fear, Nice Guys often unconsciously reinforce the very behaviors they find intolerable. Due to their childhood conditioning, they teach the people around them that they will accept having their boundaries violated. As recovering Nice Guys begin to take responsibility for how they let people treat them, their own behavior begins to change. As they stop reinforcing things they aren't willing to tolerate, the people around them are given the opportunity to behave differently. This gives relationships a chance to survive and grow. [Page 101](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=100&start=478&length=550&search=Because%20of%20memory%20fear,%20Nice%20Guys%20often%20unconsciously%20reinforce%20the%20very%20behaviors%20they%20find%20intolerable.%20Due%20to%20their%20childhood%20conditioning,%20they%20teach%20the%20people%20around%20them%20that%20they%20will%20accept%20having%20their%20boundaries%20violated.%20As%20recovering%20Nice%20Guys) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [they teach people they will accept having their boundaries violated](brain://api.thebrain.com/kjgVn6NjrE-c5TQM5I3ryw/w1VmcG7sqEWtsmQDS2pqsA/TheyTeachPeopleTheyWillAcceptHavingTheirBoundariesViolated) | | 📚 | [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#they teach people they will accept having their boundaries violated]] | | 🌲 | [[🌲Embrace risk and break norms to cultivate a bold, rule-breaking character#they teach people they will accept having their boundaries violated]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#they teach people they will accept having their boundaries violated]] | *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 102](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=101) One of Kisha's friends brought her home the next morning. She didn't talk to Jake all day. Jake felt bad and apologized for calling her a bad name. Later, he talked about this in his support group. The group told him that by putting up with his wife's bad behavior, he was letting her do whatever she wanted. They said the problem was with him, not Kisha. They told him that unless he changed, his wife wouldn't either. By not setting boundaries, he was stopping his marriage from getting better. Jake then talked to his wife. He admitted his part in their problems. He said he wouldn't put up with her bad behavior anymore. He set clear boundaries. He wouldn't let her dance or flirt with other men, or put him down in front of friends. He said she needed to get help for her drinking if she wanted to stay married. Kisha didn't like being told what to do and left to stay with a friend. Jake was sad but didn't beg her to come back. He talked to his support group instead. A few days later, Kisha called him. She admitted he was right and said she respected him for the first time in their marriage. She wanted to save their marriage and agreed to get treatment. "Breaking Free Activity #23" says that before setting boundaries, you need to realize how much you avoid conflict or try to keep peace. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 103](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=102) For the next week, watch how you behave. Notice if you say "yes" when you really want to say "no". See if you agree to do things just to avoid arguments. Check if you don't do something because you're afraid of someone's reaction. ==Think about if you're putting up with a bad situation, hoping it will disappear.== Write down these things and talk about them with someone you trust. ==Life isn't always easy or predictable. Trying to be "good" or doing things "right" doesn't protect you from life's ups and downs.== This approach just leads to weak men who get pushed around or made fun of for small mistakes. When Nice Guys start to accept reality, share their feelings, face their fears, live with honesty, and set boundaries, they find a strength that helps them face life's challenges and surprises. Life is not always gentle or beautiful, but it's full of surprises and adventures, and it's worth experiencing. *** #### trying to be "good" or doing things "right" doesn't protect you from life's ups and downs Do you say "yes" when you would rather say "no"? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do you avoid doing something because someone might get upset at you? Do you tolerate an intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away? Write these observations down and share them with a safe person.Take A Walk On The Wild SideThere is no "key" to a smooth life. Being "good" or doing it "right" doesn't insulate Nice Guys from the chaotic, ever-changing realities of life. All the Nice Guy paradigm does is create wimpy men who allow bullies to kick sand in their face or shame them for loading the dishwasher "wrong."As recovering Nice Guys begin to surrender, dwell in reality, express their feelings, face their fears, develop integrity, and set boundaries, they access a power that allows them to welcome and embrace the challenges and "gifts" of life. Life isn't a merry-go-round, it's a roller coaster. As they reclaim personal power, recovering Nice Guys can experience the world in all of its serendipitous beauty. Life won't always be smooth, it may not always be pretty, but it will be an adventure — one not to be missed. [Page 103](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=102&start=34&length=1143&search=Do%20you%20say%20%22yes%22%20when%20you%20would%20rather%20say%20%22no%22%3F%20Do%20you%20agree%20to%20do%20something%20to%20avoid%20conflict%3F%20Do%20you%20avoid%20doing%20something%20because%20someone%20might%20get%20upset%20at%20you%3F%20Do%20you%20tolerate%20an%20intolerable%20situation,%20hoping%20that%20it%20will%20just%20go%20away%3F%20Write%20these%20ob) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [trying to be "good" or doing things "right" doesn't protect you from life's ups and downs](brain://api.thebrain.com/kjgVn6NjrE-c5TQM5I3ryw/cXL5RBr4q02IJiIEsIBT8g/TryingToBeGoodOrDoingThingsRightDoesntProtectYouFromLifes) | | 📚 | [[📚No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#trying to be "good" or doing things "right" doesn't protect you from life's ups and downs]] | | 🌲 | [[🌲Embrace risk and break norms to cultivate a bold, rule-breaking character#trying to be "good" or doing things "right" doesn't protect you from life's ups and downs]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover#trying to be "good" or doing things "right" doesn't protect you from life's ups and downs]] | #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 172](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=171) Nice Guys often struggle in relationships and careers because they are attracted to situations that replay the dysfunctional roles and relationships from their childhood. They typically see themselves as victims and fail to realize they have the choice to leave these unhealthy situations. By staying, they prevent themselves from achieving what they truly want or reaching the top of their profession. In my "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" groups, I encourage every participant to aim to become a millionaire, not in terms of money, but in discovering their passion and reaching their full potential. Many Nice Guys are intelligent and talented, and as they recover from Nice Guy Syndrome, they learn to accept themselves as they are. This self-acceptance allows them to pursue their passions and face their fears. With a more accurate view of themselves and the world, they can start to experience the abundance of life, whether it's in the form of money, love, sex, fame, or a combination of these. The rest of the chapter offers a strategy to help recovering Nice Guys become the best versions of themselves. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 173](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=172) Charlie was a typical Nice Guy who lacked passion and was not living up to his potential. He was stuck in a job he disliked and lived a life filled with mediocrity and fear. Even though he completed his engineering degree, he stayed at the same job he had before college. His employers didn't keep their promise of a promotion, and Charlie suppressed his frustration, continuing with his routine. Charlie's only passion was flying. Despite his mother's warnings, he started flying lessons after college. However, he struggled to complete the requirements for his pilot's license. A colleague introduced him to a website that described Nice Guys, and Charlie was shocked at how accurately it described him. It took him eight months to gather the courage to send two emails to the person running the website. Charlie realized he needed to join a men's group, but was scared of being vulnerable. He made a life-changing decision to face his fears. He started living by the rule that if he was afraid of something, he would confront it. Over the next year and a half, he made slow but steady progress, starting by confronting smaller fears and gradually tackling bigger ones. This journey led him to rediscover his passion and purpose in life. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 174](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=173) Charlie made gradual progress until he gained momentum and became unstoppable. Over about eighteen months, he took significant steps to rediscover his passion and purpose. He became more involved in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! men's group, sharing more about himself and confronting other members. He started addressing the neglect and fear-based messages from his family, including asking his father to join him in counseling to discuss his father's lack of involvement and concern during his childhood. He stopped blaming his girlfriend for not having enough money for flying lessons and switched flying schools to get better instruction and equipment. He looked for jobs that matched his engineering degree and tackled his feelings of inadequacy, family messages about playing it safe, and distorted beliefs about his qualifications as an engineer. He addressed issues with his girlfriend regarding household responsibilities, earned his pilot's license, and overcame his fear of being the center of attention during a birthday celebration. Finally, he applied for and secured a job at an engineering firm that recognized his capabilities and talent. This transformation turned Charlie from an introverted, fearful, and passive individual into a man with passion and purpose. Witnessing this change was like seeing a metamorphosis of epic proportions. I asked Charlie to share his formula for success in an email. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 175](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=174) To get a new job, Charlie followed these steps: 1. He first stopped seeing himself as a victim. 2. ==He began setting boundaries, starting small and gradually increasing them.== 3. As his boundaries were respected, he started to believe in himself. 4. During this period, he embraced honesty. 5. He recognized that he was an adult with an education and qualified to be an Industrial Engineer. 6. He realized he didn't need to stay in his dysfunctional but comfortable previous job and decided to move on. Charlie's "Breaking Free Activity #40" involves selecting a tangible fear and planning to confront it. The steps include: - ==Choosing an item from a list of challenges like asking for a raise, quitting an unsatisfying job, starting a business, going back to school, confronting a conflict, promoting an idea or creation, pursuing a goal, or spending more time on a hobby.== - ==Writing down how to confront this specific issue.== - ==Taking a small step towards facing the fear.== - ==Seeking encouragement and support from someone else, emphasizing the importance of not doing it alone.== - ==Remembering that whatever happens, he will handle it.== This approach helps Nice Guys like Charlie chart their own path and get the life they want. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 176](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=175) Many people, including Nice Guys, don't usually take active responsibility for creating the life they want. They often accept their current situation and believe they don't have much power to shape an exciting, fulfilling life. When I talk to Nice Guys about taking control of their lives, they often struggle to understand the idea. They don't believe they can make choices and turn those choices into reality. I encourage Nice Guys to envision a life where they do what they love and are paid for it. However, many find this hard to grasp and think it's like believing in a fairy tale. Some dismiss the idea, thinking that not everyone can be as "lucky" as I am to have a job they love and be well-paid. I used to accept this view until I realized my life was not about luck. Earning my Ph.D., building a counseling practice, developing my skills as a therapist, writing a book, and creating a website involved conscious decisions, persistence, facing fears, sacrifices, and hard work, not luck. I'm not extraordinary; I have ordinary talents and the same fears as the Nice Guys I work with. I don't possess any special talents or skills that they don't have. The difference lies in making conscious decisions to face fears, not settling for mediocrity, and creating my own rules. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 177](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=176) The text suggests that people we respect often start from humble beginnings but manage to create interesting and fulfilling lives. They do this by taking control of their lives, charting their own paths, and setting their own rules. The key difference is that these individuals, often ordinary people, have actively taken charge of their lives. The message here is encouraging: what one person can do, another can as well. This means you also have the potential to take charge and create a life you value. The "Breaking Free Activity #41" involves a few steps to help you start this process: 1. ==Identify what you really want in life.== 2. ==Understand what's stopping you from achieving these goals.== 3. ==Write down three things you want to achieve.== 4. ==Create a personal affirmation that will guide you towards your goals and display it where you can regularly see it.== 5. ==Share your dreams and affirmation with someone you trust.== The idea is to move away from trying to do everything correctly and instead focus on pursuing what truly matters to you. The book "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" began as a series of chapters for a men's group and evolved into a larger project aimed at publication and wide distribution. This transition from a spontaneous recording of insights for a few clients to a more structured effort for a broader audience reflects the book's underlying message: ==letting go of perfection and rigid guidelines to create something meaningful and impactful in your life.== *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 178](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=177) When people started suggesting that my book "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" could be a bestseller, appear on Oprah, or make me rich, the pressure of these expectations began to affect my work. What started as a labor of love became a struggle for perfection. For six years, I worked on the book, constantly revising and editing it. The main reason for the delay was my belief that the book had to be perfect to be published, bought, and helpful. This belief led to several issues. I thought I had to include everything I knew about the Nice Guy Syndrome, which made the original manuscript much longer than the final version. I believed I had to be an eloquent writer with flawless text. This pursuit of perfection caused personal and professional stress. I even went to therapy to figure out why I couldn't finish the book. My family was affected too; my children became disillusioned, and my wife half-jokingly threatened to leave if I didn't finish. The turning point came when someone advised me to give myself permission not to publish the book. This brought immediate relief and helped me return to my original goal: to write insights to help a few men improve their lives. I let go of the need to be published, become a best-selling author, or appear on Oprah. I started writing with only one question in mind: "Will this help my clients find answers to their problems?" I reminded myself that my insights would be useless if I never completed the book. Once I abandoned the idea that the book had to be perfect, everything started to come together. I finished the book, and it started helping clients. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 179](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=178) The text describes the success of the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" As it gained popularity, it began changing lives. Therapists requested copies for their clients, and media outlets sought interviews with the author. With increasing attention, an agent was hired, and publishers showed interest. However, striving for perfection initially drained the life out of the project. Embracing the concept of 'good enough' allowed the author to pursue his passion and create something valuable. The same principle is applicable to every aspect of a recovering Nice Guy's life. "Breaking Free Activity #42" encourages addressing how perfectionism or the need to do things perfectly hinders passion and potential. It suggests: 1. Choosing something you've always wanted to do, like writing a book, turning a hobby into a business, moving, going back to school, or fully embracing a talent. 2. Reflecting on whether knowing the endeavor would be successful would change your approach. 3. Considering the risks you'd be willing to take if you knew you couldn't fail. 4. Letting go of the need for perfection and just starting the endeavor. The text then discusses the importance of asking for help, highlighting that Nice Guys often don't reach their potential because they try to do everything alone. An example is given of Phil, who aimed to be rich. Despite his positive qualities, Phil fell short of his goals due to shortcuts, procrastination, and insecurities about deserving success. This suggests that learning to ask for help is crucial for Nice Guys to achieve their goals and live fulfilling lives. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 180](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=179) Phil's biggest obstacle was his reluctance to ask for help. He held several incorrect beliefs: that he didn't deserve what he wanted, his needs weren't important to others, and asking for help directly was the surest way not to get his needs met. In a No More Mr. Nice Guy! group session, Phil talked about the lack of intimacy in his marriage. I asked him if he had directly asked his wife for sex, and he said no. He also didn't believe she wanted to have sex with him. I suggested that his problem was more than just a lack of sex; it was about not valuing his own needs and doubting others' willingness to meet them. I encouraged Phil to start changing his beliefs about his sexual needs as a step to address his deeper issues. The following week, Phil happily shared that he and his wife had been intimate. He simply asked her, and she responded positively, saying she enjoyed being intimate with him but hadn't thought he was interested because he hadn't asked for a long time. Later, Phil expressed apprehension about asking his father-in-law for a loan to replace his house windows. During the group discussion, I suggested he ask the group members for help. Though hesitant, Phil asked, and the group enthusiastically agreed to assist. They later gathered at his house and completed the project together, like an old-fashioned barn-raising. These experiences profoundly impacted Phil. He began to realize his needs were important and that people were willing to help him. He started to see the power and importance of asking for help directly. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 181](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=180) Phil learned that to meet his needs, he needed to ask for help. He adopted this new approach and soon shared a plan with his group to start his own landscaping business. A family friend offered help to get started, aligning well with Phil's dream of teaching snowboarding in winter. An old friend became his financial backer, and his wife volunteered to find a job with health insurance benefits. Members of his group offered to help with his business plan and bookkeeping. Phil's life improved when he stopped trying to do everything himself and began asking for help. He is now on his way to creating the life and career he always wanted. "Breaking Free Activity #43" is about recognizing the importance of your needs and the willingness of others to help. It involves: 1. Listing helpers in your life, including friends, family, and professionals like doctors, lawyers, therapists, and CPAs. 2. Identifying what kinds of helpers you still need. 3. Figuring out how to use your current helpers more effectively. 4. Understanding how you might be preventing these people from helping you. 5. Actively seeking help and building networks. Before asking for help, affirm to yourself: "This person wants to help me get my needs met." This activity emphasizes the importance of acknowledging self-sabotaging behaviors and learning to accept help from others to achieve your goals and create a fulfilling life. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 182](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=181) Sal, who grew up with a passive father and a schizophrenic mother, lacked attention and support as a child. He had to be responsible for his younger brother at a young age, leaving him with few choices and leading him to cope by persevering with dogged determination. As an adult, Sal managed a body shop for his uncle, who was a frugal, short-sighted, and barely involved owner. Sal faced the challenge of making the business profitable with limited resources and dissatisfied employees, believing against odds that it was possible. During his men's group sessions, Sal would often take Tylenol to alleviate stress headaches caused by his challenging work situation. When I suggested exploring other work options, Sal seemed resigned and skeptical, believing nothing could change. Group members suggested various solutions, but Sal had reasons for dismissing each one: talking to his uncle (who he said didn't care), profit-sharing (which his uncle would supposedly reject for being too costly), hiring an assistant (previously unsuccessful), and returning to car painting (more lucrative but too toxic). Sal's case illustrates how Nice Guys can sabotage their own success. They often find themselves in difficult situations and feel helpless to change them. They might try to solve their problems but give up when faced with obstacles, leading to a cycle of frustration and stagnation. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 183](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=182) Sal, who always wanted to teach martial arts, felt trapped in his auto body business due to responsibilities like a mortgage, a wife, and two kids. When asked about changing careers, Sal became increasingly tense, viewing the discussion as a hostile interrogation. This reaction is typical of what the book describes as the Nice Guy Syndrome, where individuals often sabotage their own success and satisfaction by staying in stressful, no-win situations. The book emphasizes that most Nice Guys aren't victims of others but of their own attitudes and actions. To recover from this syndrome and start achieving what they want in life, work, and career, Nice Guys need to consciously decide to stop self-sabotaging. A crucial part of this process is changing their perspective on change. Nice Guys need to recognize why they unconsciously create barriers that make them feel stuck. Common excuses like having a mortgage, a family, or financial obligations are often seen as insurmountable obstacles. However, making significant life changes doesn't mean abandoning these responsibilities. Instead, it involves recognizing these as excuses and taking small steps towards the desired direction, thus gradually moving away from self-imposed limitations and towards fulfilling one’s true aspirations and dreams. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 184](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=183) Sal has options to improve his life, despite his challenging circumstances. For instance, he could start teaching martial arts one evening a week, a step that might provide satisfaction and additional income. He could work on reducing his personal debt, which would open up more job opportunities in the future. He could also shift his focus from unfulfilling activities to more meaningful ones. **Breaking Free Activity #44:** 1. **Identify Self-Sabotage**: Recognize the ways you undermine your success. Understand your patterns and determine the changes needed to achieve your desires. 2. **Implement Specific Behaviors**: - Stay focused. - Act immediately ("Do it now"). - Accept "good enough" rather than striving for perfection. - Complete ongoing projects before starting new ones. - Avoid making excuses. - Distance yourself from solving other people's problems. 3. **Share Your Strategy**: Discuss your approach with someone you trust. Regularly check in with them to monitor your progress. Not doing this could be another form of self-sabotage. **Developing a More Accurate View of the World:** Nice Guys often struggle with "deprivation thinking," believing resources are limited and envying others for what they have. This mindset hinders them from seeing the world as abundant and ever-expanding. Nice Guys tend to cling to what they have, fearing there won't be enough in the future. They need to understand that the universe is abundant and that focusing on scarcity only limits their potential for success and happiness. By adopting a mindset of abundance, Nice Guys can start to create the life they truly want. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 185](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=184) The concept of scarcity mindset is exemplified by the story of Russell, a successful salesman. Despite earning a six-figure income and having significant savings, Russell was dominated by fear of financial ruin. This fear was so intense that he would not allow minor expenses, like a $9.00 video for his children, if it wasn’t in the budget. Russell’s approach to money reflected his general worldview, shaped by his experiences with his miserly and critical father, who had favored his brothers and excluded Russell from his will. The text suggests that adopting an abundance mindset is key to realizing that there is enough for everyone in the world. When we recognize the world as abundant, we understand that everything we need is available, and we only need to let go of our limited thinking to allow prosperity into our lives. The abundance around us, evident in the wealth others have created, signifies that living a full and abundant life is possible for anyone. The idea that "what one man can do, another can do" is emphasized to encourage the belief that if someone else can achieve wealth, start a dream business, own luxury items, or find fulfilling work, so can you. However, being open to receiving these things is crucial. Deprivation thinking, or the fear of losing what one has, can prevent a person from being receptive to new opportunities and wealth. This mindset keeps individuals trapped in a cycle of holding on to what they have, unable to receive more. The challenge is to break free from this limiting belief to embrace the possibilities that an abundance mindset can offer. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 186](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=185) Phil's experience demonstrates that when we ask for what we want and expect to receive it, it often comes to us, in one form or another. **Breaking Free Activity #45:** 1. **Relax and Clear Your Mind**: Set aside the ebook, close your eyes, and take deep breaths. Exhale slowly and clear your mind. 2. **Visualize Abundance**: In a relaxed state, envision yourself in a world with no limits or constraints. Imagine good things continuously flowing around you. Visualize every abundant thing you've ever desired – a car, home, friends, love, joy, wealth, success, peace of mind, challenges. Picture yourself surrounded by this abundance in your daily life. 3. **Repeat the Visualization**: Practice this visualization several times daily until it starts to feel real. Open your arms, heart, and mind to these possibilities. 4. **Allow It to Happen**: Step out of your own way and let this abundant life unfold. **Get the Life You Want: The No More Mr. Nice Guy! Strategy For Success** Nice Guys often believe in a strict set of rules governing behavior, thinking that following these rules will lead to a smooth, happy life and fearing the consequences of not adhering to them. However, discovering passion and purpose involves figuring out what works and what doesn’t. Successful, mature individuals create their own rules based on a single criterion: Do these rules work? Over time, men in my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups have discovered rules that work for them, helping them find their passion, realize their potential, and create the life and career they truly desire. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 187](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=186) "Breaking Free Activity #46" encourages you to adopt new rules for life that can help you break free from limiting patterns. Try following these rules, adding your own, and writing them on note cards to see daily: 1. If it scares you, do it. 2. Don't settle for less. 3. Put yourself first. 4. Believe you can handle anything that happens. 5. Give your all in everything you do. 6. Doing the same things will yield the same results. 7. Only you are responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness. 8. Ask for what you want. 9. If something isn't working, try a different approach. 10. Communicate clearly and directly. 11. Learn to say "no." 12. Avoid making excuses. 13. As an adult, you can set your own rules. 14. Accept help from others. 15. Be honest with yourself. 16. Never allow anyone to treat you poorly. 17. Leave bad situations instead of waiting for change. 18. Don't tolerate what's intolerable. 19. Stop playing the victim. 20. Live with integrity and do what feels right. 21. Accept the consequences of your actions. 22. Treat yourself well. 23. Think in terms of abundance. 24. Confront difficult situations and conflicts. 25. Avoid secrecy in your actions. 26. Act now, don't delay. 27. Be open to letting go to achieve what you want. 28. Have fun and recognize when you're not. 29. Allow yourself room to fail and learn. 30. Understand that control is an illusion and embrace the flow of life. These rules are designed to empower you to take charge of your life, embrace challenges, and foster personal growth. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 188](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=187) ==Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome is essential for discovering your true passion and potential. By taking responsibility and actively creating the life you truly want, you open the door to becoming everything you were meant to be. This process involves recognizing and changing limiting beliefs and behaviors, and embracing opportunities to grow and develop. It's about making choices that align with your goals and values, and courageously pursuing the life you envision for yourself.== *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 189](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=188) It took me six years to write "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" During this time, I worked with many Nice Guys and their partners and led three No More Mr. Nice Guy! men's groups per week. That's over 1,800 hours of working directly with Nice Guys. I've seen many incredible changes: men transforming from passive, controlling, resentful victims to empowered, integrated males. I've witnessed significant improvements in relationships, and some relationships come to a necessary end. I've received heartfelt testimonials and gratitude from both men and women who have experienced positive changes in their lives. People from all over the world have related to the Nice Guy description on my website. My greatest discovery is that the tools and insights in No More Mr. Nice Guy! are effective. Now that you've finished the book, I recommend starting it again from the beginning. Take time to do the Breaking Free exercises. Find a safe person or group to help you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. If you're in a relationship, ask your partner to read the book and share your insights with them. Engaging in this recovery program is a valuable gift to yourself and your loved ones. As you learn to approve of yourself, you'll find an incredible capacity within you to love and accept love, and to live life to its fullest. *** #### [No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Page 190](x-devonthink-item://8ACF9E28-E00B-45BB-B1E5-33E7EFB898A9?page=189) Embracing your true self and living life to the fullest can be scary at first, but it's at the core of who you are and what you're meant to become. Discovering your true self brings limitless freedom. This includes: 1. The freedom to be yourself without pretending to be someone else. 2. The freedom to stop chasing others' approval. 3. The freedom to pursue and achieve what you truly desire. This journey of self-discovery and embracing your authentic self is key to living a fulfilling and liberated life. It's about breaking free from constraints and expectations imposed by others or by your own fears and doubts. By accepting and expressing your true self, you open doors to genuine happiness, fulfillment, and a sense of purpose. ***