# [[📚Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne]] #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 174](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=173) From birth, parents, knowingly or not, teach their children how to act, think, feel, and see the world. Breaking free from these deep-rooted influences is hard because they are essential for survival in the first twenty to thirty years of life. However, becoming independent is possible because a person starts life being able to think and act freely, and choose how much of their parents' teachings to accept. Early in life, a person decides how to adapt to these teachings. Since these are decisions, they can be changed when the conditions are right. Gaining independence involves challenging all the unnecessary things mentioned in earlier chapters. This challenge is ongoing, as there is always the risk of falling back into old habits. First, as discussed earlier, one must overcome the heavy influence of family or tribal history. Then, they must reject the impact of their parents' social and cultural background. They also need to resist the pressures of modern society and might have to give up some benefits from their social group. Next, they must stop taking the easy route of negative behaviors like being selfish or difficult. Then, a person must take control over their actions, making conscious choices except maybe in dreams. At this stage, they can have relationships without manipulation or games, like the example in an earlier chapter. Finally, they can fully develop their ability to be independent. *** #### overcoming personal and societal histories to achieve autonomy First, as discussed in Chapter 13, the weight of a whole tribal or family historical tradition has to be lifted, as in the case of MargaretMead’s villagers in New Guinea;1 then the influence of the individual parental, social and cultural background has to be thrown off. The same must be done with the demands of contemporary society at large, and finally the advantages derived from one’s immediate social circle have to be partly or wholly sacrificed. Then all the easy indulgences and rewards of being a Sulk or a Jerk, as described in Chapter 14, have to be given up. Following this, the individual must attain personal and social control, so that all the classes of behaviour described in the Appendix, except perhaps dreams, become free choices subject only to his will. He is then ready for game-free relationships such as that illustrated in the paradigm in Chapter 15. At this point he may be able to develop his capacities for autonomy. [Page 174](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=173&start=1045&length=948&search=First,%20as%20discussed%20in%20Chapter%2013,%20the%20weight%20of%20a%20whole%20tribal%20or%20family%20historical%20tradition%20has%20to%20be%20lifted,%20as%20in%20the%20case%20of%20Margaret%0AMead%E2%80%99s%20villagers%20in%20New%20Guinea%3B1%20then%20the%20influence%20of%20the%20individual%20parental,%20social%20and%20cultural%20background%20has%20t) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [overcoming personal and societal histories to achieve autonomy](brain://api.thebrain.com/9yXepDzbiEeuwf3MqykREA/2mCjWatU-EOIVh2jtPWfZQ/OvercomingPersonalAndSocietalHistoriesToAchieveAutonomy) | | 📚 | [[📚Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne#overcoming personal and societal histories to achieve autonomy]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne#overcoming personal and societal histories to achieve autonomy]] | *** #### achieving behavioral autonomy and distancing from parental dominance The attainment of autonomy, then, consists of the overthrow of all those irrelevancies discussed in Chapters 13, 14 and 15. And such overthrow is never final: there is a continual battle against sinking back into the old ways.First, as discussed in Chapter 13, the weight of a whole tribal or family historical tradition has to be lifted, as in the case of MargaretMead’s villagers in New Guinea;1 then the influence of the individual parental, social and cultural background has to be thrown off. The same must be done with the demands of contemporary society at large, and finally the advantages derived from one’s immediate social circle have to be partly or wholly sacrificed. Then all the easy indulgences and rewards of being a Sulk or a Jerk, as described in Chapter 14, have to be given up. Following this, the individual must attain personal and social control, so that all the classes of behaviour described in the Appendix, except perhaps dreams, become free choices subject only to his will. He is then ready for game-free relationships such as that illustrated in the paradigm in Chapter 15. At this point he may be able to develop his capacities for autonomy. In essence, this whole preparation consists of obtaining a friendly divorce from one’s parents (and from other Parental influences) so that they may be agreeably visited on occasion, but are no longer dominant. [Page 174](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=173&start=818&length=1183&search=The%20attainment%20of%20autonomy,%20then,%20consists%20of%20the%20overthrow%20of%20all%20those%20irrelevancies%20discussed%20in%20Chapters%2013,%2014%20and%2015.%20And%20such%20overthrow%20is%20never%20final%3A%20there%20is%20a%20continual%20battle%20against%20sinking%20back%20into%20the%20old%20ways.%0AFirst,%20as%20discussed%20in%20Chapte) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [achieving behavioral autonomy and distancing from parental dominance](brain://api.thebrain.com/9yXepDzbiEeuwf3MqykREA/co6tMAdDbEu2RmhFlrxoEw/AchievingBehavioralAutonomyAndDistancingFromParentalDominance) | | 📚 | [[📚Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne#achieving behavioral autonomy and distancing from parental dominance]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne#achieving behavioral autonomy and distancing from parental dominance]] | *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 175](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=174) Basically, this entire process is about getting a friendly separation from one's parents (and other parental influences) so that they can be visited happily from time to time, but no longer have control. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 176](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=175) The first two parts of this book describe a bleak view of human life, suggesting that people just pass time waiting for death or for something like Christmas, with little choice in what they do while they wait. This idea is common but not the only possibility. For some lucky people, there are things that go beyond normal behaviors. These include awareness, which is more than just past experiences; spontaneity, which is about acting freely; and intimacy, which is more fulfilling than playing games. However, these qualities can be scary and risky for those who are not ready for them. Some people might prefer to stick with familiar ways of interacting, like seeking connections with others. This might suggest that there is no hope for humanity as a whole, but there is still hope for individuals. *** The author means that while the overall situation for humanity may seem bleak or without a solution, individual people still have the potential to find their own happiness and fulfillment. This distinction suggests that even if large-scale change is difficult or impossible, personal growth and improvement are still achievable for each person. "Awareness" refers to the ability to be conscious of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings, often recognizing patterns or influences from your past and understanding how they affect your current behavior. "Spontaneity" is about acting naturally and on impulse, without overthinking or planning in advance. It involves being able to respond to the moment in a free and uninhibited way. "Intimacy" means having a close and personal relationship where there is a deep understanding and trust. It goes beyond physical closeness to include emotional and intellectual connections that are open and honest. For some people, the concepts of awareness, spontaneity, and intimacy might be intimidating or risky, especially if they are not mentally or emotionally prepared to handle them. These qualities require openness and vulnerability, which can be challenging. As a result, some individuals might prefer to remain in their current state, finding comfort and solutions in more familiar and widely accepted social practices like fostering a sense of community and connection with others, referred to here as "togetherness." This approach might seem safer or more manageable to them than confronting deeper personal changes. #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 170](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=169) Autonomy is achieved through gaining three skills: awareness, spontaneity, and intimacy. Awareness involves the ability to perceive things like a coffeepot or the singing of birds in one's own unique way, not just as one was taught. Infants, for example, experience seeing and hearing differently than adults do, enjoying these senses more for their beauty than for intellectual reasons. For instance, a young boy might take pleasure in hearing birds until his father intervenes to teach him the types of birds, shifting the boy's focus from enjoyment to classification, thus changing the way he sees and hears the birds to fit his father's expectations. This educational push is often justified by practicality, as not everyone can afford to simply enjoy nature without purpose. However, a few people manage to maintain this direct perception and enjoyment of the world. Most, though, lose this ability and cannot experience the world as artists do unless they learn it indirectly. Awareness in this sense involves more than just seeing or hearing; it includes living in the present moment rather than being caught up in the past or future. An everyday example of this is rushing to work in the morning, where one could instead focus on the present experience. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 171](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=170) The question "Where is the mind when the body is here?" explores how people can be physically present but mentally elsewhere in different scenarios: 1. **The Jerk**: This person is obsessed with punctuality, primarily to impress others like a boss. While driving, his body is at the car's wheel, but his mind is already at the office door. He is not aware of his surroundings unless they hinder his progress. He's so focused on the appearance of effort that he might even appear out of breath on purpose to show how hard he has tried. This lack of autonomy makes him almost more dead than alive, creating stress that could lead to health issues like hypertension or heart disease. 2. **The Sulk**: Unlike the Jerk, the Sulk isn't focused on being on time but rather on finding excuses for being late. He welcomes any mishaps like poorly timed lights or other drivers’ mistakes as justifications for his lateness. His focus is on finding faults and injustices, which feeds into his mindset of blaming others, and he remains only half alive to what is actually around him. 3. **The Natural Driver**: This driver enjoys the act of driving and is skilled at navigating traffic. His attention is on the driving experience and the control over his vehicle, making him feel alive and engaged. His driving is an adult activity that provides satisfaction, not just to himself but also potentially to his less mature sides. 4. **The Aware Person**: This individual is fully present and refuses to rush, embracing the moment and everything in the environment, like the sky and trees. Hurrying would mean ignoring these elements and focusing only on unseen future events or obstacles. This person lives fully in the present, aware of the environment and themselves. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 172](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=171) During a trip to Central Park via subway, a Chinese man and his Caucasian friend decided to take an express train instead of a local one, saving them twenty minutes. When they arrived, the Chinese man chose to sit on a bench to enjoy the surroundings, explaining that since they saved time, they could now use it to appreciate their environment. This illustrates the concept of awareness, where one is fully conscious of their feelings, location, and the present moment. The man recognizes that life is fleeting and chooses to experience the beauty around him deeply while he can. Spontaneity refers to the freedom to choose and express one's emotions freely from a range of feelings (those of a Parent, Adult, or Child). It is about being free from the need to conform to learned emotional responses and games. Intimacy is characterized by the honest, unguarded interaction of a person who perceives the world vividly and lives in the moment. Research shows that this type of perception fosters affection and honesty, leading to positive feelings. Interestingly, there's a concept known as 'one-sided intimacy', where a person, often a skilled seducer, encourages another to open up and be candid while they themselves remain emotionally guarded. Intimacy naturally flows from the genuine, uncorrupted 'Child' aspect of our personality, free from psychological or social complications. It usually thrives unless disrupted by learned behaviors or parental influences, which, unfortunately, is quite common. Initially, most infants are inherently loving, which is the true essence of intimacy. *** #### spontaneity offers freedom to choose among genuine emotions, liberating one from the confines of learned behaviors and feelings Spontaneity. Spontaneity means option, the freedom to choose and express one’s feelings from the assortment available (Parent feelings, Adult feelings and Child feelings). It means liberation, liberation from the compulsion to play games and have only the feelings one was taught to have. [Page 172](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=171&start=629&length=289&search=Spontaneity.%20Spontaneity%20means%20option,%20the%20freedom%20to%20choose%20and%20express%20one%E2%80%99s%20feelings%20from%20the%20assortment%20available%20(Parent%20feelings,%20Adult%20feelings%20and%20Child%20feelings).%20It%20means%20liberation,%20liberation%20from%20the%20compulsion%20to%20play%20games%20and%20have%20only%20the%20) | | | | :--: | ---- | | 🪐 | [spontaneity offers freedom to choose among genuine emotions, liberating one from the confines of learned behaviors and feelings](brain://api.thebrain.com/9yXepDzbiEeuwf3MqykREA/rSmLAFYawEqTpK_muy6RkQ/SpontaneityOffersFreedomToChooseAmongGenuineEmotionsLiberatingOne) | | 📚 | [[📚Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne#spontaneity offers freedom to choose among genuine emotions, liberating one from the confines of learned behaviors and feelings]] | | 📚 | [[📚Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne#Self-actualization in flow enhances complexity, evoking awakening and intimacy, transcending mere sexual attraction]] | | 🌲 | [[🌲Individuals immersed in self-actualization radiate an alluring aura of bold defiance, humble devotion, and playful self-awareness that serves as a source of sexual attraction rooted in personal growth#spontaneity offers freedom to choose among genuine emotions, liberating one from the confines of learned behaviors and feelings]] | | 🗿 | [[🗿Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne#spontaneity offers freedom to choose among genuine emotions, liberating one from the confines of learned behaviors and feelings]] | At any moment, a person's behavior can be classified into one of several categories: **Class I: Internally Programmed (archaeopsychic)** - This involves behavior that is deeply ingrained and often unconscious: - **Autistic behavior**, which includes dreams and fantasies. - **Extraneous fantasies** are about wishes and desires. - **Autistic transactions** can be unadapted (not fitting with reality) or adapted (adjusted to fit with new mental frameworks). - **Fugues** and **delusional behavior** relate to losing touch with reality. - **Involuntary actions** such as tics, mannerisms, and slip-ups (parapraxes). **Class II: Probability Programmed (neopsychic)** - This covers behavior that is tested against reality: - **Activities**, which include work (professions, trades) and leisure (sports, hobbies). - **Procedures**, which involve processing data and various techniques. **Class III: Socially Programmed (partly exteropsychic)** - This includes behavior shaped by social interactions: - **Rituals and ceremonies** and **pastimes** represent structured social activities. - **Operations and maneuvers** are strategic interactions. - **Games** are structured social interactions with specific roles and expected behaviors, divided into: - **Professional games** (angular transactions) involve more formal, possibly competitive interactions. - **Social games** (duplex transactions) are everyday social interactions. - **Intimacy** represents close, personal connections free from structured games. This classification helps understand how various behaviors fit into larger patterns of human psychology and social interaction. The categories are designed to be practical and useful for those who benefit from a structured understanding of human actions. #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 24](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=23) ==When observing people's natural social behavior, especially in certain therapy groups, it's clear that they often change their posture, viewpoint, voice, vocabulary, and other behaviors. These changes usually go along with shifts in their feelings. For each person, a certain set of behaviors matches a specific state of mind, while a different set matches another mood, often conflicting with the first. These changes lead to the concept of ego states.== ==In simpler terms, an ego state is a group of feelings and the behaviors that go with them. Each person has a few of these ego states, which are real psychological states, not just roles. These can be grouped into three types: (1) ego states similar to those of parental figures, (2) ego states focused on objectively assessing reality, and (3) ego states that are old patterns from early childhood. These are technically called exteropsychic, neopsychic, and archaeopsychic ego states. But in everyday language, they are known as Parent, Adult, and Child.== These terms are used in most discussions. So, at any time, each person in a group will show a Parent, Adult, or Child ego state, and they can switch between these states easily. From these observations, we can make certain judgments. For example, when someone says, "That is your Parent," they mean you are in the same mental state as one of your parents or a parental figure, and you are reacting as they would. ##### When observing people's natural social behavior, especially in certain therapy groups, it's clear that they often change their posture, viewpoint, voice, vocabulary, and other behaviors. These changes usually go along with shifts in their feelings. For each person, a certain set of behaviors matches a specific state of mind, while a different set matches another mood, often conflicting with the first. These changes lead to the concept of ego states. ##### In simpler terms, an ego state is a group of feelings and the behaviors that go with them. Each person has a few of these ego states, which are real psychological states, not just roles. These can be grouped into three types: (1) ego states similar to those of parental figures, (2) ego states focused on objectively assessing reality, and (3) ego states that are old patterns from early childhood. These are technically called exteropsychic, neopsychic, and archaeopsychic ego states. But in everyday language, they are known as Parent, Adult, and Child. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 25](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=24) "When you act with the same posture, gestures, vocabulary, and feelings, that's your Adult. This means you are making an independent, clear assessment of the situation and sharing your thoughts, issues, or conclusions in a fair way. 'That is your Child' means you are reacting in a way that is similar to how you would have when you were very young. Here are the main ideas: 1. ==Everyone has had parents or parent figures, and they carry these influences inside them. These influences can show up in certain situations. In simple terms, this means you carry your parents' influence inside you.== 2. ==Everyone, including children, people with mental disabilities, and those with mental health issues, can think clearly and make sense of information if they are in the right mindset. Simply put, everyone has an 'Adult' side.== 3. ==Everyone was once younger, and they carry memories and behaviors from that time which can show up in certain situations. In other words, everyone has a little child inside them.== At this point, a structural diagram, Figure 1A, is useful. This diagram shows the complete personality of a person, including their Parental, Adult, and Child aspects. These parts are separate because they are different and often don't match. To avoid confusion, we'll use lowercase 'parents', 'adults', and 'children' for actual people, and uppercase 'Parent', 'Adult', and 'Child' when talking about these parts of the personality. Figure 1B is a simpler version of this diagram." ##### Everyone has had parents or parent figures, and they carry these influences inside them. These influences can show up in certain situations. In simple terms, this means you carry your parents' influence inside you. ##### Everyone, including children, people with mental disabilities, and those with mental health issues, can think clearly and make sense of information if they are in the right mindset. Simply put, everyone has an 'Adult' side. ##### Everyone was once younger, and they carry memories and behaviors from that time which can show up in certain situations. In other words, everyone has a little child inside them. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 26](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=25) Before moving on from structural analysis, we need to discuss some complexities. First, we don't use the word "childish" in structural analysis because it often suggests something negative that should be stopped or removed. Instead, we use "childlike" to describe the Child ego state, which is an older pattern in the personality. This term is more neutral. ==In fact, the Child part of our personality is very important. It brings the same benefits to a person's life as a real child does to a family: charm, pleasure, and creativity. If this part of someone is troubled, it can lead to problems, but there are ways to help improve the situation.== Second, the terms "mature" and "immature" are not used in this system. ==There's no such thing as an "immature person." Instead, there are people where the Child takes over when it shouldn't, but these people have a well-developed Adult side that just needs to be brought out or activated. On the other hand, people considered "mature" are those who can keep their Adult in control most of the time. However, their Child will sometimes take over, often leading to unexpected results.== Third, the Parent is shown in two ways, direct and indirect. When it's directly active, a person responds as their own father or mother would. ##### In fact, the Child part of our personality is very important. It brings the same benefits to a person's life as a real child does to a family: charm, pleasure, and creativity. If this part of someone is troubled, it can lead to problems, but there are ways to help improve the situation. ##### There's no such thing as an "immature person." Instead, there are people where the Child takes over when it shouldn't, but these people have a well-developed Adult side that just needs to be brought out or activated. On the other hand, people considered "mature" are those who can keep their Adult in control most of the time. However, their Child will sometimes take over, often leading to unexpected results. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 26](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=25) ==When a child directly responds to their parents' actions, they follow the "Do as I do" approach. When the influence is indirect, the child follows the "Don't do as I do, do as I say" rule. In the first case, the child becomes like their parents. In the second case, the child changes to meet their parents' expectations.== ==The Child shows up in two ways: the adapted Child and the natural Child. The adapted Child changes their behavior based on what their parents want. They might act obediently or shyly, or they might withdraw or complain. This means the parents' influence causes the adapted Child's behavior. The natural Child is more spontaneous, showing rebellion or creativity.== When people drink alcohol, it usually affects the Parent part of their personality first. This lets the adapted Child break free from the parents' influence and become more like the natural Child. Usually, for understanding personality in games, you don't need to go beyond these basics about personality structure. ==Ego states are normal and are part of how the brain works. The brain organizes our mental life into ego states.== Research by Penfield and others supports this. Other systems in the brain, like memory, also sort information, but ego states are the natural way we experience shifts in our mind. ==Each ego state is important for the person. The Child part has intuition, creativity, and natural joy and energy. The Adult part is crucial for survival, processing information, and making decisions to navigate the world.== For example, crossing a busy street requires the Adult to analyze the speed of cars to safely reach the other side. ##### When a child directly responds to their parents' actions, they follow the "Do as I do" approach. When the influence is indirect, the child follows the "Don't do as I do, do as I say" rule. In the first case, the child becomes like their parents. In the second case, the child changes to meet their parents' expectations. ##### The Child shows up in two ways: the adapted Child and the natural Child. The adapted Child changes their behavior based on what their parents want. They might act obediently or shyly, or they might withdraw or complain. This means the parents' influence causes the adapted Child's behavior. The natural Child is more spontaneous, showing rebellion or creativity. ##### Ego states are normal and are part of how the brain works. The brain organizes our mental life into ego states. ##### Each ego state is important for the person. The Child part has intuition, creativity, and natural joy and energy. The Adult part is crucial for survival, processing information, and making decisions to navigate the world. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 28](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=27) Successful tasks of this type provide some of the excitement found in skiing, flying, sailing, and other moving sports. ==Another job of the Adult is to control the activities of the Parent and the Child, and to fairly settle differences between them.== ==The Parent has two main roles. First, it helps a person act as a parent to their own children, which is important for human survival.== This is seen in how people who were orphaned as babies often find it harder to raise children compared to those who grew up in stable homes until adolescence. ==Second, it makes many responses automatic, saving a lot of time and energy. Many things are done because "That's the way it's done." This lets the Adult avoid making many small decisions, so it can focus on bigger issues, leaving routine tasks to the Parent.== ==All three parts of the personality are very important for survival and living well. Problems only arise when one part disrupts the balance, needing analysis and reorganization.== Otherwise, each part, Parent, Adult, and Child, deserves equal respect and has its place in a fulfilling and productive life. ##### Another job of the Adult is to control the activities of the Parent and the Child, and to fairly settle differences between them. ##### The Parent has two main roles. First, it helps a person act as a parent to their own children, which is important for human survival. ##### All three parts of the personality are very important for survival and living well. Problems only arise when one part disrupts the balance, needing analysis and reorganization. ##### Second, it makes many responses automatic, saving a lot of time and energy. Many things are done because "That's the way it's done." This lets the Adult avoid making many small decisions, so it can focus on bigger issues, leaving routine tasks to the Parent. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 29](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=28) Transactional Analysis is about how people interact in social settings. ==When two or more people meet, one will eventually acknowledge the others, starting the interaction. This is the transactional stimulus. Another person will respond in a related way, which is the transactional response. The goal is to figure out which part of their personality (ego state) started the stimulus and which responded.== The simplest interactions happen when both people respond from their Adult state. For example, a surgeon signals for a scalpel, and the assistant understands and gives it to him correctly. Another simple interaction is between the Child and Parent states, like when a sick child asks for water and the caring mother gives it. ==These interactions are called complementary because the responses are expected and fit naturally in the relationship.== ==These types of interactions can keep going smoothly as long as they are complementary. This means as long as each response matches the stimulus well, the conversation can continue without issues.== ==The success of these interactions depends on how well the responses and stimuli match, not on what is actually being discussed.== ##### When two or more people meet, one will eventually acknowledge the others, starting the interaction. This is the transactional stimulus. Another person will respond in a related way, which is the transactional response. The goal is to figure out which part of their personality (ego state) started the stimulus and which responded. ##### These types of interactions can keep going smoothly as long as they are complementary. This means as long as each response matches the stimulus well, the conversation can continue without issues. ##### These interactions are called complementary because the responses are expected and fit naturally in the relationship. ##### The success of these interactions depends on how well the responses and stimuli match, not on what is actually being discussed. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 30](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=29) Good communication happens when both people interact in a matching way, like gossiping (Parent-Parent), solving a problem (Adult-Adult), or playing (Child-Child or Parent-Child). However, communication stops when a crossed transaction occurs. The most common crossed transaction, which causes many social problems in relationships, friendships, or work, is shown as Crossed Transaction Type I. For example, if someone says, "Maybe we should find out why you've been drinking more lately," or, "Do you know where my cuff links are?" the expected Adult-Adult response would be, "Maybe we should. I'd like to know!" or, "On the desk." But if the response is angry, like "You're always criticizing me, just like my father did," or, "You always blame me for everything," these are Child-Parent responses, and the paths of communication cross. In such cases, the original Adult problem, like drinking or cuff links, has to be paused until the communication lines are fixed. This could take months in the drinking example or seconds in the cuff links case. The person who started the conversation might need to act like a Parent to match the other's Child state, or reactivate the other's Adult to continue the Adult-Adult conversation. If a maid gets upset during a talk about dishwashing, the discussion about dishes ends. The conversation can only continue as a Child-Parent talk, or shift to a different Adult topic, like her job. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 31](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=30) Complementary Transactions are interactions where both people's responses match and work well together. But sometimes, interactions don't match like this; these are called Crossed Transactions. An example of a Crossed Transaction is when a patient says something logical and mature, but the therapist responds as if they were talking to a child. This is known as Crossed Transaction Type II. In daily life, if someone asks, "Do you know where my cuff links are?" and the response is "Why don't you keep track of your own things? You're not a child anymore," this is another example of a Crossed Transaction. The diagram in Figure 4 shows the nine possible ways people can interact. This diagram is not only about social interactions but also has interesting shapes and patterns that can be studied mathematically. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 32](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=31) There are three other matching transactions: (2–4) (4–2), (3–7) (7–3), and (6–8) (8–6). All other combinations are crossed transactions, often shown as crosses in the diagram. For example, (3–7) (3–7) leads to two people staring at each other without speaking. If neither gives in, their communication ends, and they must separate. Common solutions include one person changing to (7–3), starting a game of "Uproar"; or, ideally, both changing to (5–5)2, where they might laugh or shake hands. ==Simple matching transactions usually happen in basic work and social interactions, and are easily disrupted by crossed transactions. A simple relationship is defined as one that only involves simple matching transactions. These occur in activities, rituals, and pastimes. More complex are hidden transactions, where more than two ego states are active at the same time, forming the basis for games.== Salespeople are skilled at angled transactions involving three ego states. A basic example of a sales game is: Salesman: "This one is better, but you can't afford it." Housewife: "That's the one I'll take." ##### Simple matching transactions usually happen in basic work and social interactions, and are easily disrupted by crossed transactions. A simple relationship is defined as one that only involves simple matching transactions. These occur in activities, rituals, and pastimes. More complex are hidden transactions, where more than two ego states are active at the same time, forming the basis for games. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 33](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=32) In this scenario, the salesman's approach and the housewife's response demonstrate an ulterior transaction, where the conversation has layers of meaning beyond the surface level. 1. **Identify Ego States:** - **Salesman:** Starts in the Adult state, giving factual statements: "This one is better" and "You can't afford it." - **Housewife:** At the surface, seems to respond as an Adult, but the emotional, ulterior response comes from her Child state. 2. **Analyze the Transaction:** - **Surface Level (Social):** The salesman's statements are directed at the housewife's Adult, which would typically respond, "You are correct on both counts." - **Deeper Level (Psychological):** The salesman targets the housewife's Child with his factual statements, provoking an emotional response. 3. **Outcome of the Transaction:** - The housewife responds emotionally, indicating, "Regardless of the financial consequences, I'll show that arrogant fellow I'm as good as any of his customers." This shows her Child state reacting to the challenge presented by the salesman's Adult statements. 4. **Duplex Ulterior Transaction:** - ==A duplex ulterior transaction involves four ego states and is common in flirtation games==, like the cowboy saying to the visitor, "Come and see the barn," and the visitor responding with a childhood memory that has a deeper meaning. On the surface, this is an Adult conversation about barns, but underneath, it's a Child conversation about sex play. In both examples, while the Adult appears to lead, the outcome is determined by the Child state. This analysis helps in understanding how deeper motives and emotions influence seemingly straightforward interactions. ##### A duplex ulterior transaction involves four ego states and is common in flirtation games *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 55](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=54) Parents have also accepted a more common version of the game "If It Weren't For You" (IWFY), especially among busy young mothers. Even though these mothers are indeed busy, the analysis remains the same: given her busyness, how does she use it to gain some benefits? "External social advantage" means the benefits someone gets from their situation when interacting with others. For instance, in the game "If It Weren't For You," a wife might tell her husband it's his fault she can't do certain things. But when she's with her friends, this turns into "If It Weren't For Him." This shows how games influence who we choose as friends. For example, a new neighbor invited for coffee is being asked to play "If It Weren't For Him." If she joins in, she'll likely become close with the others. If she doesn't and speaks kindly of her husband, she might be left out, like someone who refuses to drink at cocktail parties. This ends the analysis of IWFY. To understand more, look at "Why Don't You – Yes But," a common game at social events, meetings, and therapy groups. This is explained further on page 101. ==From a child development perspective, raising children is like teaching them which games to play and how.== They also learn other social behaviors and rituals, but these are less important than the games. ##### From a child development perspective, raising children is like teaching them which games to play and how. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 56](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=55) ==Rituals and pastimes determine what chances a person will have, if everything else is the same. But the games he plays decide how he will use those chances, and what will happen in situations he's in. As parts of his unconscious life plan, his favorite games also decide his future, including his marriage, career, and how he will die, if everything else stays the same. While careful parents spend a lot of time teaching their kids rituals and pastimes for their social status, and carefully choose schools and churches that support these lessons, they often ignore the importance of games. These games form the core of each family's emotions, and kids learn them through important experiences from a very young age.== People have talked about related topics for thousands of years in a general way. There has been some more organized study in modern psychology, but without understanding games, it's hard to consistently study these issues. Theories about individual thoughts and feelings haven't fully explained human relationships. These involve interactions that need a theory of social dynamics, not just individual motivations. There aren't many experts in child psychology and game analysis, so there's not much information on how games start. Luckily, the following event happened with a skilled transactional analyst present. Tanjy, who is seven, got a stomach ache at dinner and asked to leave. His parents suggested he rest. Then his three-year-old brother Mike said, "I have a stomach ache too," hoping for the same treatment. The father looked at him and said, "You don't want to play that game, do you?" Mike laughed and said, "No!" ##### Rituals and pastimes determine what chances a person will have, if everything else is the same. But the games he plays decide how he will use those chances, and what will happen in situations he's in. As parts of his unconscious life plan, his favorite games also decide his future, including his marriage, career, and how he will die, if everything else stays the same. While careful parents spend a lot of time teaching their kids rituals and pastimes for their social status, and carefully choose schools and churches that support these lessons, they often ignore the importance of games. These games form the core of each family's emotions, and kids learn them through important experiences from a very young age. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 57](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=56) If Mike's family had been overly concerned about food or health, his parents would have sent him to bed if he acted sick. If this happened often, it might have become part of Mike's behavior. Whenever he felt jealous of someone else getting something he wanted, he would pretend to be sick to get similar benefits. His behavior would say, "I don't feel well" on the outside but mean "You must give me something, too" on the inside. However, Mike didn't end up this way because his dad's question and his honest answer stopped this pattern early on. This shows that young children can start these behaviors on purpose. Once these behaviors become a habit, it's hard to remember how they started and why they keep happening. To understand these patterns, therapy can reveal their beginnings and how they work. In therapy, it's clear that these behaviors are learned and often start in childhood. If therapists can get someone to revisit their childhood thoughts, they discover that even as children, they were very good at influencing others, so much so that they might be called "The Professor" of these behaviors. In therapy groups that focus on understanding these behaviors, they look for the "little Professor" in each person. They explore how this part of them started these behaviors between ages two and eight. Everyone listens with interest, and sometimes they even laugh about it. If the person can laugh at their own behaviors, they are making good progress. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 58](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=57) Letting go of a bad behavior pattern can be good for someone. This is why when describing a game, it's important to explain how it started in childhood. ==In daily life, there isn't much chance for close relationships, and some types of closeness are too intense for many people. So, most serious social time is spent playing games. Games are both necessary and good, and the main question is whether the games a person plays give them the best results. It's important to remember that the main point of a game is its ending, or payoff. The moves before this are to set up for this payoff, but they also aim to get as much satisfaction as possible at each step.== For example, in the game "Schlemiel" (making messes and then saying sorry), the goal is to get forgiveness forced by the apology; the messes and damage are just steps leading to this, but each mistake also brings its own joy. The joy from making a mess doesn't make it a game. The apology is the key event that leads to the end. Without the apology, the mess would just be a harmful act, maybe enjoyable. The game "Alcoholic" is similar. Whatever the physical reason for needing to drink, in game analysis, drinking is just a move in a game played with people around. The drinking may have its own pleasures, but it's not the core of the game. This is shown in "Dry Alcoholic," where the same moves are used. ##### In daily life, there isn't much chance for close relationships, and some types of closeness are too intense for many people. So, most serious social time is spent playing games. Games are both necessary and good, and the main question is whether the games a person plays give them the best results. It's important to remember that the main point of a game is its ending, or payoff. The moves before this are to set up for this payoff, but they also aim to get as much satisfaction as possible at each step. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 59](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=58) This game leads to the same result as the usual game, but is played without bottles. Some games are very important for certain people's mental health. These people are not very stable, and if they can't play their games, they might become very upset or even experience a mental breakdown. ==This is often seen in marriages where if one partner stops playing harmful games and gets better, the other partner might get worse because those games were keeping them stable.== ==It's important to be careful when analyzing these games. However, the benefits of a relationship without these games are so great that even people who are not very stable can give up their games if they find the right partner.== ==On a bigger scale, these games are part of each person's life plan or script. They help pass the time while waiting for the final outcome, either good or bad. If a person's script is positive, like "waiting for Santa Claus," they are likely to play nice games. But if their script is negative, like "waiting for rigor mortis to set in," they might play mean games.== Phrases like these are used a lot in game analysis and are common in therapy groups. The phrase "waiting for rigor mortis to set in" came from a patient's dream where she wanted to do certain things before she died. ##### This is often seen in marriages where if one partner stops playing harmful games and gets better, the other partner might get worse because those games were keeping them stable. ##### It's important to be careful when analyzing these games. However, the benefits of a relationship without these games are so great that even people who are not very stable can give up their games if they find the right partner. ##### On a bigger scale, these games are part of each person's life plan or script. They help pass the time while waiting for the final outcome, either good or bad. If a person's script is positive, like "waiting for Santa Claus," they are likely to play nice games. But if their script is negative, like "waiting for rigor mortis to set in," they might play mean games. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 60](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=59) A patient in an advanced group pointed out something the therapist missed: waiting for Santa Claus and waiting for death are the same. Since everyday sayings are key in game analysis, they will be explained more later. **Classifying Games** Most factors used to analyze games have been mentioned. These can be used to classify games systematically. Some main ways to classify them include: 1. **Number of players**: - Two-player games (like "Frigid Woman") - Three-player games (like "Let’s You and Him Fight") - Five-player games (like "Alcoholic") - Games with many players (like "Why Don’t You – Yes But") 2. **Currency used**: - Words (like "Psychiatry") - Money (like "Debtor") - Parts of the body (like "Polysurgery") 3. **Clinical types**: - Hysterical (like "Rapo") - Obsessive-compulsive (like "Schlemiel") - Paranoid (like "Why Does This Have to Happen to Me") - Depressive (like "There I Go Again") 4. **Zonal**: - Oral (like "Alcoholic") - Anal (like "Schlemiel") - Phallic (like "Let’s You and Him Fight") 5. **Psychodynamic**: - Counterphobic (like "If It Weren’t for You") - Projective (like "PTA") - Introjective (like "Psychiatry") 6. **Instinctual**: - Masochistic (like "If It Weren’t for You") - Sadistic (like "Schlemiel") - Fetishistic (like "Frigid Man") Other important factors are: 1. **Flexibility**: Some games, like "Debtor" and "Polysurgery," can only be played with one type of currency. Others, like exhibitionistic games, are more flexible. 2. **Tenacity**: Some people easily give up their games, while others stick to them. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 61](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=60) Some people play their games in a relaxed manner, while others are more intense and aggressive. These are known as easy and hard games. These differences can lead to games being gentle or violent. In people with mental health issues, there is often a progression in this intensity, and we can talk about different stages. A paranoid schizophrenic might start with a flexible, relaxed game like first-stage "Ain't It Awful" and move to a rigid, intense third stage. The stages of a game are: (a) A First-Degree Game is socially acceptable in the player's social group. (b) A Second-Degree Game causes no lasting harm but is usually kept secret from others. (c) A Third-Degree Game is serious and can end in medical emergencies, legal issues, or death. Games can also be categorized by other factors like goals, roles, and obvious benefits. The best way to classify games might be based on the existential position, but our understanding of this is not advanced enough yet. For now, a sociological classification is most practical. This will be used in the next section. Stephen Potter's humorous discussions of social tricks, or "ploys," and G. H. Mead's study of games in social life deserve recognition. Games that lead to mental health issues have been studied systematically at the San Francisco Social Psychiatry Seminars since 1958. T. Szasz has recently explored this area of game analysis. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 65](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=64) obsidian://open?vault=%E5%8C%97%E5%86%A5&file=%E7%94%9F%E5%91%BD%E6%BD%9C%E5%8A%9B%E8%A2%AB%E9%98%BB%E7%A2%8D%E7%9A%84%E5%B1%95%E5%BC%80%EF%BC%8C%E8%8D%92%E9%87%8E%E9%87%8C%E6%97%A0%E6%B3%95%E8%A7%A3%E9%99%A4%E7%9A%84%E8%AF%85%E5%92%92%E4%B8%8E%E6%B0%B8%E4%B8%8D%E7%BB%93%E6%9D%9F%E7%9A%84%E4%B8%96%E7%95%8C%E7%9A%84%E7%BA%A6%E5%AE%9A *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 174](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=173) ==Parents, deliberately or unknowingly, teach their children how to behave, think, feel, and perceive. Liberation from these influences is difficult because they are deeply ingrained and essential for survival during the first two or three decades of life==. Liberation is possible because individuals start off autonomous, capable of awareness, spontaneity, and intimacy, and can choose which parts of their parents' teachings to accept. Early in life, they decide how to adapt to these teachings, and since decisions are reversible, adaptation can be undone under favorable circumstances. Attaining autonomy involves overthrowing the irrelevancies discussed in previous chapters. ==This process is ongoing and requires constant effort. First, the weight of tribal or family tradition must be lifted, as seen with Margaret Mead’s villagers in New Guinea. Then, the influences of individual parental, social, and cultural backgrounds must be discarded. The same applies to the demands of contemporary society and the benefits of one's immediate social circle, which may need to be partly or wholly sacrificed.== The individual must also give up the easy indulgences and rewards of being a "Sulk" or a "Jerk," as described earlier. ==They must achieve personal and social control, making all behaviors (except perhaps dreams) free choices subject to their will.== ==Only then are they ready for game-free relationships, as illustrated in the paradigm of Chapter 15. At this point, they can begin to develop their capacities for autonomy.== ##### Parents, deliberately or unknowingly, teach their children how to behave, think, feel, and perceive. Liberation from these influences is difficult because they are deeply ingrained and essential for survival during the first two or three decades of life ##### This process is ongoing and requires constant effort. First, the weight of tribal or family tradition must be lifted, as seen with Margaret Mead’s villagers in New Guinea. Then, the influences of individual parental, social, and cultural backgrounds must be discarded. The same applies to the demands of contemporary society and the benefits of one's immediate social circle, which may need to be partly or wholly sacrificed. ##### They must achieve personal and social control, making all behaviors (except perhaps dreams) free choices subject to their will. ##### Only then are they ready for game-free relationships, as illustrated in the paradigm of Chapter 15. At this point, they can begin to develop their capacities for autonomy. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 176](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=175) ==Human life often seems like a process of filling time until death, with little choice in how we spend that time. However, for some fortunate people, there are experiences that transcend ordinary behaviors. These are awareness, spontaneity, and intimacy, which rise above past conditioning and provide more fulfillment than playing games. Yet, these experiences can be frightening and even dangerous for those who are unprepared. Perhaps some people are better off seeking solutions in common social activities like "togetherness." This might mean there's no hope for the human race as a whole, but there is hope for individual members.== ##### Human life often seems like a process of filling time until death, with little choice in how we spend that time. However, for some fortunate people, there are experiences that transcend ordinary behaviors. These are awareness, spontaneity, and intimacy, which rise above past conditioning and provide more fulfillment than playing games. Yet, these experiences can be frightening and even dangerous for those who are unprepared. Perhaps some people are better off seeking solutions in common social activities like "togetherness." This might mean there's no hope for the human race as a whole, but there is hope for individual members. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 172](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=171) A Chinese man and his Caucasian friend took an express train to save twenty minutes. When they arrived at Central Park, the Chinese man sat on a bench. He explained that since they saved twenty minutes, they could afford to sit and enjoy their surroundings for that long. An aware person knows how they feel, where they are, and when it is. They understand that after they die, the trees will still be there, but they won't be able to see them, so they want to appreciate them fully now. **Spontaneity:** This means having the option and freedom to choose and express one's feelings from different types (Parent feelings, Adult feelings, and Child feelings). It means being free from the compulsion to play games and only have the feelings one was taught to have. **Intimacy:** This means the spontaneous, game-free honesty of an aware person, the natural and uncorrupted Child living in the present. Experimentally, it has been shown that clear perception evokes affection, and honesty mobilizes positive feelings. There is even "one-sided intimacy," known to professional seducers who capture their partners' affection without becoming involved themselves by encouraging openness and making a guarded pretense of reciprocation. ==Intimacy, essentially a function of the natural Child, tends to turn out well if not disturbed by games. Usually, adaptation to parental influences spoils it, a nearly universal occurrence==. However, most infants seem to be loving before they are corrupted, which is the essential nature of intimacy, as shown experimentally. ##### Spontaneity: This means having the option and freedom to choose and express one's feelings from different types (Parent feelings, Adult feelings, and Child feelings). It means being free from the compulsion to play games and only have the feelings one was taught to have. ##### Intimacy: This means the spontaneous, game-free honesty of an aware person, the natural and uncorrupted Child living in the present. Experimentally, it has been shown that clear perception evokes affection, and honesty mobilizes positive feelings. ##### Intimacy, essentially a function of the natural Child, tends to turn out well if not disturbed by games. Usually, adaptation to parental influences spoils it, a nearly universal occurrence *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 28](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=27) Successful computations of this type offer similar pleasures to those experienced in skiing, flying, sailing, and other mobile sports. ==Another role of the Adult is to regulate the activities of the Parent and the Child and to mediate objectively between them.== ==The Parent has two main functions. First, it helps individuals act effectively as parents to their own children, promoting the survival of the human race. Evidence of this value is seen in the fact that people orphaned in infancy often struggle more in raising children compared to those who grew up in stable homes until adolescence. Secondly, the Parent makes many responses automatic, conserving a lot of time and energy. Many actions are taken simply because "That’s the way it’s done," freeing the Adult from making countless trivial decisions. This allows the Adult to focus on more important issues while leaving routine matters to the Parent.== ==Thus, all three aspects of the personality—Parent, Adult, and Child—have high survival and living value. It is only when one of them disrupts the healthy balance that analysis and reorganization are needed. Otherwise, each aspect deserves equal respect and has its rightful place in a full and productive life.== **REFERENCES** 1. Penfield, W., "Memory Mechanisms," Archives of Neurology & Psychiatry, 67: 178–198, 1952. 2. Penfield, W., and Jasper, H., Epilepsy and the Functional Anatomy of the Human Brain, Churchill, 1954, Chapter 11. 3. Berne, E., "The Psychodynamics of Intuition," Psychiatric Quarterly, 36: 294–300, 1962. ##### Another role of the Adult is to regulate the activities of the Parent and the Child and to mediate objectively between them. ##### The Parent has two main functions. First, it helps individuals act effectively as parents to their own children, promoting the survival of the human race. Evidence of this value is seen in the fact that people orphaned in infancy often struggle more in raising children compared to those who grew up in stable homes until adolescence. Secondly, the Parent makes many responses automatic, conserving a lot of time and energy. Many actions are taken simply because "That’s the way it’s done," freeing the Adult from making countless trivial decisions. This allows the Adult to focus on more important issues while leaving routine matters to the Parent. ##### Thus, all three aspects of the personality—Parent, Adult, and Child—have high survival and living value. It is only when one of them disrupts the healthy balance that analysis and reorganization are needed. Otherwise, each aspect deserves equal respect and has its rightful place in a full and productive life. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 30](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=29) ==Gossiping involves Parent-Parent interactions, solving a problem involves Adult-Adult interactions, and playing together can involve Child-Child or Parent-Child interactions.== Communication is broken off when a crossed transaction occurs. The most common crossed transaction, causing most social difficulties in marriage, love, friendship, or work, is shown in Figure 3A as Crossed Transaction Type I. This type is the principal concern of psychotherapists and is typified by the classical transference reaction of psychoanalysis. The stimulus is Adult-Adult: for example, "Maybe we should find out why you’ve been drinking more lately," or, "Do you know where my cuff links are?" The appropriate Adult-Adult response would be, "Maybe we should. I’d certainly like to know!" or, "On the desk." If the respondent flares up, the responses might be, "You’re always criticizing me, just like my father did," or, "You always blame me for everything." These are Child-Parent responses, and the vectors cross. In such cases, the Adult problems about drinking or cuff links must be suspended until the vectors can be realigned. This may take several months in the drinking example or a few seconds in the case of the cuff links. Either the agent must become Parental to complement the respondent’s suddenly activated Child, or the respondent’s Adult must be reactivated to complement the agent’s Adult. If the maid rebels during a discussion of dishwashing, the Adult-Adult conversation about dishes is finished; there can only be a Child-Parent discourse or a discussion of a different Adult subject, namely her continued employment. ##### Gossiping involves Parent-Parent interactions, solving a problem involves Adult-Adult interactions, and playing together can involve Child-Child or Parent-Child interactions. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 57](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=56) being liberated from the constraints of these early games. Recognizing and understanding the origins and functions of these patterns can lead to healthier interactions and behaviors. In Mike’s case, his father’s intervention and Mike’s honest admission disrupted the formation of a potentially problematic behavior pattern. ==This incident highlights how games, as psychological patterns, are deliberately initiated by children but can become ingrained over time if reinforced by their environment.== Games often originate from the Adult aspect of a child's personality, known as the "neopsychic" aspect. This part of the personality is skilled in manipulating social interactions to achieve desired outcomes. In therapy, identifying and addressing the role of this "Professor" within each person can be crucial. By recalling and analyzing early instances of game-playing, individuals can gain insight into their behaviors and motivations. In group therapy, sharing these early experiences often leads to a collective understanding and even amusement, as participants recognize similar patterns in their own lives. ==This shared exploration can be both enlightening and therapeutic, helping individuals to break free from the repetitive cycles of their early psychological games and develop more authentic and healthy ways of interacting with others.== ##### This incident highlights how games, as psychological patterns, are deliberately initiated by children but can become ingrained over time if reinforced by their environment. ##### This shared exploration can be both enlightening and therapeutic, helping individuals to break free from the repetitive cycles of their early psychological games and develop more authentic and healthy ways of interacting with others. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 12](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=11) initial formulations of the theory of transactional analysis. His contribution to this book has been invaluable. ==The ultimate purpose of transactional analysis is to provide people with the means to change their destructive behaviors and lead more fulfilling lives. This book aims to expose the psychological games people play, often subconsciously, that prevent them from achieving true intimacy and satisfaction in their relationships. By recognizing these patterns, individuals can begin to understand their motivations and work towards more genuine and productive interactions.== ==Each game described in Part II is a common, recurring social pattern, characterized by predictable sequences of behavior and outcomes. These games often serve to reinforce negative self-concepts and unhealthy dynamics.== The theoretical framework provided in Part I lays the foundation for identifying and analyzing these games, while the new clinical insights in Part III offer practical strategies for breaking free from these patterns. It is my hope that this book will serve as a valuable resource for both professionals and laypersons interested in understanding the complexities of human interactions and in fostering healthier, more authentic relationships. ==By bringing these hidden games to light, we can begin to dismantle the barriers to genuine connection and personal growth.== ##### The ultimate purpose of transactional analysis is to provide people with the means to change their destructive behaviors and lead more fulfilling lives. This book aims to expose the psychological games people play, often subconsciously, that prevent them from achieving true intimacy and satisfaction in their relationships. By recognizing these patterns, individuals can begin to understand their motivations and work towards more genuine and productive interactions. ##### Each game described in Part II is a common, recurring social pattern, characterized by predictable sequences of behavior and outcomes. These games often serve to reinforce negative self-concepts and unhealthy dynamics. ##### By bringing these hidden games to light, we can begin to dismantle the barriers to genuine connection and personal growth. *** #### [Games People Play - the Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne Page 44](x-devonthink-item://7F311C28-A8E7-4055-BF3D-7C3347DA1B78?page=43) **Wardrobe** Mr. J here is a writer, politician, and surgeon, and he'd love to play "Look Ma No Hands." Wouldn’t you, Mr. J? Another advantage of pastimes is that they confirm roles and stabilize positions. A role is similar to what Jung calls persona, but it is less opportunistic and more deeply rooted in an individual’s fantasies. In Projective 'PTA', one player may act as a tough Parent, another as a righteous Parent, a third as an indulgent Parent, and a fourth as a helpful Parent. All these players display a Parental ego state, but each presents himself differently. Each role is confirmed if it prevails—meaning if it encounters no antagonism, is strengthened by any antagonism, or is approved by certain people with stroking. Confirming one's role stabilizes the individual's position, known as the existential advantage from the pastime. A position is a simple predicative statement influencing all of an individual’s transactions. In the long run, it determines his destiny and often that of his descendants. A position can be absolute. Typical positions for Projective 'PTA' include: “All children are bad,” “All other children are bad,” “All children are sad,” and “All children are persecuted.” These positions might create the roles of tough, righteous, indulgent, and helpful Parent, respectively. A position is primarily manifested by the mental attitude it creates, and this attitude drives the transactions that form the individual's role. ==Positions are adopted surprisingly early, from as young as the first or second year of life up to the seventh year—long before the individual is competent or experienced enough to make such a serious commitment. It is easy to deduce from an individual’s position the kind of childhood he must have had. Unless something or someone intervenes, he spends the rest of his life stabilizing his position and managing situations that threaten it—by avoiding them, warding off certain elements, or manipulating them provocatively so that they turn threats into justifications. One reason pastimes are so stereotyped is that they serve such stereotyped purposes. But the gains they offer explain why.== ##### Positions are adopted surprisingly early, from as young as the first or second year of life up to the seventh year—long before the individual is competent or experienced enough to make such a serious commitment. It is easy to deduce from an individual’s position the kind of childhood he must have had. Unless something or someone intervenes, he spends the rest of his life stabilizing his position and managing situations that threaten it—by avoiding them, warding off certain elements, or manipulating them provocatively so that they turn threats into justifications. One reason pastimes are so stereotyped is that they serve such stereotyped purposes. But the gains they offer explain why. ***