# One-Liners >[!summary] >[[Humour]]ous one-liners. ## Saying a Few Words at a Wedding (devised by me) We are often asked, at weddings, to "say a few words" about this or that. "Saying a few words" seemed to be code for "I'm going to talk till you want to shoot yourself". In this context, I noted the following in my notebook, as my response to such a request. >[!quote] "I've been asked to say a few words on this special occasion; so... here we go. Mustard. Decanter. Adiabatic. And, of course, philately. Thank you." ## Serenity Prayer for Cynics Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the ones I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies where they'll never be found. ## Bumper Stickers There's a special art to making it funny *and* fit on a bumper sticker. - Dain bramaged - Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway - Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel - Boldly going nowhere - CAUTION — Driver legally blonde! - Heart Attacks…God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends - He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged - Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window! - How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? - Axe me about Ebonics - CATS: The other white meat - Don't be sexist — broads hate that - I'm an imbecile and I vote - Money Isn't Everything… But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch - If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now - Saw it… Wanted it… Had a fit… Got it! - WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition - Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass? - If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! - Your gene pool needs a little chlorine. - You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you! - Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. - JESUS SAVES…He passes to Gretzky…Gretzky shoots…He scores! - You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT - Save Your Breath — You'll need it to blow up your date! - Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. - Grow your own dope, plant a man - All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets - Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. - I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. - WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. - BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. - I need someone really bad…Are you really bad? - Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. - All men are idiots….I married their king. - The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. - IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. - Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. - Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. - Out of my mind…Back in five minutes. - Hang up and drive. - Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. - I took an IQ test and the results were negative. - Where there's a will…I want to be in it. - It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. - We are born naked, wet, and hungry….Then things get worse. - Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. - Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. - Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? - Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home. - Always remember you're unique…Just like everyone else. - Honk If You Want To See My Finger ## Definitions - avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. - enailed: To be arrested for a crime as a result of investigation of one's email. - pairanoia, n. fear of twins. The following are attributed to Raymond Powers and others, via the Washington Post MENSA Invitational Readers are asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. - Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. - Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. - Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with. - Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. - Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. - Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. - Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. - Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. - Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. - Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. - Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. - Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer. - Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. - Glibido: All talk and no action. - Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. - Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. - Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. - Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. - Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. - Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. - Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk. - Willy-Nilly, adj. impotent. - Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. - Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp. - Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash. - Flatulance, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. - Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline. - Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam. - Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. - Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist. - Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. - One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. ## George Carlin’s One-liners - The main reason Santa is so jolly is it because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, sage of our times, has these pearls of wisdom for us. - Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where's the self help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - What if there were no hypothetical questions? - If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? - If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him … is he still wrong? - If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? - Is there another word for synonym? - Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? - Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all” ? - What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an edangered plant? - If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? - Would a fly without wings be called a walk? - Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? - If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? - If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? - Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? - How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? - Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? - What was the best thing before sliced bread? - One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. - Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? - Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? - How is it possible to have a civil war? - If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? - If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? - If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? - Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp”; to have an “S” in it? - Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”? - Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? - Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? - If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? - Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? - Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. - Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? - OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs”, what does that make the Tennessee Titans ? - If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it? - There are three religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah; Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith; and Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. - If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? - If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? - Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? - Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? - If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you Put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? - When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? - If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why isn't a person who drives a race car called a racist? - Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? - Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? - Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? - “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? - If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? - Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? - What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? - I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me… they're probably cramming for their final exam. - I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered…what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? - Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? - If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? - You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. - No one ever says, “It's only a game” when their team is winning. - Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? - Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. - If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? - Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? - How come wrong numbers are never busy? - Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? - Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip? - Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? - Does killing time damage eternity? - Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? - Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? - Why is it that night falls but day breaks? - Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? - Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? - Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? - Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop? - Day light savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it? - Did Noah keep his bees in archives? - Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? - Do pilots take crash-courses? - Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as “4's”? - Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? - Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just hipped out a quarter? - Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? - Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? - How can there be self-help “groups”? - How do you get off a non-stop flight? - How do you write zero in Roman numerals? - How many weeks are there in a light year? - If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday”? - If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? - If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? - If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends too? - If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? - If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? - If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made of? - If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? - If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? - If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? - If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? - If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? - If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? - If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? - Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child? - Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot? - Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game,” when we're already there? - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? ## Medical Bloopers These are quotes allegedly by medical professionals. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - On the 2nd day the knee was better and in the 3rd day it disappeared completely. - She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - Discharge status: Alive but without permission. - Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused an autopsy. - The patient has no past history of suicides. - Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. - Patient's past medical history has been remarkable insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days. - Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. - She is numb from her toes down. - While in the ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. - The skin was moist and dry. - Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. - Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - Skin: Somewhat pale but present. - The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. - Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. - Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. - Patient has 2 teenage children, but no other abnormalities. ## Funny Squawks Squawks are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Legend: (P) = Problem (complaint); (S) = Solution (reply) (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level. (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground. (P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they're there for. (P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search. (P) Aircraft handles funny. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right,” and be serious. (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire. (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. (P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) #2 propeller seepage normal #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage. (P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit. (P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order. (P) Target Radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words. ## Modern Gods Many of these come from The Globe and Mail, 6 October 2007. - Afrotiedye: god of embarrassing school photos. - Tirametheus: goddess of overpriced deserts - I personally dispute “overpriced.” It is perfectly possible to find reasonably priced tiramisù, so I suggest “goddess of calorie-intensive highly addictive deserts.” - E-ros: god of naughty e-mails. - Pluto: god of downsizing. - Ceres: goddess of corn and the TV industry. - Apathia: goddess of — oh, whatever. - Styx: goddess of rail-thin supermodels. - Ralph: god of rough seas and poor sailors. - Appallo: god of celebrities behaving badly. - Sissyfuss: god of people who complain about minor inconveniences as if they were a lifetime of pushing rocks uphill. - Nabtune: god of Internet downloading. - Jugl: god of multitasking. - Erros: god of failed love affairs. - Notinsirvis: god of public transit. - Hernia: executive goddess of productions, Royal Commission Reports. - Rahim Ond: the universally adored one - Because Everybody loves Rahim Ond. (Say it out loud.) - Backus: god of politicians. - @las: god of e-mail addresses - Cheney: god of war. - YaWii: god of video games. - Mediocretes: god of the average student. ## The Wisdom of Steven Wright If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, you should be. Here's some of his gems. - I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…and replaced by exact duplicates. - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. - Half the people you know are below average. - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.) - I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - OK, so what's the speed of dark? - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. - I intend to live forever - so far, so good. - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - My mechanic told me, “I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. - Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. ## Cynical One-liners - There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. - There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don't. - Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. - I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. - Mental Floss prevents moral decay! - Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready. - Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home. - Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. - There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full. - I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. - Did you ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again? - A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. - I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem. - Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out. - If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! - Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way. - It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. - A prayer to Saint Venn: Please let me be the centre of the org chart. ## Generic One-liners - I'm not saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me. - Answering Machine Recording: “You have reached the breast self-examination hotline. Please press 1 now. Now press the other one.” - A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. - Be alert. The world needs more lerts. - I was wondering why the baseball seemed to be getting bigger. Then it hit me. ## When an F-Bomb is Appropriate One must take care to F-Bomb judiciously. Here are 11 historical cases when it was absolutely necessary. 11. “What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. “What the @#$% was that?” — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” — Custer, 1877 8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” — Einstein, 1938 7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” –Picasso, 1926 6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” — Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. “You want *what* on the @#$%ing ceiling?” — Michelangelo, 1566 4. “Where the @#$% am I?” — Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!” — Noah, 4314 BC 2. “Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” — Bill Clinton, 1999 1. “Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad!” — Saddam Hussein, 2003 ## Things You Can’t Say at Work - I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. - I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. - I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. - It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. - I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. - I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. - You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. - I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. - I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. - Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. - What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? - Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. - And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…? - Do I look like a people person? - This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. - Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. - If I throw a stick, will you leave? - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. - Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? - How do I set a laser printer to stun? - I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck. ## Things You Don’t Want to Hear during Your Surgery - “Someone call the janitor – we're going to need a mop.” - “Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!” - “Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.” - “What's this doing here?” - “Drats! There go the lights again…” - “Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.” - “I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.” - “I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.” - “That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!” - “Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.” - “Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?” - “Anyone know where I left that scalpel?” - “Und now ve remove ze subject's brain und place it in ze body of ze ape.” - “OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.” - “This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?” - “Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?” - “Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.” - “She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!” - “FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!” - “Uh oh! One page of the manual is missing!” ## Van Gogh’s Relatives - His dizzy aunt — Verti Gogh - The brother who ate prunes — Gotta Gogh - The brother who worked at a convenience store — Stop N. Gogh - The grandfather from Yugoslavia — U Gogh - The cousin from Illinois — Chica Gogh - His odd magician uncle — Weirdy Gogh - His Mexican cousin — A. Mee Gogh - The Mexican cousin's American half-brother — Gring Gogh - The nephew who drove a stage coach — Wells Far Gogh - The constipated uncle — Cant Gogh - The ballroom dancing aunt — Tang Gogh - The bird lover uncle — Flamin Gogh - His nephew psychoanalyst — E Gogh - The fruit loving cousin — Man Gogh - An aunt who taught positive thinking — Way To Gogh - The little bouncy nephew — Poe Gogh - A sister who loved disco — Go Gogh - And his niece who travels the country in a van — Winnie Bay Gogh …And there ya Gogh. ## You Know Your Mobile Device Owns You When... 1. You accidentally enter your hotmail password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have their e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.