## Metadata - Author: [[William R. Miller]] - Full Title: Listening Well - Category: #books - Topics: [[Coaching (Index)]], [[Relationships (Index)]], [[Communication]] ## ChatGPT summary I asked ChatGPT to summarize this book using my own outline of key ideas as well as external sources on the web as input. Here's the result: "Listening Well" by William Miller is an exploration of the art and science of empathic listening. The book delves deeply into the concept of "accurate empathy," which Miller defines as the ability to clearly understand what others are experiencing, essentially stepping into their shoes and viewing the world from their perspective. He uses the terms "empathic understanding" and "accurate empathy" interchangeably, emphasizing that this is not just a passive skill but an active, compassionate way of being with others that fosters openness and deep connection. Miller argues that while some aspects of empathy may be innate, the skill of accurate empathy is something that must be learned and practiced. This distinction is crucial because assuming our interpretations of others' feelings and thoughts are correct can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. He identifies three key points where communication often fails: the speaker's imprecise or incomplete expression, the listener's inaccurate hearing, and the listener's erroneous interpretation of the speaker's meaning. Accurate empathy aims to bridge these gaps, ensuring that the listener accurately decodes what the speaker intends to convey. Underpinning accurate empathy is a mindset that values seeing through another's eyes, stepping away from self-centeredness, and respecting and learning from differences. This mindset is essential for genuine understanding and connection. Miller also outlines various roadblocks to effective listening, such as advising, analyzing, or too much questioning, which can direct the conversation toward the listener's interests rather than fostering an open, accepting environment. He emphasizes the importance of nonverbal communication in showing undivided attention and the role of reflective listening in facilitating genuine understanding. Reflective listening involves making educated guesses about what the speaker means, often venturing beyond what has been explicitly said to help advance the conversation in a meaningful way. Additionally, Miller highlights the importance of affirming, which involves recognizing and appreciating the positive attributes in others. This practice not only strengthens relationships but also encourages a more empathetic approach to interactions. In summary, "Listening Well" by William Miller is a comprehensive guide to developing and practicing accurate empathy, a skill essential for deep and meaningful human connections. Through a combination of theory, practical examples, and exercises, Miller provides readers with the tools to improve their listening skills, fostering greater understanding, compassion, and connection in their relationships. %% ## Outline - Accurate empathy is the ability to understand clearly what other people are experiencing, to “get” them. It is the ability to step out of our own perspective and into another. - I use the terms “empathic understanding” and “accurate empathy” interchangeably in this book, to refer to the broader ability that underlies the use of specific listening skills. - Empathic understanding is an accepting and compassionate way of being with people that invites openness. - Accurate empathy has a way of deepening relationships, diving beneath the superficiality of ordinary small talk. Conversations now foster deeper understanding and connection. - When learning listening skills, practice with a goal of understanding others and letting them know that you understand. Don’t try to make anything happen, except to get better at what you are practicing. - To some extent empathy is innate, but accurate empathy is not. The fact that we can imagine what others are thinking and feeling does not mean that our guesses are correct. Yet most people most of the time assume that their interpretations are accurate and they act accordingly, which can be the source of a great deal of misunderstanding and conflict. - There are three places where communication can go wrong: - When the speaker expresses, they usually don't say exactly what they mean. - The listener might not hear exactly the same words that the speaker is saying. - The listener might erroneously decode what the speaker meant. - Accurate empathy is about preventing these issues. It is about closing the loop between what the speaker means and the meaning that the listener decodes. - There is a mindset underlying accurate empathy: - A first assumption is that it is valuable to see through another’s eyes, to “walk in their shoes,” to understand what they perceive and experience. - Second, there is a willingness not to be the center of attention. To be empathic is to step away from self-centeredness, to temporarily suspend your own “stuff” in the service of understanding. - A third mindset is that other people have much to teach us, especially those who are different from us in important ways. Empathic understanding involves respecting and valuing differences and learning from them. - There are many roadblocks to listening, such as telling, advising, persuading, analyzing, etc. - In your nonverbal communication, the key is to show that you are giving your undivided attention. - Asking questions is not the same thing as listening. In fact it can be a roadblock because you are directing the person’s attention toward topics of particular interest to you rather than just listening with acceptance. Most people do ask far too many questions when trying to be a good listener. - Reflective listening allows people to express and explore their own experience without interference. A reflection makes a guess about what the speaker means. However a good reflection is not phrased as a question but as a statement. - More skillful reflections take a small risk, offering a guess about what the Speaker may mean but hasn’t quite said. It really is like continuing the paragraph, guessing what might be the next sentence. A good reflection continues the story. Instead of merely rehashing what was said, you want to move the story forward. That in part is why it flows like a good conversation; you are helping the speaker continue the story instead of just echoing or placing roadblocks. - Affirming is the habit of seeing and affirming what is good in others. ## Highlights ### Preface - **There is a lot more involved in listening well than simply keeping quiet (although that can be a good start).** - This **ability** was originally called **accurate empathy**1 and it is more than just feeling for or with someone. **==It is something that you do, an “ability to perceive and communicate, accurately and with sensitivity, the feelings of the person and the meaning of those feelings.”==**2 ([Location 53](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=53)) - 1. Rogers, C. R. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality, and interpersonal relationships as developed in the client-centered framework. In S. Koch (Ed.), Psychology: The study of a science. Vol. 3. Formulations of the person and the social contexts (pp. 184-256). New York: McGraw-Hill. - **==I use the terms “empathic understanding” and “accurate empathy” interchangeably in this book, to refer to the broader ability that underlies the use of specific listening skills.==** ([Location 1596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1596)) - **The good news is that these important skills are learnable; you can get better at them.** ([Location 57](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=57)) - Relatively few people pick up these skills in the course of ordinary experience, but they are definitely learnable. ([Location 62](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=62)) - Perhaps the need has never been greater for a rebirth of empathic understanding and lovingkindness in society. The world continues to be torn by inhumanity and conflict. ([Location 63](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=63)) - **The capacity for empathic understanding is hardwired in our brains as a potential** favoring the survival of individuals and of humankind more generally. **Like other talents (such as sports and music), the emergence of this ability depends to some extent on individual capability and also on opportunity for practice.**4 ([Location 67](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=67)) - **Ultimately it’s a matter of integrating these skills into your daily life.** ([Location 70](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=70)) ### Chapter 1: Together - **The capacity to step out of our own perspective and into another (indeed, the awareness that there are realities other than our own)** is important in human development. **==This ability to perceive and identify with another person’s perspective is often called empathy==** and is an important part of human intelligence. ([Location 88](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=88)) - “Mirroring” systems in the brain literally duplicate electrical patterns of an action that is observed. ([Location 98](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=98)) - **It is built into us to read and guess what other people are thinking and experiencing. It is also clear that our guesses can be wrong, and often are.** We can misinterpret someone’s intention or misread what they are feeling or meaning. This is where the ability of empathic understanding or accurate empathy matters. It is an important skill for life together, and one that you can strengthen with practice. **Empathic understanding is not merely something that you have, but something that you do and experience.** ([Location 102](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=102)) - I suggest that you actually do these exercises, try them out with people who are willing to help you learn, perhaps with someone who would also like to learn. **Don’t try them at first in the hardest situations, like in the midst of conflict or tension. It is easiest to learn when you are relaxed, your mind is clear, and you can focus on what you are doing.** ([Location 110](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=110)) - **==Practice with a goal of understanding others and letting them know that you understand. Don’t try to make anything happen, except to get better at what you are practicing.==** ([Location 113](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=113)) ### Chapter 2: Accurate Empathy - Empathy is one of the most delicate and powerful ways we have of using ourselves. In spite of all that has been said and written on this topic, **it is a way of being that is rarely seen in full bloom in a relationship**. —Carl Rogers, “Empathic: An Unappreciated Way of Being”5 ([Location 119](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=119)) - **==To some extent empathy is innate, but accurate empathy is not. The fact that we can imagine what others are thinking and feeling does not mean that our guesses are correct. Yet most people most of the time assume that their interpretations are accurate and they act accordingly, which can be the source of a great deal of misunderstanding and conflict.==** ([Location 123](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=123)) - ==**What Empathy is Not**== - **Empathy (literally feeling in) is not the same as sympathy—feeling for or pitying someone.** Actually, sympathy involves a certain amount of distancing from the person, backing away and feeling bad for someone else (with emphasis on else, an other). ([Location 127](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=127)) - **Empathy is also different from apathy, the absence of feeling or caring.** Apathy implies disconnectedness, a lack of concern or interest. This can be mistaken for objectivity, observing an object without emotional connection. Empathy, in contrast, involves not only attention to but also connecting with the other person, an active interest in understanding what he or she is experiencing. ([Location 130](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=130)) - **Empathy is not the same thing as identifying with a person.** It does not require having had similar experience or having a similar feeling at the same time. Empathic understanding with a person who is angry does not require that you simultaneously feel anger yourself. ([Location 133](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=133)) - **A Learnable and Useful Skill** - **==Accurate empathy is the ability to understand clearly what other people are experiencing, to “get” them. In his classic novel Stranger in a Strange Land Robert Heinlein coined a verb to convey this: I grok you. I have a clear sense of what you mean.==** ([Location 138](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=138)) - Accurate empathy clarifies communication and strengthens relationships. ([Location 147](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=147)) - I hasten to add that there is more here than technique. Although there are specific skills that you can practice in order to become more proficient, empathic understanding over time becomes part of who you are. Being open to understanding the experience of others changes you. It is like the difference between practicing an instrument and being a musician. ([Location 149](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=149)) ### Chapter 3: How Accurate Empathy Works - Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. —Steven Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People ([Location 155](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=155)) - ![[Pasted image 20231121073340.png]] - A: **Before someone speaks or otherwise communicates, there is a hidden meaning. It is what is happening in the person’s mind and heart at that moment, set against the background of a lifetime of experience.** That is Box A on the lower left, marked Meaning. ([Location 163](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=163)) - Next there is Box B: **what the person says, the Spoken Words**. ([Location 165](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=165)) - Now move over to the right side of the diagram, which represents the listener. A first step is to get the words right, to **hear what the speaker actually said** (Box C). ([Location 169](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=169)) - Finally there is Box D on the lower right, also labeled Meaning. **Here the listener interprets what she or he heard. What does the speaker mean? It is always a guess, though often listeners are not conscious that their interpretation is actually a guess, an hypothesis.** ([Location 172](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=172)) - ==**There are three places where communication can go wrong**==, signified by the numbers inside the arrows. ([Location 174](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=174)) - **==Firstly (arrow 1), everyone knows that people don’t always say what they mean. In fact, any utterance contains only a small part of the rich inner experience from which it emerged.==** The speaker may not be good at putting their meaning into words, or might be speaking in a second or third language. ([Location 175](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=175)) - The spoken words are but a small part of the story, and that is the first place where clear communication can be derailed. ([Location 177](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=177)) - **==Secondly (arrow 2), the listener has to hear what was said. This can be hindered by many factors including inattention, distance, distraction, hearing impairment, or listening in what is not your own native language.==** ([Location 179](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=179)) - **==The third step (arrow 3) requires decoding what the speaker meant, an abundant source of misunderstanding.==** The listener quickly (and mostly unconsciously) runs each word through an inner dictionary of possible meanings, and from past experience assembles an interpretation of what was meant. ([Location 181](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=181)) - **==Accurate empathy is about closing the loop so that it goes right instead of wrong. At a simplistic level, it is finding out whether Box D is the same as Box A. Did I guess right?==** ([Location 198](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=198)) - **==The point here is that accurate empathy involves finding out whether your understanding is accurate rather than merely assuming that it is.==** ([Location 200](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=200)) - However, constantly asking, “Do I hear you right that . . .  ?” becomes maddeningly annoying and is just not how people normally talk to each other. The art is integrating accurate empathy within the normal flow of conversation, so that Speaker and Listener are aligned. That’s what takes real skill. ([Location 201](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=201)) - **For the speaker, this gift has several important values.** ([Location 206](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=206)) - **First of all, it communicates the listener’s caring and respect even without directly saying it**: “You matter to me. I want to understand what you mean and am willing to take the time to know you better. What you say and mean is important to me.” ([Location 207](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=207)) - **Secondly, it helps the speaker feel heard and understood.** There is no need to keep saying the same thing over and over again because the listener clearly gets it. ([Location 208](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=208)) - **And at least as important is a third value, that it helps speakers explore and more clearly understand their own experience.** ([Location 209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=209)) - **The gift is also valuable to the giver.** ([Location 211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=211)) - **For the listener it can head off misunderstandings and deepen relationships.** ([Location 211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=211)) - **I believe that practicing accurate empathy over time also changes the listener. With ability in empathic understanding can come greater acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, and humility.** ([Location 212](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=212)) ### Chapter 4: The Attitude of Empathic Understanding - **==There is a mindset or “heartset” with which one enters into a conversation when practicing accurate empathy.==** ([Location 221](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=221)) - **==A first assumption is that it is valuable to see through another’s eyes, to “walk in their shoes,” to understand what they perceive and experience.==** This actually is a prerequisite to clear communication, to realize that your guesses are incomplete at best. At the very least, don’t respond until you are sure that you understand. ([Location 224](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=224)) - **==Second, there is a willingness not to be the center of attention. To be empathic is to step away from self-centeredness, to temporarily suspend your own “stuff” in the service of understanding. Empathic understanding involves a genuine interest in and curiosity about the experience of others.==** ([Location 227](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=227)) - Listening beyond oneself brings the discovery of wisdom in others. **==Here is a third mindset: that other people have much to teach us, especially those who are different from us in important ways. Empathic understanding involves respecting and valuing differences and learning from them.==** ([Location 232](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=232)) - **==Beneath accurate empathy at a deeper level is compassion as an intention and habit of the heart. Compassion goes beyond mere interest in or curiosity about others. It is a desire for and commitment to their well-being. The more you understand another’s suffering, the more you long to lighten it.==**7 The more you listen deeply to others, the more you sense how alike and interconnected we are. ([Location 234](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=234)) ### Chapter 5: Roadblocks to Listening - Although most of us believe that we are good listeners, what we actually do in conversations is quite a different matter. ([Location 245](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=245)) - ==Here again I borrow from the writings of **Thomas Gordon** to describe **what the practice of good listening is not**:== - 1. **Directing** is telling someone what to do, as if giving an order or a command. ([Location 249](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=249)) - 2. **Warning** involves pointing out the risks or dangers of what a person is doing. This can also be a threat. ([Location 255](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=255)) - 3. **Advising** includes making suggestions and providing solutions, usually with the intention of being helpful. ([Location 261](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=261)) - 4. **Persuading** can be lecturing, arguing, giving reasons, or trying to convince with logic. ([Location 266](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=266)) - 5. **Moralizing** is telling people what they should do. ([Location 272](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=272)) - 6. **Judging** can take the form of blaming, criticizing, or simply disagreeing. ([Location 277](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=277)) - 7. **Agreeing** usually sounds like taking sides with the person, perhaps approving or praising. ([Location 283](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=283)) - 8. **Shaming** or ridiculing can include attaching a name or stereotype to what the person is saying or doing. ([Location 288](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=288)) - 9. **Analyzing** offers a reinterpretation or explanation of what the person is saying or doing. ([Location 294](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=294)) - 10. **Probing** asks questions to gather facts or press for more information. ([Location 300](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=300)) - 11. **Reassuring** can sound like sympathizing or consoling. ([Location 305](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=305)) - 12. **Distracting** tries to draw people away from what they are experiencing by humoring, changing the subject, or withdrawing. ([Location 310](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=310)) - **So What’s the Problem with Roadblocks?** - There are times and places where each of these might be appropriate. It’s just that they are not good listening, and if you want to develop accurate empathy skills it’s important to suspend these reflexive ways of responding. ([Location 318](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=318)) - **Roadblocks tend to divert people from their natural flow of experience.** The speaker must go around the roadblock in order to keep on exploring in the same direction, which can be diverting. ([Location 319](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=319)) - **There are also some implicit themes behind roadblock responses that get in the way of understanding. Intended or not, many of them take a one-up position: “I know best. Listen to me.”** ([Location 321](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=321)) ### Chapter 6: The Picture Without the Sound - Even without making a sound there are ways to communicate whether you are listening and understanding. ([Location 343](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=343)) - **==The key here is to show that you are giving your undivided attention.==** ([Location 348](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=348)) - One reasonably consistent signal that you are listening has to do with the eyes. When attending well a listener typically maintains fairly constant eye contact, whereas the speaker normally fluctuates between looking the listener in the eyes and looking away. ([Location 349](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=349)) - Usually an engaged listener will show variations in facial expression that in part mirror what the speaker is saying. ([Location 355](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=355)) - Good listening is also signaled by what you are not doing. Empathic listeners are not interrupting, looking around for someone more interesting, or checking their watches and fiddling with their electronic devices. ([Location 358](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=358)) ### Chapter 7: Asking Questions - **==Asking questions is not the same thing as listening. In fact it can be a roadblock because you are directing the person’s attention toward topics of particular interest to you rather than just listening with acceptance. Most people do ask far too many questions when trying to be a good listener.==** ([Location 382](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=382)) - Too many questions can feel like interrogation. A simple guideline is not to ask three questions in a row. ([Location 385](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=385)) - Closed questions invite a short answer, asking for specific information and thereby limiting the person’s options in answering. ([Location 388](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=388)) - Closed questions are more controlling, and a series of these puts the speaker into a passive role. ([Location 394](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=394)) - Open questions, in contrast, open the door for a wide range of possible answers. ([Location 396](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=396)) ### Chapter 8: Forming Reflections - Reflective listening9 requires the skills already discussed, of refraining from roadblocks (chapter 5) and giving your undivided attention (chapter 6). ([Location 442](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=442)) - Just like the “Do you mean that . . .  ?” questions of chapter 7, **==a reflection makes a guess about what the speaker means. However a good reflection is not phrased as a question but as a statement.==** ([Location 448](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=448)) - **So in order to turn a question into a reflection, remove the question words and also inflect your voice downward at the end so that it is a statement instead of a question.** ([Location 457](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=457)) - Linguistically a question places a demand on the person for an answer. It is a subtle pressure, a micro-interrogation. Statements typically don’t have that effect. ([Location 464](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=464)) - What happens when you offer a reflective listening statement? Typically the speaker keeps right on talking, moving along the same road without having to dodge a roadblock. **==Reflective listening allows people to express and explore their own experience without interference.==** ([Location 478](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=478)) - **==You are suspending your own “stuff,” the opinions and judgments and suggestions discussed as roadblocks in chapter 5. Your whole focus is to listen to and understand the inner experience of this speaker.==** ([Location 481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=481)) - Reflection is one skill in which there is no penalty for missing. People just tell you what they do mean. Thus over time you get better at guessing because every time you offer a reflection you receive immediate feedback. ([Location 484](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=484)) - How much farther, faster, and deeper a conversation can go when the listener takes time to offer good reflections instead of relying on questions! ([Location 505](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=505)) - The reflections move the conversation forward without jumping too far. I have called this form of reflection, “continuing the paragraph.” ([Location 509](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=509)) ### Chapter 9: Diving Deeper - **Merely repeating what a person says (sometimes called a simple reflection) sounds odd and usually doesn’t seem to go anywhere.** ([Location 541](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=541)) - **==More skillful reflections take a small risk, offering a guess about what the Speaker may mean but hasn’t quite said. It really is like continuing the paragraph, guessing what might be the next sentence.==** What might the Speaker mean by saying, “I had a pretty rough day today”? ([Location 550](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=550)) - **==Reflective listening is about making a guess (sometimes called complex reflection) based on what you see, hear, and know so far. It doesn’t matter if your initial guess is right or wrong. Either way you will both probably learn more.==** ([Location 557](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=557)) - **==A good reflection continues the story. Instead of merely rehashing what was said, you want to move the story forward. That in part is why it flows like a good conversation; you are helping the speaker continue the story instead of just echoing or placing roadblocks.==** ([Location 577](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=577)) - Reflective listening closes the communication loop so that the listener gradually comes to have more accurate understanding, better grasping the speaker’s inner meaning and experience. ([Location 583](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=583)) - **Accurate Empathy and Reflective Listening** - **==Reflective listening as described in this book is a particular practice, a learnable skill for improving your understanding of another person’s meaning. It is something that you do.==** ([Location 588](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=588)) - Empathic understanding or accurate empathy is more a way of being that emerges over time, and includes the underlying attitude described in chapter 4. ([Location 590](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=590)) - **==Empathic understanding is an accepting and compassionate way of being with people that invites openness.11 Reflective listening is a particular practice that fosters empathic understanding.==** ([Location 593](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=593)) - **Fine Tuning: Choosing Your Words** - **Understating and Overstating** - Some words reflect the intensity of what the speaker is saying, and it is possible to either overstate or understate it. ([Location 600](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=600)) - Intensity in reflection also has to do with the particular nouns, verbs, or adjectives that you use. Consider the example of words about anger. There are smaller words like irritated or annoyed; medium anger words like angry and mad; and great big words like fuming, irate, furious, and enraged. As you can imagine, it does matter which words you choose. ([Location 612](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=612)) - As a general guideline, if you want the person to continue expressing, lean toward understating. ([Location 624](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=624)) - **Analogies** - Another artful way to express understanding is to offer an analogy that compares the person’s experience to something that it’s like. ([Location 626](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=626)) - **The Music** - Finally, it matters not only what you say, but how you say it. This is the music of speech, and it can give very different meanings to the very same words. ([Location 639](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=639)) ### Chapter 10: Affirming - **==Affirming is the habit of seeing and affirming what is good in others.==** - To affirm what is good requires first that you notice it. ([Location 700](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=700)) - **Affirming can involve recognizing and commenting on someone’s strengths, efforts, steps in the right direction, or best intentions.** ([Location 706](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=706)) - To affirm what is good is a habit of caring— to notice, remember, and acknowledge the positive around us. ([Location 713](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=713)) ### Chapter 11: Expressing Yourself - ”I” Messages ([Location 734](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=734)) - **One fundamental practice in communicating is the “I message,” which can be particularly helpful in expressing feelings.** It involves taking responsibility for your own reactions rather than blaming others. ([Location 735](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=735)) - **Here’s a simple guideline: If the word “that” fits in logically after the word “feel,” then it’s not a feeling. More likely it’s a thought, an opinion, or a belief (though there may be an unspoken feeling attached).** ([Location 751](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=751)) - Again this is a contribution from Thomas Gordon, who further suggested how to use I statements to request a change. There are three parts to such an I statement: (1) your feeling, (2) the reason or context for the feeling, and (3) a specific request. ([Location 761](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=761)) - Partial Responsibility and Offer to Help ([Location 770](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=770)) - Assertiveness ([Location 778](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=778)) ### Chapter 12: Listening Well in Relationships - **Whether between individuals or groups, relationships necessarily involve differences.** The partners vary in their assumptions, characteristics, and preferences; they bring to the relationship different strengths and abilities. ([Location 819](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=819)) - **At least in intimate relationships, differences can be the very chemistry of attraction**, with each offering something that the other may long for or lack. Yet there is often then a temptation to try to remake the other in one’s own image, and if that project were to succeed it would dismantle the original basis for attraction! ([Location 820](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=820)) - Understanding and Valuing Differences ([Location 825](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=825)) - How is Reflective Listening Different from Conversation? ([Location 849](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=849)) - In a conversation or discussion, people take turns offering their own perspectives. Pure reflective listening does none of that. Its sole purpose is to understand the other person’s meaning and experience. ([Location 850](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=850)) ### Chapter 13: Empathic Understanding in Close Relationships - Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving. Love is primarily giving, not receiving. Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love. —Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving ([Location 922](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=922)) - **Listening well is an investment in the quality of a relationship.** ([Location 931](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=931)) - **Understanding or Problem Solving?** - **On the other hand, reflective listening alone isn’t very satisfying if the person really is looking for help and solutions. It’s possible to ask which way you should go.** - Collaboration: A Mutual Responsibility ([Location 1036](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1036)) - Empathy inspires compassion and action for the other’s well-being. ([Location 1036](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1036)) - The Power of P’s and D’s ([Location 1040](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1040)) - A direct approach that I have sometimes used when counseling couples is to have each person list their “P’s and D’s,” their Pleases and Displeases. P’s are things your partner does or can do that please you; they help you feel happy and loved. D’s on the other hand, are things that displease you; you may feel hurt or unhappy when your partner does these. ([Location 1041](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1041)) - **Asking for Change (Requests)** - People in relationship also need a way to ask for change from each other. ([Location 1080](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1080)) - Be clear that you are making a request. For example: “I’d like to ask you to do something for me,” ([Location 1081](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1081)) - Make your request specific. A general request like “I want you to be nicer” isn’t clear enough. You may know what you mean, but the other person probably doesn’t. ([Location 1083](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1083)) - Ask whether the person is willing to do this. 5. Express your appreciation to the person for listening. ([Location 1088](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1088)) - If you are receiving such a request, your role is to make sure that you understand. You might feel defensive, but first priority is to understand clearly what is being asked of you. Only then are you prepared to decide whether you are willing and able. ([Location 1091](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1091)) ### Chapter 14: Listening for Values - Conscious of it or not, we each have a system of values that guide how we perceive and behave in the world. We can help each other become more conscious of what we care most about, so that we may intentionally live with greater integrity to our core values. ([Location 1124](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1124)) - About Ambivalence ([Location 1168](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1168)) - Ambivalence is a conflict within, often the clashing of two or more values. ([Location 1169](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1169)) - I think that the most friendly thing you can do is to listen well to both (or all) sides of the dilemma without trying to fix it. ([Location 1196](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1196)) - What Do You Care Most About? ([Location 1197](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1197)) - One Hundred Possible Personal Values ([Location 1270](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1270)) ### Chapter 15: Listening Well in Conflict - **A peculiar thing often happens in conflict situations: people just stop listening to each other.** ([Location 1380](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1380)) - Listening Across Canyons ([Location 1399](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1399)) - If you listen well to these without putting up roadblocks, it becomes possible to move past specifics toward more general values and beliefs. Listen carefully and dive deeper. What do these instances suggest that the Speaker’s underlying ideals or principles may be? Reflect those, knowing that you are making a guess. What is “the Good” toward which the Speaker hopes to move? What are the positive values that seem to guide the person’s views? ([Location 1435](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1435)) - Listening in Tight Places ([Location 1446](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1446)) - Beyond Listening Well ([Location 1497](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1497)) - Empathic listening is a good beginning to understand each other’s perspectives and goals. ([Location 1503](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1503)) - When people are listened to well, they are often more willing to listen themselves. ([Location 1505](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1505)) - Mutual affirmation (chapter 10) can further diminish defensiveness and open up communication. ([Location 1507](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1507)) ### Chapter 16: The Promise of Empathic Understanding - **Accurate empathy has a way of deepening relationships, diving beneath the superficiality of ordinary small talk.** ([Location 1565](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1565)) - **==Conversations now foster deeper understanding and connection.==** - And here is a paradox, as so many truths tend to be. Something in most human beings reflexively wants to judge, correct, criticize, and punish shortcomings, as though we believe that people will change if only they can be made to feel bad enough about themselves. Yet precisely the opposite seems to be true. **Feeling unacceptable invokes a kind of paralysis that makes it very difficult to change. Ironically it is when we experience acceptance as we are, a momentary realization of unmerited respect and grace, that change becomes possible.** ([Location 1574](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1574)) - Part of the gift is to “go first,” to be willing to take the initiative and listen. It is a loving and contagious act to give your time and full attention by listening in order to understand. Being attuned to others is a choice that you can make in almost any situation. Ideally the attunement will be mutual. Going first in listening is an alternative to self-centeredness that can open the door to mutuality and collaboration. This will not always happen, of course, but without listening attunement, meaningful relationship is unlikely to happen at all. ([Location 1582](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07BQG1777&location=1582))