## Metadata - Author: [[Edgar H. Schein]] - Full Title: Humble Inquiry - Topics: [[Coaching (Index)]], [[Communication]] - Category: #books ## Summary See also: [[Helping]] ### TL;DR Definition: Humble Inquiry is the fine art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person. Inquiry is the engine of change. #### 1. Humble inquiry * **What**: Ask open-ended questions based on genuine curiosity and here-and-now humility/momentary dependence to achieve a task. Access your ignorance and let curiosity guide you. Ask for examples and clarification of statements. * **Outcomes**: Build the relationship, increase the client’s status, establish safety and receptivity, client owns the problem, gather unbiased information, identify the appropriate helper role. * **Examples**: * “What’s on your mind?” * “Can you give me an example?” #### 2. Diagnostic inquiry * **What**: Spotlight certain issues. Get curious about a specific aspect of the client’s story and focus their attention on it. Aspects include feelings and reactions, causes and motivation, actions, and the broader context of the story. * **Outcomes**: Lower the client’s status, influence the client’s mental process. * **Examples**: * “You seem frustrated with Chris. How’s that relationship going?” * “It sounds like there’s some tension on your team. What do you think is happening?” #### 3. Confrontational inquiry * **What**: Challenge their narrative. Take charge of both the process and the content of the conversation. Introduce new ideas and hypotheses. Substitute your understanding of the situation for theirs. Ask with curiosity and humility. * **Outcomes**: Build resistance, lower trust, helper owns the problem. * **Examples**: * “You’ve been talking about Chris’s shortcomings. How might you be contributing to the problem?” * “I understand that your team’s been under a lot of stress. How has turnover affected their ability to collaborate?” #### 4. Process-oriented inquiry * **What**: Focus on the conversation and relationship itself. Assess whether both parties’ relationship goals are being met. * **Outcomes**: Reset, state needs, recalibrate expectations. * **Examples**: * “What is happening here?” * “Is this too personal?” ### Chapter 1: Humble inquiry * Asking temporarily empowers the other person in the conversation and temporarily makes me vulnerable. It implies that the other person knows something that I need to or want to know. * A conversation that leads to a relationship has to be sociologically equitable and balanced. Each party invests and gets something of value in return. * Humility refers to granting someone else a higher status than one claims for oneself. * 1) **Basic humility**: Given by the cultural environment which dictates what traits deserve respect, in a way that I can’t escape from. Example: being part of the “upper class”. * 2) **Optional humility**: Given by the presence of people who derive status through their accomplishments. Optional since I can decide to avoid their presence by choosing my company and reference groups. * 3) **Here-and-now humility**: Given by being **temporarily dependent** on someone in a particular moment. The other person has the power to help or hinder me achieving my goal. * When you are dependent on someone to get a task accomplished, it is essential that you build a relationship with that person that will lead to open task-related communication. * Humble inquiry derives from an attitude of interest and curiosity. * Feelings of here-and-now humility are, for the most part, the basis of curiosity and interest. * My temporary subordination and vulnerability creates psychological safety for you and, therefore, increases the chances that you will tell me what I need to know and help me get the job done. ### Chapter 2: Humble inquiry in practice * Accessing your ignorance, or allowing curiosity to lead you, is often the best guide to what to ask about. * Asking for examples is one of the most powerful ways of showing curiosity, interest, and concern, but also of clarifying general statements. * Humble Inquiry is conveyed by the whole attitude, not just the specific questions that someone asks. * Humble Inquiry is not a checklist to follow or a set of prewritten questions—it is behavior that comes out of respect, genuine curiosity, and the desire to improve the quality of the conversation. ### Chapter 3: Differentiating humble inquiry from other kinds of inquiry * 1) **Humble inquiry** * Humble Inquiry **maximizes my curiosity** and interest in the other person and **minimizes bias** and preconceptions about the other person. * I want to **access my ignorance** and ask for information in the least biased and threatening way to best **discover what is really on the other person’s mind**. * Humble Inquiry **does not influence either the** **content** of what the other person has to say, **nor the** **form** in which it is said. * Examples: * “What’s happening?” * “What’s going on?” * “Can you give me an example?” * 2) **Diagnostic inquiry** * I get **curious about a particular thing** the other person is telling me and choose to focus on it. * I am steering the conversation and **influencing the other person’s mental process** in unknown ways. * Diagnostic focus: * 1) Feelings and reactions: Questions which focus others on their feelings and reactions in response to the events they have described or the problems that have been identified. * Example: “How did you feel about that?” * 2) Causes and motives: Questions about motivation or about causes that focus the others on their motivations in relation to something that they have been talking about. * Example: “Why did that happen?” * 3) Action oriented: Questions that focus others on what they did, are thinking about doing, or plan to do in the future. * Example: “What have you tried so far?” * 4) System oriented: Questions that build understanding of the total situation, including other people involved. * Example: “How do you think she felt when you did that?” * 3) **Confrontational inquiry** * I now insert my own ideas but in the form of a question. I’m tacitly giving advice. * I’m taking charge of both the process and content of the conversation. * Confrontational questions are often met with resistance and make it harder to build the relationship, depending on whether your motive is to be helpful and whether the relationship has enough trust built up. * Ask yourself what your motives are before asking a confrontational question: Am I feeling humble and curious or have I fallen into thinking I have an answer and am just testing out whether or not I am right? * Examples: * “Why didn’t you say something to the group?” * “Did that not make you angry?” * 4) **Process-oriented inquiry** * Shift the conversational focus onto the conversation and relationship itself. * Process-oriented inquiry enables both parties to assess whether their relationship goals are being met. It allows both parties to reset, to restate what they are there for, what they want, and, in other ways, recalibrate their expectations. * Examples: * “What is happening here?” * “Is this too personal?” ### Chapter 4: The culture of do and tell * The culture in which we grew up is the main inhibitor of humble inquiry. * Western culture is individualistic, competitive, optimistic, and pragmatic. We believe that the basic unit of society is the individual, whose rights have to be protected at all costs. We are entrepreneurial and admire individual accomplishment. We thrive on competition. * Problem 1: **Task accomplishment is more valued than relationship building**. Status and prestige are gained by task accomplishment * However, the world is becoming more technologically complex, interdependent, and culturally diverse. This makes the building of relationships more necessary to accomplish things. * Relationships are the key to good communication; good communication is the key to successful task accomplishment; and humble Inquiry, based on here-and-now humility, is the key to good relationships. * Problem 2: **Telling is more valued than asking**. To ask is to reveal ignorance and weakness. Knowing things is highly valued. We compete on who can tell the most—the most interesting story, the most outrageous adventure, the best joke, or the best movie they saw. Of course, outdoing someone else is only good if it is done within the cultural rules of etiquette. Embarrassing or humiliating someone in the conversation is not good. * Before giving advice, consider whether or not the person to whom you are telling this might have already thought of it. ### Chapter 5: Status, rank, and role boundaries as inhibitors * People’s perceptions about the appropriate behavior define the situation. These perceptions are shaped by social norms. * Relative status: One of the first things we do when entering a new situation is to gauge the relative status of the people who are present. The relative status and rank shape the situation. * Role relationship: The purpose for which people get together also defines the situation. * Task-oriented relationships: instrumental; one person needs something specific from the other person; emotionally neutral * Person-oriented relationships: expressive; driven by personal needs to build the relationship because of one-sided or mutual liking; emotionally charged * Personalization is the process of acknowledging the other person as a whole human, not just a role. Your self-exposure, your vulnerability is the key ingredient in making the relationship more personal. Personalization can occur around the task itself, too. ### Chapter 6: Forces inside us as inhibitors * Johari Window: a model that helps understand one’s relationship with oneself and others. * Arena: Topics that we are willing to talk about and know are OK to talk about with strangers. * Blind spot: Signals we are sending without being aware that we are sending them, which nevertheless create the impression that others have of us. — e.g., through body language, tone of voice, etc. * Facade: Things we know about ourselves and others but are not supposed to reveal because it might offend or hurt others or might be too embarrassing to ourselves. * In a relationship-building process the most difficult issue is how far to go in revealing something that normally we would conceal, knowing at the same time that unless we open up more, we cannot build the relationship. * Unknown: Things that neither I nor the people with whom I have relationships know about me. It can lead to unanticipated feelings or behaviour. * Conversation as a social seesaw: Two people engage in a reciprocal dance of self-exposure through alternatively questioning and telling/revealing based on curiosity and interest. What we think of as intimacy can be thought of as revealing more and more of what we ordinarily conceal. * ORJI cycle: * **O**bservation: Data coming in from all senses, mediated by a person’s filters and biases. You might not be consciously aware of observations. * Emotional **R**eaction: Observations trigger an emotional reaction. Again, you might not be consciously aware of them. Ask yourself “What am I feeling” before you go to judgment and action. * **J**udgment: Processing, evaluating, and making judgments. Requires unbiased and high-quality input data via observation and feelings. * **I**ntervention: Move to action. * → Genuine curiosity and interest minimizes the likelihood of misperception, bad judgment, and hence, inappropriate behavior. It helps collect more accurate data. ### Chapter 7: Developing the attitude of humble inquiry * Survival anxiety: The realization that unless we learn a new behavior, we will be at a disadvantage. Survival anxiety provides the motivation to learn. * Learning anxiety: The realization that learning new skills and developing new attitudes and behavior comes with a period of difficulties and incompetence. Learning anxiety causes resistance to change. * To facilitate new learning, we need to decrease learning anxiety. We have to feel that the new behavior is worthwhile, that it is possible to learn, that there will be guidance, coaching, and support to get us started, and that there will be opportunities to practice. * The learning stage where a relationship is being built requires slowing down and building trust, but once the relationship has been built, work actually gets done much faster. * One way to learn to reflect is to apply Humble Inquiry to ourselves. Before leaping into action, we can ask ourselves: What is going on here? What would be the appropriate thing to do? What am I thinking and feeling and wanting? * “What else is happening?” should become an important mantra not only for reflecting but also for instant assessment of situations that we are entering. %% ## Highlights - Humble Inquiry is the fine art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person. ([Location 93](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=93)) - On the other hand, asking temporarily empowers the other person in the conversation and temporarily makes me vulnerable. It implies that the other person knows something that I need to or want to know. It draws the other person into the situation and into the driver’s seat; it enables the other person to help or hurt me and, thereby, opens the door to building a relationship. ([Location 174](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=174)) - A conversation that leads to a relationship has to be sociologically equitable and balanced. If I want to build a relationship, I have to begin by investing something in it. Humble Inquiry is investing by spending some of my attention up front. My question is conveying to the other person, “I am prepared to listen to you and am making myself vulnerable to you.” I will get a return on my investment if what the other person tells me is something that I did not know before and needed to know. I will then appreciate being told something new, and a relationship can begin to develop through successive cycles of being told something in response to asking. ([Location 179](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=179)) - Trust builds on my end because I have made myself vulnerable, and the other person has not taken advantage of me nor ignored me. Trust builds on the other person’s end because I have shown an interest in and paid attention to what I have been told. A conversation that builds a trusting relationship is, therefore, an interactive process in which each party invests and gets something of value in return. ([Location 183](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=183)) - Humility, in the most general sense, refers to granting someone else a higher status than one claims for oneself. To be humiliated means to be publicly deprived of one’s claimed status, to lose face. ([Location 198](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=198)) - 1) Basic humility—In traditional societies where status is ascribed by birth or social position, humility is not a choice but a condition. One can accept it or resent it, but one cannot arbitrarily change it. In most cultures the “upper class” is granted an intrinsic respect based on the status one is born into. ([Location 202](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=202)) - 2) Optional humility—In societies where status is achieved through one’s accomplishments, we tend to feel humble in the presence of people who have clearly achieved more than we have, and we either admire or envy them. This is optional because we have the choice whether or not to put ourselves in the presence of others who would humble us with their achievements. We can avoid such feelings of humility by the company we choose and who we choose to compare ourselves to, our reference groups. ([Location 207](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=207)) - 3) Here-and-now Humility—There is a third kind of humility that is crucial for the understanding of Humble Inquiry. Here-and-now Humility is how I feel when I am dependent on you. My status is inferior to yours at this moment because you know something or can do something that I need in order to accomplish some task or goal that I have chosen. You have the power to help or hinder me in the achievement of goals that I have chosen and have committed to. I have to be humble because I am temporarily dependent on you. ([Location 213](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=213)) - But, if I am a boss on a seesaw or in a relay race in which everyone’s performance matters to getting the job done at all, I am de facto dependent on the subordinate whether I recognize it or not. Getting the seesaw to move and passing the baton will work only if all the participants, regardless of formal status, recognize their dependence on each other. ([Location 225](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=225)) - When you are dependent on someone to get a task accomplished, it is essential that you build a relationship with that person that will lead to open task-related communication. ([Location 229](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=229)) - But the essence of Humble Inquiry goes beyond just overt questioning. The kind of inquiry I am talking about derives from an attitude of interest and curiosity. ([Location 305](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=305)) - Feelings of Here-and-now Humility are, for the most part, the basis of curiosity and interest. If I feel I have something to learn from you or want to hear from you some of your experiences or feelings because I care for you, or need something from you to accomplish a task, this makes me temporarily dependent and vulnerable. It is precisely my temporary subordination that creates psychological safety for you and, therefore, increases the chances that you will tell me what I need to know and help me get the job done. ([Location 310](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=310)) - The dilemma in U.S. culture is that we don’t really distinguish what I am defining as Humble Inquiry carefully enough from leading questions, rhetorical questions, embarrassing questions, or statements in the form of questions ([Location 316](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=316)) - Asking for examples is not only one of the most powerful ways of showing curiosity, interest, and concern, but also—and even more important—it clarifies general statements. ([Location 505](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=505)) - Accessing your ignorance, or allowing curiosity to lead you, is often the best guide to what to ask about. ([Location 523](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=523)) - Humble Inquiry was conveyed by the whole attitude, not just the specific questions that the doctor asked. ([Location 544](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=544)) - The questions that were most important in establishing the relationship were personal ones, not technical/medical ones. ([Location 545](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=545)) - Humble Inquiry is not a checklist to follow or a set of prewritten questions—it is behavior that comes out of respect, genuine curiosity, and the desire to improve the quality of the conversation by stimulating greater openness and the sharing of task-relevant information. ([Location 549](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=549)) - In the analysis of how to be helpful to another person, I distinguish four fundamentally different forms of inquiry which will be useful in this analysis:4 1) Humble Inquiry 2) Diagnostic inquiry 3) Confrontational inquiry 4) Process-oriented inquiry ([Location 566](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=566)) - HUMBLE INQUIRY Humble Inquiry maximizes my curiosity and interest in the other person and minimizes bias and preconceptions about the other person. I want to access my ignorance and ask for information in the least biased and threatening way. ([Location 570](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=570)) - I want to inquire in the way that will best discover what is really on the other person’s mind. I want others to feel that I accept them, am interested in them, and am genuinely curious about what is on their minds regarding the particular situation we find ourselves in. ([Location 573](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=573)) - Examples of how to get the conversation started and keep it going: “So …” (with an expectant look) “What’s happening?” “What’s going on?” “What brings you here? “Go on…” “Can you give me an example?” ([Location 598](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=598)) - Humble Inquiry does not influence either the content of what the other person has to say, nor the form in which it is said. ([Location 609](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=609)) - DIAGNOSTIC INQUIRY One of the most common deviations from Humble Inquiry occurs when I get curious about a particular thing the other person is telling me and choose to focus on it. I am not telling with this kind of question, but I am steering the conversation and influencing the other person’s mental process in unknown ways. ([Location 611](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=611)) - What differentiates this form of inquiry is that it influences the other’s mental process. ([Location 616](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=616)) - This form of inquiry which influences the client’s mental process can be further classified by what the questioner’s diagnostic focus is. 1) Feelings and Reactions— questions which focus others on their feelings and reactions in response to the events they have described or the problems that have been identified Examples: “How did (do) you feel about that?” ([Location 620](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=620)) - 2) Causes and Motives— questions about motivation or about causes that focus the others on their motivations in relation to something that they have been talking about Examples: “Why did that happen?” “Why did (do) you feel that way? ([Location 629](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=629)) - 3) Action Oriented—questions that focus others on what they did, are thinking about doing, or plan to do in the future If others have already reported actions, I can build on that. But often when people present their problems, they don’t reveal past, present, or possible future actions, which I might need to bring out with questions. Examples: “What have you tried so far?” ([Location 635](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=635)) - 4) Systemic Questions—questions that build understanding of the total situation Stories that others tell us about themselves typically involve other people as well—family members, friends, bosses, colleagues, and/or subordinates. ([Location 645](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=645)) - CONFRONTATIONAL INQUIRY The essence of confrontational inquiry is that you now insert your own ideas but in the form of a question. ([Location 655](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=655)) - the inquirer is taking charge of both the process and content of the conversation. You are tacitly giving advice, and this often arouses resistance in others and makes it harder to build relationships with them because they have to explain or defend why they aren’t feeling something or doing something that you proposed. ([Location 659](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=659)) - Confrontational questions can be humble if your motive is to be helpful and if the relationship has enough trust built up to allow the other to feel helped rather than confronted. Timing, tone of voice, and various other cues tell the listener about your motives. What I have found most important is to ask myself what my motives are before I ask a confrontational question. Am I feeling humble and curious or have I fallen into thinking I have an answer and am just testing out whether or not I am right? ([Location 672](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=672)) - PROCESS-ORIENTED INQUIRY An option that is always on the table is to shift the conversational focus onto the conversation itself. Whether this counts as Humble Inquiry or not depends on the motives of the person shifting the focus. If I am trying to develop a good relationship and feel the conversation going in the wrong direction, I can humbly ask some version of “What is happening?” (“Are we OK?” “Did I offend you?”) to explore what might be wrong and how it might be fixed. Instead of continuing with the content of the conversation, this kind of inquiry suddenly focuses on the here-and-now interaction. ([Location 680](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=680)) - The power of this kind of inquiry is that it focuses on the relationship itself and enables both parties to assess whether their relationship goals are being met. Used with humility this kind of inquiry is probably also the most difficult to learn because our culture does not support it as normal conversation. ([Location 693](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=693)) - Yet this form of inquiry is often the most powerful way to get out of awkward or difficult conversations because it allows both parties to reset, to restate what they are there for, what they want, and, in other ways, recalibrate their expectations. ([Location 696](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=696)) - The main inhibitor of Humble Inquiry is the culture in which we grew up. ([Location 717](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=717)) - Culture can be thought of as manifesting itself on many levels—it is represented by all of its artifacts, by which I mean buildings, art works, products, language, and everything that we see and feel when we enter another culture. ([Location 717](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=717)) - All cultures have rules about status and respect based on deep assumptions about what merits status. ([Location 733](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=733)) - In societies that are Western, more egalitarian, and individualistic, we tend to respect only high achievers, based on the Horatio Alger myth of working one’s way up from the bottom. We tend to experience optional humility in the presence of those who have achieved more, but the Here-and-now Humility, based on awareness of dependency, is often missing. ([Location 734](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=734)) - THE MAIN PROBLEM–A CULTURE THAT VALUES TASK ACCOMPLISHMENT MORE THAN RELATIONSHIP BUILDING ([Location 740](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=740)) - The U.S. culture is individualistic, competitive, optimistic, and pragmatic. We believe that the basic unit of society is the individual, whose rights have to be protected at all costs. We are entrepreneurial and admire individual accomplishment. We thrive on competition. ([Location 742](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=742)) - In the United States, status and prestige are gained by task accomplishment, and once you are above someone else, you are licensed to tell them what to do. ([Location 774](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=774)) - A SECOND PROBLEM–THE CULTURE OF TELL We take it for granted that telling is more valued than asking. Asking the right questions is valued, but asking in general is not. To ask is to reveal ignorance and weakness. Knowing things is highly valued, and telling people what we know is almost automatic because we have made it habitual in most situations. ([Location 789](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=789)) - Potter notes that there are several ways to gain points in competitive conversation: making a smart remark, putting down someone who has claimed too much, and turning a clever phrase even if it embarrasses someone else in the conversation. We compete on who can tell the most—the most interesting story, the most outrageous adventure, the best joke, or the best movie they saw. Of course, outdoing someone else is only good if it is done within the cultural rules of etiquette. Embarrassing or humiliating someone in the conversation is not good and, if one consistently does this, one gets socially ostracized, or, if it is extreme, one gets put into a mental hospital. To be an effective gamesman or lifeman, Potter notes, one must know “how to win without actually cheating” or practice “the art of getting away with it without being an absolute plonk. ([Location 804](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=804)) - Before we give advice, do we really consider whether or not the person to whom we are telling this might have already thought of it? ([Location 827](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=827)) - The world is becoming more technologically complex, interdependent, and culturally diverse, which makes the building of relationships more and more necessary to get things accomplished and, at the same time, more difficult. Relationships are the key to good communication; good communication is the key to successful task accomplishment; and Humble Inquiry, based on Here-and-now Humility, is the key to good relationships. ([Location 835](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=835)) - Culturally it is more appropriate for the person of higher status to do more telling and for the subordinate to do more inquiring and listening. This works when 1) both parties have the same superordinate goal, 2) the superior knows the answers, and 3) the subordinate understands what is being told. Superiors need to find out whether those three conditions are met in a particular situation. ([Location 857](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=857)) - How we relate to another person, whether we tell or ask, whether we want to build more trust and openness, whether we just want acknowledgment or something more, is best thought of in terms of situations. In every culture children are taught how to behave and feel in a variety of situations. ([Location 900](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=900)) - From the subordinates’ points of view, these rules can best be thought of as the rules of deference, or how subordinates are supposed to show respect for their superiors; from the superiors’ points of view, they are the rules of demeanor, or how superiors are supposed to act in a way that is appropriate to their status. ([Location 907](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=907)) - We take these rules so for granted that we only notice them when they are situationally inappropriate, ([Location 911](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=911)) - When we enter a new situation or meet someone and start a conversation, one of the first things that we sort out unconsciously is the relative status distinctions that must be observed. Some might argue we are still biologically programmed to locate ourselves in the pecking order. We often start with Humble Inquiry in such a situation because it provides an opportunity to find out whether the other person in the conversation is of higher or lower status, whether we should be deferent or alternatively should expect deference. ([Location 918](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=918)) - The dilemma that will require new learning is how the superior can learn to ask for help from the subordinate. ([Location 931](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=931)) - Equally important in defining the situation is the role relationship of the parties or the ([Location 935](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=935)) - purpose for which they have gotten together. ([Location 935](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=935)) - distinguish particularly between instrumental relationships, in which one person needs something specific from the other person, and expressive relationships, which are driven by personal needs to build the relationship because one or both of the people involved are beginning to like the other. ([Location 940](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=940)) - To simplify, I will call these task-oriented and person-oriented relationships. ([Location 942](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=942)) - task interdependence requires Here-and-now Humility but does not in principle have to become personal or emotionally charged. ([Location 958](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=958)) - it is most useful to think of a continuum that stretches from the extremely task oriented to the extremely personal. The question we must then ask is whether the key to making interdependent relationships work ([Location 970](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=970)) - is to personalize them to some degree ([Location 972](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=972)) - Personalization is the process of acknowledging the other person as a whole human, not just a role. ([Location 974](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=974)) - a key element is to learn to make oneself more vulnerable through Humble Inquiry and personalization. This can be difficult because one risks being snubbed or ignored, which can be humiliating. But it is essential because it shows the other person that you are willing to invest something, to go farther than just a minimum task-oriented relationship. Your self-exposure, your vulnerability is the key ingredient in making the relationship more personal. ([Location 1058](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1058)) - only by learning to be more humbly inquiring can we build up the mutual trust needed to work together effectively and open up the communication channels. Such opening up can occur around the task itself by becoming more personal. ([Location 1065](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1065)) - being a responsible member of society means the acceptance of the rules of how to deal with each other and how to conduct conversations which show reciprocation, equity, and acceptance of each other’s claimed value. ([Location 1079](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1079)) - We each enter every situation or budding relationship with a culturally defined open self—the topics that we are willing to talk about and know are OK to talk about with strangers ([Location 1094](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1094)) - As we converse with others, we send a variety of signals above and beyond the intentional ones that come from our open self. Our body language, our tone of voice, our timing and cadence of speech, our clothing and accoutrements, our work with our eyes all convey something to the other person, who forms a total impression of us based on all of the data coming from us. Much of this information is passed without our being aware of it, so we must acknowledge that we also have a blind self, the signals we are sending without being aware that we are sending them, which nevertheless create the impression that others have of us. ([Location 1098](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1098)) - our concealed self—all the things we know about ourselves and others but are not supposed to reveal because it might offend or hurt others or might be too embarrassing to ourselves. ([Location 1107](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1107)) - Things we conceal from others are insecurities that we are ashamed to admit, feelings and impulses we consider to be anti-social or inconsistent with our self-image, memories of events where we failed or performed badly against our own standards, and, most important, reactions to other people that we judge would be impolite or hurtful to reveal to their face. ([Location 1109](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1109)) - We realize that in a relationship-building process the most difficult issue is how far to go in revealing something that normally we would conceal, knowing at the same time that unless we open up more, we cannot build the relationship. ([Location 1111](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1111)) - The fourth self—the unknown self—refers to those things that neither I nor the people with whom I have relationships know about me. I may have hidden talents that come out in a brand new situation, I may have all kinds of unconscious thoughts and feelings that surface from time to time, and I may have unpredictable responses based on psychological or physical factors that catch me by surprise. I have to be prepared for the occasional unanticipated feeling or behavior that pops out of me. ([Location 1133](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1133)) - Now imagine the conversation as a social seesaw with two people getting to know each other, a reciprocal dance of self-exposure through alternately questioning and telling based on curiosity and interest. Gradual self-exposure will occur either through answers to Humble Inquiry or by deliberate revelations. If these early self-revelations are accepted by the other, then gradually more personal thoughts and feelings are put out as a test of whether the other will still react positively to them. In each move, we claim a little more value for ourselves and thereby make ourselves a little more vulnerable. If the other person continues to accept us, we achieve a higher level of trust in each other. What we think of as intimacy can then be thought of as revealing more and more of what we ordinarily conceal. ([Location 1136](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1136)) - Though these processes occur at the same time, it is useful to distinguish them and treat them as a cycle. That is, we observe (O), we react emotionally to what we have observed (R), we ([Location 1157](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1157)) - analyze, process, and make judgments based on our observations and feelings (J), and we behave overtly in order to make something happen—we intervene (I).12 Humble Inquiry is one category of such an intervention. ([Location 1158](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1158)) - Observation should be the accurate registering through all of our senses of what is actually occurring in the environment and what the demands are of the situation in which we find ourselves. In fact, the nervous system is proactive, programmed through many prior experiences to filter data that come in. We see and hear more or less what we expect or anticipate based on prior experience, or, more importantly, on what we hope to achieve. Our wants and needs distort to an unknown degree what we perceive. We block out a great deal of information that is potentially available if it does not fit our needs, expectations, preconceptions, and prejudgments. ([Location 1162](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1162)) - REACTION (R) The ORJI cycle diagram shows emotional reactions occur as a result of what we observe. There is growing evidence that the emotional response may actually occur prior to or simultaneously with the observation. People show fear physically before they perceive the threat. This being the case, the most difficult aspect of learning about our emotional reactions is that we often do not notice them at all. We deny feelings or take them so much for granted that we, in effect, short-circuit them and move straight into judgments and actions. ([Location 1175](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1175)) - But, paradoxically, we often end up acting most on our feelings when we are least aware of them, all the while deluding ourselves that we are carefully acting only on judgments. ([Location 1189](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1189)) - The major issue around feelings, then, is to find ways of getting in touch with them so that we can increase our areas of choice. It is essential for us to be able to know what we are feeling, both to avoid bias in responding and to use those feelings as a diagnostic indicator of what may be happening in the relationship. ([Location 1193](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1193)) - Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” before you go to judgment and action. ([Location 1198](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1198)) - JUDGMENT (J) We are constantly processing data, analyzing information, evaluating, and making judgments. ([Location 1200](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1200)) - But all of the analyses and judgments we engage in are worth only as much as the data on which they are based. If the data we operate on is misperceived or our feelings distort it, then our analysis and judgments will be flawed. ([Location 1204](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1204)) - The most important implication is to recognize from the outset that our capacity to reason is limited and that it is only as good as the data on which it is based. Humble Inquiry is one reliable way of gathering data. ([Location 1209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1209)) - INTERVENTION (I) Once we have made some kind of judgment, we act. The judgment may be no more than the decision to act on emotional impulse, but that is a judgment nevertheless, and it is dangerous to be unaware of it. In other words, when we act impulsively, when we exhibit what we think of as knee-jerk reactions, it seems as if we are short-circuiting the rational judgment process. In fact, what we are doing is not short-circuiting but giving too much credence to an initial observation and our emotional response to it. ([Location 1214](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1214)) - The main reason why Humble Inquiry becomes such an important skill is that genuine curiosity and interest minimizes the likelihood of misperception, bad judgment, and hence, inappropriate behavior. ([Location 1221](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1221)) - What I call survival anxiety is the realization that unless we learn the new behavior, we will be at a disadvantage. Survival anxiety provides the motivation to learn. ([Location 1268](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1268)) - But as we confront the learning task and develop new attitudes and behavior, we realize it may be difficult, or we may not want to tolerate the period of incompetence while we learn, or our friends may not understand or welcome our new behavior. Anticipating all these potential difficulties is learning anxiety and causes resistance to change. As long as learning anxiety remains stronger than survival anxiety, we will resist change and avoid learning. ([Location 1269](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1269)) - To facilitate new learning, we need to decrease learning anxiety. We have to feel that the new behavior is worthwhile, that it is possible to learn, that there will be guidance, coaching, and support to get us started, and that there will be opportunities to practice. ([Location 1273](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1273)) - Learning Humble Inquiry is not learning how to run faster but how to slow down in order to make sure that I have observed carefully and taken full stock of situational reality. ([Location 1285](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1285)) - The learning stage where a relationship is being built requires slowing down and building trust, but once the relationship has been built, work actually gets done much faster. ([Location 1293](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1293)) - One way to learn to reflect is to apply Humble Inquiry to ourselves. Before leaping into action, we can ask ourselves: What is going on here? What would be the appropriate thing to do? What am I thinking and feeling and wanting? ([Location 1298](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1298)) - “What else is happening?” should become an important mantra not only for reflecting but also for instant assessment of situations that we are entering. ([Location 1312](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1312)) - Jody Gittell noted in her research on this issue that the key to coordination is shared goals, mutual understanding of each other’s work, and mutual respect. ([Location 1355](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1355)) - Making yourself vulnerable will elicit a more personal conversation, and through successive rounds of asking, telling, and acknowledging, trust and openness will build to the point where you can ask the difficult question, “If I am about to make a mistake, will you tell me?” You can then assess whether you have achieved the climate of psychological safety in which all of you will help each other and communicate openly. If it still feels uncomfortable, you can humbly ask, “What do we need to do differently to get to that point of perpetual, mutual help?” ([Location 1370](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1370)) - For this kind of relationship building, you need to create a “cultural island,” a situation in which you will attempt to suspend some of the cultural rules pertaining to authority and trust relationships. To do this, you need to bring your team together in an informal environment, away from the work setting, around more personal activities such as a meal or a recreational activity. ([Location 1378](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00CTY5FXM&location=1378))