## Metadata - Author: [[Richard Boyatzis, Melvin L. Smith, Ellen Van Oosten]] - Full Title: Helping People Change - Topics: [[Coaching (Index)]], [[Adjustment & Change (Index)]] - Category: #books ## Summary ### Key ideas * **Coaching for compassion**: Facilitate the discovery and pursuit of a person’s ideal self, helping them achieve their full potential. Change is intentional and internally motivated and thus long-lasting. Coaching to the PEA (see below). * **Coaching for compliance**: Facilitate the movement toward an externally defined objective. The person lacks inner motivation to change. Change is temporary. Coaching to the NEA (see below). * **Resonant relationship**: Characterized by a positive emotional tone and a genuine, authentic connection. Experience of mindfulness, arousal of hope, demonstration of compassion. * **[[Intentional Change Theory]] (ICT)**: Change must be desired to endure. Change does not take place in a linear fashion, but in discontinuous bursts called “discoveries”. Five such discoveries must occur to make a sustained change in behavior: * 1. **Ideal self**: “Who do I want to be?” Envision an ideal self that consists of one’s desired future (aspirations, dreams, passions, and purpose), core identity (values and individual characteristics), and the emotional driver of hope (fuelled by optimism and self-efficacy). It is centered on autonomous motivation, a promotional self-regulatory focus, and engagement of the PEA (see below). The ideal self serves as a catalyst for change and results in sustained desired change. * In contrast, the **ought self** is based on what a person feels they ought to do. The ought self represents a propensity to please others, or to adhere strictly to external norms and values imposed by others. It is centered on controlled motivation, a prevention-oriented self-regulatory focus, and engagement of the NEA (see below). It results in only short-term behavior change. * 2. **Real self**: “Who am I now?” Get an accurate view of your current situation relative to where you want to be. Identify areas where the ideal and real self are already aligned (strengths) as well as areas where they are not yet aligned (gaps/weaknesses). Get external feedback to uncover blind spots. The contrast between the ideal and real self becomes the source of motivation and commitment to change. * 3. **Learning agenda**: Revisit strengths to create momentum and consider how they can be used to close any relevant gaps to get closer to the ideal self. Prioritize gaps that feel most exciting. Understand what needs to be done differently and envision the steps necessary to close the gap. Consider who can help along the way and what resources will be needed. * 4. **Experimentation and practice**: First, explore various new behaviors to find out what works. Then, practice that behavior to the point of mastery. * 5. **Resonant relationships**: Get assistance from a network of trusting, supportive relationships with others. * At each step, the PEA (see below) has to outweigh the NEA. * **Positive emotional attractor (PEA)**: Characterized by positive emotional arousal, endocrine arousal of the parasympathetic nervous system, and neurological activation of the empathic network (default mode network). Focuses on strengths, possibilities, and learning → vision, ideal self. Elicits a promotion focus, desire to change, learning orientation, and resonance with others. Enhances an individual's motivation, effort, optimism, flexibility, creative thinking, resilience, and openness to behavior change. * **Negative emotional attractor (NEA)**: Characterized by negative emotional arousal, endocrine arousal of the sympathetic nervous system, and neurological activation of the analytic network (task positive network). Focuses on gaps/weaknesses, problems, and performance → improvement needs, real self. Helps move from vision to action, make decisions, solve problems and focus. Elicits a prevention focus, obligation to change, performance orientation, and dissonance with others. * PEA and NEA are self-regulating and stabilising states that self-propagate (via self-reinforcing feedback loops) until a tipping point produces a shift from one attractor to the other. * For sustainable change, a person needs to be in the PEA two to five times the frequency or amount of time as in the NEA. * Ways to invoke the PEA: Dreams and personal vision, compassion, emotional contagion, mindfulness, playfulness, walking in nature, resonant relationships. ### Methodology The research began in 1967, with studies on how adults helped each other develop or didn’t. Longitudinal research (i.e., tracking people over time) about behavior change in arenas from management to addiction was completed in companies, government agencies, nonprofits, graduate school programs, and hospitals around the world. This research was followed by almost twenty years of hormonal and neuroimaging studies. ### Chapter 1: The heart of helping _How to really help others learn and grow._ My highlights: * Uncovering a person’s **hopes and dreams** unlocks **positive emotions and intrinsic motivation** which propels that person to **genuine, lasting change**. * Effective coaching evokes three kinds of change: * 1. Find or reaffirm and articulate one’s personal vision, including dreams, passion, purpose, and values. * 2. Experience changes in behavior, thoughts, and/or feelings that move one closer to realizing one’s personal vision. * 3. Build or maintain a resonant relationship with the coach and with other supportive people in one’s life. * **Coaching with compassion**: Coaching with a genuine sense of **caring and concern**, focusing on the** other person**, providing **support and encouragement**, and **facilitating the discovery and pursuit** of that person’s dreams and passions. Change is intentional and internally motivated and thus long-lasting. * **Coaching for compliance**: The coach attempts to facilitate the person’s movement toward some externally defined objective. **Problem-centered approach**: Focusing on the gaps between where they are and where we think they should or could be. They lack inner motivation to change. The effort and change is not sustainable. ### Chapter 2: Conversations that inspire _Discovering what is most important._ My highlights: * **Resonant relationship**: Characterized by (1) an overall **positive emotional tone** and (2) a **genuine, authentic connection** with the person being coached. It typically involves at least three elements: * 1. the experience of mindfulness: being fully present with the person, tuned into that person while also being self-aware * 2. the arousal of hope: instilling a sense of confidence in the person that their ideal future is achievable * 3. the demonstration of compassion: caring for the person, offering support as necessary Authors’ key learning points: * Great coaches inspire, encourage, and support others in the pursuit of their dreams and the achievement of their full potential. We call this coaching with compassion. * We contrast this with coaching for compliance, in which a coach attempts to move an individual toward some externally defined objective. * Coaching others to truly achieve sustained, desired change requires developing a resonant relationship with them. * A resonant relationship is one characterized by an authentically compassionate connection and a positive emotional tone. ### Chapter 3: Coaching with compassion _Inspiring sustained, desired change._ My highlights: * **Compassion**: Consists of * (a) Understanding: noticing another’s need * (b) Caring for the other/empathic concern: imagining what the other must be feeling and wanting to help them meet their needs * (c) Acting in response to the other’s feelings and needs * **Intentional Change Theory (ICT)**: Change does not take place in a linear fashion, but in discontinuous bursts called “discoveries”. Five such discoveries must occur to make a sustained change in behavior: * **Discovery 1 – the ideal self**: Envision an ideal future in all aspects of life (holistic approach). Specifically, the ideal self is a possible self that consists of one’s desired future (aspirations, dreams, passions, and purpose), core identity (values and individual characteristics), and the emotional driver of hope. The ideal self serves as a catalyst for the change process because it creates a discrepancy between one’s current real self and the self to which one aspires. * Examples and suggestions: * “Who do I _really_ want to be?” and “What do I _really_ want to do with my life?”, broadly speaking? * Write down all of your dreams, however far-fetched they seem. Clarify them into short- and long-term goals. * Craft a [personal vision statement](https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/personal-mission-statement.htm). Boil it down to a six-word statement that you can memorize and that will inspire you each day. * [DeWitt Jones TEDx talk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gD_1Eh6rqf8) * Create a [treasure map](https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCT_94.htm) of your goals. * Failure modes: * Describing an [“ought” self](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00670/full) instead based on who you or others think you ought to be. * Self-discrepancy theory: The theory predicts that when people to whom one turns for help, or those with more organizational power suggest an Ought Self, one feels pressure to comply. * For some individuals, the ICT process is not about making a desired change to achieve an ideal self. Instead, for some it is about sustaining or maintaining an ideal self already achieved. * **Discovery 2 – the real self**: Get an accurate view of your current situation relative to where you want to be. Identify areas where the ideal and real self are already aligned (**strengths**) as well as areas where they are not yet aligned (**gaps**). Focus on identifying current strengths before considering weaknesses (strength-based development). * **Mental contrasting** ([Oettingen, 2009](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19213924)): Compare one’s desired future to the current reality and obstacles that stand in the way. The contrast between the ideal and real becomes the source of motivational energy and commitment to one’s goals. * Examples and suggestions: * “What do you like most about yourself? What needs to change?” Explore your current attitudes, assumptions, behaviors, and habits. * Use personality assessment tools. * Seek [feedback](https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCDV_54.htm) about how others perceive you to increase self-awareness and get a better sense of the real self. * **Discovery 3 – the learning agenda**: Revisit strengths and think about how you can use them to close any relevant gaps to get closer to the ideal self. Focus on behavior changes you feel most excited to try to make it feel less like work and ensure that you’re on the way towards the ideal self and not an ought self. By acknowledging your strengths, you create momentum to close gaps. * The learning agenda is distinctive from a performance development plan, which is often stressful and depresses one’s motivation to learn and change. * **Mental simulation** (process-based visioning): Envision the steps necessary to attain a goal. It improves self-regulatory capacity by increasing the extent to which an individual believes their goal will be achieved. * Examples and suggestions: * Help individuals recognize that if they continue to do what they’ve always done, they’ll continue to be who they’ve always been. To change, they’ll have to do some things differently. * Define what you need to do to move from your current self to your ideal self. Who can help you along this path? What resources do you need? * One bite at a time: When deciding what gaps to work on, make sure that they don’t bite off more than they can chew. You might suggest that they focus on one single thing first. Once they have demonstrated some success with that one thing, you can then have them select the next thing they want to tackle. This approach allows for focused attention and typically leads to better change efforts. * When they pick the thing to want to work on, make sure that they see the payoff from improving in that area, that is, make sure it’s tied to the attainment of their ideal self. Avoid them selecting something to work on simply because they received negative feedback on it. * **Discovery 4 – practicing new behaviors**: First, **experiment** with new behaviors until you find something that works. Then, shift into actual **practice** of that behavior. Practice until you reach mastery for lasting change. Ensure quick wins to stay in the game. * **Discovery 5 – resonant relationships**: Get assistance from a network of trusting, supportive relationships with others. These people can also help you uncover your blind spots. * At each step of ICT, the PEA (desire to change) has to outweigh the NEA (obligation to change). While the NEA is required to move a person from vision to action, a person must spend significantly more time in the PEA in order to achieve sustained desired change. Fundamental to ICT is the notion that change must be desired to endure. * **Positive emotional attractor (PEA)**: Taps Ideal Self. [Triggers](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00670/full) constructive cognitive and physiological responses that enhance an individual's motivation, effort, optimism, flexibility, creative thinking, resilience, openness to behavior change, and other adaptive behaviors. Focuses on strengths, possibilities, and learning. * 1. Positive emotional arousal (= affective experience, e.g. awe, joy, gratitude, and curiosity) * 2. Endocrine arousal of the _parasympathetic nervous system_ (PNS) * Stimulation of the vagus nerve → secrete oxytocin (women) or vasopressin (men) → blood pressure decreases, blood capillaries dilate, immune system stimulated, breathing slows down * → relaxed and open, hopeful * 3. Neurological activation of the _default mode network_ * **Negative emotional attractor (NEA)**: Taps Real Self. [Triggers](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00670/full) another process by calling attention to current social and environmental stressors that may compromise an individual's effectiveness. Focuses on gaps/weaknesses, problems, and performance. * 1. Negative emotional arousal (e.g. anxiety and fear) * 2. Endocrine arousal of the _sympathetic nervous system_ (SNS). Doesn’t need the actual stressful event to occur; mere anticipation thereof is sufficient to arouse the SNS. * Secrete _epinephrine _and_ norepinephrine_ → blood capillaries shut down, blood flows to large muscles, brain shuts down non-essential neural circuits → blood pressure increases, breathing gets faster and shallower * Secrete _corticosteroids_ → turns off immune system, inhibits neurogenesis * → stressed and defensive/closed down * 3. Neurological activation of the _task positive network_ * Certain situations that arise in the context of coaching are known to provoke a stronger NEA response than others. These situations involve the perception of a lack of control, the element of social evaluation, low efficacy or commitment to reaching a goal, and/or anticipation of events involving the previous three characteristics. * NEA states are beneficial to the change process when they call attention to behaviors and events that compromise our effectiveness, threaten our safety, drain our resources, increase our stress, or require us to improve or protect ourselves and are balanced by recurrent activation with the PEA. * PEA and NEA are self-regulating and stabilising states that self-propagate (via self-reinforcing feedback loops) until a tipping point produces a shift from one attractor to the other. * Due to the temporary nature of positive emotions, coaches must return frequently to the ideal self throughout a coaching engagement to ensure an overall tone of the PEA. * Theories related to Intentional Change Theory: * **Self-Determination Theory** (Deci and Ryan): Individuals need to experience competence, relatedness, and autonomy. Central to SDT is the distinction between autonomous motivation and controlled motivation. The type of motivation is perhaps more important than the amount. * With **autonomous motivation**, individuals feel that they’re doing what they want to be doing. It’s normally fun, interesting, and engaging. * With **controlled motivation**, individuals instead feel that they are doing something they have to do. There is a sense of pressure associated with it. * **Regulatory Focus Theory** ([Higgins, 1997](https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0003-066X.52.12.1280)): RFT proposes two different ways in which a person may approach an ideal state (when faced with a discrepancy between a current state and an ideal state): a “promotion focus” and a “prevention focus”. * An individual with a **promotion focus** will be motivated to approach the desired end state based on concerns with advancement, growth, and accomplishment. They will experience pleasure and pain as a result of the presence or absence of positive outcomes. * A promotion focus is aroused by a focus on nurturance needs, strong ideals, and “gain/no-gain” situations. * An individual with a **prevention focus** will be motivated to approach the desired end state based on concerns with protection, safety, and responsibility and avoid risks and danger. They will experience pleasure and pain as a result of the presence or absence of negative outcomes. * A prevention focus is aroused by a focus on security needs, strong “oughts” and “non-loss/loss” situations. Authors’ key learning points: * Coaching with compassion begins by helping a person explore and clearly articulate her ideal self and a personal vision for her future. This often means helping her tease out the distinction between her “ideal” self and “ought” self. * To help individuals build self-awareness, ensure that they consider their strengths and weaknesses in the context of their personal vision statement first. * A useful tool for this is the personal balance sheet (PBS). The PBS guides the individual to consider assets (strengths) and liabilities (gaps or weaknesses). * To ignite the energy for change, coaches should encourage those they help to focus two to three times more attention on strengths than weaknesses. * Rather than creating performance improvement plans in which individuals focus on their shortcomings, the learning agenda should focus on behavior changes that they feel most excited to try—changes that would help them grow closer to their ideal self. * _“What do you feel drawn to work on? Where can you give the greatest amount of energy?”_ * Coaches should encourage individuals to practice new behaviors beyond the point of comfort. Only continual practice leads to mastery. * Rather than relying solely on a coach for support, individuals need to develop a network of trusted, supportive relationships to assist them in their change efforts. * Coaches must be aware of and effectively manage the emotional tone of the coaching conversations. Exercises: * Around three times daily over the course of the next week (ideally morning, midday and evening, but structure this according to the demands of your own schedule), observe and record your own emotions. Make a note of what you were doing at that particular time, and how you felt in that moment. Avoid listing specifics and instead focus on your emotional state - whether you were feeling happy, angry, sad, excited or otherwise, or even if you were feeling unsure of your emotional state in that moment. Once the week has ended, you should have recorded around 20 entries noting emotional states. Analyze these entries and assess whether particular patterns emerged. Is there a noticeable ratio of positive to negative emotions? * Create a personal balance sheet: In a 2x2 matrix, list both short-term and long-term assets (strengths) and liabilities (weaknesses/gaps), with assets on the left and liabilities on the right. * Current strengths and weaknesses: Things that you’ve become aware of or have developed only recently. * Distinctive strengths and enduring dispositions: Things that are stable over time, a consistent part of who you are. Further reading: * Richard E. Boyatzis, Kylie Rochford and Scott N. Taylor (2015). [The role of the positive emotional attractor in vision and shared vision: toward effective leadership, relationships, and engagement](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00670/full) * Passarelli, A. M. (2015). [Vision-based coaching: optimizing resources for leader development](http://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00412). Personality and Social Psychology, 412. * Boyatzis, R.E. & Smith, M. (2012). [Positive renewal](http://bit.ly/1NeYHrU). Leadership Excellence, 29:3, 6. ### Chapter 4: Awakening the desire to change _Questions that spark joy, gratitude, and curiosity._ My highlights: * Questions focusing on vision and strengths activate a person’s PEA. * Questions focusing on “shoulds” and weaknesses activate a person’s NEA. * Try a variety of ways to invoke the PEA until you find one that works at that moment in this person’s life. Inquire with acceptance and patience. * If the person arrives in a state of negative emotions, create a tipping point towards the PEA: * 1. Express empathy so they feel supported and safe. * 2. Shift towards the positive and ask them what they want instead. * Ways to invoke the PEA: * 1. Dreams and personal vision: Help them feel hopeful about the future. * “You have just had a great week. You go home and pour yourself a drink and sit down. There’s a smile on your face. You feel you’ve been doing important and good work this past week. What have you done this week?” * 2. Compassion: Receive or express compassion and gratitude. * 3. Emotional contagion: Emotions (both positive and negative) are contagious. The contagion spreads at fast speeds (often in milliseconds) and is predominantly below conscious awareness. * The emotional arousal and activation of the neuroendocrine system of the coachee will mirror the emotional arousal and activation of the neuroendocrine system of the coach, and vice versa, creating an emotional feedback loop. * 4. Mindfulness: Be tuned into and aware of yourself and your environment. * 5. Playfulness: Activates the PNS. * 6. Walking in nature: Expands our perception and senses about the world around us. Maybe works via mindfulness. * 7. Resonant relationship: Shared vision, shared compassion, and shared relational energy. Authors’ key learning points: * Asking someone a positive question awakens the PEA, activating a specific network in the brain that triggers hormones in the parasympathetic nervous system (renewal). * Asking a negative question or question that pulls a defensive response arouses the NEA, activating a different network in the brain, which triggers hormones in the sympathetic nervous system (stress). * The PEA is both a state of being open to new ideas and a tipping point along the path of sustained, desired change. Coaching with compassion (i.e., coaching to the PEA) serves both purposes. * The PEA is being in PNS arousal; feeling positive and hopeful. * The NEA is being in SNS arousal; feeling negative and defensive or fearful. * Emotions are contagious, both positive and negative emotions. The contagion spreads at fast speeds (often in milliseconds) and is predominantly below conscious awareness. ### Chapter 5: Survive _and_ thrive _The battle in your brain._ My highlights: * The brain has two dominant networks of neurons: * **Analytic network (AN)** (historically, the **task positive network (TPN)**): * Analytic thinking and task achievement: solve problems, analyze things, make decisions, and focus (i.e., limit our awareness to direct attention on a task or issue). * However, the AN closes a person perceptually to new ideas, possibilities, and people. * When the AN gets activated at the beginning of an experience, a person’s NEA gets aroused. * Typically (but not always), when the AN is activated, the SNS (stress) is aroused. * NEA = AN + SNS + negative feelings * **Empathic network (EN)** (historically, the **default mode network (DMN)**): * Empathetic thinking/feeling and relationship development: be open to new ideas, scan the environment for trends or patterns, be open to others and emotions, as well as moral concerns (i.e., truly understanding others’ perspectives, not the more analytic activity of making judgments about right and wrong). * However, the EN might leave a person open to distractions and less immediately prepared to act. * When the EN gets activated at the beginning of an experience, a person’s PEA gets aroused. * Typically (but not always), when the EN is activated, the PNS (renewal) is aroused. * **PEA = EN + PNS + positive feelings** * The AN and EN are “antagonistic”, that is, they suppress each other. If the AN lights up for any reason, the person’s EN gets suppressed, at least in that particular moment—and vice versa. * The key is how we cycle between these networks (balanced oscillation) and match the activated network to a specific situation. * PEA-based coaching with compassion helps to activate brain areas with benefits of being more open to new ideas, change, and learning. * Activate the EN early in the coaching process to help the person become open to new ideas and the possibility of change. * Research suggests that there’s a dose-dependent effect of PEA coaching: more PEA sessions activate additional brain regions associated with the PNS. This means that one session of PEA coaching at the start won’t be enough. * NEA-based coaching for compliance tends to activate brain areas that result in narrowed, focused thinking and a defensive experience. * For sustainable change, a person needs to be in the PEA two to five times the frequency or amount of time as in the NEA. * Renewal and stress: * Dosage: Smaller doses, in terms of time and more frequent episodes of renewal activities, are better than longer, less frequent ones. * Variety: Using a variety of activities in renewal is better than using the same one or two repeatedly. Authors’ key learning points: * To sustain a change or learning process, a person needs to regularly cycle into the PEA two to five times more often than being in the NEA. * Renewal activities in smaller doses in terms of time and more frequent episodes of renewal activities are better than longer, less frequent ones. * Renewal using a variety of activities is better than using the same one or two repeatedly. * The PEA enables us to thrive by activating renewing, stress-alleviating hormones that produce feelings of safety, hope, and even joy. * The NEA helps us survive by activating our stress hormonal response to a threat, namely fight, flight, or freeze. * Our brains use two dominant networks of neurons regarding learning and change: the analytic network (AN) and the empathic network (EN). * We need the AN to solve problems, analyze things, make decisions, and focus. * We need the EN to be open to new ideas, scan the environment for trends or patterns, and be open to others and their emotions, as well as moral concerns. * We need both of these networks. Because they are antagonistic and suppress each other, we need to balance time spent in each one. Further reading: * R. E. Boyatzis and A. I. Jack, “The Neuroscience of Coaching,” Consulting Psychology Journal 70, no. 1 (2018): 11–27. * R. E. Boyatzis, K. Rochford and A. I. Jack, “[Antagonistic neural networks underlying differentiated leadership roles](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2014.00114/full)”, Front. Hum. Neurosci., 04 March 2014 * Task-positive network (TPN): The TPN is important for problem solving, focusing of attention, making decisions, and control of action — in other words, for getting things done. The TPN is activated during a broad range of non-social tasks. * Default mode network (DMN): The DMN plays a central role in emotional self-awareness, social cognition, and ethical decision making. It is also strongly linked to creativity and openness to new ideas. * Anti-correlation: Neural activity in the TPN tends to inhibit activity in the default mode network DMN and vice-versa. The antagonistic relationship between the TPN and DMN creates a fundamental neural constraint on cognition. * Networks of brain regions are most often defined either because: (1) they are frequently found to be activated or deactivated by a class of cognitive tasks or (2) the regions demonstrate strong positive resting state connectivity with each other. ### Chapter 6: The power of a personal vision _Dreams, not just goals._ My highlights: * **Vision-based coaching** emphasizes discovery and expression of the coachee’s ideal self as an anchor for the engagement or relationship. * Discovering one’s ideal self and future → positive emotions (excitement) + increased self-efficacy and optimism (believe in our ability to achieve) → hope + motivation and appetite for growth and change * Advantages over coaching for compliance: higher perceived quality of the coaching relationship, higher willingness to exert effort to pursue coaching goals, setting a higher number of goals, increased joy in pursuing coaching goals. * Focused goals without the context of a long-term vision can result in short-term behavior modification but may lack the emotional commitment required to sustain one’s strivings over an extended period of time. * Typical leadership development efforts in organizations are deficit-based, beginning with multisource feedback that triggers a leader’s real self and ensuing NEA state, potentially resulting in sporadic or short-term change. It might make sense to start an assignment with visioning, and then do the multisource feedback. * A personal vision is an expression of an individual’s **ideal self and ideal future**. It encompasses dreams, values, passions, purpose, sense of calling, and core identity. It represents not just what a person desires to _do_, but also who she wishes to _be_. * What a vision is _not_: a strategy, a set of actions or obligations, nor a forecast of what is likely. * Ask people to think in terms of **ten to fifteen years in the future**. This allows the person to envision themselves authentically, free from any immediate concerns, salient plans, or what’s socially expected or accepted. * _“If your life were ideal (you could substitute incredible, amazing, awesome, etc., here) ten to fifteen years from now, what would it be like?”_ * Ask them to reflect on their future life and work: dreams and hopes regarding physical health, romantic life and friendships, family health, spiritual health, community involvement, etc. * Developing a picture of where we’d like to go serves as a compass, pointing us toward our destination; it allows us to see various routes to travel versus just one and keeps us on the best path to reach it. * Start the coaching process by exploring a person’s ideal self and translating that into an outward expression of some sort, often a written statement or an image. * It will be obvious when the vision is “well-baked” because the individual is often filled with energy and can’t wait to get started. * **Goals** ask people to declare something to which they aspire and are supposed to achieve. For many people (other than those with a high need for achievement), this creates an obligation. The obligation creates stress and arouses the NEA. The goal then may become something to avoid rather than pursue. * Also: When we set a goal, we begin to think of how to work toward it. This invokes the AN, which invokes a stress response and often impairs thinking (narrow focus). * **Performance orientation**: Emphasizes a demonstration of competence in pursuit of external recognition and achieving specific goals. * When the task is simple or routine by comparison, performance goals motivate greater performance by providing direction and clarity. * **Learning orientation**: Characterized by a desire to acquire deep knowledge and skill mastery to apply to a variety of current and potential scenarios. * When a task is complex and requires learning and adaptation, learning goals lead to better performance. * Goals do play a role in vision-based coaching, particularly in setting a learning agenda. ICT may provide a macro-structure in which more targeted coaching practices, such as motivational interviewing or cognitive-behavioral techniques, can take place. * **Vision dysfunction**: * **Escape fantasies** not grounded in reality can thwart self-regulatory efforts at development. * Visioning can create openness that is **too unfocused or scattered** to be usefully directed. * Visioning that takes the form of **rumination** on painful past or anticipated future experiences can be detrimental to those suffering from mental health disorders. * The individual might exhibit extreme resistance to exploring their ideal self. In these situations, it’s better to use a different approach to foster a PEA state, e.g., discussing important relationships that they value. Authors’ key learning points: * A personal vision is a holistic, comprehensive expression of a person’s ideal self and ideal future, including dreams, sense of calling, passion, purpose, and core values. * A personal vision should be more like a visual dream than specific goals. * A personal vision should be highly important and meaningful to the person. * Although some aspects of a person’s personal vision will change during various phases of life and work, others, such as core values and a sense of purpose, often remain the same. Exercises: * **Reflect on your values**: How much are your choices and actions motivated by particular values? For instance, take the [Intrinsic Values test](https://programs.clearerthinking.org/intrinsic_values_graphic/graphic.html). * **Catch your dreams**: You will need a pack of sticky notes and a large piece of flip chart paper for this exercise. Using the notes, list things you would like to do or experience in your lifetime until you get to twenty-seven. Write each idea on a separate note. These are things that you’ve not yet begun or completed. Some tips to help: allow yourself to think freely and without imposing practical constraints. Reflect back to your childhood and what you dreamed of doing someday. Turn off the inner critic—it’s impossible to dream while simultaneously being judged. After your best attempt to write as many as possible, place your notes on a piece of flip-chart paper and group them into themes; for example: career, family, travel, health, adventure, spirituality, material goods, professional development, recreation. Write the theme near the sticky note groupings. * **Winning the lottery**: You’ve just won the super lottery and received $80 million. How would your life and work change? * **A day in your life… fifteen years from now**: It is fifteen years from today. You are living your ideal life. You are living in a location that you have always dreamed about. You are living with the people with whom you most want to be living. If work is part of your ideal image, you are doing the type and amount of work you love. A netcam is attached to your shirt or blouse. What images would we see in a video stream of your day? Where would you be? What are you doing? Who else is there? * **My legacy**: What would you wish to have as your legacy in life? In other words, what will remain or continue as a result of you having lived and worked all of these years? * **Reflect on your passion**: What am I most committed to in life? What are the things that excite me and make me feel alive, useful, and engaged in meaningful activity and relationships? What issue or cause is an enduring theme in my life? * **Reflect on your purpose**: If I could accomplish something meaningful in my life, it would be… If I could make an important contribution through my work, it would be… * **Elements of your personal vision**: Capture key themes from the above exercises. These may be words, phrases, or complete sentences. * Purpose: How do you want to make a difference in the world? * Passion: What do you deeply care about? * Values: What guides your thoughts, feelings, and behavior? * Future: How would you describe your ideal life in the future? * **Vision statement**: Pull these reflections together into a comprehensive statement of your desired future. This statement can take many forms, depending on what is inspiring and energizing to you. You may find it helpful to begin with a brief overview of _who you want to be_ and _what you want to do_ in the future. Then, expand beyond this a few paragraphs or a few pages. Length and format do not matter. Further reading: * Boyatzis, R.E., Smith, M., Van Oosten, E. & Woolford, L. (2013). [Developing Resonant Leaders through Emotional Intelligence, Vision and Coaching](https://d396qusza40orc.cloudfront.net/coaching/Readings/developing%20resonant%20leaders.pdf), Organizational Dynamics, (42,1). pp. 17-24. Copyright Elsevier, 2013 * The coach’s initial framing of the session predominantly in the PEA (or, alternatively, predominantly in the NEA) fosters emotional processing that is driven by this initial framing. Early arousal of the coachee’s PEA, accompanied by recurrent PEA–NEA induction, may help coachees be/become more creative, optimistic, and resilient during a given change process. * Broaden and build effect: positive emotions broaden and build thought-action repertoires and attentional focus; speed recovery from negative emotional experiences and crises; optimize emotional well-being, physical health, and resilience; and undo the damaging effects of negative emotion. * Coaches can benefit from better understanding the importance of tapping intrinsic motivation and personal passions through coaching to vision/the PEA. Coaches additionally may benefit from better understanding how to leverage the long-term advantages, and restorative benefits, of positive emotions during coaching engagements. * Grounding the change process primarily in vision/the PEA, and secondarily in the Real Self/NEA, does not compromise an actor’s engagement in capacity-building coping responses and involvement in meeting extrinsic requirements. * When NEA arousal occurs within a change event that is framed by early PEA arousal, the individual is more resilient and flexible in overcoming challenges and stressors identified through negative emotional processing. * Coaching primarily to vision/the PEA, and secondarily to the Real Self/NEA, leverages the advantages of both positive and negative emotion. * Spending too much time in the NEA may cause one to become diminished or depressed. * Spending too much time in the PEA may lead to over-optimism, over-comfort or complacency. * The optimal ratio seems around 3-6:1 PEA to NEA to account for negativity bias, that is, the fact that negative emotions weigh more heavily than positive ones. * Timing: The timing and sequence of affect induction may play an influential role in the change process. * Early PEA arousal, followed by the interplay of positive and negative affect, organizes emotional self-regulation that enables coachees (a) to initially ground the change effort in intrinsic motivation triggered by PEA arousal; (b) as the change process unfolds, to handle salient challenges and stressors through proactive coping responses triggered by NEA arousal; and (c) to continually re-center and reenergize through adaptive behaviors moved by PEA arousal. * Initially framing a new activity as promotion-focused (primary focus on vision/the Ideal Self) fosters a willingness to adopt it, but once the activity has begun, reframing it as prevention-focused (secondary focus on improvement needs/the Real Self) fosters interest in meeting or completing the activities’ requirements. ### Chapter 7: Cultivating a resonant relationship _Listen beyond what you hear._ My highlights: * **High-quality connection (HQC)**: Positive mutual regard for and commitment to each other, shared vulnerability and responsiveness to each other, equal benefit from interactions. * 1. **Emotional carrying capacity**: Allows a full range of positive and negative emotions to be shared. * 2. **Tensility**: The capacity of the connection to adapt and bounce back through various situations and contexts. * 3. **Degree of connectivity**: The extent to which the connection encourages generativity and openness to new ideas. * Perceived Quality of the Employee Coaching Relationship (PQECR): An instrument to gage the quality of the coaching relationship. See [this paper](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232592956_It's_not_me_it's_you_A_multilevel_examination_of_variables_that_impact_employee_coaching_relationships) and [this paper](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/238319205_Employee_coaching_relationships_Enhancing_construct_clarity_and_measurement). * **Distinctiveness of the relationship**: The extent to which the coaching relationship is tailored to coachee’s needs. * **Genuineness of the relationship**: How genuine the coachee perceives the coach and relationship to be. * **Effective communication**: How well the coach communicates with the coachee, as well as how ‘available’ the coachee perceives the coach to be. * **Comfort with the relationship**: How comfortable the subordinate is working with their coach and discussing their needs or goals with the coach. * **Facilitating development**: The extent to which the coaching relationship facilitates learning and development for the coachee. * Ethical practice: * Follow common standards for ethical practice. The Center for Credentialing and Education (CCE) and the International Coach Federation (ICF) have well-developed, publicly available codes of ethics. * 1. **Flourishing** **is the main goal**: Help others realise their aspirations and grow into the best version of themselves. Broaden and build. * 2. **Always have a** **contract**: It should be a written contract that is agreed on and signed by all parties involved, specifying roles, responsibilities, and expectations. * 3. **Maintain** **confidentiality**. * 4. **Know your** **boundaries** and keep them clear between you and the individual you’re helping. Refer the coachee to a specialist if necessary. * Coaching mindset: * 1. Believe that **individual change is a process, not an event**. Growth and development take time. * 2. **Mine for gold**, don’t dig for dirt. Look for gold in the other person. * 3. The **coachee owns the agenda**. Keep the agenda flexible and meet others wherever they are. Know the end goal and stay true to it but allow the individual to have a say and choice in how you use your time together more often than not. * _“I’ll be the keeper of our process but this is your process. So we can customize this in any way that helps you reach your goals for our time together.”_ * 4. Be fully **present and mindful** of yourself as well as the other person. * Active listening: Giving your full attention to the other person and listening with all of your senses. * Intention: To fully understand the other person’s idea or message and demonstrate respect for their point of view, even if you disagree with it. * Relax (don’t suppress — that’s NEA territory for the coach) the urge to quickly evaluate and react to what you hear. It creates a barrier to listening. * You hear others through the filter of who you think they are. Try to be aware of implicit biases. * 3 levels of listening: * **1st level: Internal listening**. The attention is on ourselves, focussed on how we relate to what is being said. Connecting begins at this level as you find common ground around which to connect. * **2nd level: Focused listening**. The attention is on the other person, with curiosity about what they are saying. The goal is to understand, not solve or influence. * **3rd level: Listening beyond the words**. This adds a bigger context to our listening and includes how we’re experiencing the other person, what issue might lie behind what they’re saying, how what they’re saying fits into the broader picture we have of them. This is where trust begins and depth resides in a relationship. * Empathy: The ability to put ourselves in the shoes of another person (or group) and imagine what the individual is seeing, thinking, and feeling as if we were that individual while realizing that we are not. It has three facets: * 1. **Cognitive empathy** involves conceptually understanding the perspective of another person and involves the AN. * To the other person, this might feel like you’re a little distant, being more interested in the issues and not the person. * 2. **Emotional empathy** is the ability to be emotionally in tune with another person and feel what she feels. It activates the EN. It’s easier to access emotional empathy if we see ourselves as similar to another person. * To the other person, this feels genuine and authentic, like you’re really with them. * 3. **Behavioral empathy** (also: empathic concern) is the motivation to respond to help another person in some way. * 80-20 rule: As a coach, aim to speak only 20 percent of the time, allowing the individual you’re helping to speak 80 percent. * WAIT: “Why am I talking?” * Carl Rogers classic article “[Barriers and Gateways to Communication](https://hbr.org/1991/11/barriers-and-gateways-to-communication)”: * The greatest barrier to effective communication is the tendency to evaluate what another person is saying and therefore to misunderstand or to not really “hear.” * Checking the natural tendency to judge yields a better understanding of the person with whom you are communicating. * A better understanding of the other person’s point of view in turn helps you communicate better. Authors’ key learning points: * The relationship between a coach and coachee or helper and person being helped is the heart of any developmental relationship. * The relationship needs to be resonant to be high quality, which means it is characterized by an overall positive emotional tone, a shared vision, and shared compassion. * When striving to coach or help others to change, approach the relationship with a coaching mindset. * Change is a process, not an event, and it takes time. * Believe that gold exists within every person and your main job is to help move tons of dirt to find the treasure. * Stay focused on the other person, not on the process or the problem. * Let the person drive the agenda more often than you do. * Deep, active listening on the part of the coach is fundamental and essential to build high-quality helping relationships. Exercises: * Over the course of the next week or so, notice the conversations you have with others. Note if and how other people listen to you, and how you listen to them. Note any patterns that emerge in these conversations with regard to how each person listens to each other. * During your ride to work (not recommended if you are the person driving) or some other moment of downtime early in your day, reflect on earlier interactions you had that morning with your spouse, partner, children, parents, or roommates. What did you talk about? How well did you listen? Did you hear what they were saying and how they felt about it? * Focus on one conversation at work each day, whether in a group meeting or a one-on-one conversation. Then talk to the person afterward and tell them what you heard and felt they were trying to communicate. Check to see if that is what they meant. Further reading: * Howard, A. R. (2015). [Coaching to vision versus coaching to improvement needs: a preliminary investigation on the differential impacts of fostering positive and negative emotion during real time executive coaching sessions](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00455/full). Personality and Social Psychology, 455. ### Chapter 8: Creating a culture of coaching or helping _Pathways to transform the organization._ My highlights: * Three main approaches to offer coaching in organizations: * 1. Encouraging **peer coaching** in pairs or teams: Two or more people with roughly equal status come together to help each other with personal and professional development in a formalized environment with clear boundaries. * Use activities and group norms that are more PEA to help the members be more open and feel the emotional encouragement that the group can provide. * Develop a personal board of directors: key relationships and sources of support. * Over time, peer coaching groups can morph into a social identity group, that is, a group with shared values/meaning. They can provide a larger purpose to the individual. * Does the social identity group help an individual move closer to their vision, or is it holding them back? * In life transitions, moving out of social identity groups of the past and entering new ones can be challenging. * 2. Offering **professional internal or external coaches**: When selecting a coach, look for converging evidence from personal referrals, formal education, and certification in a variety of approaches. * Common coach certification programs fall into two categories: * Universities and training companies that “certify” that a person has learned the institution’s particular approach to coaching, its techniques, or method. * Associations or companies that “certify” that the person is a credible coach (e.g., International Coach Federation (ICF)). This is a certification based on their group’s competency model. However, there are no published studies showing which competencies or characteristics of particular coaches enable them to be more effective than others. It’s just based on the opinions of current coaches about what works. * 3. **Training managers** to provide coaching to direct reports: Authors’ key learning points: * In families and other informal social groups, as well as communities, a culture of helping others develop and be open to learning would help us all adapt to an ever-changing world. * Creating an effective coaching/helping culture in work organizations requires careful assessment of need, centralized access to and allocation of coaches, and sometimes centralized coach training and certification to ensure quality. * There are three basic approaches to offering coaching services in organizations: (1) encourage and train staff to peer coach in pairs or teams; (2) train managers and executives to provide coaching to their direct reports and maybe even peers; and (3) provide access to internal or external coaches (people professionally trained as coaches and typically certified by some professional group). * A high-quality coaching relationship amplifies both job engagement and career satisfaction, and can be leveraged to help organizations develop and retain their best and brightest talent, especially among special and at-risk groups such as emerging leaders, minority groups, and women. * Peer coaching is simply the coming together of two or more people for the purpose of personal or professional development. It can be formal or informal, and within or outside a particular organization. The developmental purpose can supplement other reasons for the group existing. * Peer-coaching relationships blossom through caring, compassion, resonance, understanding, and shared purpose. They are durable, sustainable, and promote a positive emotional contagion that can become the basis of an organizational norm. * Be wary of peer-coaching relationships turning to the “dark side” and focusing primarily on the negative. * MBA programs that focus on team learning and relationships demonstrate tangible benefits beyond the education phase itself. A proactive focus on peer coaching can pay for itself down the line by enhancing the integration of learning for each member. * Peer-coaching groups promote an intimate involvement among all members of the group, which results in enduring social bonds outside the organization. Evidence suggests that such groups can create and consolidate a healthy collective identity. Exercises: * Make a list of all the social identity groups you’re currently a part of. Then, ask yourself for each one of them: * What does this group do for you? * Does your experience in this group on the whole activate the positive emotional attractor or the negative emotional attractor? Do you feel compassionate, hopeful, playful, mindful, when you’re engaging and interacting with people, or do you feel defensive, threatened or under the gun? * Is this group helping you move closer to your vision, or is it holding you back? * Is this group a supportive, energizing part of your future, or is it a part of the comfort and habits of your past? ### Chapter 9: Recognizing coachable moments _Seize the opportunity._ My highlights: * Identifying a coachable moment comprises two aspects: * 1. Observing a **critical situation or learning opportunity** that the individual may or may not be aware of. * 2. Correctly perceiving that the individual is **open and ready for reflection** and learning around that opportunity. The person needs to be ready to be coached or else the impact will be far less meaningful. * **Stages of change model (Prochaska)**: * In the pre-contemplation stage, individuals are clearly not yet ready to change; the need or desire to change is not even on their radar. * In the contemplation stage, they still aren’t quite ready to change, but they are at least thinking about it and trying to get themselves ready to do so. * It is not until they reach the preparation stage that they are truly ready to change, however. * One category of coachable moments are times of life or career transitions, e.g., the first two years in a new job. * When working with people whose environments are restrictive, the best approach is to focus on their core values—those beliefs about what is right, good, true—which are fundamental to being, living, and if appropriate, leading authentically. From that foundation, they can often consider behaviors and actions that can be seen, altered, and experimented with day-to-day in support of their values. Authors’ key learning points: * A coachable moment involves a potentially critical situation or learning opportunity of which the person to be coached may or may not be fully aware, and the coach correctly perceives that the individual is both open and ready for reflection and learning around that situation or opportunity. * Capitalizing on coachable moments often involves assessing and potentially enhancing the readiness of the individual to be coached. If an individual is not ready to be coached, the extent of their coaching-facilitated change is likely to be limited. ### Chapter 10: The call of compassion _An invitation to dream._ My highlights: * Whose list will you be on? It may be our most enduring legacy in life—making a difference in other people’s lives. * Take care of yourself. Dose yourself with renewal every day. Even with the best of intentions, people cannot inspire and help others to learn and grow when they slip into the NEA themselves. It is the coaches responsibility to sustain themselves and emote the positive emotional contagion that can only come from experiencing the PEA more than being in the NEA. ### Crafting a learning plan * **Statement of personal career vision**: Based on the vision exercises above, write a short personal career vision statement that captures the essence of what you want to achieve with your career. In 7-10 years from now: Where will you be in your career? What will you find exciting and challenging in your career? What kind of results will you be achieving? Where will you be in your life? In summary, what do you aspire to do and who do you wish to be? * **Summary of current and distinctive strengths**: Based on information from other sources (feedback from other people, performance reviews, work experiences, etc.), what are your top strengths? These are the basis for your current successes, and the foundation from which to develop additional competencies. * **High priority competency development areas**: What are the most important competencies you will need in order to move closer to your ideal career and life vision? Of these competencies, which ones do you have the most energy to develop? * **Goals, action steps, and milestones**: * What are 2-4 specific goals you are willing to commit to, that will move you closer to your ideal career and life vision? Your goals could be linked to competencies, i.e. empathy, emotional self-awareness, etc, could be a career goal or could be more of a quality, i.e. to express my emotions more often and comfortably. * Under each goal, consider the action you will take to help you make progress in reaching your goal. Action steps are very specific, concrete things you will do to achieve your goals. * For each goal, consider milestones which are indicators of progress and success. To think about milestones, answer the question: how will I know if what I’m doing is working? * Example: * Goal: I will assume a leadership position in my community through my work with the Boys and Girls Club in the next year. * Action Step: I will submit my name for the annual officer elections in October. * Action Step: I will meet with two current officers to learn more about their experiences and to help me discern which role would be the best fit for me. * Milestone: By April 6, 2017 I will have met with at least one of the two officers and created a list of the positives and negatives of each role and how my strengths and interests align. %% ## Highlights - When it comes to coaching other people, our research shows that excavating and articulating an individual’s personal vision is crucial. More than resolving immediate problems and more than trying to help someone achieve a set of prescribed goals or meet certain standards, uncovering a person’s hopes and dreams is the key that unlocks positive emotions and intrinsic motivation—and propels that person to genuine, lasting change. ([Location 120](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=120)) - To be a truly effective teacher, she decided, she’d somehow have to learn what her students were thinking about—what mattered to them.1 She asked them to complete the following sentence: “I wish my teacher knew . . .” ([Location 127](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=127)) - We all need help to make important changes in our lives and work and to learn new things. ([Location 151](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=151)) - We’ve based this book on the premise that, when done effectively, coaching and helping of all kinds create three specific changes in people ([Location 159](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=159)) - First, they will find or reaffirm and articulate their personal vision, including dreams, passion, purpose, and values. Second, they will experience changes in behavior, thoughts, and/or feelings that will move them closer to realizing their personal vision. And third, they will build or maintain what we call a resonant relationship with the coach or helper and ideally with other supportive people in their lives. ([Location 160](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=160)) - In our attempt to coach a person seeking help, most of us naturally take a problem-centered approach, focusing on the gaps between where they are and where we think they should or could be. We are trying to fix them. This does not work well, if at all, to motivate sustained learning, change, or adaptation. It might, at times, lead to quick corrective action. But when people do respond, they often do so out of a sense of obligation and lack the inner motivation needed to manifest the change they desire. Or they feel the need to do something, even if it is not a sustainable solution. That is the key: Is the effort sustainable? Will it last? Does the person have the deep commitment needed to continue the effort toward change or learning? ([Location 169](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=169)) - But our research tells us that when the context is a gap or a shortfall that needs addressing, the energy and effort needed to sustain change is typically absent. Conversely, when the context is a long-term dream or vision, people draw energy from that vision and are able to sustain their effort to change, even through difficult times. ([Location 175](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=175)) - When a coach or other type of helper is able to craft such a context, we call this coaching with compassion—that is, coaching with a genuine sense of caring and concern, focusing on the other person, providing support and encouragement, and facilitating the discovery and pursuit of that person’s dreams and passions. ([Location 177](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=177)) - coaching for compliance—where, rather than helping someone articulate and fulfill a desired future, the coach attempts to facilitate the person’s movement toward some externally defined objective. ([Location 181](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=181)) - To make changes stick, our research shows that it has to be intentional and internally motivated rather than imposed from the outside. That’s why coaching with compassion starts with a person articulating his ideal self or vision for himself—as ([Location 195](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=195)) - positive emotional attractor (PEA) ([Location 198](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=198)) - negative emotional attractor (NEA)—usually triggered by shoulds or outside mandates—and ([Location 199](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=199)) - Nevertheless, both the PEA and NEA are needed for growth—it’s just a matter of getting the “dosage” and sequence right in order to be effective rather than inhibiting. ([Location 200](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=200)) - The research began in 1967, with studies on how adults helped each other develop or didn’t. Longitudinal research (i.e., tracking people over time) about behavior change in arenas from management to addiction was completed in companies, government agencies, nonprofits, graduate school programs, and hospitals around the world. This research was followed by almost twenty years of hormonal and neuroimaging studies. We ([Location 212](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=212)) - we teach together in our Coach Certificate Program at the Weatherhead School of Management. ([Location 217](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=217)) - The Coaching Research Lab (CRL) was formed in 2014. The CRL brings together scholars and practitioners to advance coaching research. Our massive, open, online course (MOOC), “Conversations That Inspire: Coaching Learning, Leadership, and Change,” was started in 2015. ([Location 218](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=218)) - coaching as a “facilitative or helping relationship with the purpose of achieving some type of change, learning, or new level of individual or organizational performance.” ([Location 308](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=308)) - International Coaching Federation (ICF): “Coaching is partnering with an individual or group in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.” ([Location 310](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=310)) - People who influence others most often (1) serve as a source of inspiration, (2) show a genuine sense of caring and concern, (3) provide support and encouragement, and (4) facilitate the discovery and pursuit of the dreams and passions of the people they are coaching/trying to help. ([Location 351](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=351)) - emotional and social intelligence (ESI) ([Location 370](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=370)) - By helping individuals identify and pursue their dreams, truly effective coaches and other helpers build and maintain resonant relationships with the people they coach. These relationships are characterized by (1) an overall positive emotional tone and (2) a genuine, authentic connection with the person being coached. There is a sense of flow in the relationship, with the coach being in tune with the person she is intending to help. ([Location 409](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=409)) - built a quality relationship based on genuine care and concern—essential elements of coaching ([Location 433](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=433)) - She did this by asking Neil meaningful questions and attentively connecting with him around his responses. But she was also willing to engage in a certain degree of self-disclosure, occasionally sharing things about herself in the service of Neil’s development and their coaching relationship. Claire’s sharing and her willingness to demonstrate vulnerability also served as a model for Neil, making him more comfortable openly sharing things that became useful in his development.7 ([Location 434](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=434)) - The kind of resonant relationship that Claire established while coaching Neil typically involves at least three elements: (1) the experience of mindfulness, (2) the arousal of hope, and (3) the demonstration of compassion. ([Location 438](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=438)) - When coaches are mindful, they are fully present with the person they are coaching, staying in the moment with full and conscious awareness. They are completely tuned into that person and what they are saying, as well as what they seem to be feeling. Coaches who are mindful are also very self-aware, understanding what they are personally thinking and feeling at any given moment and being careful not to project their own thoughts and feelings onto the person they are coaching. ([Location 440](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=440)) - For people to become their ideal future selves, they have to understand what gives them meaning and purpose in life and feel hopeful that it’s possible to achieve. Thus an effective coach poses questions that invite reflection and uncover what is most important and meaningful to the individual. ([Location 446](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=446)) - Effective coaches therefore help create that sense of hope, instilling a sense of confidence in the people they coach that the ideal future they envision is indeed achievable with intentional, focused effort. ([Location 448](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=448)) - effective coaches demonstrate their care for others. ([Location 450](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=450)) - Instead, such coaches care deeply and are willing to act on that concern, offering guidance and support as necessary to help the individuals they are coaching achieve their dreams. ([Location 451](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=451)) - key learning points Great coaches inspire, encourage, and support others in the pursuit of their dreams and the achievement of their full potential. We call this coaching with compassion. We contrast this with coaching for compliance, in which a coach attempts to move an individual toward some externally defined objective. ([Location 479](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=479)) - Coaching others to truly achieve sustained, desired change requires developing a resonant relationship with them. A resonant relationship is one characterized by an authentically compassionate connection and a positive emotional tone. ([Location 482](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=482)) - Intentional Change Theory (ICT) is based on the understanding that significant behavioral change does not take place in a linear fashion. It does not begin with a starting point and then progress smoothly until the desired change has been completed. Instead, behavioral change tends to occur in discontinuous bursts or spurts, which Boyatzis describes as discoveries. Five such discoveries must occur for an individual to make a sustained desired change in behavior. ([Location 582](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=582)) - discovery 1: the ideal self Helping people with the first of these discoveries begins with an exploration and articulation of their ideal self, answering such questions as “Who do I really want to be?” and “What do I really want to do with my life?”5 Note that this is not just about career planning. It is much more holistic. It is about helping people envision an ideal future in all aspects of their life, taking into consideration but not being limited by their current life and career stage. The helper or coach encourages them to draw on their own sense of self-efficacy and tap into feelings of hope and optimism about what might be possible. They will also be encouraged to reflect on their core values, core identity, and what they see as their calling or purpose in life. ([Location 594](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=594)) - When coaching individuals toward discovering their ideal self, be sure they are tapping into who they really want to be and what they really want to do. Too often, people think they are articulating an ideal self when, in fact, they are describing what could be called an “ought” self—who they think they ought to be, or what others think they ought to be doing with their lives. ([Location 607](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=607)) - An effective way to help people fully explore their ideal self is to have them craft a personal vision statement. ([Location 616](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=616)) - In some of our programs and courses we show the video Celebrate What’s Right with the World, narrated by photojournalist and corporate trainer DeWitt Jones.6 In it, Jones stresses the importance of having a personal vision. He encourages viewers to boil that vision down to a six-word statement that they can memorize and that will inspire them each day. As a coach, that’s one of the most powerful things you can do to help people make meaningful, sustained change: help them find the passion and enthusiasm associated with identifying their ideal self and articulating a personal vision statement. ([Location 621](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=621)) - discovery 2: the real self Coaching people on the second discovery of the intentional change process involves helping them uncover an accurate view of their real self. This is not just about assessing strengths and weaknesses. Instead, it is about helping them identify holistically and authentically who they are relative to who they want to be as expressed in their personal vision. ([Location 626](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=626)) - An important role for the coach during this discovery is to help individuals identify the areas of their lives where their ideal self and real self are already aligned. Those areas are their strengths, which can be leveraged later in the change process. ([Location 629](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=629)) - identify any areas where their real self is not currently aligned with their ideal self. These represent gaps that can ideally be closed through targeted behavioral change efforts. ([Location 631](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=631)) - Thus, to help the people they are coaching enhance their self-awareness and develop a more comprehensive view of their real self, the coach should suggest they periodically seek feedback from others. In other words, regardless of their intentions, how do others actually perceive them? ([Location 635](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=635)) - better indicator of self-awareness is actually people’s prediction of how others see them measured against how others actually see them.7 A good coach will therefore help individuals being coached gain a greater degree of self-awareness, and hence a better sense of their real self, by helping them develop their capacity to “tune in” and effectively read how they are perceived by others. ([Location 644](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=644)) - First, a coach or other helper can ask individuals to honestly assess the things that they tend to do well (or be good at) and the things they tend to not do so well (or not be so good at). Research suggests that this self-assessment may be biased—but it’s still an important part of the process. Next, following the advice of Scott Taylor, the coach should have the individuals predict how others would assess them on key behaviors of interest. And finally, they can actually seek informal feedback from others to see to what extent their predictions of how they’re perceived by others match others’ actual perceptions. ([Location 650](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=650)) - discovery 3: the learning agenda The third step in the intentional change process is crafting a learning agenda. The coach or other helper first asks individuals to revisit the strengths identified in the previous discovery and then think about possible ways those strengths might be utilized to close any relevant gaps. The key here is for people to think about what they’re most excited to try in the way of behavior changes to help them grow closer to their ideal self. This is different than a performance improvement plan where they focus on addressing all their shortcomings. That begins to feel like work and can actually inhibit the change process. Rather, the coach should help individuals recognize that if they continue to do what they’ve always done, they’ll continue to be who they’ve always been. To change, they’ll have to do some things differently. ([Location 671](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=671)) - Getting a feel for which path is most exciting is another way to check that you are on the way toward your purpose and vision rather than someone else’s notion of what you should do. ([Location 680](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=680)) - discovery 4: experimenting with and practicing new behaviors This is the fourth discovery in the intentional change process, where the coach encourages the individual to continually try new behaviors and actions, even if they don’t always lead to the intended outcome. Experimentation efforts sometimes fail, and that’s okay. That’s the nature of experimentation. If something doesn’t work as anticipated, the coach should encourage the person to either try it again or try something else. ([Location 688](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=688)) - To trigger the desired “a-ha” of this fourth discovery, the key is to continue experimenting until people find something that works for them. Then the coach can help them shift their experimentation efforts into actual practice, which is the second half of the fourth discovery. At this point, it’s critically important to practice and then practice some more. But many people stop short of that, practicing only to the point where they feel comfortable with the new behavior. That’s fine for temporary behavior change, but it doesn’t work consistently when we are rushed, overwhelmed, angry, sleep-deprived, or under stress and aren’t thinking clearly. That’s when we’re likely to fall back on old behaviors. But if we can keep practicing until we move beyond comfort to the point of mastery, we can change our behavior in truly sustainable ways. ([Location 697](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=697)) - discovery 5: resonant relationships and social identity groups In coaching to the fifth and final discovery of the intentional change process, a helper or coach helps people recognize that they’ll need continued assistance from a network of trusting, supportive relationships with others. Making significant behavioral change can be difficult, and it’s even harder in isolation. Change efforts will be more successful when embedded within what we describe as resonant relationships, based on genuine, authentic connection that has an overall positive emotional tone. ([Location 716](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=716)) - In addition to support, one function is what we call reality testing. This means helping people get beyond their own blind spots. ([Location 743](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=743)) - The key here is that the desire to motivation for change has to outweigh the obligation or motivation. ([Location 754](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=754)) - When coaching for compliance, even if it is well intentioned, a coach often elicits a defensive response from the person being coached. People tend to experience this as a stress response accompanied by negative emotions and activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which in turn triggers a number of hormonal processes that essentially shut down the capacity to learn or change in any way. At this point, people have been thrust into the zone of the negative emotional attractor (NEA), ([Location 767](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=767)) - Coaching with compassion elicits a very different response. With a vision of a desired future state and focus on strengths rather than weaknesses, positive emotions are stimulated rather than negative. The energy and excitement around this positive emotional attractor (PEA) activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which sets into motion a set of physiological responses that put the person in a more relaxed and open state. Creative juices flow. New neural pathways form in the brain, thus paving the way for new learning and sustained behavioral change to occur. ([Location 781](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=781)) - When we coded these shared reflections for which aspects of the intentional change process were primarily involved, we found that approximately 80 percent of the moments people recalled involved someone helping them tap into their dreams, aspirations, core values, and/or strengths. In essence, they helped them discover their ideal self or appreciate their distinctive capabilities. Conversely, when we asked them to recall people who had tried to help them, but who were not necessarily successful in doing so, we found that well over half of the instances recalled involved someone giving them feedback on areas where they needed to improve. In other words, they focused on their gaps or weaknesses. ([Location 804](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=804)) - Too often, the people trying to help them unknowingly trigger a stress response, tipping them into the negative emotional attractor and making them physically less capable of making change. ([Location 810](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=810)) - key learning points Coaching with compassion begins by helping a person explore and clearly articulate her ideal self and a personal vision for her future. This often means helping her tease out the distinction between her “ideal” self and “ought” self. ([Location 824](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=824)) - To help individuals build self-awareness, ensure that they consider their strengths and weaknesses in the context of their personal vision statement first. A useful tool for this is the personal balance sheet (PBS). The PBS guides the individual to consider assets (strengths) and liabilities (gaps or weaknesses). To ignite the energy for change, coaches should encourage those they help to focus two to three times more attention on strengths than weaknesses. Rather than creating performance improvement plans in which individuals focus on their shortcomings, the learning agenda should focus on behavior changes that they feel most excited to try—changes that would help them grow closer to their ideal self. Coaches should encourage individuals to practice new behaviors beyond the point of comfort. Only continual practice leads to mastery. Rather than relying solely on a coach for support, individuals need to develop a network of trusted, supportive relationships to assist them in their change efforts. Coaches must be aware of and effectively manage the emotional tone of the coaching conversations. ([Location 826](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=826)) - Our point is this: to help other people, we have to focus on them, not on our vision of how we think things should be. We have to understand them. To understand them, we have to talk to them and discover their views of the world, their situation, and how they feel. It’s true— to effectively coach or help anyone, we need to find out what the other person is feeling as well as thinking. Sadly, what the other person is thinking is often assumed, especially by people in professional helping roles. ([Location 892](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=892)) - A coach who asks thought-provoking questions (“What do you see in your drawing?” “What’s important to you in your life?”) can awaken a person’s PEA, activating parts of the brain that trigger hormones—the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS)—that is associated with emotions such as awe, joy, gratitude, and curiosity. Asking the wrong questions (focusing on things like what an airplane “should” look like in a drawing, or what’s required to get a promotion) arouses a person’s NEA, activating different brain networks and triggering hormones that ([Location 908](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=908)) - activate the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and thus the fear and anxiety associated with the human fight-or-flight response. In fact, studies show that just anticipating a negative event (e.g., thinking about what you “ought” to do), can arouse the NEA! ([Location 912](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=912)) - the PEA essentially acts as a tipping point that helps a person move from one step to another along the five discoveries in our model for intentional change, ultimately leading to sustained desired change. ([Location 919](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=919)) - In educational settings such as Aaron’s classroom, this is called focusing on teaching (what the teachers and administrators have to say) rather than learning (what the students are actually learning).1 In such a setting, education is framed as an expert system, with the teachers and administrators knowing more about the process than the students or parents. ([Location 926](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=926)) - dream a little,” the coach said. “You have just had a great week. You go home and pour yourself a drink and sit down. There’s a smile on your face. You feel you’ve been doing important and good work this past week.” The coach paused and let Darryl get into the fantasy. He could see his face relax. ([Location 1028](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1028)) - process: The coach’s first challenge was to find a way to bring Darryl into the PEA. As long as he remained stuck in the NEA, Darryl could not see his options. In fact, his brain was actually working against him by being defensive and protecting him from potentially harmful thoughts or dreams. But once the coach found a way to help Darryl invoke his PEA, it was like a dam of cognitive and emotional concrete had burst. ([Location 1054](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1054)) - This is how the coach used a variety of ways to invoke the PEA and finally hit upon the one that worked for Darryl at that moment in his life. Most importantly, the coach had to withhold the desire to “fix” Darryl, and that required patience and humility—and sometimes silence while he waited for Darryl to frame his thoughts and share them. ([Location 1058](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1058)) - Often, when a coaching conversation begins, the person being helped arrives in a state of frustration and therefore might spend some time venting or expressing listlessness, as we saw with Darryl Gresham. In those cases, it’s important that the coach expresses empathy so that the other person knows he is being supported. But many training programs teach people in helping roles to go too far, shifting from validating the person’s feelings to becoming an enabler of the NEA. Allowing someone to wallow in her NEA is not helping or supporting her. Rather, she will begin to feel more stressed, not less, and become cognitively impaired, less open to new ideas for change and learning. ([Location 1069](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1069)) - dreams and personal vision The first way to invite the PEA is to help a person feel hopeful about the future. You can do this by asking a person about his dreams and personal vision. ([Location 1096](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1096)) - use of compassion Another powerful experience that simulates the PEA is receiving or expressing compassion or caring for another. We can experience this by helping others less fortunate or in need. We also can feel compassion by feeling grateful to others for how they have helped us. ([Location 1101](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1101)) - The surprising aspect about sensing others’ deep feelings is not that we all have some form of what used to be called telepathic ability. It is how fast it happens. The psychologist Joseph LeDoux documented that it takes about 8 milliseconds for the message of a threat to go from our five senses to the amygdala.17 That is eight-thousandths of a second. This is way below consciousness or conscious recognition, which is typically thought to be about 500 milliseconds, or half a second.18 That’s one reason it’s so important for coaches to be aware of their own emotions and tend to them, before entering any situation in which they hope to help others. Emotional contagion is a real phenomenon! ([Location 1135](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1135)) - Another approach to the PEA is through mindfulness: being tuned into and aware of yourself, others around you, and the natural environment. It is focusing on your context. Decades ago, advice to the stressed was to take time and “smell the roses.” Today, overworked people might practice meditation, prayer, or yoga, or do regular physical exercise that is repetitive, like running. The key is to invoke the PEA by using these techniques to center oneself. ([Location 1145](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1145)) - A few years ago, we saw an increased body of research showing that playfulness, joy, and laughter invokes the PNS and, by extension, the PEA. ([Location 1151](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1151)) - walking in nature The most recently added activity that appears to stimulate the PNS (and therefore the PEA) is walking in nature, perhaps because it stimulates mindfulness.21 The act of walking in the woods (assuming we are not texting or checking email) expands our perception and senses about the world around us—nature, animals, the weather. It is an expanding circle of awareness. ([Location 1157](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1157)) - a resonant helping/coaching relationship Beyond the desirability of helping another person get into the PEA, the actions that invite or invoke the PEA are also those that are characteristic of resonant, more effective, and enduring relationships. This tells us that the quality of the relationship between the coach or other helper and the person being coached is key. ([Location 1161](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1161)) - We have found that three qualities of relationships have this enduring impact on helping others become motivated, learn, and change: shared vision, shared compassion, and shared relational energy. Our close friend and colleague Kylie Rochford has studied various qualities of relationships and finds that these three are essential for both people in a relationship (or all of the people in teams or most people in organizations).22 Vision gives us hope. Compassion gives us a sense of being cared for and caring for others. Relational energy gives us stamina and perseverance (i.e., grit). ([Location 1165](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1165)) - key learning points Asking someone a positive question awakens the PEA, activating a specific network in the brain that triggers hormones in the parasympathetic nervous system (renewal). Asking a negative ([Location 1176](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1176)) - question or question that pulls a defensive response arouses the NEA, activating a different network in the brain, which triggers hormones in the sympathetic nervous system (stress). The PEA is both a state of being open to new ideas and a tipping point along the path of sustained, desired change. Coaching with compassion (i.e., coaching to the PEA) serves both purposes. The PEA is being in PNS arousal; feeling positive and hopeful. The NEA is being in SNS arousal; feeling negative and defensive or fearful. Emotions are contagious, both positive and negative emotions. The contagion spreads at fast speeds (often in milliseconds) and is predominantly below conscious awareness. ([Location 1178](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1178)) - brains use two dominant networks of neurons. He currently thinks it is best to refer to these two networks as the analytic network (AN) (historically, the task positive network) and the empathic network (EN) (historically, the default mode network). ([Location 1293](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1293)) - When a person’s PEA is aroused by some kind of positive guidance or experience, his empathic network was activated at the beginning of the experience. And when his NEA is triggered—by negative feedback or discouraging experience—it’s the analytic network that was activated at the beginning of the experience. ([Location 1296](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1296)) - the renewal system (technically, the parasympathetic nervous system, PNS) versus the stress response (technically, the sympathetic nervous system, SNS). These two states most often go hand in hand, so PNS is usually associated with the EN and SNS is usually associated with the AN. However, they don’t always go together. For instance, someone can find himself in a fight-or-flight stress response and experience activation of either his empathic brain (EN) or analytical brain (AN), depending on whether the situation calls for analytic thinking or empathetic thinking and feeling. Likewise, he can be in renewal (PNS) arousal and experience either empathic or analytic activation. ([Location 1300](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1300)) - alignment of a person’s inner state. That is, how we can evoke the PEA in ourselves and others by inciting positive (versus negative) feelings while simultaneously activating the EN (versus AN)? We can think of these alignments in terms of equations: PEA = EN + PNS + positive feelings NEA = AN + SNS + negative feelings ([Location 1305](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1305)) - Invoking the PEA in the brain is often a threefold process of: (1) inciting positive versus negative feelings; (2) empathic network (EN) versus analytic network (AN) activation; and (3) arousal of the body’s parasympathetic (PNS) versus sympathetic nervous system (SNS). ([Location 1315](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1315)) - the important thing for coaches to understand is that the two networks, the analytic and the empathic, have little overlap and are “antagonistic.”9 That is, they suppress each other. If the analytic network lights up for any reason, the person’s empathic network gets suppressed, at least in that particular moment—and vice versa. ([Location 1321](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1321)) - We need the AN to solve problems, analyze things, make decisions, and focus (i.e., limit our awareness to direct attention on a task or issue). We need the EN to be open to new ideas, scan the environment for trends or patterns, be open to others and emotions, as well as moral concerns (i.e., truly understanding others’ perspectives, not the more analytic activity of making judgments about right and wrong). ([Location 1326](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1326)) - The research referenced in the endnotes from Anthony Jack and his colleagues shows: When people engage in analytic tasks, like financial, engineering, ([Location 1341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1341)) - IT, or physics problems, they activate the analytic network (AN) in their brain. The AN enables a person to focus, solve a problem, and make a decision, and act, but it closes a person perceptually to new ideas, possibilities, and people. When people engage in social tasks in empathic thinking, like helping another person or actively listening to understand, arguing with others, or asking someone for help, they activate the empathic network (EN) in their brain. The EN enables a person to be open to new ideas, people, or emotions and to tune in to others and moral considerations, but might leave a person open to distractions and less immediately prepared to act. The AN and EN are, on the whole, independent networks, and at any given moment they suppress each other. But as professionals, managers, and leaders, we need to use both the AN and EN to be effective. The key is how we cycle between these networks. Balanced oscillation between the networks is associated with high IQ, healthy psychological adjustment, and higher performance. ([Location 1342](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1342)) - effective coaches and other helpers cycle back and forth between addressing the EN and AN.11 They can do it quickly, likely in under a second. The cycle time may be longer or shorter, depending on the activities involved. We also believe that the best coaches are good at matching a specific situation to the network in a person’s brain that they wish to help activate as most appropriate or needed in that situation. ([Location 1351](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1351)) - But the most profound finding was the PEA was strongly associated with activation of the lateral visual cortex, a key brain area involved in imagining things. That means that PEA-based coaching with compassion even for thirty minutes helped to activate brain areas with benefits of being more open to new ideas, change, and learning. Meanwhile, even thirty minutes of NEA-based coaching for compliance tended to activate brain areas that result in narrowed, focused thinking and a defensive experience. ([Location 1392](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1392)) - As a coach (or a manager, teacher, trainer, cleric, or other helper), you want to activate the EN early in the process to help the person become open to new ideas and the possibility of change. It also helps him enter the PEA state, which becomes a tipping point into the five discoveries of sustainable change ([Location 1406](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1406)) - We need the PEA more often than we think. Most of us tolerate negative environments and relationships—sadly, we have come to expect them. Research on states described by the PEA and NEA suggests that, for sustainable change, a person needs to be in the PEA two to five times the frequency or amount of time as in the NEA.26 ([Location 1479](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1479)) - Variety, it turns out, really helps. To combat annoying or chronic stress, being comfortable with using a variety of renewal activities is a potent antidote. ([Location 1527](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1527)) - So variety is important, but so is dosage. Pharmaceutical companies worry about dosage. Our doctors worry about the correct or best dosage. The same applies to renewal activities. For example, studies show that if you were to spend sixty minutes working out as a renewal activity in a day, your battle to reverse the effects of stress would be better suited by breaking that into four separate fifteen-minute activities.31 For example, fifteen minutes of talking with friends about their lives; fifteen minutes of a breathing or meditation or yoga exercise; fifteen minutes of playing with your children or dog (or cat); and fifteen minutes of joking and laughing with friends or family. ([Location 1532](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1532)) - But it’s a good example of how smaller doses, in terms of time and more frequent episodes of renewal activities, are better than longer, less frequent ones. And using a variety of activities in renewal is better than using the same one or two repeatedly. ([Location 1539](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1539)) - key learning points To sustain a change or learning process, a person needs to regularly cycle into the PEA two to five times more often than being in the NEA. Renewal activities in smaller doses in terms of time and more frequent episodes of renewal activities are better than longer, less frequent ones. Renewal using a variety of activities is better than using the same one or two repeatedly. The PEA enables us to thrive by activating renewing, stress-alleviating hormones that produce feelings of safety, hope, and even joy. The NEA helps us survive by activating our stress hormonal response to a threat, namely fight, flight, or freeze. Our brains use two dominant networks of neurons regarding learning and change: the analytic network (AN) and the empathic network (EN). We need the AN to solve problems, analyze things, make decisions, and focus. We need the EN to be open to new ideas, scan the environment for trends or patterns, and be open to others and their emotions, as well as moral concerns. We need both of these networks. Because they are antagonistic and suppress each other, we need to balance time spent in each one. ([Location 1544](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1544)) - Helping people identify their personal vision (what we call coaching to vision) allows them to remember their long-held dreams and provides a platform from which they can take flight and become reality. We know from sports psychology research, meditation, and biofeedback that we can engage emotional commitment if we can give life to our dreams. ([Location 1575](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1575)) - A person’s vision is her image of a possible future. It is not a goal or a strategy. It consists of neither actions nor obligations. It is not a forecast of what is likely. It is a dream! While coaching for performance emphasizes feedback as an intervention, vision-based coaching emphasizes discovery and expression of the coachee’s ideal self as an anchor for the engagement or relationship. The ideal self gives shape and color to what’s desired and needed for the person to be at her best. Put simply, a personal vision is an expression of an individual’s ideal self and ideal future. It encompasses dreams, values, passions, purpose, sense of calling, and core identity.2 It represents not just what a person desires to do, but also who she wishes to be. ([Location 1585](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1585)) - Throughout our lives, we are mostly asked what we want to do and not about the kind of person we aspire to be or what kind of life we wish to lead. ([Location 1593](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1593)) - And while most organizations focus on career goals two to three years out, we advocate that people think in terms of ten to fifteen years in the future. Why? Because a longer time horizon pushes people past the comfort zone of simply responding with their most recent thought or idea or what’s socially expected or accepted. So we ask, “If your life were ideal (you could substitute incredible, amazing, awesome, etc., here) ten to fifteen years from now, what would it be like?” The ([Location 1604](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1604)) - envisions himself authentically in the distant future and free from immediate concerns. ([Location 1610](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1610)) - We think Lewis Carroll best suggested the problem of not having a personal vision in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland when Alice came to a fork in the road, saw the Cheshire Cat in a tree, and asked: “‘Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’ ‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,’ said the Cat. ‘I don’t much care where—,’ said Alice. ‘Then it doesn’t matter,’ said the Cat.’” ([Location 1623](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1623)) - Developing a picture of where we’d like to go—in our career, in our relationships, in our life—serves as a compass, pointing us toward our destination; it allows us to see various routes to travel versus just one and keeps us on the best path to reach it. That’s why it’s important to start the coaching process by exploring a person’s ideal self and translating that into an outward expression of some sort, often a written statement or an image. ([Location 1628](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1628)) - After the vision-based coaching, they felt happier, reported a higher perceived quality of the coaching relationship and expressed more aspirational goals. Participants were also willing to exert significantly more effort to pursue goals set after the PEA-based coaching session than after the NEA-based session, and they found more joy in pursuing them.5 ([Location 1676](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1676)) - Compared with coaching that focused on current problems, vision-based coaching (coaching that emphasizes the PEA) left participants feeling more uplifted emotionally, reporting a higher-quality relationship with their coach and setting a higher number of goals. The goals that participants set were considered deeply important, and individuals indicated more willingness to exert effort to pursue them, despite considering the goals to be as difficult as goals set in the other coaching condition. Source: A. M. Passarelli, “Vision-Based Coaching: Optimizing Resources for Leader Development,” Frontiers in Psychology 6 (2015): 412, doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00412. ([Location 1689](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1689)) - “If your life were perfect in ten to fifteen years,” he asked her, “what would it be like?” ([Location 1707](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1707)) - Richard has begun a series of studies with Udayan Dhar on how a person’s ideal self or personal vision changes over time and events throughout life.7 But even without specific events, Richard and Udayan found in an earlier study that our lives and careers seem to rotate through cycles lasting five to nine years (with an average of seven years). ([Location 1777](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1777)) - Goals ask people to declare something to which they aspire and are supposed to achieve. For many people (other than those with a motive called a high need for achievement, such as people who seek a career in sales), this creates an obligation.9 The obligation creates stress and begins to add to the negative process in the brain that we’ve described throughout this book. The goal then may become something to avoid rather than pursue. ([Location 1785](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1785)) - goals are helpful but differ in usefulness based on the situation. The difference lies in whether the context is performance oriented or learning oriented. ([Location 1789](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1789)) - orientation emphasizes a demonstration of competence in pursuit of external recognition and achieving specific goals. A learning orientation is characterized by a desire to acquire deep knowledge and skill mastery to apply to a variety of current and potential scenarios. ([Location 1790](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1790)) - When a task is complex and requires learning and adaptation, learning goals lead to better performance. Participants stay engaged with the task longer. When the task is simple or routine by comparison, performance goals motivate greater performance by providing direction and clarity. ([Location 1794](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1794)) - When we set a goal, we begin to think of how to work toward it. This invokes the analytical brain. As we first discussed in chapter 5, parts of this network invoke our stress response and often impair us cognitively, emotionally, and physically. By focusing on the goal, we tend to see what is directly in front of us and lose sight of other possibilities on the horizon. ([Location 1797](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1797)) - All of which is to say that discovering one’s personal vision—essentially, an ideal vision of one’s self and one’s future—unleashes positive emotions of hope and excitement that in turn, propels our motivation and appetite for growth and change. Suddenly, we believe that something worthwhile and desirable is going to happen.16 And that hope is propelled by self-efficacy—a belief in our ability to manifest what we set out to do or be—and optimism. So, hope fueled by self-efficacy means that we not only imagine that good things are about to happen, but we also believe in our ability to achieve them. ([Location 1818](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1818)) - A favorite exercise in our leadership development programs is called “Catch Your Dreams” (more pragmatic folks call it the “Bucket List” exercise). The activity asks individuals to consider twenty-seven things that they would like to experience, try, or accomplish in their lifetime. After attempting to write as many as possible on a number of sticky notes, the person is asked to place the notes on a flip chart, then group those ideas into themes. Some examples are: career, family, travel, health, adventure, etc. In group settings, a good next step is to allow time for a “gallery walk.” This is when people can walk around reading others’ flip charts and viewing them as if they are fine art. ([Location 1847](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1847)) - In our work as coaches, we’ve found that helping people uncover a holistic view of their hopes and dreams—one that considers and integrates all aspects of life—helps them to connect with and to develop a more ([Location 1861](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1861)) - The process of helping a person discover her personal vision begins by asking her to reflect on her future life and work: her dreams and hopes regarding her physical health, romantic life and friendships, family health, spiritual health, community involvement, ([Location 1863](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1863)) - But regardless of how the process unfolds, it will be obvious to the coach when the vision is “well-baked” because the individual is often filled with energy and can’t wait to get started. This is inspiration and intrinsic motivation in action. ([Location 1871](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1871)) - key learning points A personal vision is a holistic, comprehensive expression of a person’s ideal self and ideal future, including dreams, sense of calling, passion, purpose, and core values. A personal vision should be more like a visual dream than specific goals. A personal vision should be highly important and meaningful to the person. Although some aspects of a person’s personal vision will change during various phases of life and work, others, such as core values and a sense of purpose, often remain the same. ([Location 1875](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1875)) - EXERCISE A: CATCH YOUR DREAMS You will need a pack of sticky notes and a large piece of flip chart paper for this exercise. Using the notes, list things you would like to do or experience in your lifetime until you get to twenty-seven. Write each idea on a separate note. These are things that you’ve not yet begun or completed. Some tips to help: allow yourself to think freely and without imposing practical constraints. Reflect back to your childhood and what you dreamed of doing someday. Turn off the inner critic—it’s impossible to dream while simultaneously being judged. After your best attempt to write as many as possible, place your notes on a piece of flip-chart paper and group them into themes; for example: career, family, travel, health, adventure, spirituality, material goods, professional development, recreation. Write the theme near the sticky note groupings. ([Location 1881](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1881)) - EXERCISE C: WINNING THE LOTTERY You’ve just won the super lottery and received $80 million. How would your life and work change? ([Location 1947](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1947)) - EXERCISE D: A DAY IN YOUR LIFE . . . FIFTEEN YEARS FROM NOW It is fifteen years from today. You are living your ideal life. You are living in a location that you have always dreamed about. You are living with the people with whom you most want to be living. If work is part of your ideal image, you are doing the type and amount of work you love. A netcam is attached to your shirt or blouse. What images would we ([Location 1949](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1949)) - see in a video stream of your day? Where would you be? What are you doing? Who else is there? ([Location 1952](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1952)) - EXERCISE E: MY LEGACY What would you wish to have as your legacy in life? In other words, what will remain or continue as a result of you having lived and worked all of these years? ([Location 1953](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=1953)) - high-quality connection (HQC)—a connection that is a positive, dyadic, short-term interaction. Experiencing an HQC leaves you feeling alive, uplifted, energetic, and genuinely cared for.2 Positive regard in the interaction goes both ways, meaning it is mutual. Both parties exchange feelings of compassion rooted in an experience of shared vulnerability and responsiveness to each other. ([Location 2014](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2014)) - As Dutton and Heaphy explain, even short-term exchanges between people can result in a high-quality connection, which they describe through three structural dimensions: emotional carrying capacity, tensility, and the degree of connectivity ([Location 2020](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2020)) - Emotional carrying capacity allows a full range of positive and negative emotions to be shared. Tensility refers to the capacity of the connection to adapt and bounce back through various situations and contexts. The degree of connectivity describes the extent to which the connection encourages generativity and openness to new ideas. Dimensions such as emotional carrying capacity have been associated with higher resilience in individuals and their teams. Essentially, sharing more emotions in relationships helps people to be more resilient.4 ([Location 2023](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2023)) - Scholars Kathy Kram and Wendy Murphy suggest that for helping relationships to have transformational impact, the connection needs to be positive and mutually shared. Both the coach or helper and the person being helped have positive mutual regard for each other, share a commitment to their relationship, and benefit equally from their engagement and interactions. ([Location 2027](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2027)) - In the model of Intentional Change Theory presented in chapter 3, resonant relationships are at the center and affect each of the phases of sustained, desired change and the transitions from one phase to another. ([Location 2039](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2039)) - We define a quality relationship along three ([Location 2085](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2085)) - dimensions: the degree of shared vision, shared compassion, and shared relational energy—much ([Location 2086](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2086)) - instruments—the PNEA and the Perceived Quality of the Employee Coaching Relationship (PQECR)—and found that a quality coaching relationship amplified the impact of emotional and social intelligence competencies on the leaders’ personal ([Location 2103](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2103)) - Scholars at the University of Akron suggest that high-quality coaching relationships are characterized by four dimensions: genuineness of the relationship; effective communication; comfort with the relationship; and the extent to which the collaboration facilitates development.20 Another team of researchers studied coaching relationships in a military service academy and found rapport, trust, and commitment to be important.21 (For key caveats to keep in mind when developing a coaching relationship, see the sidebar “The Ethics of Coaching.”) ([Location 2127](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2127)) - there are two in particular with well-developed, publicly available codes of ethics: the Center for Credentialing and Education (CCE) and the International Coach Federation (ICF). ([Location 2136](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2136)) - First, remember that flourishing is the main goal. Above all else, our primary aim in coaching is to help others realize their aspirations and grow into the best version of themselves. Borrowing language from Barbara Frederickson, the spirit of the coach’s work is to broaden and build—it is never to manipulate or control. ([Location 2141](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2141)) - Second—and this one obviously applies mainly to professional coaches—always have a contract, whether your work is sponsored by an individual or an organization. It should be a written contract that is agreed on and signed by all parties involved, specifying roles, responsibilities, and expectations. It’s also useful to include elements of the coaching process and the time period for the work to be completed. ([Location 2144](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2144)) - Third, maintain confidentiality. The relationship between a coach and coachee can be deep and complex. In all cases, it requires confidentiality. As a coach, manager, or other helper, you must maintain the individual’s right to privacy. Keeping your conversation just between the two of you also signals you are trustworthy. Trust is fragile. It can take years to build it and a minute of poor judgment to lose it. ([Location 2147](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2147)) - Fourth, know your boundaries and keep them clear between you and the individual you’re helping. If the individual discloses or you become aware of extenuating personal or even medical issues that extend beyond the scope of your coaching abilities, make a referral to another professional who can help that person. ([Location 2151](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2151)) - the coaching mindset As a coach, your frame of mind is as important as the skills you bring to the coaching conversation. ([Location 2161](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2161)) - We offer three cornerstones to help you approach coaching interactions with a mindset for building and nurturing a quality coaching relationship. First, believe that individual change is a process, not an event. Growth and development take time. In pursuit of new habits, it takes practice and feedback to grow one’s openness, awareness, and energy to think and behave differently. ([Location 2201](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2201)) - Second, consider your approach to coaching as a chance to mine for gold, not dig for dirt ([Location 2211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2211)) - Carnegie shared that people are developed the same way that gold is mined. “Several tons of dirt must be moved to get an ounce of gold, but you don’t go into the mine looking for dirt. You go into the mine looking for gold.” Excellent coaches approach coaching conversations looking for the gold in the other person or group. This is common sense but uncommon practice—and even with the best of intentions, the best coaches can miss this golden opportunity. ([Location 2216](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2216)) - Third, consider that the agenda for the conversation should come from the person being coached. This means that, although the coach is the keeper of the overall process, the fundamental reason for the process is to help the other person—not for the coach to share his advice or experience. So, keep the agenda flexible and meet others wherever they are. As keepers of the process, it’s important to know the end goal and stay true to it but allow the individual to have a say and choice in how you use your time together more often than not. ([Location 2221](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2221)) - fully present and being mindful of yourself as well as the other person. ([Location 2228](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2228)) - “What else?” (also “Tell me more”) is one of our favorite questions, one that we always encourage our students to include in their coaching conversations. The question itself has an inviting effect because it communicates an interest in other people’s thoughts-beneath-their-thoughts. It also conveys an openness to hear whatever it is that the individual might be reluctant to say. ([Location 2233](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2233)) - To listen is to hear with thoughtful attention.23 Active listening is giving your full attention to the other person and listening with all of your senses. Your intention in active listening is to fully understand the ([Location 2243](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2243)) - other person’s idea or message and demonstrate respect for their point of view, even if you disagree with it. Through your words and nonverbal cues, you should strive to convey that you may or may not agree with the other person, but first that you want to understand their thoughts and feelings and that you accept and respect what they have to say. ([Location 2245](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2245)) - In a pivotal article published in 1952 in Harvard Business Review, Carl Rogers and F. J. Roethlisberger, professors at Harvard Business School, suggested that the urge to quickly evaluate what we hear is automatic and instinctive. It creates a barrier to listening, open communication, and learning. When we hear a statement made by someone, we immediately have a tendency to agree or disagree and have a reaction not just to what the person said, but also to our own thoughts in response. When ([Location 2250](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2250)) - In the words of gestalt psychotherapist Robert Lee, “Our assumptions and stereotypes create filters for how we hear people. We don’t hear others from the place of who they are. We hear them through the filter of who we think they are. So, being aware of our implicit biases is essential to keep us honest and enable us to be open to listen fully to what the person in front of us, on the computer screen or on the phone has to say.”25 ([Location 2263](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2263)) - Source: G. Itzchakov and A. Kluger, “The Power of Listening in Helping People Change,” hbr.org, May 17, 2018. ([Location 2275](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2275)) - In helping relationships, one internal resource that coaches and helpers rely on to be tuned into another individual is empathy. Empathy represents our ability to put ourselves in the shoes of another person (or group) and imagine what the individual is seeing, thinking, and feeling as if we were that individual while realizing that we are not. ([Location 2281](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2281)) - Empathy has three different facets—cognitive, emotional, and behavioral—that contribute to strengthening our bond or connection in our helping relationships. ([Location 2289](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2289)) - Cognitive empathy involves conceptually understanding the perspective of another person and draws on the neural networks that involve analytical processing. It engages the analytical network as we focus our attention on collecting information to form a holistic picture of the person or situation and work to learn and absorb her perspective. ([Location 2290](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2290)) - Emotional empathy is the ability to be emotionally in tune with another person and feel what she feels. ([Location 2293](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2293)) - Emotional empathy activates regions of our emotional brain center, or empathic network. We have an easier time accessing emotional empathy when we see ourselves as similar to another person ([Location 2295](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2295)) - Behavioral empathy is the third facet of empathy. It is also known as ([Location 2298](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2298)) - empathic concern, as it is the motivation to respond to help another person in some way. It is when our thinking and feeling are integrated and propel us to want to do something. You demonstrate empathic concern when you feel that inner tug in your heart that requires you to act to help another person. ([Location 2299](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2299)) - In reality, to truly help others, we need to utilize all forms of empathy: the ability to attune ourselves to others, the desire to understand others, and the willingness to be an active participant who helps others on their journey of development and change. ([Location 2303](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2303)) - Level 1 listening, also known as the connection level, involves listening to others and deciding what their words mean to us personally. The listener emphasizes an inward focus; listening at this level is useful to establish common ground in conversations by connecting on a personal level with the other person. Level 2 listening is referred to as the focused level. This level involves giving full attention to the other person and demonstrating empathy and intuition to deeply understand and connect with those with whom we interact. Level 3 listening is the global level and involves listening with all of our senses and beyond just the words. While continuing to give full attention to the other person, we give a bigger context to what we hear and consider the broader environment and what is not being said in addition to what is being shared. ([Location 2308](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2308)) - Remember the 80-20 rule. As a coach, manager, or other helper, aim to speak only 20 percent of the time, allowing the individual you’re helping to speak 80 percent. ([Location 2320](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2320)) - Another favorite is the acronym WAIT, which stands for “Why am I talking?” ([Location 2322](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2322)) - key learning points The relationship between a coach and coachee or helper and person being helped is the heart of any developmental relationship. The relationship needs to be resonant to be high quality, which means it is characterized by an overall positive emotional tone, a shared vision, and shared compassion. ([Location 2329](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2329)) - When striving to coach or help others to change, approach the relationship with a coaching mindset. Change is a process, not an event, and it takes time. Believe that gold exists within every person and your main job is to help move tons of dirt to find the treasure. Stay focused on the other person, not on the process or the problem. Let the person drive the agenda more often than you do. Deep, active listening on the part of the coach is fundamental and essential to build high-quality helping relationships. ([Location 2332](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2332)) - reflection and application exercises Over the course of the next week or so, notice the conversations you have with others. Note if and how other people listen to you, and how you listen to them. Note any patterns that emerge in these conversations with regard to how each person listens to each other. During your ride to work (not recommended if you are the person driving) or some other moment of downtime early in your day, reflect on earlier interactions you had that morning with your spouse, partner, children, parents, or roommates. What did you talk about? How well did you listen? Did you hear what they were saying and how they felt about it? Focus on one conversation at work each day, whether in a group meeting or a one-on-one conversation. Then talk to the person afterward and tell them what you heard and felt they were trying to communicate. Check to see if that is what they meant. ([Location 2336](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2336)) - We also see in these examples three basic approaches to offering coaching services in organizations: (1) encourage and train associates to peer coach in pairs or teams; (2) provide access to internal or external ([Location 2398](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2398)) - coaches (people professionally trained as coaches and typically certified by some professional group); and/or (3) educate and develop managers and senior leaders to provide coaching to their direct reports and others. ([Location 2399](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2399)) - Peer coaching formalizes a personal, supportive connection for mutual help. The idea is for two or more people of relatively equal status to come together to help each other with personal and professional development, ([Location 2406](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2406)) - “to promote goal-directed mutual learning with clear boundaries.” ([Location 2409](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2409)) - Peer coaching provides a dedicated social setting in which group members explore helping each other.6 ([Location 2430](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2430)) - Peer coaching can also take many formats. In the Case Western Reserve University courses, we ask people to develop their personal board of directors. This exercise not only helps people increase awareness of their key relationships and sources of support, but it also provides them with a ready-made list of people with whom they can ([Location 2432](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2432)) - check their progress. Our colleagues Monica Higgins and Kathy Kram call a similar formation developmental networks.7 They recommend having a number of key people in the network and using them individually or together to continue exploring personal and professional growth. In peer coaching, ([Location 2434](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2434)) - study of MBA learning teams and showed that norms that produced the highest grades (i.e., task performance) in a semester were almost opposite the norms that produced the most learning one semester later.8 One example was that groups that received the highest grades (best task performance) avoided discussing conflicts, like uneven participation or freeloading (some people coasting on the work of others and not doing their fair share) among the team members. But those teams in which the MBAs felt they were learning the most openly discussed these and other conflicts and attempted resolutions, which in turn enabled them to perform better in the long run. ([Location 2445](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2445)) - Identify professionals currently doing coaching in the manner you desire to learn, and then shadow the effective coaches or peer coaching groups. ([Location 2459](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2459)) - One of the many benefits of peer-coaching groups is that they often morph into what has been called a social identity group ([Location 2478](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2478)) - We might think of expanding peer coaching as the ultimate developmental activity for organizations. It takes a focus on “the manager as coach” and extends it to every manager, professional, administrative, or production worker. ([Location 2509](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2509)) - We contend that the most powerful use of peer coaching will be with small groups of five to twelve people and using practices that invoke or elicit the PEA. As we have described earlier in this book, using activities and group norms that are more PEA will help the members be more open and feel the emotional encouragement that the group can provide. Note that it may require giving people some skill training in how to emphasize the positive emotional attractor. ([Location 2548](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2548)) - The most prevalent groups that provide a form of certification in coaching are universities and training companies that “certify” that a person has learned the institution’s particular approach to coaching, its techniques, or method. These bodies seldom make claims beyond that. It is up to clients to determine if this certification adds value to their practice or capability as a coach. ([Location 2559](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2559)) - The second group comprises associations or companies that “certify” that the person is a credible coach. This is a certification based on their group’s competency model. Currently, the largest of these are the International Coach Federation (ICF), Worldwide Association of Business Coaches (WABC), and the Center for Credentialing and Education (CCE). The awkward issue is that there are no published studies showing which competencies or characteristics of particular coaches enable them to be more effective than others. That is, these associations and companies offer certification without any empirical evidence that their models actually work. Although they do research, it often takes the form of attitude or opinion surveys known in consulting circles as Delphi techniques in which current coaches claim what they think works. Unfortunately, such approaches have been shown repeatedly in other fields to create a standard of mediocrity and exclude certain groups. ([Location 2564](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2564)) - This leaves organizations with a dilemma. If they use existing certifications, it is not clear what they are ensuring. But they need some way to know whether someone is worth hiring. Perhaps the best method is to look for converging evidence from personal referrals, formal education, and certification in a variety of approaches. ([Location 2571](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2571)) - key learning points In families and other informal social groups, as well as communities, a culture of helping others develop and be open to learning would help us all adapt to an ever-changing world. Creating an effective coaching/helping culture in work organizations requires careful assessment of need, centralized access to and allocation of coaches, and sometimes centralized coach training and certification to ensure quality. There are three basic approaches to offering coaching services in organizations: (1) encourage and train staff to peer coach in pairs or teams; (2) train managers and executives to provide coaching to their direct reports and maybe even peers; and (3) provide access to internal or external coaches (people professionally trained as coaches and typically certified by some professional group). A high-quality coaching relationship amplifies both job engagement and career satisfaction, and can be leveraged to help organizations develop and retain their best and brightest talent, especially among special and at-risk groups such as emerging leaders, minority groups, and women. Peer coaching is simply the coming together of two or more people for the purpose of personal or professional development. It can be formal or informal, and within or outside a particular organization. The developmental purpose can supplement other reasons for the group existing. Peer-coaching relationships blossom through caring, compassion, resonance, understanding, and shared purpose. They are durable, sustainable, and promote a positive emotional contagion that can become the basis of an organizational norm. Be wary of peer-coaching relationships turning to the “dark side” and focusing primarily on the negative. MBA programs that focus on team learning and relationships demonstrate tangible benefits beyond the education phase itself. A ([Location 2642](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2642)) - proactive focus on peer coaching can pay for itself down the line by enhancing the integration of learning for each member. Peer-coaching groups promote an intimate involvement among all members of the group, which results in enduring social bonds outside the organization. Evidence suggests that such groups can create and consolidate a healthy collective identity. ([Location 2656](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2656)) - That is the essence of what we call a coachable moment. For the coach, manager, teacher, or other helper, identifying a coachable moment comprises two aspects: (1) observing a critical situation or learning opportunity that the individual may or may not be aware of; and (2) correctly perceiving that the individual is open and ready for reflection and learning around that opportunity. ([Location 2685](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2685)) - One major time when people are open to coaching and help is when they’re taking on a new position, according to research by our friend and colleague Claudio Fernández-Aráoz. He found that the first two years in the job is a critical time to help someone be more effective. ([Location 2700](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2700)) - Claudio is tapping into a more general category of coachable moments—times of life or career transition. ([Location 2703](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2703)) - opportunities for individuals to rethink their personal dreams and visions for the future. In an earlier chapter, we referred to life and career cycles that also create such moments. ([Location 2706](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2706)) - the person needs to be ready to be coached or else the impact will be far less meaningful. ([Location 2714](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2714)) - Bruce Avolio and Sean Hannah have studied readiness in the field of leadership development, ([Location 2714](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2714)) - The model of change developed by James Prochaska and his colleagues stresses the importance of readiness to an individual’s change efforts. This model has been widely adopted in the fields of psychotherapy and executive coaching and consists of five stages, the first three of which (pre-contemplation, contemplation, and preparation) describe levels of readiness. ([Location 2719](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2719)) - In the pre-contemplation stage, individuals are clearly not yet ready to change; the need or desire to change is not even on their radar. In the contemplation stage, they still aren’t quite ready to change, but they are at least thinking about it and trying to get themselves ready to do so. It is not until they reach the preparation stage that they are truly ready to change, however. ([Location 2721](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2721)) - Finally, you could encourage her to reach out to other friends and/or coworkers besides you, who might also support her efforts to improve the strained relationship. ([Location 2751](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2751)) - And, the main purpose is still to help people into the PEA so they can be open to new ideas and possibilities. ([Location 2755](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2755)) - some individuals, the ICT process is not about making a desired change to achieve an ideal self. Instead, for some it is about sustaining or maintaining an ideal self already achieved. ([Location 2782](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2782)) - there are many refugees fleeing countries under conditions of war or religious, economic, political, or psychological oppression who have trouble once free. In his classic analysis, Viktor Frankl documented how he and many Holocaust escapees and survivors had difficulty for years in their new home countries because their existence was entirely focused on surviving or their family surviving. ([Location 2805](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2805)) - When working with people whose environments are restrictive, the best approach is to focus on their core values—those beliefs about what is right, good, true—which are fundamental to being, living, and if appropriate, leading authentically. From that foundation, they can often consider behaviors and actions that can be seen, altered, and experimented with day-to-day in support of their values. ([Location 2813](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2813)) - That’s when his coach shifted his focus from the future to the present. “How do you wish to be acting and to be seen by others now—this week, next month?” the coach asked. That engaged Franklin. Like many people with biochemical or behavioral habits that are addictive and that simply recreate the conditions that got them in trouble, people in these situations are fighting against the odds of recidivism and their own past. By focusing on the present, Franklin was able to work with the coach to ([Location 2863](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2863)) - key learning points A coachable moment involves a potentially critical situation or learning opportunity of which the person to be coached may or may not be fully aware, and the coach correctly perceives that the individual is both open and ready for reflection and learning around that situation or opportunity. Capitalizing on coachable moments often involves assessing and potentially enhancing the readiness of the individual to be coached. If an individual is not ready to be coached, the extent of their coaching-facilitated change is likely to be limited. ([Location 2891](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2891)) - So let us now ask you a follow-up question: Whose list will you be on? It may be our most enduring legacy in life—making a difference in other people’s lives. ([Location 2922](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2922)) - Even with the best of intentions, people cannot inspire and help others to learn and grow when they slip into the NEA themselves. The personal sustainability of the helper or coach is central to the ability to continue effectively helping others be open, develop, and change. ([Location 2974](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2974)) - The key is to dose yourself with renewal every day. It is, in fact, the responsibility of helpers or coaches to sustain themselves and emote the positive emotional contagion that can only come from experiencing the PEA more than being in the NEA. In other words, we suggest that it is not a self-centered act to make sure you have renewal moments each day. ([Location 2977](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2977)) - Helpers and coaches looking to develop a long-term, sustainable means of reaching and maintaining a level of effectiveness would benefit from forming peer-coaching groups with other coaches. Coaches of all kinds need support just as much as the people they are trying to help and support. ([Location 2980](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=2980)) - Next month, each day have just one fifteen- to twenty-minute conversation with a different person to help them discover and connect with the best version of themselves, their values, dream life, desired work, or personal vision. ([Location 3008](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=3008)) - For more on the definition and evolution of coaching, see M. Smith, E. Van Oosten, and R. E. Boyatzis, “Coaching for Sustained Desired Change,” in Research in Organization Development and Change, vol. 17, ([Location 3027](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=3027)) - For a more detailed discussion within the context of coaching, see R. E. Boyatzis and A. I. Jack, “The Neuroscience of Coaching,” Consulting Psychology Journal 70, no. 1 (2018): 11–27. ([Location 3283](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=3283)) - R. E. Boyatzis and U. Dhar, “The Evolving Ideal Self,” unpublished paper, Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH, 2019; and R. Kegan, The Evolving Self: Problem and Process in Human Development (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1982). ([Location 3354](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07MW8FW3N&location=3354))