## Metadata - Author: [[Joseph Grenny]], [[Kerry Patterson]], [[Ron McMillan]], [[Al Switzler]], and [[Emily Gregory]] - Full Title: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High - Category: #books - Topics: [[Management (Index)]], [[Relationships (Index)]], [[Mediation]] ## ChatGPT summary I asked ChatGPT to summarize this book using my own outline of key ideas as well as external sources on the web as input. Here's the result: "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" is a guidebook that delves into the intricacies of engaging in high-stakes discussions. It defines a crucial conversation as one involving **opposing opinions, high stakes, and strong emotions**. The book emphasizes the importance of these conversations in determining the health of relationships and organizations, highlighting the need for timely problem resolution. At the heart of successful conversations is the **free flow of information**, where participants openly express their thoughts and feelings, contributing to a **shared pool of meaning**. This leads to better decisions, relationships, and unified action. **Preparing for a Crucial Conversation** Before entering a crucial conversation, it's vital to focus on a single issue, requiring the unbundling and prioritizing of complex human interactions. These conversations can be categorized into three levels: **content (immediate issues), pattern (recurring problems), and relationship (issues affecting trust and respect)**. Simplifying concerns into a single sentence can help maintain focus during the conversation. Managing personal motives is also crucial. The book suggests focusing on oneself first to achieve desired outcomes, rather than blaming others. Understanding and managing emotions are critical; this involves separating facts from the stories we tell ourselves, which influence our emotional responses. **Engaging in a Crucial Conversation** During a crucial conversation, maintaining safety is key. This requires dual-processing: being attentive to both the **content** and the **process** of the conversation. When safety is at risk, stepping out of the conversation to rebuild safety is essential. Establishing mutual purpose and respect helps in making the conversation safe. Effective communication involves the STATE method: sharing facts, telling your story, asking for others' stories, talking tentatively, and encouraging testing. This approach facilitates interest and minimizes defensiveness. **Concluding a Crucial Conversation** The book also guides on how to transform conversations into action and results, ensuring that crucial conversations lead to positive outcomes. **Integrating the Principles** The principles of "Learn to Look" and "Make It Safe" are central to improving dialogue skills. Recognizing when dialogue is veering off track and actively working to restore safety are crucial for maintaining effective communication. "Crucial Conversations" is a comprehensive guide for navigating difficult discussions, emphasizing the importance of open dialogue, emotional intelligence, and a focused approach to resolving high-stakes issues. The book's insights are instrumental in both personal and professional settings, offering tools to improve communication and foster healthier relationships. %% ## Outline for ChatGPT - **What's a crucial conversation? Why does it matter?** - Crucial Conversation: A discussion between two or more people in which they hold (1) opposing opinions about a (2) high-stakes issue and where (3) emotions run strong. - You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved. - When it comes to Crucial Conversations, you have only two choices: Talk it out, or act it out. The problem will persist, and acting out your feelings instead of talking them out will add strain to an already crucial situation. - When facing a Crucial Conversation, most of us unconsciously make a “Fool’s Choice”—we think we have to choose between “telling the truth” and “keeping a friend.” Skilled communicators resist this false tradeoff and look for ways to do both. - At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. - In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning—especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial thoughts and opinions—and to get others to share their pools. To achieve this, we have to develop the tools that make it safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning. - A larger shared pool of meaning leads to better decisions, better relationships, and more unified action. - **What to do before entering a crucial conversation** - How to be sure you hold the right conversation - Crucial Conversations are most successful when they’re focused on one issue. Because human interactions are inherently complex, focusing a Crucial Conversation on a single topic takes effort. It requires us to thoughtfully unbundle and then prioritize the issues at hand. - There are three levels of conversations you may need to have about the issue itself, and a fourth relating to the process of the conversation. Unbundle the various issues at play using these three levels: - **Content**. The first time a problem comes up, talk about the content—the immediate pain. - **Pattern**. The next time the same problem comes up, think pattern. Now the concern is not just that this has happened once, but that a pattern is starting to develop, or already has. - **Relationship**. Finally, as problems continue, they can begin to impact the relationship. Relationship issues get to deeper concerns about trust, competence, or respect. - Choose. Ask yourself: “What do I really want?” Use this as a filter to choose which topic is most relevant at the moment. - Simplify. Condense your concern into a single sentence so you can maintain focus once the conversation gets under way. - How to get your motives right - Work on me first, us second. The first step in achieving the results we really want is to stop believing that others are the source of all that ails us. The only one you can work on is yourself. - Focus on what you really want. - How to understand and manage your emotions - We add meaning to the observations we make. We observe, we tell a story, and then we feel. This intermediate step is why, when faced with the exact same circumstances, 10 people may have 10 different emotional responses. - Stories provide our rationale for what’s going on. They’re our interpretations of the facts. They start by helping to explain what we see and hear. Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. - The best way to liberate yourself from an overpowering story is to separate facts from story. When trying to strip out story, it helps to test your ideas against a simple criterion: Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact? Was it an actual behavior? - **How to have a crucial conversation** - How to notice when safety is at risk - When caught up in a Crucial Conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and why. When a discussion becomes stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. - During Crucial Conversations, the key to maintaining dialogue is to learn to dual-process. Not only do you have to be attentive to the content of the conversation (what is being said), but you also have to skillfully observe the process (how it’s being said). - How to make it safe - The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. That’s right. When safety is at risk and you notice people moving to silence or violence, you need to step out of the content of the conversation (literally stop talking about the topic of your conversation) and rebuild safety. - In order for people to feel safe with you, they need to know two things about your intent. They need to know that: You care about their concerns (Mutual Purpose). You care about them (Mutual Respect). - To start the conversation off right, share your positive intent. What do you really want? For you and the other person. - Make your point in a way that invites interest rather than defensiveness - When you have a tough message to share, or when you’re so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path: - Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action. - Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude. - Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories. - Talk tentatively. State your story as a story—don’t disguise it as a fact. - Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views. - How to listen when others blow up or clam up - How to be resilient when hearing tough feedback - **How to finish a crucial conversation** - How to turn a crucial conversation into action and results - **Putting it all together** - Learn to Look. The first principle for positive change is Learn to Look. That is, people who improve their dialogue skills continually ask themselves whether they’re in or out of dialogue. - Perhaps the most common way that the language of dialogue finds itself into everyday conversation is with the statement, “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue.” This simple reminder helps people catch themselves early on, before the damage is severe. - Make It Safe. The second principle is Make It Safe. We’ve suggested that dialogue consists of the free flow of meaning and that the number one flow stopper is a lack of safety. When you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it safer. ## Highlights ### 1. WHAT’S A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION? And Who Cares? - **WHAT MAKES THESE CONVERSATIONS CRUCIAL?** - What makes each of these conversations crucial—and not simply frustrating, frightening, or annoying—is that the outcome could have a huge impact on either relationships or results that affect you greatly. ([Location 151](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=151)) - **==Crucial Conversation: A discussion between two or more people in which they hold (1) opposing opinions about a (2) high-stakes issue and where (3) emotions run strong.==** - **Lag Time Is a Factor** - In each of these examples, **the determining factor between success and failure is the amount of time that passes between when the problem emerges and when those involved find a way to honestly and respectfully resolve it.** ([Location 183](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=183)) - **==You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved.==** ([Location 196](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=196)) - **Why the Lag? How We Typically Handle Crucial Conversations** - When we face Crucial Conversations, we have three broad options: - We can avoid them. - We can face them and handle them poorly. - We can face them and handle them well. ([Location 199](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=199)) - **We Avoid Crucial Conversations** - Despite the importance of Crucial Conversations, **we often back away from them because we fear engaging will make matters worse**. ([Location 211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=211)) - ==**When it comes to Crucial Conversations, you have only two choices:**== - **1. Talk it out.** - **2. Act it out.** - If you fail to discuss issues you have with your boss, your life partner, your neighbor, or your peer, will those issues magically disappear? No. Instead, they will become the lens you see the other person through. And **how you see always shows up in how you act. Your resentment will show up in how you treat the other person**. ([Location 219](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=219)) - ==**The problem will persist, and acting out your feelings instead of talking them out will add strain to an already crucial situation.**== The longer the lag time during which you act out your feelings rather than talk them out, the more damage you’ll do to both relationships and results. ([Location 222](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=222)) - **We Handle Them Poorly** - On the flip side of avoidance, we have the problem of handling Crucial Conversations poorly. Often in these tough moments, we’re at our absolute worst. ([Location 225](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=225)) - **We’re designed wrong**. When conversations turn from routine to crucial, our instincts conspire against us. Strong emotions don’t exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to react to interpersonal threats the same way we deal with physical ones. **Our natural tendencies in moments that seem threatening lean toward fight or flight rather than listen and speak.** ([Location 228](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=228)) - **We’re under pressure**. Frequently, Crucial Conversations come out of nowhere. And **since you’re caught by surprise, you’re forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex interaction in real time.** ([Location 237](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=237)) - **We’re stumped**. We don’t know where to start with approaching a Crucial Conversation effectively. **We’re making this up as we go along because few of us have seen real-life models of effective communication skills.** ([Location 245](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=245)) - **THE RESEARCH: HOW CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS SKILLS IMPROVE YOUR LIFE** - Strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power—the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics. ([Location 296](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=296)) - Increase Your Influence ([Location 298](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=298)) - Improve Your Organization ([Location 318](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=318)) - Strengthen Your Relationships ([Location 367](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=367)) - Boost Your Personal Health ([Location 382](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=382)) - ==**SUMMARY: WHAT’S A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION?**== - When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions start to run strong, casual conversations transform into crucial ones. - Ironically, the more crucial the conversation, the less likely we are to handle it well. - When we fail a Crucial Conversation, every aspect of our lives can be affected— from our companies, to our careers, to our communities, to our relationships, to our personal health. - And the longer the lag time, the more room for mischief. ([Location 402](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=402)) ### 2. MASTERING CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS: The Power of Dialogue - **The mistake most of us make in our Crucial Conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend — in other words, that there's a tradeoff between authenticity and connection.** ([Location 453](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=453)) - When Kevin spoke up, his implicit question was, “How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?” ([Location 462](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=462)) - **DIALOGUE** - When it comes to Crucial Conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open. ([Location 471](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=471)) - ==**At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories.**== ([Location 472](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=472)) - **Filling the Pool of Shared Meaning** - **Each of us enters conversations with our own thoughts and feelings about the topic at hand. This unique combination makes up our personal pool of meaning.** This pool not only informs us, but also propels our every action. ([Location 482](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=482)) - **When two or more of us enter Crucial Conversations, by definition we don’t share the same pool.** Our opinions differ. I believe one thing; you another. I have one history; you another. ([Location 484](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=484)) - **People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the shared pool**—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial or wrong. ([Location 486](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=486)) - The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy. ([Location 504](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=504)) - Conversely, when people aren’t involved, when they sit back during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision. Since their ideas remain in their heads and their opinions never make it into the pool, they end up quietly criticizing and passively resisting. ([Location 507](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=507)) - **Every time we find ourselves arguing, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it’s because we don’t know how to share meaning.** Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play costly games. ([Location 519](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=519)) - For instance, sometimes we move to silence. We play Salute and Stay Mute. That is, we don’t confront people in positions of authority. Or at home we may play Freeze Your Lover. With this tortured technique, we give loved ones the cold shoulder in order to get them to treat us better (what’s the logic in that?). ([Location 521](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=521)) - **==In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning—especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial thoughts and opinions—and to get others to share their pools. To achieve this, we have to develop the tools that make it safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning.==** ([Location 531](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=531)) - **DIALOGUE SKILLS ARE LEARNABLE** - **==SUMMARY: MASTERING CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS==** - **When facing a Crucial Conversation, most of us unconsciously make a “Fool’s Choice”—we think we have to choose between “telling the truth” and “keeping a friend.” Skilled communicators resist this false tradeoff and look for ways to do both.** They look for a way to be both 100 percent honest and 100 percent respectful at the same time. In short, **they look for way to get to dialogue: a condition where meaning flows freely between parties resulting in a larger pool of information shared by all.** ([Location 587](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=587)) - **A larger shared pool of meaning leads to better decisions, better relationships, and more unified action.** ([Location 591](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=591)) ### PART I: WHAT TO DO BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH - In this section you’ll learn how to be sure you’re talking about the right things (Chapter 3, “Choose your Topic”), how to get your motives right (Chapter 4, “Start with Heart”), and how to understand and manage your own emotions when they’re getting in the way of dialogue (Chapter 5, “Master My Stories”). ([Location 599](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=599)) #### 3. CHOOSE YOUR TOPIC: How to Be Sure You Hold the Right Conversation - **CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS ARE “TOPIC-RICH” ENVIRONMENTS** - **Crucial Conversations are most successful when they’re focused on one issue. Because human interactions are inherently complex, focusing a Crucial Conversation on a single topic takes effort. It requires us to thoughtfully unbundle and then prioritize the issues at hand.** ([Location 614](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=614)) - **WHY WE USUALLY CHOOSE THE WRONG TOPIC** - When faced with complex problems like this, we rarely stop and ponder which topic we should address. Instead, we naturally default to one of two mistaken directions: ([Location 652](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=652)) - **Easy over hard**. When faced with a high-stakes, emotional conversation, we have a bias for choosing the topic we think we can win with. That usually means we pick something easier than the issue that is really in the way of our most important goals. ([Location 654](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=654)) - **Recent over right**. We tend to focus on the most recent event or behavior rather than on the one that matters the most. ([Location 659](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=659)) - **Three Signs You’re Having the Wrong Conversation** - Your emotions escalate. When you’re having the wrong conversation, even if that conversation is going well, you know on some level that you’re not addressing or resolving the issue. Consequently, you come in feeling frustrated, and that feeling increases as the conversation progresses. ([Location 670](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=670)) - You walk away skeptical. Sure, maybe you come to the end of the conversation with an agreement, but even as you walk away, you think to yourself, “Nothing is going to really change here.” ([Location 676](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=676)) - You’re in a dèjá vu dialogue. If you ever have the same conversation with the same people a second time, the problem is not them. It’s you. You’re having the wrong conversation. ([Location 680](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=680)) - **SKILLS FOR FINDING THE RIGHT TOPIC** - **The answer is that this person is skilled at three elements of choosing the right topic. The person knows how to unbundle, choose, and simplify the issues involved.** ([Location 690](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=690)) - **Unbundle**: - ==**There are three levels of conversations you may need to have about the issue itself, and a fourth relating to the process of the conversation**==—we’ll address process later. ([Location 693](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=693)) - **A good way to find the right one begins by unbundling, or teasing apart, the various issues level by level.** You can remember these levels with the **acronym CPR**. ([Location 694](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=694)) - ==**Content**. The first time a problem comes up, talk about the content—the immediate pain.== ([Location 695](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=695)) - ==**Pattern**. The next time the same problem comes up, think pattern. Now the concern is not just that this has happened once, but that a pattern is starting to develop, or already has.== ([Location 700](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=700)) - The first time something happens, it’s an incident. The second time it might be coincidence. The third time, it’s a pattern. ([Location 705](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=705)) - ==**Relationship**. Finally, as problems continue, they can begin to impact the relationship. Relationship issues get to deeper concerns about trust, competence, or respect.== ([Location 706](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=706)) - **Do You Need to Talk About Process?** - Occasionally you’ll need to extend your conversation to cover the issue of the process of how we are discussing issues. ([Location 731](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=731)) - Taking time to address the process of how we are communicating is especially important when there are differences in our communication styles or when our mode of communication changes from what we’re used to. ([Location 744](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=744)) - **Choose** - **The next step in finding the right topic to discuss is to choose. Choosing is a matter of filtering all the issues you’ve teased apart through a single question: “What do I really want?”** ([Location 761](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=761)) - Ponder what your highest priority is; then choose the issue that stands between you and that objective. ([Location 764](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=764)) - **Simplify** - **Having made your choice, be sure you can state simply what you want to discuss.** ([Location 768](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=768)) - The more words it takes you to describe the topic, the less prepared you are to talk. ([Location 771](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=771)) - While part of your brain considers “What’s the real issue?” another part shrieks, “How in the world will I say that?” Don’t do this! If you worry about the how while trying to be honest about the what, you’ll be tempted to water down your message. ([Location 779](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=779)) - But put that on the shelf for now. At this point, just worry about getting the what right. Tell yourself the truth. ([Location 787](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=787)) - **A WORD OF WARNING: BE ALERT TO WHEN THE TOPIC CHANGES** - Just because you know you need to have a pattern- or relationship-level conversation doesn’t make it easy. Once you have chosen the level of the conversation, it is up to you to keep it there. More often than not, when you step up to a pattern- or relationship-level conversation with someone, the other person’s tendency will be to seek safety in a content-level conversation. ([Location 803](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=803)) - Generally, you should choose the level at which you want to hold the conversation and then keep it there. However, there is an exception. ([Location 824](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=824)) - Place a Bookmark ([Location 825](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=825)) - It should be a dialogue. There are other people in this conversation, and they have their own wants and needs. In some Crucial Conversations, new issues will come up, and you need to balance focus (on your goals) with flexibility (to meet their goals). ([Location 826](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=826)) - When you place a bookmark, you make a conscious choice about what you want to talk about. And you register clearly with the other person that you will return to the bookmarked issue later. Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without acknowledging you’ve done it. ([Location 853](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=853)) - **==SUMMARY: CHOOSE YOUR TOPIC==** - **You can’t solve the real problem if you don’t choose the right topic.** Here’s how to make sure you are talking about the right thing: - Learn the three signs you’re having the wrong conversation: - Your emotions escalate. - You walk away skeptical. - You’re in a déjà vu dialogue. ([Location 866](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=866)) - **Use three skills to identify your topic, and prepare to keep focused on it:** - Unbundle. Unpack the various issues at play using CPR. Are they content, pattern, or relationship concerns or perhaps process? - Choose. Ask yourself: “What do I really want?” Use this as a filter to choose which topic is most relevant at the moment. - Simplify. Condense your concern into a single sentence so you can maintain focus once the conversation gets under way. ([Location 872](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=872)) - Finally, be both focused and flexible. Pay attention to others’ unintentional, or intentional, efforts to change the topic. Don’t allow the topic to change without a conscious decision. And if you do decide to shift topics, bookmark the original one to make it easy to return to after the new topic is handled. ([Location 879](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=879)) #### 4. START WITH HEART: How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want - Now that you know what you want to talk about, it’s time to turn to the how of dialogue. ([Location 886](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=886)) - The first thing that degenerates during a Crucial Conversation is not your behavior; it’s your motive. ([Location 897](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=897)) - **WORK ON ME FIRST, US SECOND** - **The first step in achieving the results we really want is to stop believing that others are the source of all that ails us.** Our sister is not the problem; our motives are. ([Location 920](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=920)) - People who are best at dialogue understand this simple fact and turn it into the principle “Work on me first, us second.” They realize not only that they are likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that **the only ones they can work on anyway are themselves.** ([Location 924](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=924)) - **FIRST, FOCUS ON WHAT YOU REALLY WANT** - The first step to getting back to a healthy motive is to become aware of the one that’s possessing you. ([Location 1006](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1006)) - Discern your motives from the outside in. In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself—much like an outsider would. Ask yourself, “What am I acting like I want?” Take a look at your behavior, and work backward to the motive. ([Location 1008](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1008)) - **Now ask, “What do I really want?”** Ask yourself these three questions: “What do I really want for myself?” “What do I really want for others?” “What do I really want for the relationship?” ([Location 1014](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1014)) - **Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”** ([Location 1020](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1020)) - You may also find it helpful to add “long term” to the questions. Asking “What do I really want for myself in the long term?” helps us shift our focus from our immediate, near-term desires to a more profound consideration of who we want to be: “What kind of person do I want to be?” “How do I want to treat others?” “How do I need to show up in this conversation in order to be that kind of person?” ([Location 1030](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1030)) - **SECOND, REFUSE THE FOOL’S CHOICE** - Those who are skilled at Crucial Conversations present their brains with a more complex question. They ask, “What do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?” ([Location 1060](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1060)) - First, clarify what you really want. ([Location 1072](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1072)) - Second, clarify what you really don’t want. ([Location 1076](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1076)) - Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence or violence: “How can we have a candid conversation and strengthen our relationships?” ([Location 1081](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1081)) - **==SUMMARY: START WITH HEART==** - Work on Me First, Us Second - Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. - Focus on What You Really Want - When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. - Ask yourself: “What am I acting like I want?” - Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?” - And finally, ask: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” - Refuse the Fool’s Choice - As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice. - Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the “and.” - Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue. #### 5. MASTER MY STORIES: How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt - **This chapter explores how to gain control of Crucial Conversations by learning how to take charge of your emotions. How you respond to your own emotions is the best predictor of everything that matters in life.** It is the very essence of emotional intelligence. By learning to exert influence over your own feelings, you’ll place yourself in a far better position to use all the tools of Crucial Conversations. ([Location 1135](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1135)) - **EMOTIONS DON’T JUST HAPPEN** - Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable it might make you feel to say it, others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, insulted, or hurt. You and only you create your emotions. ([Location 1152](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1152)) - Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them. ([Location 1154](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1154)) - The best at dialogue do something completely different. They aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results. ([Location 1184](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1184)) - **THE PATH TO ACTION** - To help rethink our emotions, we need to know where our feelings come from in the first place. ([Location 1189](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1189)) - **Stories Create Feelings** - As it turns out, there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel. Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. ([Location 1202](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1202)) - **We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior.** ([Location 1204](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1204)) - **This intermediate step is why, when faced with the exact same circumstances, 10 people may have 10 different emotional responses.** ([Location 1205](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1205)) - **We observe, we tell a story, and then we feel. Although this addition complicates the model a bit, it also gives us hope. Since we and only we are telling the story, we can take back control of our own emotions by telling a different story.** ([Location 1210](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1210)) - **OUR STORIES** - **Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. —WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE** ([Location 1215](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1215)) - **Stories provide our rationale for what’s going on. They’re our interpretations of the facts. They start by helping to explain what we see and hear.** ([Location 1216](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1216)) - **Our stories contain not just conclusions but also judgments (whether something is good or bad) and attributions (interpretation of others’ motives).** ([Location 1220](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1220)) - Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself stories. ([Location 1231](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1231)) - **Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories.** ([Location 1238](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1238)) - If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. ([Location 1243](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1243)) - **WHY MASTER OUR STORIES?** - When we master our stories, we take ownership for the emotional energy we bring to the conversation. And when we do that, we begin to change the conversation. ([Location 1257](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1257)) - **SKILLS FOR MASTERING OUR STORIES** - What’s the most effective way to come up with different stories? The best at dialogue find a way to first slow down and then take charge of their Path to Action. ([Location 1286](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1286)) - **(Act) Notice your behavior. Ask: “Am I acting out my concerns rather than talking them out?”** ([Location 1291](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1291)) - **(Feel) Put your feelings into words. Ask: “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?”** ([Location 1294](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1294)) - **(Tell story) Analyze your stories. Ask: “What story is creating these emotions?”** ([Location 1296](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1296)) - **(See/hear) Get back to the facts. Ask: “What have I seen or heard that supports this story? What have I seen or heard that conflicts with this story?”** ([Location 1298](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1298)) - By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any or all of the elements. ([Location 1301](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1301)) - Notice Your Behavior ([Location 1302](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1302)) - Put Your Feelings into Words ([Location 1322](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1322)) - **Actually, identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might imagine. In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate.** ([Location 1324](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1324)) - Since life doesn’t consist of a series of vocabulary tests, you might wonder what difference words can make. But words do matter. Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why. ([Location 1329](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1329)) - When you take the time to precisely articulate what you’re feeling, you begin to put a little bit of daylight between you and the emotion. ([Location 1332](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1332)) - Analyze Your Stories ([Location 1340](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1340)) - My story is accurate. It is true! I am right!” This is the emotional equivalent of a Fool’s Choice. It argues that stories are either right or wrong. That’s rarely the case. More often than not, our stories are more or less accurate. ([Location 1348](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1348)) - Get Back to the Facts ([Location 1356](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1356)) - **The best way to liberate yourself from an overpowering story is to separate facts from story. When trying to strip out story, it helps to test your ideas against a simple criterion: Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact? Was it an actual behavior?** ([Location 1363](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1363)) - Watch for Three “Clever” Stories ([Location 1393](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1393)) - As you learn to question and analyze your stories, pay close attention to an insidious and common type of story: the self-justifying story. ([Location 1394](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1394)) - Victim Stories—“It’s Not My Fault” ([Location 1403](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1403)) - Villain Stories—“It’s All Your Fault” ([Location 1416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1416)) - Helpless Stories—“There’s Nothing Else I Can Do” ([Location 1438](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1438)) - Tell the Rest of the Story ([Location 1504](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1504)) - And what transforms a clever story into a useful one? The rest of the story. That’s because clever stories have one characteristic in common: They’re incomplete. ([Location 1508](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1508)) - **==SUMMARY: MASTER MY STORIES==** - Retrace Your Path - Examine your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing. - Put your feelings into words. Learn to accurately identify and name the emotions behind your story. Ask: “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?” - Spot your story. Identify your story. Ask: “What story must I be telling to create these emotions? What story is creating these emotions?” - Separate fact from story. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. Ask: “What evidence do I have to support this story?” - Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories sit at the top of the list. - Tell the Rest of the Story - Ask: “What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?” “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?” “What do I really want?” “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” ### PART II: HOW TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH - The skills in this section will help you be prepared for surprises (Chapter 6, “Learn to Look”), reduce the chance others will become defensive (Chapter 7, “Make It Safe”), make your points in a way that invites interest rather than defensiveness (Chapter 8, “STATE My Path”), and discover the meaning others have to offer (Chapter 9, “Explore Others’ Paths”) without it getting under your skin (Chapter 10, “Retake Your Pen”). ([Location 1625](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1625)) #### 6. LEARN TO LOOK: How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk - WATCH FOR CONDITIONS ([Location 1670](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1670)) - The sooner you notice you’re not in dialogue, the easier it is to get back and the lower the costs. The sad corollary is that the longer it takes to notice you’re not in dialogue, the harder it is to get back and the higher the costs. ([Location 1671](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1671)) - **During Crucial Conversations, the key to maintaining dialogue is to learn to dual-process. Not only do you have to be attentive to the content of the conversation (what is being said), but you also have to skillfully observe the process (how it’s being said).** ([Location 1673](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1673)) - So what do you look for when caught in the middle of a Crucial Conversation? What do you need to see in order to catch problems before they become too severe? It helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress. ([Location 1684](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1684)) - Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations ([Location 1687](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1687)) - Some people first notice physical signals. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. Everyone is a little bit different. What are your cues? ([Location 1693](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1693)) - Others notice their emotions before they notice signs in their body. They realize they are scared, hurt, defensive, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings. ([Location 1695](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1695)) - Some people’s first cue is behavioral. For them it’s like an out-of-body experience. They see themselves raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet. ([Location 1697](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1697)) - Learn to Look for Safety Problems ([Location 1701](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1701)) - People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content, and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful. ([Location 1702](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1702)) - When it’s safe, you can say anything. ([Location 1705](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1705)) - Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both these reactions—fight and flight—are motivated by the same emotion: fear. ([Location 1706](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1706)) - If you don’t fear that you’re being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive. ([Location 1709](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1709)) - We’re suggesting that people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe, or when they question why you’re saying the things you are. Specifically, they begin to speculate about either your respect (“Is this message a sign of disrespect?”), your intent (“Does this message tell me you have malicious motives toward me?”), or both. Either way, the problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation. ([Location 1711](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1711)) - Safety isn’t synonymous with comfort. ([Location 1728](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1728)) - When it’s unsafe, you start to go blind. As we know, when your emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down. When you feel genuinely threatened, your peripheral vision actually narrows until you can scarcely see beyond what’s right in front of you. ([Location 1734](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1734)) - Don’t let safety problems lead you astray. ([Location 1740](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1740)) - We’re asking you to fight your natural tendency to respond in kind, and instead think, “Ah, that’s a sign that the other person feels unsafe.” And then what? Do something to make it safe. ([Location 1746](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1746)) - These skills are the pivot point for everything that follows in the process of creating dialogue. They’re the gateway to gaining all the benefits that come to those who are skilled at Crucial Conversations. ([Location 1753](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1753)) - For now, simply learn to look for safety, and then be curious instead of angry or frightened. Learn to identify the two kinds of behavior that will clue you in to the fact that someone’s feeling unsafe. We refer to them as silence and violence. ([Location 1756](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1756)) - Silence and Violence ([Location 1758](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1758)) - As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to verbal violence (trying to force meaning in the pool). ([Location 1759](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1759)) - Silence. Silence consists of any act to purposely withhold information from the pool of meaning. It’s almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. ([Location 1763](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1763)) - Violence. Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince or control others or compel them to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. ([Location 1788](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1788)) - Look for Your Style Under Stress ([Location 1817](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1817)) - Your Style Under Stress Test ([Location 1833](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1833)) - LOOKING VIRTUALLY ([Location 1870](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1870)) - Learning to look for signs that safety is at risk in a virtual environment is not actually that different from doing so in a face-to-face environment. The very best communicators realize that, at its heart, learning to look is about expanding your data stream. You see more, and as well you understand more about what you see. ([Location 1873](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1873)) - The solution is always the same. A better data stream gives you more to see in a conversation. ([Location 1879](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1879)) - **==SUMMARY: LEARN TO LOOK==** - When caught up in a Crucial Conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and why. When a discussion becomes stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. We turn to the less healthy components of our Style Under Stress. - To break from this insidious pattern, Learn to Look: - At content and conditions - For when things become crucial - For safety problems - To see if others are moving toward silence or violence - For outbreaks of your Style Under Stress #### 7. MAKE IT SAFE: How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything - **STEP OUT. MAKE IT SAFE. THEN STEP BACK IN.** - **The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. That’s right. When safety is at risk and you notice people moving to silence or violence, you need to step out of the content of the conversation (literally stop talking about the topic of your conversation) and rebuild safety.** ([Location 1959](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1959)) - You first need to understand why someone feels unsafe. People never become defensive about what you’re saying (the content of your message). They become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it (the intent). Said another way, safety in a conversation is about intent, not content. ([Location 1961](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1961)) - Do you mean them harm? Are you out to get them? Your job is to generate evidence that that’s not the case. Take a moment to absorb that last sentence. It’s not enough for you to have good intentions; the other person must know that this is the case. ([Location 1974](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1974)) - The best at dialogue don’t play games. Period. They know that in order to solve their problem, they’ll need to talk about their problem—with no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking. ([Location 1990](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1990)) - **TWO CONDITIONS OF SAFETY** - **In order for people to feel safe with you, they need to know two things about your intent. They need to know that: You care about their concerns (Mutual Purpose). You care about them (Mutual Respect).** ([Location 1994](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1994)) - Mutual Purpose—the Entrance Condition ([Location 1999](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=1999)) - Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa. You believe they care about yours. Consequently, Mutual Purpose is the entry condition of dialogue. Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking. ([Location 2004](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2004)) - human beings have an innate need to be heard. We want to be listened to and understood. So a great Mutual Purpose to start with is to seek mutual understanding. ([Location 2012](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2012)) - Mutual Respect—the Continuance Condition ([Location 2037](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2037)) - Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe, and dialogue comes to a screeching halt. ([Location 2040](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2040)) - Can You Respect People You Don’t Respect? ([Location 2053](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2053)) - we can stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person’s basic humanity. In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar. ([Location 2058](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2058)) - **BUILD, AND REBUILD, SAFETY** - Here are four skills that the best at dialogue routinely use to build safety up front in a conversation and rebuild safety when it’s been lost: ([Location 2083](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2083)) - Share Your Good Intent ([Location 2089](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2089)) - When you start the conversation by sharing your good intent, you lay the foundation for safety. ([Location 2102](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2102)) - Apologize When Appropriate ([Location 2104](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2104)) - When you’ve made a mistake that has hurt others, start with an apology. An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing—or at least not preventing—pain or difficulty to others. ([Location 2104](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2104)) - Contrast to Fix Misunderstandings ([Location 2129](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2129)) - Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that fixes misunderstandings: •   In the “don’t” part of the statement, you explain what you don’t intend for the conversation. This addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose. •   In the “do” part of the statement, you clarify what your intention for the conversation really is. This confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose. ([Location 2136](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2136)) - Of the two parts of Contrasting, the don’t is the more important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk. ([Location 2151](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2151)) - Create a Mutual Purpose ([Location 2180](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2180)) - Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose ([Location 2195](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2195)) - Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy ([Location 2207](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2207)) - When we find ourselves at an impasse, it’s because we’re asking for one thing and the other person is asking for something else. We think we’ll never find a way out because we equate what we’re asking for with what we actually want. In truth, what we’re asking for is the strategy we’re suggesting to get what we want. We confuse wants or purpose with strategies. That’s the problem. ([Location 2210](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2210)) - In such circumstances, we can break the impasse by asking others, “Why do you want that?” ([Location 2215](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2215)) - When you do separate strategies from purpose, new options become possible. By releasing your grip on your strategy and focusing on your real purpose, you’re now open to the idea that you might actually find alternatives that can serve both of your interests: ([Location 2224](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2224)) - Invent a Mutual Purpose ([Location 2229](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2229)) - To invent a Mutual Purpose, move to more encompassing goals. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides. ([Location 2233](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2233)) - Brainstorm New Strategies ([Location 2237](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2237)) - Create a Mutual Purpose ([Location 2246](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2246)) - In summary, when you sense that you and others are working at cross-purposes, here’s what you can do. First, step out of the content of the conflict. Stop focusing on who thinks what. Then create a Mutual Purpose: ([Location 2246](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2246)) - **WRITE IT TWICE** - The core conditions of safety don’t change based on the medium. If I know you care about me (Mutual Respect) and I know you care about what I care about (Mutual Purpose), I’ll feel safe with you, whether conversing face-to-face or reading an email. The key difference in email and other written communication is that it is even more essential to verbalize your good intent. ([Location 2274](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2274)) - Write it twice. First, write the message to get your content across. Once you have your content down, consider how your intent is coming across. Read the message slowly, imagining the other person’s face. How might the person feel at each point in your message? Then rewrite it with safety in mind. ([Location 2282](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2282)) - **==SUMMARY: MAKE IT SAFE==** - STEP OUT OF THE CONTENT - When others move to silence or violence, step out of the content of the conversation and Make It Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue. - Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk •   Mutual Purpose. Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives? •   Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them? - Share Your Good Intent To start the conversation off right, share your positive intent. What do you really want? For you and the other person. - Apologize When Appropriate When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize. - Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean. - Create a Mutual Purpose When you are at cross-purposes, use the four CRIB skills to get back to Mutual Purpose: - Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. - Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. - Invent a Mutual Purpose. - Brainstorm new strategies. #### 8. STATE MY PATH: How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively - **To help us improve our advocacy skills, we’ll examine five skills that solve our two main problems: defensiveness and resistance.** ([Location 2410](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2410)) - **SHARE RISKY MEANING** - Adding information to the pool of meaning can be quite difficult when the ideas we’re about to pour into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions. ([Location 2414](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2414)) - The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it as well. ([Location 2425](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2425)) - How? By finding a way to maintain safety without compromising candor. ([Location 2428](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2428)) - **MAINTAIN SAFETY** - Confidence. ([Location 2432](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2432)) - People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. ([Location 2435](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2435)) - Humility. ([Location 2438](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2438)) - They realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth. They are curious about information and perspectives others have. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. ([Location 2439](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2439)) - Skill. Finally, people who willingly share delicate information are good at doing it. ([Location 2442](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2442)) - The Missing Money ([Location 2447](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2447)) - **STATE MY PATH** - Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for: ([Location 2474](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2474)) - •   Share your facts. •   Tell your story. •   Ask for others’ paths. •   Talk tentatively. •   Encourage testing. ([Location 2476](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2476)) - The first three skills describe what to do. The last two tell how to do it. ([Location 2481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2481)) - **THE “WHAT” SKILLS** - Share Your Facts ([Location 2489](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2489)) - Facts are the least controversial. Facts provide a safe beginning. ([Location 2498](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2498)) - Facts form the foundation for the conversation. Facts lay the groundwork for the conclusions that will come next. ([Location 2505](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2505)) - Tell Your Story ([Location 2521](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2521)) - Ask for Others’ Paths ([Location 2583](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2583)) - We express our confidence by sharing our facts and stories clearly. We demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their views ([Location 2584](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2584)) - **THE “HOW” SKILLS** - Talk Tentatively ([Location 2597](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2597)) - Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a hard fact. ([Location 2600](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2600)) - A “Good” Story—the Goldilocks Test ([Location 2624](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2624)) - Encourage Testing ([Location 2645](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2645)) - Invite opposing views. If you think others may be hesitant, make it clear that you want to hear their views—no matter how different. ([Location 2654](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2654)) - **WHEN STRONG BELIEF WEAKENS YOUR INFLUENCE** - It starts with a story. When we believe we’re right and everyone else is wrong, we feel no need to expand the pool of meaning, because we own the pool. We also firmly believe it’s our duty to fight for the truth that we’re holding. ([Location 2719](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2719)) - We feel justified in using dirty tricks. Once we’re convinced that it’s our duty to fight for the truth, we start pulling out the big guns. We use debating tricks that we’ve picked up throughout the years. ([Location 2724](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2724)) - The solution to employing excessive advocacy is actually rather simple—if you can just bring yourself to do it. When you find yourself just dying to convince others that your way is best, back off your current attack and think about what you really want for yourself, others, and the relationship. Then ask yourself, “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” ([Location 2734](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2734)) - First, Learn to Look. Watch for the moment when people start to resist you ([Location 2741](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2741)) - Second, check your intent. What is your goal in the conversation? Do you want to be heard, understood, or validated? ([Location 2746](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2746)) - **==SUMMARY: STATE MY PATH==** - When you have a tough message to share, or when you’re so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path: - Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action. - Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude. - Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories. - Talk tentatively. State your story as a story—don’t disguise it as a fact. - Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views. #### 9. EXPLORE OTHERS’ PATHS: How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up - **HOW DO WE GET BACK TO DIALOGUE?** - When others do damage to the pool of meaning by clamming up (refusing to speak their minds) or blowing up (communicating in a way that is abusive and insulting), is there something you can do to get them back to dialogue? ([Location 2815](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2815)) - **EXPLORE OTHERS’ PATHS** - In Chapter 7, we recommended that whenever you notice safety is at risk, you should step out of the conversation and restore it. ([Location 2828](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2828)) - Exploring others’ paths is a demonstration of our good intent, and that’s why it’s a powerful tool for creating safety. Thus far, we have shared our good intent by telling people what it is. This now is our chance to show them our good intent. ([Location 2834](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2834)) - Start with Heart—Get Ready to Listen ([Location 2838](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2838)) - when you do invite people to share their views, you must mean it. ([Location 2840](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2840)) - This means that at the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious. Rather than respond in kind, we need to wonder what’s behind the ruckus. ([Location 2850](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2850)) - To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, stay curious. A good way to distract your brain from spinning up stories of others’ malicious motives is to give it a different problem to focus on. Like this one: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?” ([Location 2870](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2870)) - Allow people time to explore their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety you’ve created. ([Location 2882](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2882)) - Encourage Others to Retrace Their Path ([Location 2883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2883)) - Recognize that we’re joining the conversation at the end of their Path to Action. They’ve seen and heard things, told themselves a story or two, and generated a feeling (possibly a mix of fear, hurt, and anger or disappointment), and now they’re starting to act out their story. That’s where we come in. Now even though we may be hearing their first words, we’re coming in somewhere near the end of their path. ([Location 2885](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2885)) - When we help others retrace their path to its origins, not only do we help curb our reaction, but we also return to the place where the feelings can be resolved: their source—the facts and the story behind the emotion. ([Location 2905](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2905)) - Inquiry Skills ([Location 2907](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2907)) - To encourage others to share their paths, we’ll use four power listening tools. We call the four skills power listening tools because they are best remembered with the acronym AMPP—ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime. ([Location 2918](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2918)) - Ask to Get Things Rolling ([Location 2921](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2921)) - The easiest and most straightforward way to encourage others to share their Path to Action is simply to invite them to express themselves. ([Location 2921](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2921)) - Mirror to Confirm Feelings ([Location 2930](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2930)) - We play the role of mirror by describing how the other person looks or acts. Although we may not understand others’ stories or facts, we can see their actions and reflect them. ([Location 2933](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2933)) - Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story ([Location 2953](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2953)) - The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm and collected. Our goal is to make it safe, not to act horrified and suggest that the conversation is about to turn ugly. Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action. ([Location 2957](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2957)) - Prime When You’re Getting Nowhere ([Location 2971](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2971)) - When it comes to power listening, sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling before you can expect him or her to do the same. You have to pour some meaning into the pool before the other person will respond in kind. ([Location 2976](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2976)) - What If the Other Person Is Wrong? ([Location 2995](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=2995)) - **WHAT IF YOU DISAGREE? REMEMBER YOUR ABCS** - Agree ([Location 3060](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3060)) - Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent of the facts and stories that people disagree over. And while it’s true that people eventually need to work through differences, you shouldn’t start there. Start with an area of agreement. ([Location 3069](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3069)) - Build ([Location 3072](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3072)) - If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement, and then add elements that were left out of the discussion. ([Location 3087](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3087)) - Compare ([Location 3088](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3088)) - Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s. That is, rather than suggesting that the other person is wrong, suggest that you differ. ([Location 3089](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3089)) - In summary, to help remember these skills, think of your ABCs: Agree when you agree. Build when others leave out key pieces. Compare when you differ. ([Location 3098](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3098)) - SET EXPECTATIONS UP FRONT WHEN EXPLORING ([Location 3100](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3100)) - **==SUMMARY: EXPLORE OTHERS’ PATHS==** - To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind, explore their Path to Action. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety. - Then use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other person’s Path to Action to its origins: - Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views. - Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling. - Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for others to share what they’re thinking. - Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling. - As you begin to respond, remember: - Agree. Agree when you share views. - Build. If others leave something out, agree where you share views; then build. - Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views. #### 10. RETAKE YOUR PEN: How to Be Resilient When Hearing Tough Feedback - Feedback only hurts when we believe it threatens one or both of our most fundamental psychological needs: safety (perceived physical, social, or material security) and worth (a sense of self-respect, self-regard, or self-confidence). ([Location 3308](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3308)) - Let’s broaden the definition of the pen as the power to define what we need to secure both of these needs. ([Location 3310](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3310)) - Let’s start with two assumptions: 1.   That learning truth is an absolute good. The more truth you know, the better you can navigate life. 2.   That others’ feedback is either pure truth, pure falsehood, or some mixture of the two. Usually it’s some mixture. ([Location 3324](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3324)) - THE FEEDBACK CURE ([Location 3336](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3336)) - Collect yourself. Breathing deeply and slowly reminds you that you are safe. It signals that you don’t need to be preparing for physical defense. ([Location 3340](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3340)) - Understand. Be curious. Ask questions and ask for examples. And then just listen. ([Location 3350](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3350)) - Recover. It’s sometimes best at this point to ask for a time-out. Feelings of control bring feelings of safety. And you regain a sense of control when you exercise your right to respond when you’re truly ready. ([Location 3355](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3355)) - Engage. Examine what you were told. If you’ve done a good job reestablishing feelings of safety and worth, you’ll look for truth rather than defensively poking holes in the feedback. Sift through the bag/pool of meaning. Even if it’s 95 percent junk and 5 percent gold, look for the gold. ([Location 3364](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3364)) - **==SUMMARY: RETAKE YOUR PEN==** - When you find yourself reacting to hard feedback, remind yourself that your reaction is largely within your control. “Retake your pen” by taking steps to secure your safety and affirm your worth. Then use four skills to manage how you address the information others share: - 1.   Collect yourself. Breathe deeply, name your emotions, and present yourself with soothing truths that establish your safety and worth. - 2.   Understand. Be curious. Ask questions and ask for examples. And then just listen. Detach yourself from what is being said as though it is being said about a third person. - 3.   Recover. Take a time-out if needed to recover emotionally and process what you’ve heard. - 4.   Engage. Examine what you were told. Look for truth rather than defensively poking holes in the feedback. If appropriate, reengage with the person who shared the feedback and acknowledge what you heard, what you accept, and what you commit to do. If needed, share your view of things in a noncombative way. ### PART III: HOW TO FINISH - The skills for wrapping up a Crucial Conversation are deceptively simple. Most people know they should do them. They just don’t. And they pay dearly for their omission. Don’t make the mistake of glossing over them because they seem so obvious. They’re a prime example of where “common sense” is not “common practice.” Consistent application of these skills will help you prevent an enormous amount of avoidable cleanup that inevitably results from violated expectations and divergent memories. ([Location 3390](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3390)) #### 11. MOVE TO ACTION: How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results - We often fail to convert the ideas into action for two reasons: •   We have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made. •   We do a poor job of acting on the decisions we do make. ([Location 3405](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3405)) - **DIALOGUE IS NOT DECISION-MAKING** - The two riskiest times in Crucial Conversations tend to be at the beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because you have to find a way to create safety, or else things go awry. The end is dicey because if you aren’t careful about how you clarify the conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of Shared Meaning, you can run into violated expectations later on. ([Location 3410](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3410)) - How are decisions going to be made? First, people may not understand how decisions are going to be made. ([Location 3414](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3414)) - Are we ever going to decide? The second problem with decision-making occurs when no decision gets made. ([Location 3420](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3420)) - **DECIDE HOW TO DECIDE** - We can solve both these problems if, before making a decision, the people involved decide how to decide. Don’t allow people to assume that dialogue is decision-making. Dialogue is a process for getting all relevant meaning into a shared pool. ([Location 3426](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3426)) - The Four Methods of Decision-Making ([Location 3449](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3449)) - There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus. These four options represent increasing degrees of involvement. Increased involvement brings the benefit of increased commitment, but also the curse of decreased decision-making efficiency. So how do you decide who gets to decide? Savvy people choose whichever of these four methods of decision-making best suits their particular circumstances. ([Location 3451](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3451)) - Four Important Questions ([Location 3481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3481)) - When choosing among the four methods of decision-making, consider the following questions: ([Location 3481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3481)) - Who cares? Determine who genuinely wants to be involved in the decision along with those who will be affected. These are your candidates for involvement. Don’t involve people who don’t care. 2.   Who knows? Identify who has the expertise you need to make the best decision. Encourage these people to take part. Try not to involve people who contribute no new information. 3.   Who must agree? Think of those whose cooperation you might need in the form of authority or influence in any decisions you might make. It’s better to involve these people than to surprise them and then suffer their open resistance. 4.   How many people is it worth involving? Your goal should be to involve the fewest number of people while still considering the quality of the decision along with the support that people will give it. Ask: “Do we have enough people to make a good choice? Will others have to be involved to gain their commitment?” Say ([Location 3482](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3482)) - MAKE ASSIGNMENTS—PUT DECISIONS INTO ACTION ([Location 3512](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3512)) - As you close your conversations with commitments, make sure you consider the following four elements (sometimes shortened to the acronym WWWF): •   Who? •   Does what? •   By when? •   How will you follow up? ([Location 3518](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3518)) - **==SUMMARY: MOVE TO ACTION==** - Turn your successful Crucial Conversations into great decisions and united action by avoiding the two traps of violated expectations and inaction: - Decide How to Decide - Command. Decisions are made without involving others. - Consult. Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides. - Vote. An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision. - Consensus. Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision. - Finish Clearly - Determine who does what by when. - Make the deliverables crystal clear. - Set a follow-up time. - Record the commitments and then follow up. - Finally, hold people accountable to their promises. #### 12. YEAH, BUT: Advice for Tough Cases #### 13. PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER: Tools for Preparing and Learning - **This chapter will help with the daunting task of making dialogue tools and skills memorable and usable.** First, we’ll simplify things by sharing what we’ve heard from people who have changed their lives by using these skills. Second, we’ll lay out a model that can help you visually organize the **nine dialogue principles**. Third, we’ll walk you through an example of a Crucial Conversation where all the dialogue principles are applied. ([Location 3732](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3732)) - **TWO KEY PRINCIPLES** - Simply taking action using a new tool is a great way to start. If doing so leads to better results, you’re more likely to persist in using it until it becomes a habit. Others focus less on skills and more on principles. For example, get started with increasing your capacity to get to dialogue by becoming more conscious of these two key principles. ([Location 3737](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3737)) - **==Learn to Look. The first principle for positive change is Learn to Look. That is, people who improve their dialogue skills continually ask themselves whether they’re in or out of dialogue.==** ([Location 3740](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3740)) - Perhaps the most common way that the language of dialogue finds itself into everyday conversation is with the statement, “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue.” This simple reminder helps people catch themselves early on, before the damage is severe. ([Location 3749](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3749)) - **==Make It Safe. The second principle is Make It Safe. We’ve suggested that dialogue consists of the free flow of meaning and that the number one flow stopper is a lack of safety. When you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it safer.==** ([Location 3754](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3754)) - **HOW TO PREPARE FOR A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION** - Take a look at Table 13.1, “Coaching for Crucial Conversations.” The first column in the table lists the nine dialogue principles we’ve shared. The second column summarizes the skills associated with each principle. The final column is the best place to start coaching yourself or others. This column includes a list of questions that will help you apply specific skills to your conversations. ([Location 3769](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B093Y3N433&location=3769)) #### CONCLUSION: IT’S NOT ABOUT COMMUNICATION. IT’S ABOUT RESULTS