[[1000 Cope Like a Cardiac Surgeon]] # Comparison is the Death of Joy > If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are. > -Montesquieu >Comparison is the death of joy >- Mark Twain The conviction that your peers are having a far better time of it than yourself has never been stronger than in the current generation, steeped as they are in the social media brew of (certainly) extroverted (possibly) pretenders. Our eyes are presented with what these individuals *want* us to see, and as the proverb states, >No man cries stinking fish. If we could only see using the Divine empathy that God would like us to share, we would see that others have their facades, as we have ours. Their careers are built on advantages that we cannot hope to share. They are plagued by weaknesses common to us all. All too often we see that those we envy are like Richard Cory, in the poem. >And he was rich—yes, richer than a king— And admirably schooled in every grace: In fine, we thought that he was everything To make us wish that we were in his place. > So on we worked, and waited for the light, And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, Went home and put a bullet through his head. Has the object of your envy achieved the object of your dreams? What price did they pay? What opportunities that you now take for granted would you have missed if your thwarted ambition hadn't led to your current position? When you look back, how often was what you got much better than the thing you wished? >More tears are shed over prayers answered than those unanswered. >- St. Teresa of Avila Comparison is *mostly* useless, because our inventory of our own strengths and advantages is usually as inaccurate as our perception of others. Very few of us were greeted with unceasing approval from the moment of birth. Those who have received this acclaim are often possessed of an unshakeable confidence. These individuals, though free of doubt, are not to be envied. Unless they were also born with matching ability, they are frequently found in the center of disasters. The rest of us, the vast majority, received lifelong criticism from a variety of sources, in many instances from those who wished only the best for us. Eventually, as we get old enough and big enough that external criticism is more temperate and infrequent, their voices are internalized. This is not to say that this sense of shame is entirely negative. It helps keep us on the path, avoiding the wrong, when the voices of our better angels grow a little tired, a little hoarse from drawing us towards the right. But the self-criticism clouds our valuation of the good in ourselves and favors the negative, leading to the [[impostor syndrome]] so endemic in the modern surgeon. Evolution makes us remember the bad so more vividly than the good, reinforcing the belief that the good opinion others might hold of us is badly mistaken. If recollection of a previous mistake transports your mind to that time, and generates a perceptible physiologic response, be on your guard. Remember that as it is in the past, it cannot be changed, is not in your control, and is therefore a matter of [[indifference]] to you. Its only utility for you is to inform and improve your current action, if relevant, and should be free of emotional charge. Comparison's only utility is to remind ourself of all the times that we have seen others, no more capable than ourselves, succeed at some endeavor. If they can do it, so can you. >_Do_ not think _that_ what is hard for _you_ to master is humanly impossible; and _if_ it is humanly possible, consider it to be within your reach. >- Marcus Aurelius Let these reflections also guide you to rise above your programming, and as you gain authority, make sure that your voice shares gentle criticism when merited balanced with praise when deserved. If you MUST compare yourself to another, only permit it to be an objective, quantifiable measurement, and for constructive purposes. Are you impressed with the outcomes of another? What are the elements of their process that you could adopt? If they can do it, so can you. Salary should not reflect self-worth, only the value we have established with those who issue our pay. Tables of regional and national averages exist to provide a ball park. Explore what your market will bear without an emotional impression. If there is a sizable discrepancy between your own opinion of your value, and the opinion of you held by your employers, consider finding more perceptive employers, and balance that decision against the intangibles keeping you where you are.