# Excerpt from Substack post "[I got suspended from Twitter and it hurts which is good](https://alexislearning.substack.com/p/i-got-suspended-from-twitter-and)" So I had a really nice 4-month period — I left the intentional community in France to live in London for a while, and it felt like a real “I’m healed now” homecoming, reconnecting with friends from school and making new ones through IRL twitter meals and feeling wildly different and charismatic and grounded. And then I went to JessCamp. And uhhhhhh I did not have a good time. I felt (and I pieced this together after leaving a day early, during an IFS session) like I was back in secondary school, a young kid intimidated by all the older kids in big groups, all the cool kids who already knew each other and were all problem free and thriving and not struggling one bit, unlike me, the shy small kid who didn’t want to be perceived and was at serious risk of being picked on at any moment. (Outdated emotional schemas are so fucking cringe dude) Then post-JessCamp I had a 2 week period of “uhh wtf I thought I was Deeply Okay and perfect now, what the fuck was that??” And then I saw a River Kenna tweet (and I’d love to share a screenshot but I sadly no longer have that privilege) about how he conceptualises healing modalities as being either Mommy Coded™️ or Daddy Coded™️, where Mommy Coded == “you are ok, everything is ok, you can stop, it’s safe”, and Daddy Coded == “you can do more, you can be more, keep going”. And during my ~4 months of Deep Okayness grace period, the idea of doing any additional thing, like IFS or meditation or whatever, was actually kind of offensive. Like dude, this is the biggest most unprecedented shift I could have hoped for, how ungrateful to imagine needing to do more, plus what a potential waste of resources because I might just be done now. Whereas JessCamp woke me up to “oh ok sure, I’ve had a big level up in the Mommy-Coded department (everything is ok), but I’m hugely lagging in the Daddy-Coded department — I could still be a lot better, a lot more empowered, agentic, able to show up as my full self, unafraid (of silly imaginary models like “the people at JessCamp are cooler than me and dangerous and probably bullies). So I’d been noodling on this like “oh shit I think it’s time to level the fuck up” for a while and then when I got suspended from Twitter it was like “alright bet, time to stop consuming the barrage of ideas from other people and actually drop the distractions and tune into what I need to grow”. (I’ve been conceptualising this new era as “increasing my power”, and/or “being able to do the things I want to do”. There’s a bunch of related stuff like agency, having clearly defined goals/values, etc").