Author:: [[Mark Manson]] DateFinished:: 10/7/2022 Rating:: 8 Tags:: # The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck  ## 🚀The Book in 3 Sentences - The essential dilemma of life comes with deciding where to put your limited number of fucks. - Happiness is not something you achieve but rather an activity that comes with aligning your values with action and solving the problems that mean the most to you. - While you can't control all the events that happen to you, you are always responsible for reacting to those events. ### 🎨 Impressions - Mark Manson is a very down to earth writer. The book feels intimate and real. You can tell he has been through some tough shit and wants you to avoid doing the same. - At times he extrapolates something he has read to be more important than it is. His death chapter on immortality projects was way overblown. ### 📖Who Should Read It? - It's a self improvement book, everyone. ### ☘️ How the Book Changed Me - I knew most of the ideas talked about in the book because of my background in Stoicism. But one of the most profound ideas for me was the idea of happiness not being something you achieve but rather an activity that comes from aligning your values with action. - It also reinforced the notion that you shouldn't listen to all of your negative emotions. While they do have merit, they can often be misleading. ### ✍️ My Top 3 Quotes - "We feel bad about feeling bad. We feel guilty for feeling guilty. We get angry about getting angry. We get anxious about feeling anxious. What is wrong with me? This is why not giving a fuck is so key." - “Life is essentially an endless series of problems, Mark,” the panda told me. He sipped his drink and adjusted the little pink umbrella. “The solution to one problem is merely the creation of the next one.” - “What pain do you want in your life?"" # Main Points ### You Have Limited Fucks to Give Most of the struggle in life comes from giving too many fucks where fucks should not be given. In other words, giving fucks in areas where your values don't align (see: [[Joy is the long term activity of aligning values with action]]). Because we are all beholden to the same 24 hours in the day, we have to decide where our limited fucks should be given. Living a good life then comes not with giving more fucks about more things but with aligning your limited fucks on the things you care most about. Manson makes the point that not only should we give less fucks but we should also give less of *a fuck* about everything. So many people believe their problems are unique. Like they are the center of the world. In reality, our problems are just like everyone else. Maybe one of the reasons so many people live in agony is because they put too much weight on their own problems and how they feel from their [[Ego]] (see: [[Introduction to Tantra#Correct View of Emptiness]]). They feel anxious about being anxious, feel bad about feeling bad, feel angry that they are angry. Maybe the secret in life is to *not try.* To put your fucks somewhere that is so enjoyable and meaningful for you, you don't even have to force yourself to do it. ### You Will Always Have Problems No matter what you do in life, you will always have problems. If your a student you will have to manage work, social life, and your health. If your a teacher, you will have to manage lecture creation, grading, teaching, and more. If your homeless, you will have to manage finding food and a place to sleep every night. **No matter what you do, you will have problems.** The solution of one problem will just cause another one. It seems to make sense then to align the activities in your day with the problems you enjoy doing and feel most meaningful. In other words, put your fucks into your favorite problems (see: [[Your Twelve Favorite Questions]]). This points to another profound realization: happiness is not something you *achieve.* Rather, happiness is an activity. [[The pursuit of happiness for its own sake is foolhardy]]. Rather, you should see it as [[Joy is the long term activity of aligning values with action|the long term activity of aligning values with action]]. This reminds me of [[Journey before destination]]. If you will always have problems, you might as well enjoy the solving of those problems in the moment. ### We Have Evolved to Have Negative Emotions Negative emotions effect us more than positive ones. This is because humans have a [[Negativity dominance]] when it comes to information. [[The brain has evolved to prioritize novel information|We prioritize highlighting negative information]] because negative information often signals danger and change which could kill us. This is also why we are [[Loss aversion|loss averse]]. Negative emotions are supposed to be indicators that something is wrong and needs to change. Denying these negative emotions and putting forcing oneself to be in a constant state of positivity is emotional dysfunction. But this is not always the case. Sometimes our emotions backfire and make us feel negative about situations we shouldn't feel negative about. How do we fight this problem? I believe there are three main ways: 1. Make your way through the [[The four stages of emotional maturity]]. 2. Realize [[Your judgements of events hurt you, not the events themselves]]. 3. Build your [[Interoception]] abilities to become more honed to your bodily cues. ### [[We are always responsible]] While we can't control every event that happens to us, we always have responsibility on what we do after the fact. This isn't dreary but actually freeing. It allows us to focus on only what is in our control and ignore the rest (see: [[The dichotomy of control]]) ### How do we decide where to put our fucks? This is largely a personal decision that will change based on your career, relationships, and goals in life. I talk about one of the exercises which helped me most in [[Aidan's Infinite Play 3 I Did a Values Exercise|my newsletter.]] In summation, put your fucks in some of the number of values that have been time tested to lead to long term happiness. Things like being kind to others, teaching, forging meaningful relationships, being generous, and so forth. And find the problems that you enjoy solving. The ones that you could see yourself doing every day. ## Highlights Self-improvement and success often occur together. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the same thing. ([Location 229](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=229)) There’s a saying in Texas: “The smallest dog barks the loudest.” A confident man doesn’t feel a need to prove that he’s confident. A rich woman doesn’t feel a need to convince anybody that she’s rich. ([Location 243](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=243)) - Note: A person that learns for the sake of learning doesn’t feel a need to have some incredible reward as a result. Instead they learn because they love the act of learning in itself. The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important. ([Location 254](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=254)) - Note: Productivity comes from doing less not more. There’s an insidious quirk to your brain that, if you let it, can drive you absolutely batty. Tell me if this sounds familiar to you: You get anxious about confronting somebody in your life. That anxiety cripples you and you start wondering why you’re so anxious. Now you’re becoming anxious about being anxious. Oh no! Doubly anxious! Now you’re anxious about your anxiety, which is causing more anxiety. Quick, where’s the whiskey? ([Location 256](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=256)) - Note: I believe I’m falling for this right now by getting anxious about how unfull I have felt in my heart over the last week. Dr. Korfein said ruminating was a path to bad mental health. We feel bad about feeling bad. We feel guilty for feeling guilty. We get angry about getting angry. We get anxious about feeling anxious. What is wrong with me? This is why not giving a fuck is so key. ... By not giving a fuck that you feel bad, you short-circuit the Feedback Loop from Hell; you say to yourself, “I feel like shit, but who gives a fuck?” ([Location 285](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=285)) The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. ([Location 302](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=302)) It’s what the philosopher Alan Watts used to refer to as “the backwards law”—the idea that the more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place. ([Location 305](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=305)) “You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” Or put more simply: Don’t try. ([Location 314](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=314)) Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. ([Location 329](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=329)) Most of us struggle throughout our lives by giving too many fucks in situations where fucks do not deserve to be given. ([Location 346](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=346)) Subtlety #1: Not giving a fuck does not mean being indifferent; it means being comfortable with being different. ([Location 370](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=370)) When we’re young, everything is new and exciting, and everything seems to matter so much. Therefore, we give tons of fucks. ([Location 428](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=428)) - Note: This is what I feel is killing me right now. It feels like I’m settling back into routine. I need to find a sustainable and consistent way to spice up the hobbies I enjoy. ## New highlights added 03-10-2022 at 6:03 AM ##### CHAPTER 2 Happiness Is a Problem We suffer for the simple reason that suffering is biologically useful. It is nature’s preferred agent for inspiring change. ([Location 529](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=529)) - Note: Dopamine as a hormone is released to make us motivated to go out and pursue things. If we didn’t have dopamine release we would feel no need to go out and find food when we just ate as hunter gatherers. “Life is essentially an endless series of problems, Mark,” the panda told me. He sipped his drink and adjusted the little pink umbrella. “The solution to one problem is merely the creation of the next one.” ([Location 560](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=560)) Happiness comes from solving problems. The keyword here is “solving.” If you’re avoiding your problems or feel like you don’t have any problems, then you’re going to make yourself miserable. ([Location 573](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=573)) - Note: Happiness therefore is an activity. Something that we do. True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving. ([Location 581](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=581)) Emotions are simply biological signals designed to nudge you in the direction of beneficial change. ([Location 607](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=607)) negative emotions are a call to action. When you feel them, it’s because you’re supposed to do something. ([Location 610](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=610)) we shouldn’t always trust our own emotions. In fact, I believe we should make a habit of questioning them. ([Location 615](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=615)) a question that most people never consider, is, “What pain do you want in your life? ([Location 643](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=643)) - Note: I’m willing to have to spend long amounts of time in solitude to learn and write more (as long as I still have meaningful interactions with the time I do spend). I’m willing to sacrifice momentary pleasures like partying so I can do other things at night. I’m willing to workout twice a day so I’m healthy enough to not waste days being sick. I’m willing to spend a massive early time as a content creator going unnoticed so I can create passive income down the line. I’m willing to sacrifice being more achievement oriented in my academics because I don’t want to lose hold of my values or integrity. ##### CHAPTER 3 You Are Not Special The true measurement of self-worth is not how a person feels about her positive experiences, but rather how she feels about her negative experiences. ([Location 766](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=766)) A lot of people are afraid to accept mediocrity because they believe that if they accept it, they’ll never achieve anything, never improve, and that their life won’t matter. ([Location 952](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=952)) ##### CHAPTER 4 The Value of Suffering the first layer of the self-awareness onion is a simple understanding of one’s emotions. ([Location 1064](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=1064)) The second layer of the self-awareness onion is an ability to ask why we feel certain emotions. ([Location 1079](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=1079)) The third level is our personal values: Why do I consider this to be success/failure? ([Location 1086](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=1086)) This level, which takes constant questioning and effort, is incredibly difficult to reach. But it’s the most important, because our values determine the nature of our problems, and the nature of our problems determines the quality of our lives. ([Location 1088](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=1088)) - Note: I can’t express how important this is. Doing daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly reviews has helped me discover what makes me feel how I do, why it makes me feel that way, and why I have chosen the values I have. Lifestyle design. We get to control what our problems mean based on how we choose to think about them, the standard by which we choose to measure them. ([Location 1143](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=1143)) - Note: This reminds me of our judgements of events hurt us, not the events themselves from Stoicism. Denying negative emotions leads to experiencing deeper and more prolonged negative emotions and to emotional dysfunction. Constant positivity is a form of avoidance, not a valid solution to life’s problems—problems which, by the way, if you’re choosing the right values and metrics, should be invigorating you and motivating you. ([Location 1249](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=1249)) CHAPTER 5 You Are Always Choosing ([Location 1321](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=1321)) There is a simple realization from which all personal improvement and growth emerges. This is the realization that we, individually, are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter the external circumstances. We don’t always control what happens to us. But we always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond. ([Location 1375](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B019MMUA8S&location=1375)) - Note: It’s important to distinguish between what is in and not in our control. We have 100% control about how we react to something while we don’t have 100% control about what happens to us.