CDate:: [[03-25-2024]] Status:: #🌱 Tags:: Links:: [[Cognitive Behavioral Therapy]] # Internal Family Systems Internal family systems is a kind of talk therapy developed and talked about by Schwartz in his book [[No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz]] that tries to get us to become aware of and unblend from our multiplicity of selves. It’s called internal family systems because our parts can be seen as taking on roles like that of a traditional family system. Some parts act more as caretakers trying to nurture and protect other younger more vulnerable parts. Other parts act in more of a parallel or competitive relationship like siblings often do in a family. Internal Family Systems is based on two fundamental principles: - Multiplicity: we aren’t a single uniform self but rather made up of many parts which come out from the complex relationship between our self and our environment. Believing we have only one foundational self can make it hard for people to navigate transitions and situations where they feel their self changing or being attacked. It also fuels this idea that anything we feel, think, and do is representative of who we truly are as a person which can kickstart self-hate, shame, and anxiety. - Systems thinking: we can’t understand our self by looking at the parts in isolation but rather through how the interaction between ourselves creates a different whole. **Our relationship with our inner world affects how we perceive the external world.** If we have a bad relationship with our inner world we will have a negative relationship with our outer world. The ultimate goal of IFS is to integrate our various selves together into our true self, the self that exists when we see the world in it’s purity, without projection, and with a natural open-mindedness, compassion, curiosity, and non-judgement. The self acts as a caretaker for one’s parts. It’s similar to the concept of [[The empty mind]] in Buddhism. ## What Are Our Parts? Our parts are various aspects of our self with their own memories, motivations, goals, and levels of wisdom and emotionality. All of our parts have good intentions for us, but sometimes those intentions can tread on other parts and lead us to act in extreme, unproductive, or even destructive ways. **Schwartz refers to the most vulnerable aspects of our parts as exiles.** Exiles can be seen as our inner children in our family system. They’re often the parts that directly got exposed to some trauma leaving them trapped in the past. For me, an exile comes from all the rejection I have felt during my online dating experience over my Junior semester at Cornell. I have gone on over 15+ dates with most of them ending in disappointment. This has made it harder for me to give my heart to someone because I fear I will be disappointed again. But this very avoidance can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I fear getting rejected by opening up, I open up less, making me get rejected. **The other type of parts we have are protectors, who protect the exiles from harm.** They come in two types, managers and firefighters. Managers tailor our environment to protect our other parts. For example, one of my managers make me avoid situations where I have to be super emotionally valent with a romantic partner because of the rejection I have experienced too many times from opening up. Firefighters act reactively when we think we’re already in danger. They might make us work binge, do lots of drugs, or something else. I sometimes eat too much at lunch which could be a subconscious mechanism to get me to do less work later in the day and fog my brain so that I can relax more. It’s important to understand our managers or firefighters aren’t inherently negative. They are trying to protect our exiles from getting hurt and sometimes do so in positive ways. ## Blending And Unblending The problem, however, comes when we associate one or multiple of our parts too closely to our actual self—something Schwartz calls blending. When we do this, we believe *we are* the thoughts, feelings, and behavior we do which can lead to self hatred, shame, anxiety, and more. This reminds me of the analogy Dan Koe uses in his book [[The Art of Focus]] of the self being like a bunch of strings of expectations tethered over time from experience. When a string becomes too thick, it turns into metal and a breaking of that expectation can cause an electric shock which we experience as physical pain. Sometimes the string that causes the electric shock isn’t the one that was targeted on the surface just like how the part we think is showing up—a protector—isn’t the one truly causing the pain—the exile is. We can unblend ourselves from our parts by becoming self-aware over our various parts and how they function together. There’s a few ways we can do this: - Ask the part to step aside momentarily. - Picture the part, and then imagine yourself creating physical distance from that part. - Draw the part on paper to see it more clearly. - Do a short meditation to quiet internal conflicting voices. It’s not enough to just become self-aware though. We must integrate our parts into our self-history. We must realize none of our parts are inherently bad or good. They are all trying to help us in their own ways. ## Getting Into Self The self is what remains when all of our parts are absent. You could see it as awareness itself. It doesn’t exactly have aims, though many people describe it as having a care taking nature. When we talk to a part we want to do so ideally in Self. This ensures we listen to it with the greatest care imaginable and done blend. Getting into Self, however, can be hard. Often when we tell other parts to step aside so you can talk to one, one part takes the place of the Self secretly, often our champion part (part which wants what is best for us). The Self is what stops the infinite regress. ## What If The Only Voice I Want In Me Is Jesus? Would you say every thought you have is Jesus? Of course not? Perhaps he’s trying to speak to you through your parts. Perhaps he’s embodied most in a part. But I don’t think you would go as far to say that’s Jesus himself purely. Because we can alter what people say with our minds. ## Can Parts Lie? I wouldn’t doubt it. Considering we lie to ourselves all the time without knowing parts work, why would are parts not? ### General Awareness and Identification of Parts 1. **Identifying Parts**: "Can you identify a part of you that's active right now? What does it feel like, or what thoughts is it bringing up?" 2. **Understanding Roles**: "Do you notice any parts that seem to take on specific roles, such as protectors or caretakers? What roles do they play?" 3. **Recognizing Feelings and Beliefs**: "What beliefs do you think your parts hold about you or the world? How do these beliefs affect your feelings and actions?" ### Engaging with Exiles 1. **Identifying Exiles**: "Can you think of a part of you that holds pain, fear, or vulnerability? What might this part be trying to protect?" 2. **Understanding Impact**: "How do you think your exiles influence your daily life or decision-making?" ### Working with Protectors 1. **Identifying Protectors**: "Are there parts of you that work hard to keep you safe or prevent you from feeling pain? How do they do that?" 2. **Exploring Intentions**: "What positive intentions might your protectors have, even if their methods sometimes cause difficulties?" ### Unblending and Self-Leadership 1. **Distinguishing Self from Parts**: "Can you think of a time when you felt more centered and less blended with your parts? What was different about how you felt or thought then?" 2. **Creating Distance**: "Can you try to give some space between you and your parts? What happens when you view them with curiosity from a distance?" 3. **Cultivating Compassion**: "How might you approach your parts with compassion and understanding, even if they've led to challenging behaviors or feelings?" ### Integration and Healing 1. **Envisioning Harmony**: "Imagine a world where all your parts get along and understand each other. What would that look like for you?" 2. **Reflecting on Relationships**: "How do the relationships between your parts mirror relationships in your external world?" 3. **Seeking Integration**: "What steps can you take to help your parts understand they are valuable and that their needs will be met without extreme actions?" ## Questions To Ask Your Parts 1. What’s Your Name? 2. How do you feel? 3. What do you look like? 4. How old are you? 5. How does your party feel in your body? 6. What does it say? 7. How does that part make you behave? 8. What does that part want?