# you're not faking it #### 6 mar 2025 I've never been diagnosed with ADHD or ASD. To be honest, I'm a bit afraid to seek out a diagnosis for either. Not because I'm scared to know if I do have either—it would be a relief to know for sure—but because I'm scared that it would hinder my ability to live where I do. Unfortunately I don't see the concepts of countries or borders dissolving anytime soon, so I have to consider whether I might be considered A Burden™ to the State if I were diagnosed. So here I sit, undiagnosed...and also uncertain. I struggle sometimes to talk about my experiences, my ways of seeing and interacting with the world, because it's never a perfect match.[^1] Yes, I feel like an alien among my peers because I think they're all somehow years ahead of me in understanding social behaviour and cues. Sure, I can hyperfixate on something to the point of forgetting bodily needs like food, rest, or hygiene. And yes, I have to be extremely purposeful when listening to someone, otherwise I will forget everything they just said.[^2] And yet it's never all the time. Sometimes I can genuinely focus on something for the correct amount of time. Sometimes I don't need a persistent or external reminder to do something important. Sometimes I "get" the social situation and can fit in.[^3] Sometimes I feel...like I'm neurotypical. But that's just sometimes. And that's the problem. Because when it isn't that sometimes—when I can't focus on a single task because more are being given to me and I have to do them *right now* or they'll be forgotten, when I don't understand a social situation, when I just stop talking because I can't put words together in the right order—because when it's all the rest, suddenly I see those labels and feel like they might fit. [[20240603 in the queer dressing room|I've talked about ill-fitting labels before.]] These are also ill-fitting; heck, even depression feels that way lately, and I actually *have* been diagnosed with that. It feels to me like I have to suffer from these divergences *all the time*, to the point of real struggle, or else... ..or else I must just be faking it. This has never been a very useful thought, and it's one that prompts lots of questions that can debunk it (but why fake it? who benefits?), but I still hold myself to the same standard: **You're not suffering enough to be *really* autistic. You don't struggle enough to *really* have ADHD.** And you know, that's bullshit. It doesn't really matter if I "have" these neurodivergences, because *I still struggle sometimes* and the existence of that label upon myself doesn't change that! I still struggle! So this is mostly for me, but maybe it can also be for you. Just a reminder. **You're not faking it.** [^1]: something something black and white thinking [^2]: I will forget even the things *I* just said, like, 5 seconds ago. [^3]: I've somehow defaulted to just being "funny" and ngl I hate it!